Most often when the term deadbeat parent is mentioned, it's in reference to a father that has abandoned his children and refuses to pay child support. However, I wanted to point out a different point of view on the deadbeat parent.

I made a mistake when I was very young and married a girl with some serious emotional/mental issues. I thought that I could somehow be the knight in shining armor that saved her from all her problems and that we would live happily ever after. Guess what.............I was wrong. The marriage was a complete disaster and ended with an ugly divorce..........but not before we had a son. I wont go into all of the details of what has transpired in the decade since we were divorced, but it has been a long tough battle. To make a long story shorter, I ultimately earned a degree by going to college at night. It took a long time and consumed a significant portion of my life, but I did it. In the years that followed, I worked into a successful position with my company and married the woman the Lord intended me to be with. We now have two children of our own. God has truly blessed me.

Now for my problem: My son is wonderful, and I would go through it all again just to have him. But, his mother is the kind of person that has a mental strangle hold on him. She says and does things to influence him that are just wrong. I can't win this type of fight because I would never stoop to that level. We have joint custody currently, but he will soon be at the age where he can decide who he wants to live with. Without a doubt, he will choose her. There is nothing that I can do to prevent this. All I can do is try to be the best Dad I can be and never compromise my principals. Hopefully this will pay off later on in his life.

There is also a somewhat selfish side to this problem. The laws in my state can require a parent to pay up to 25% (pre tax) in child support. It's not really about the money, but the thought of her benefitting from my years of hard work burns me up. She's never done one thing to improve herself, and she's only managed to leave a path of destruction in every life she's touched. I wouldn't mind if my money were being put into an account for my son's benefit, but it's not. The money will be going to my ex-wife's favorite charity.......herself. My son will see very little (if any) of this money. Not that this payment will leave me destitute, but I have a wife and two other children to support. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Life is about choices and living with the results of those choices. I admire that you have risen above your circumstances and obtained a degree and a good job. That is what America is about----opporunity to improve yourself.

You and your ex-wife created a new life in your son and you have a responsibility to him regardless of what your ex-wife does. You should do the honorable thing and support your son. How would your other children feel if they knew that their daddy didn't support their brother. Would they worry that you wouldn't support them if you and their mother divorced? You need to finish your responsibility to your son and do what is right.

Will not paying the support help your son at all? If your ex-wife is as bad as you make her out to be, why not try to get full time custody?

When you married your current wife and had children with her, you knew about your responsibility to your first born. Again, it is about choices and living with the results. Will it be easy, no it will not. Be a man, accept this situation with honor and in the long run it will work out for the best.

Well, I can feel for you, but Creditcop's comments are right on target.

Just so you know, in NJ, it can be up to 45% of your gross income. I know it sometimes feels unfair, my fiance has been paying for his two children and his ex-wife's alimony (and he doesn't ever get to see his kids). But, you are doing the right thing, I am a firm believer that what comes around, goes around.

Enjoy your life with your new family and keep in as much touch with your firstborn as possible.

Best of luck.

Thanks for your responses. I didn't mean to, in anyway, insinuate that not paying support was an option. As I said, I'm willing to do anything for my kids, no matter what the situation. My post was merely to get opinions from others. I have, for many years, lived up to my responsibilities for my child. I've paid for all of his expenses since his birth, and have done so without hesitation. He's my child, and I would have it no other way. My problem lies in the fact that the money I give goes to support not him, but the person that does the most damage, psychologically, in his life.

As for obtaining custody, I've been down that road. My state leans heavily in favor of the mother. Although my ex-wife's problems are significant in my opinion, in the states eyes, they aren't enough to warrant full custody. Besides, my son can still make the choice on his own, regardless of what legal action I pursue.

I didn't think you were implying that at all, I just wanted you to know that it happens to other people, you are not alone, and you are doing the right thing.

I'm sorry that my post suggested that but it seem to me that you were questioning it (supporting). Is it wrong to feel that way, no. We can all feel that way in different difficult situations.

Just be the best possible dad you can be to your kids.

I feel for you, I really do, but also keep in mind that the point of the child support awards is not to just have the money available for the child(ren). The money is for their total support -- their housing, transportation costs while with their custodial parents, their food, their "portion" of the cable and electric bills, often their medicine, their candy bar at the grocery store, etc. It is not just the actual food they eat or the the clothes they wear on their back -- the clothes washer needs to be paid for too!

Also, the other point is that a child, regardless of the amount of money either parent has, is entitled to the monetary support of both parents, whether there is actual need or not. Part of the reason for this is that money paying for some items indirectly benefits your child (such as your ex-wife's hiring someone to mow the lawn allegedly allows her more time to spend with your son and be a family).

(__) That's me ducking!! -- I have truly seen extremes of both sides of this and know that there are some very difficult situations. I was just trying to point out the theory behind the awards. I wish you and all of your children the best of everything.

Just a thought...kids don't always make the best choices at this age, but when he is older, he will realize that you supported him through it all. Hopefully, with good influence from you, he will grow to realize that you are there for him. I pray that you will have a good relationship with him throughout both of your lives. It just might take awhile for him to realize how much you care. If you are so inclined, keep a journal and chronicle your feelings through all of this. Someday, it could make for interesting reading for him.

I appreciate all of your responses, and I understand the intent of support laws. I guess my emotion in the situation stems from many, many years of feeling helpless.

example: Many years ago (when my child was about 3 or 4) he told me out of the blue that he thought I was a good daddy. I had just finished tying his shoe, and I gave him a big hug and told him that I loved him. He then informed me that his mommy told him that I was a bad daddy because I didn't have any responsibility and that his new daddy loved him much more than I did (BTW, he's referred to 3 additional men as daddy during his life). It was everything I could do not to burst into tears. It was then that I realized that there was no way for me to combat this situation other than to make sure he knows I love him. Through the years, I've learned of many, many other things that she's done in order to hurt me and to turn him against me. I know it will probably take him many years to work through all the lies and find the truth. It's just really hard for me to stomach sometimes.

Well, your ex-wife sounds like she falls into the "total ass" category.

Hang in there.

Amen, Little Devil. I have friends who have deadbeat exes with children. I've seen two of them support their wives drug, drinking and men habits thru the money meant for their children. I have seen my friends support their ex's new boyfriend's kids using the child support meant for their children. It is tough to take. Some day your son will be old enough to understand and you will be able to hold your head high and inform him that you fulfilled your end of the bargain all these years. He can ask her what she did with the money. She will have to live with how she misspent the support. Make sure he has what he needs, even if you have to go buy it yourself. I know this is hard. If she continues to misuse the funds, get yourself a good lawyer and sue for custody. Make sure to document what you provide for him above and beyond your support payment (your new wife would probably love to take on this responsibility). If your kid needs sneakers and she was unable to provide it, write it down. If he needs football fees or new school clothes and your provide it, write it down. This will serve as good ammo if you find yourself in court, especially if she is looking for more money. You can point out that she doesn't use what you provide for him for the right things. I had one friend who made big bucks and a good portion of his pre tax money was going to child support but she was not supporting the son to the degree of the funds he was providing. I'm not sure I support his decision but he left his high paying job and took a $30,000 pay cut so she couldn't stay home and eat bon bons and live off of his hefty child support. He ended up getting screwed anyways since the judge figured out what he was up to and then alloted a higher percentage of his pay be paid to her. I am not an anti-feminist but the courts definately look favorably upon the moms. Good dads don't get a fair shake because of the number of deadbeats out there. Good luck. Do the right thing.

And please remember that just because he may choose to move in with her for a while doesn't mean that he won't be back with you... I have a friend whose son chose to live with his dad (hurt his mother terribly)but within a year or so he was asking to return to his mother. I think he returned a wiser young man because of the experience.

No. 1 rule of banking and (especially when it's messy) life...document, document, document. My daughter's in a custody battle with her soon to be ex and the diary she's kept strickly for recording his actions regarding their child will be strong ammunition against his allegations.

I'm told you can get child support reduced if you can prove that you're providing a significant portion of what the support is suppossed to pay for. Save your receipts. Write it down. And talk to a lawyer.

In the first place,if your ex-wife does has some kind of mantal disorder and is imposing detrmantal influence on your boy, may be you should try to search for some leagal basis which might support your sole custdy. But in other standing, should'nt a poor,divorced and mother retain her last mental resort?

I have to say that I find some of this offensive. I know there are many women and men out there like this, but here is my situation. We too had a son very young but never married. I was the one who went to college and now have a good job. I recently bought a house and think that we have a pretty good life. His father used to always be around whenever it was convenient and still doesnt have his act together. We went back to court again last year because we had a few things to get straightened out and I was awarded much more child support (basically because we hadn't went to court since he was born and we both made nothing back then). He (and his new wife) now want to follow the papers to the letter on visitation since they are paying more (10 years later). I am fine with that, I would never stop him from seeing his son, but his son is the one suffering at times. It was a total shock to him to go with his dad every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer when he had never been consistent for the last 10 years. He would cry and be so worried about it. He would never tell his dad any of this because he is afraid he would get mad so I listen and comfort him and tell him nice things about his dad. His father works weird hours so everything has to be convenient for him. I feel like we are being punished sometimes because we have a normal M-F schedule. It is getting better now so we will see how it goes. I try to be nothing but nice, but I feel like I just get walked all over because of it. Oh and by the way, when our son was little (like 3), his grandmother (father's mother--which she is a whole separate issue) would tell our son that when he was bigger he should live with his dad because he was a boy, and boys are supposed to live with there dads. It brought our son to tears and I had to explain that wasn't necessarily the case. I do feel for the original anon, but I just wanted to explain another case from a mother's perspective.

I've never understood how two people can be madly in love, create a life out of that love and then use that poor little life as a weapon against the former love. My heart aches for all of you.

You have every right to feel those feelings. But seriously, you need to let go of the hate you feel for your ex. It truly affects everyone you love. It is your parental right to support your children and if your ex chooses to spend the money inappropriatley, so be it. Let it go. I too, have a mentally challenged ex who owes in excess of $16K to date as all three of my children are upon their teenage years. Be thankful for what you do have and your son will reward you later in life. TRUST ME! Good luck and God Bless. Another survivor of the Deadbeat saga.

Your ex sounds like my husbands ex. I married my husband 13 years ago and have heard many, many comments like those. We had many court battles including a custody hearing which we lost. You can't beat it. We have always supported the kids, monetarily, and mentally. They are now a college freshman and high school senior. They are just now starting to come around - feeling more comfortable with us. The relationship we hope to have with them has not yet transpired, but I can see it eventually will. Hang in there. Have your support funds auto debited and forget about the money. Just be the best dad you can be!

Anon-I think you may be suprised by your son if he does go and live with his Mom. Your house has had rules and structure that he may see as prison bars at this moment, but will see is very reassuring when he has no structure.

If he does make that choice to live with her make sure he know without a doubt that he is welcome to come back home at any time.

Kids are smarter than we think. Keep being the great dad that it sounds like you are, don't stoop to your ex's level. Your son will realize that you are a great dad, despite what his mother tries to tell him. I am from a divorced family and I am a divorcee, and the one thing that I have been strong about, that no matter how I feel about my daughters father, I will not influence her in her feelings about her father. I want her to decide for herself, develop her own feelings for her father. And sometimes I am suprised by comments she makes about him. Things you wouldn't think an eight year old would pick up on. Kids are smart, they see things differently than adults do sometimes, sometimes in a clearer light. What is important is that you love your son and don't let him ever doubt it.

I don't know how old your son is, but have you considered counseling. I never said anything negative against him, but my ex tried everything he could to turn our son against me. He was about 9 when we went to counseling and it helped him to see that although he couldn't control his dad, he could control how he reacted to the things he said and did.