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#1912718 - 04/08/14 06:02 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
Check the freezer. Thats where we found the phones.....
amoung other things.
yup, for real. smile
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#1912721 - 04/08/14 06:04 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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Had many issues with Cold Calls?
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#1912728 - 04/08/14 06:08 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
laugh

Although joking aside, that is another thing to keep in mind with your parents with dementia/alheimers, they are easy prey for phone scammers. Keeping them from randomly answering the phone is a pretty good idea.
Also, they sometimes will say things that not everyone will understand. They can be very mean sometimes and its hard to get everyone to understand that it is the disease.
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#1912780 - 04/08/14 07:39 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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What an awesome thread. My parents are heading in the direction of needing more and more help with things and it's nice to see I'm not alone in that boat; and some of the suggestions on here are great. Thank you!

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#1912792 - 04/08/14 07:55 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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This was a good idea. Although I'm passed all of that now, unfortunately, I sure could have used this kind of support back then. smile
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#1913283 - 04/10/14 12:51 PM Re: Caring for our parents RR Joker
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Many of my trust customers were elderly and I played the role of a family member many, many times. That included being an arbitrator of family disputes, making health care decisions and, ultimately, being a pall bearer. When Mrs. D called, my secretary would quickly scoot across the reception area to close my door because I would be screaming at the top of my lungs so she could hear me. The conversation usually ended with me agreeing to stop by on my way home from work to talk to her.

Unfortunately, the skills I acquired did not help me with my Mom. She was very sharp right up to her death, but like a lot of elderly people she refused to give up a little independence in order to save most of her independence. On the other hand, I learned how to provide support to my parents by watching my Dad support his; he acknowledged his frustrations, but he consistently did what he knew was right. When it was my turn to occupy that role he was always appreciative and cooperative, always...

If you're in a "sandwich;" i.e. serving as a parent to both your children and your parents at the same time, it's very difficult and you have my respect. You want to be able to remember that you did your best, even if other members of your family did little or nothing. Remember too, your children are watching.

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#1913296 - 04/10/14 01:26 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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I think one of the hardest things I had to do was take the car keys away from my Aunt. She had no children and my sister lived far away...so everything trying to manage my mom and my Aunt who both had mental issues was left to me.

She was very independent and loved to go places and do things.

It was a very sad day. frown Sometimes the things we have to do as responsible adults, when we still would rather just be a 'kid' are some of the most difficult situations and decisions you will ever have to face.
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#1913297 - 04/10/14 01:28 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
Ken brings up a point about being in the middle, which means that we spend time supporting both our parents and our kids. Even if you have grown children, it likely that you still feel responsible to be there for them, and that is great! But is equally important that somewhere in there you save time for you and for you and your spouse. And you need to learn to do it without the guilt trip.
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#1913341 - 04/10/14 01:56 PM Re: Caring for our parents Bankbb1, PITA
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Originally Posted By: Bankbb1, PITA
Ken brings up a point about being in the middle, which means that we spend time supporting both our parents and our kids. Even if you have grown children, it likely that you still feel responsible to be there for them, and that is great! But is equally important that somewhere in there you save time for you and for you and your spouse. And you need to learn to do it without the guilt trip.


When you find the recipe for learning to do it without the guilt trip - please share! And you'll probably be able to retire from banking once you package and sell it. smile

This is a great discussion and very relevent topic in today's world. I would have found the support and ideas very helpful when I was in this situation a few years ago.
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#1913350 - 04/10/14 02:06 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
I agree Pjps. But it really is a must. It will impove your relationships with all of the concerned parties. It must be a priority.
Time for you can be doing what you enjoy for just 30 minutes a day or going away with your other half for a day or two. It can be hard to arrange, but it really needs to happen.
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#1913440 - 04/10/14 03:58 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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It's the guilt trip that's so hard to deal with. I KNOW I deserve to spend time with my husband but I feel bad knowing Mom's sitting alone at home eating a toasted cheese sandwich instead of coming out with us. No matter how many times she tells me I deserve to go do it, it's the sad little 'I wish your father had lived longer so we could have done it too' at the end that twists my heart.

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#1913485 - 04/10/14 05:32 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
I know it Truff, but its really important for you and for her.
We will sometimes make sure that they have friends coming over or that my daughter is going to do something with them, arrange a dinner to be delivered and a favorite movie for them to watch.
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#1913487 - 04/10/14 05:36 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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I'm kind of coming at this a bit from both angles (my parents are getting old and having health issues; i have a son who is in college now) and here's my two cents: As a parent, i have NO desire whatsoever for my son to feel like at some point in my life, he has to 'take care of me'. At the same time, i understand as someone with older parents that i feel a need to help them. So, it's sort of a two-edged sword (that's pronounced "soared" for Mani... laugh ) i suppose.
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#1913510 - 04/10/14 05:51 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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I think that's just natural. We don't want to be a burden to our kid(s). But, when our parents become needy we feel the need to help and see that sometimes...that's just how the circle of life works.

What depresses me is to see folks in a home who never have ANY family to come see them. Even when they have family. frown
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#1913513 - 04/10/14 05:52 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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I agree it needs to happen - and we did make it happen. As TR says, the guilt trip was very difficlut to deal with - whether it came from someone else or from myself.

It definitely wasn't easy making the time with two very active high school age kids, involvement in several volunteer community organizations, being primary caregiver to an aging & ailing parent and working a full-time job. My siblings didn't live close so it all fell on my shoulders.

I did learn the value of saying 'sorry, no' when I was stretched too far. And to this day, I'm fairly picky about which 'opportunities' I commit to! I consider my free time, at this stage of my life, as my reward for when I didn't have much control over how my time was spent(not that I would have changed much of it). smile
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#1913517 - 04/10/14 05:59 PM Re: Caring for our parents RR Joker
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Originally Posted By: RR Joker
I think that's just natural. We don't want to be a burden to our kid(s). But, when our parents become needy we feel the need to help and see that sometimes...that's just how the circle of life works.

What depresses me is to see folks in a home who never have ANY family to come see them. Even when they have family. frown


Joker...i agree...i just really have this thing of not wanting to burden my son with any of that.....or anyone else really.
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#1913518 - 04/10/14 05:59 PM Re: Caring for our parents raitchjay
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Originally Posted By: raitchjay
As a parent, i have NO desire whatsoever for my son to feel like at some point in my life, he has to 'take care of me'.
I am 100% sure that my parents and virtually every other parent we're discussing had this exact same thought. But, as one of the others said, 'it's the circle of life.' I know the time will come when I'll need to be living with someone younger who can help me as I age. Haven't decided who I'd want that to be and I just hope I'll get a say in the matter.

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#1913547 - 04/10/14 06:30 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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My parents are determined not to be a "burden" to their children. They've purchased long term care insurance a while back and have picked out their assisted living facility/nursing home for when the time comes. They do NOT want to leave their home town and neither of their daughters live there any more.
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#1913552 - 04/10/14 06:37 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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Walden my grandparents did the same but when it was time to go they forgot they agreed to those terms. LOL Now I'm 1200 miles away and my poor Dad is trying to keep up with them. My Grammy hauled off and smacked another resident for snoring about a month ago.

It's never a dull moment. laugh
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#1913569 - 04/10/14 07:05 PM Re: Caring for our parents cheekEE
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I don't have children so my niece thinks that she's going to take care of me when I am old. I told her not to worry and just put me in a comfortable room with cable TV, an internet connection and my Kindle and I will be fine. smile She said, "Yeah but, what if you and Mom are like Grandpa?!". laugh Poor girl.
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#1913578 - 04/10/14 07:15 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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My parents had it all figured out too...they do change their minds..but Daddy had warned me this could happen and to do what I needed to do to make sure they were not a burden on me when the time came and they fought it. crazy They even bought different furniture that would fit in a smaller room.

Daddy passed away and left me with my MOTHER to deal with. He didn't prepare me well enough for her. I remember the one 'warning' he gave me. "Your mother is a very intellegient, but very complicated woman".

I thought to myself later on. "Ya THINK? Gee Daddy...couldn't you have you been just a little bit more forthcoming and coached me just a little bit more in the ways of my mom?" laugh I really never knew just how much 'covering up' he had done for her in their last years together before he passed away...wow....just wow.

Some days you just can't do a darn thing but laugh about it all. And like someone else said above...wish they were back again so you could do it all over again. smile
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#1913611 - 04/10/14 08:21 PM Re: Caring for our parents RR Joker
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Quote:
He didn't prepare me well enough for her.


My Dad gave me the short course:

Him: You're going to have to deal with your mother.
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: You have to understand, you can only ---- her off so many times.
Me: Yes, sir.

I always thought he should have ----ed her off a few more times than he did. grin
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#1913614 - 04/10/14 08:25 PM Re: Caring for our parents Elwood P. Dowd
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We didn't realize how much Mom kept Dad under control until she wasn't there to do it anymore. Ugh
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#1913615 - 04/10/14 08:27 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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Isn't this ^^^ the definition of a good marriage?

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#1913619 - 04/10/14 08:33 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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Dad never showed mom how to write checks.

Well mom has a memory issue and quite possibly dad showed her how several times just like the 50 times I did the past month with her asking each time can you show me how to write checks.
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