Well, It's Started!


Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

December 6: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor
tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't
think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow
came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I
would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We
aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was
off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of damn snow last night. More
shoveling. Took all day. Dam
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they
said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're
out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says
I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
sh#$ fell today, and it's so cold
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed
up to go out to shovel and then I
had to "go". By the time I got undressed, "went" and dressed again. I was
too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the
rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is
lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b*&^h who drives that
snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ba##s. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes
down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've
just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for that damn snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes
my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking
for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The
wife went home to her mother. 9"
predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

(We'll have to see if it is as funny with some edits. Some folks did take some offense.)

Good one!!!

Sounds like Upstate to me. :P We got 4 inches Monday and they were only calling for 1-3. Now today, it is about 47 and everything is slushy and gross.

Ahhh, the joy of winter. "I LOVE NY" NOT.

OMG, I haven't laughed that hard for a long time. And it's oh, sooo true - especially about the crazy snow plow guy

This thread needs the "close your door" notice

Anyone remember the Halloween storm that hit Minnesota back in '90-'91? I spent all day shoveling the driveway (while the neighbor guy plowed out three driveways around me and then proceeded to take his snowblower and go home!). Anyway, I had just finished and I heard the familiar rumble of the snowplow...I never knew such rage and then despair!

This is a very funny story. Wouldn't it have been just as funny without all the profanity? Probably so!

You know, I really miss winter. Jenny, I'd trade you in a heartbeat!!

Yep - that was a good one! When I moved "back east" - ah, the snow - the fun of shoveling. Last February, I spent 3 hours digging my car out - only to have the dang snowplow come by and wedge me in again!

Now that I'm back in CA, I guess I will miss that....

Honestly - I really will miss the snow.

No offense taken, I just snorted 10X reading that, it's awesomely funny! Thanks for sharing!

As a fellow NY'er I can sure relate!

LOL! MOML says, "See? I'm not the only one who feels that way!"

Three weeks til we head south!

Yes, it's still funny edited. I laughed my butt off this morning. Growing up in Chicago, I know that feeling!

And this is why, after the winter of 95/96, I moved from Connecticut to Texas. Merry Christmas, y'all, it's going to be 72 today!

I thought you “snow birds” might find this funny:

A couple of years ago, it snowed in South Louisiana. Sure it may have only been about ½ of an inch, but it was enough to cover the yard. It melted on the streets, though. They closed down the Mississippi River bridges in Baton Rouge and the 18 mile Atchafalaya Basin Bridge on I-10 between Lafayette and Baton Rouge, for fear of ice forming. That year Illinois played in the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans and a lot of them were trying to get home on that day. They just couldn’t understand why the roads were closed. The news showed them walking around town in sweatshirts (us locals were at home with the heater on full blast and and celebrating because the Saints must have won the Super Bowl).

The problem was that up north, you have those fancy road clearing machines that disburse sand/salt/whatever on the roads when they get icy. We have a dump truck and three guys with shovels. They showed them walking on the I-10 Mississippi River bridge spreading sand with the shovels. Now, this bridge is 6 lanes, 1 - 1.5 mi long, and 15-20 stories high. How would you like to be the guy working the shovel?

Oh, BTW its going to be 73 here today, but a “cold front” is moving through. Mid 60s this weekend. I think I’ll break out my sweater.

I thought this was hilarious and I only live in Iowa. I don't know what real snow and cold is!

I went canoeing in the Boundary Waters (lakes between Minnesota and Canada) last August. Before I left I thought "Yeah, it's northern Minnesota, but it's August for cryin' out loud!" Got down to 40 at night. When I got back I found out a friend had gone up there and chipped ice out from under the dock for his cooler each morning in July!

Wow, what hardy souls! And to think I was in love with a girl from Duluth in college! Thank god she dumped me or I'd have to go there for Christmas! (Nothing personal, Duluthians.)

Well, maybe you should have helped them with the shovels.

Great River, you must not have lived in Iowa very long. I grew up there and remember one commute in -50 degrees, with NO WIND....That was the NATURAL temperature!! My 17 mile commute to high school was -20 plus windchill (making it about -80) for a good 2 weeks out of the winter. Iowa is plenty cold....not Duluth cold and CERTAINLY not North Dakota cold, but cold, nonetheless.