Here is one more.
A man lives on the 10th floor. The man gets on the elevator in his apartment building every morning. He pushes the button for the 1st floor. He gets off the elevator and walks to work. Every evening, the same man gets on the elevator pushes the 5th floor button, gets off and walks the last 5 flights of stairs... why?

Because the 5th floor button is the highest one he can reach.

If I am talking....you should be taking notes.

The beatings will stop when moral improves.

and an oldie but goodie,

If I want your opinion I'll ask for it!

He's about as sharp as a bowling ball.

Yes, because he's a midget. You're good JacFSB...

How about "I'm not as think as you drunk I am," or "I'm home, take me drunk."

I'm sure this one may offend someone and it's not intended to do so and I'll apologize ahead of time but my grandmother always says this line and it cracks me up everytime...."I was as nervous as a whore in church".

NEW WORDS FOR 2004 - Essential additions for the workplace
vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of
noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day
swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with
the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whinny

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or creditcard that has been rendered
useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nichole show is a prime
example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap
out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found, " meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no
matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.


OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a
cube farm, then
enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following quotes----

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.


8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to
pee on the electric fence.


9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.


11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n putting it back


12. AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt
so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him
The moral When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND, ABOUT GROWING OLDER........

First, eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Second, the older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third, some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth, when you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to
youth, think of Algebra.


Fifth, you know you are getting old when every thing either dries or leaks.

Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the
top.

Seventh, one of the many things no one tells you about aging is
that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth, one must wait until evening to see how splendid the day
has been.

Ninth, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth, long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.


And finally, If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

When surrounded by females doing female things (shopping) and you (male) are in the vast minority. You are:

Swimming in the estrogen ocean.
or
You need squigee the estrogen off the walls

I apologize for offending any women, that was not my intent. I have gotten many laughs from those lines by men and women alike.

My personal favorite, "That went over like a pregnant pole vaulter".

Here's another new word:
DISCONFECT: The sterilization of a piece of candy by blowing on it and/or wiping it off within three seconds of dropping it on the ground.

She's about as sharp as a bag of wet hair.

A few of my favorite ways to maintain my sanity:)....

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"in."

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream, "I won,
I won!"

19. Tell your children over dinner; "due to the
economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."