Sometimes being a blonde isn't easy, especially if you're cooking...

MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at
it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always
was."


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with
the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please
advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman
is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once
again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the
door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes
love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes,
sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then
why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and
then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you
crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said,
"Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,

Your Owner

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Dear Dogs and Cats,. . . . . . .

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Thanks--I needed that. Now I have to go repair my makeup after laughing so hard I cried!!

Oh my goodness, Michael. I agree with the soda and makeup and early warning signals! We need a new posting icon for ones the make you laugh this hard!

Thanks, I needed that!

Michael, how did you know I had this very conversation with my cats this morning, and last night and yesterday morning, you get the picture. I found out last night they managed to tear a hole in the liner under the sofa and consider it a fun place to hang out. ISN'T THERE ANYONE OUT THERE THAT WOULD LOVE A CUTE KITTEN OR TWO OR FIVE? One good point (besides they are so cute), I do get more exercise since they are around.

That is absolutely hilarious! The king sized bed part is so true. When I was on bedrest with my son, our dalmation took up over 1/2 the room - when I'd try to move her, she'd let out that "this is MY space"

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The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

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I just purchased a house with five stairways. The kids (2 kitties) had never even been on a stairway a few months ago and now they're in NASCAR mode! They even run down one, slide across the wood floor, hop onto the next floors post and sit and wait for me. Well at least this is what they try to do...half of the time they slide across the floor, smack into a wall, jump up at the post, miss, scratching it to smitherines (don't even ask about the glass I displayed there for a day) and then try to trip me down the next flight

This reminds me of last week when two of the kittens were chasing each other. One went into a slide across the floor and between the newels and to the bottom of the stair case. Luckily it is a split staircase so the fall wasn't great, but just shocking. Hopefully they will be big enough soon so that won't happened.

As I was typing this one of them pulled the curtains down in the kitchen. Grrrrrrr.