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#2066946 - 03/01/16 10:16 PM Separation
#ONENANA Offline
New Poster
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
Texas Girl
My husband of 16 years walked out on me two and a half weeks ago. Any advice would be appreciated. I've lost over ten pounds and walk around like I'm in a daze. It all came as a total shock. I had no idea.
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The longer you look back the shorter your time to look forward

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#2066948 - 03/01/16 10:20 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
Skittles Online
10K Club
Skittles
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,963
TN
I'm so sorry, ONENANA. That's awful. I don't have any advice, but I can give you {{HUGS}}.
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My Opinions Only

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#2066949 - 03/01/16 10:21 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
CULady Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 493
WA
Oh no! I am so sorry... You will get through this. You will get through this and you will come out much stronger. I'm afraid I don't have any other advice other than keep your chin up and get through it all one day at a time. {{{HUGS}}

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#2066954 - 03/01/16 10:35 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
MyBrainHurts Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 960
Illinois
Change the locks before he changes his mind.
Make a good financial inventory and a financial plan for going forward.
Find a lawyer.

Put on Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and sing at the top of your lungs while dancing around the house.
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I thought getting old would take longer.

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#2066956 - 03/01/16 10:44 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
Busy Bee, CRCM Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,089
PacificNW
Very sorry to hear this! I will be praying for you and your family.

Perhaps look into whether or not your area has a mediation specialist. They may be able to offer some assistance. For your own well-being, you may consider some sort of counseling, whether it's through a clergyperson you are familiar with or a licensed therapist. They'd be helpful in sorting through your feelings.

Sending virtual hugs your way!

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#2066978 - 03/02/16 01:39 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
I will play the song "Pray For You", it is what I suggest you do, pray for him. smirk

Haven’t been in church since
I don’t remember when
Things were going great
‘Til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher
As he told me what to do
Said you can’t go hating others
who done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry
But we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do his job
And you just pray for them

I pray your brakes go out
Running down a hill
I pray and flower pot falls
From a window sill
And knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray your flying high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are
Honey, I pray for you

Really glad I found my way to church
Cause I’m already feeling better and I thank God for the words
So I’m gonna take the high road
And do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messing up
And I’ll keep praying for you

I pray your tire blows out at 110
I pray you pass out with your best friend
And wake up with his and her tattoos

Wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car
Wherever you are honey, I pray for you.
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I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#2067035 - 03/02/16 04:05 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
CompliantOkie Offline
Gold Star
CompliantOkie
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 422
OOOOOOklahoma
I'm very sorry to hear this! Sending you prayers and hugs from OK.

Ditto MBH's advice! My mother in law just went through this when my father in law filed for divorced after 28 years of marriage. She's struggling to regain her footing but I know she'll get there soon and you will too. Stay strong and look out for your interests first!

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#2067036 - 03/02/16 04:06 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
#ONENANA Offline
New Poster
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
Texas Girl
Thanks for all the {{hugs}} and for a couple of smiles that were sorely needed.
_________________________
The longer you look back the shorter your time to look forward

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#2067040 - 03/02/16 04:09 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
#ONENANA Offline
New Poster
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
Texas Girl
I saw the commercial for Our Time.com and thought dang three years to go. I will probably need that much time anyways to feel like being with someone else.
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The longer you look back the shorter your time to look forward

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#2067043 - 03/02/16 04:13 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
BowlingQueen Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,920
Wisconsin
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can relate, and the one thing I had to learn is that it was him and not me. It took a little while, but it does get easier. Love yourself and, as others suggested, don't be afraid or ashamed to go talk with a professional.

{{{HUGS}}}
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Nothing changes, if nothing changes. (from a good friend of mine) smile

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#2067048 - 03/02/16 04:20 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 17,341
Find support - not just relatives and friends commiserating but support from people who have lived through this. You'll need their strength and insight.
Decide if you want to reconcile or be done with it. The tide will ebb and flow as you go forward and you don't want to be the bobber responding to his waves. You need to find the strength to stand up for what YOU want going forward.
Guard yourself physically and financially asap. That means talking to a lawyer immediately and getting guidance on what you need to do to make sure he doesn't take everything with him.

Many prayers and gentle ((hugs)).

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#2067253 - 03/03/16 12:58 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
TINKerBell Offline
Power Poster
TINKerBell
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,238
Tiger's Den!
^^^what Truff said^^^

Especially the financial part. You need to protect yourself.

((((hugs))) and prayers for strength.
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The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.

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#2067287 - 03/03/16 03:21 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
waldensouth Offline
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waldensouth
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 7,979
FINALLY ABOVE the gnat line
{{{{HUGS}}}}
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"Once you learn to read, you will be forever free."

- Frederick Douglass




My Opinion Only.

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#2067549 - 03/04/16 04:17 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
Buddy the Elf Offline
Platinum Poster
Buddy the Elf
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 972
first lily pad on the right
I don't have any advice to offer but wanted to say that I'm so sorry this happened and to offer virtual hugs as many others have. (HUG)
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CAMS

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#2067768 - 03/07/16 02:34 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
basilring Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 296
Spartan Country!
How awful of him! It may not seem like it now, but this will make you stronger. He didn't deserve you, obviously. I echo things said above about finding a support group, even if unofficial. Sending hugs and saying prayers and sending strength to get through the next few weeks and the hard moments.
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Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will head for the beach!

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#2067831 - 03/07/16 04:59 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
Quadspapa Offline
Power Poster
Quadspapa
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,275
Quadrupletville, Texas
Sorry to hear this. Hugs and prayers from Texas.
The good Lord will help get you through, along with a lawyer, your family, and good friends, .
_________________________
"I don''t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." - - Will Rogers (still relevant today)

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#2069052 - 03/14/16 09:25 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
Heather301, CRCM Offline
100 Club
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 105
I just went through a divorce last year after 19 years of marriage. It is very hard but don't get lost in the fog like I did. Take care of yourself first and foremost especially if you have kids that depend on you. Talk to a divorce attorney just in case you will need one. They will tell you what types of financial information you need to start gathering. Make sure he doesn't clean out your bank accounts, if they are joint accounts he can do that. Once you are secured financially, make sure you take care of your physical and emotional needs. Talk to a counselor or someone at church if you have someone you can trust. Start exercising - it will do two things - make you feel better and increase your stamina. Start out with walking or go to a yoga class. You will need this to manage your stress and keep you from getting sick. Emotional stress can take a toll on your health if you don't find a healthy way to redirect your anger. Take a kickboxing class - this is really therapeutic. Try to eat right and get plenty of sleep. I didn't do any of these things at first because I was in shock and did good to get dressed and go to work every day. I really wish someone had told me these things because it would have been easier to cope with the issues as they came up. I hope these tips help you and I wish you the very best! There is life after divorce, I'm living proof that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Prayers for you and your family!
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Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly, Leave the rest to God.....

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#2069324 - 03/15/16 06:47 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
#ONENANA Offline
New Poster
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
Texas Girl
Thank you so much. By the way I'm Heather too. I know what you mean about functioning. Thank goodness my kids are grown because it's hard to take care of myself right now. I closed out our joint account because after he left he took out 500.00. That was our household bill money. Needless to say he took it drove to Nebraska picked up his girlfriend from 30+ years ago brought her back and they moved in with my pregnant daughter and her family. Trying to work out a solution for my husband to be able to keep the house and buy me out because our 19 year old lives there off and on and I have plans in the works for when it's done. He can't seem to understand that half is fair and keeps offering these ridiculous amounts. What's really sad is my kids think I am being unreasonable. My oldest because she is ready to have her house back and my youngest because she wants to know what she's going to do if the house sells. She left home when she was 17 and was gone for a year and a half. We saw her of course so basically the house is just a storage unit to her anyways.
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The longer you look back the shorter your time to look forward

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#2069467 - 03/16/16 12:52 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
thomasj Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 5,063
Pennsylvania
You need a lawyer ASAP. I've heard tales of couples who divorce and everything is amicable and there are no disputes over anything but in my experience, you need someone who will answer your questions and guide you through the next steps. Most attorneys will offer a free consultation where they will answer your questions and give you guidance - it gets costly after that, but not having counsel could prove even more costly.

By the way, assets are not usually divided up 50-50 at least in my state. Unless your incomes were equal for the greater part of the marriage, the person who eared less actually ends up with greater than 50% of the assets. If you made considerably more than your husband, he may get 60% or more. Alimony for the lower earning spouse is also a possibility (of course if there were marital misconduct such as infidelity, abuse, etc - the offending spouse will have a difficult time getting alimony).

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know the feeling you have right now. I remember waking up every morning and relishing the first few seconds before the reality of my situation hit me. Believe me, there is life after divorce and it can be much better than you ever dare imagine. Good luck to you!
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Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

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#2069544 - 03/16/16 02:59 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
Potens Offline
New Poster
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 4
One piece of advice that I can give is to keep yourself happy. Do little things that you want to do, things that gives you - Heather - happiness. It may sound silly or trivial but very powerful in gaining back mind strength and power. You can come out of this more stronger as other people have suggested. Good Luck to you!

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#2069552 - 03/16/16 03:24 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
#ONENANA Offline
New Poster
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
Texas Girl
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to give me advice and encouragement. I do have a lawyer and she has answered a lot of my questions. I'm trying to figure out a way we can both come out of this "happy." I don't have a problem with him keeping the property but I don't want to walk away feeling cheated either.
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The longer you look back the shorter your time to look forward

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#2069604 - 03/16/16 05:09 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
thomasj Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 5,063
Pennsylvania
Another unfortunate reality is that if you have saved for retirement and your soon to be ex has not, your retirement savings will likely be thrown in with marital assets and divided accordingly. If that's the case, your buyout from the property may very well be that you get to keep more of your retirement fund. At least that is the case in my state.
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Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

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#2069633 - 03/16/16 06:25 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 17,341
A strong word of caution based on my own experience: Don't let your kids weigh in on this or influence you with comments about your unreasonableness, etc. You're not obligated to stay in the maternal, peace-maker, find solutions so everyone stays happy mode. Your kids are adults who can fend for themselves. You need to focus on your future and your happiness, not anyone else's.

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#2069644 - 03/16/16 06:59 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
#ONENANA Offline
New Poster
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
Texas Girl
Retirement plan isn't an issue because we (yes I know stupid) cashed that out to buy this property eight years ago. I really try not to let the kids influence my thinking but it's hard. I understand they want Daddy to be happy but I feel like they are not really too concerned with what I'm going through. Of course I've been trying to keep the kids out of it but he is telling them everything that we discuss. That's why they think I'm being unreasonable because he's telling them he's made an offer and I turned it down. I could sell our tractor for more than he offered!
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The longer you look back the shorter your time to look forward

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#2069682 - 03/16/16 07:47 PM Re: Separation #ONENANA
thomasj Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 5,063
Pennsylvania
If I can offer a piece of advice from my personal experience it would be to take the high road, but protect yourself. In my situation, the kids were much younger (14 and 6) but their mother played the same sort of games. She would cry on their shoulder and run me down for defending myself legally. When I shut off one of my credit cards that she was going wild with after we decided to split, she sent my 6 year old son in to hand it to me. He said "Mom told me to give you this and then she said the 'F' word" shocked

I refused to involve them in the details of the divorce and though I could have very easily told them some of the horrible things that their mother had done - I never did and never will. As time went on, I think they respected the fact that I never talked bad about their mother to them. That's not to say that I completely rolled over and signed everything over. Those things went through the lawyers as I refused to discuss them with my now ex-wife in front of the kids, which was the only way she wanted to talk about it.

Your situation is different in that you have adult children who understand more. That may be an advantage because they may have more comprehension if you have the chance to explain it to them.
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Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

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