Debalex,
I don't believe you are wrong AT ALL. A year is a long time, and in my mind that would seem to be exclusive. NOW, that said, unless specifically stated that you all were exclusive there is room for argument. But, acting like all is well and that this was a minor bump in the road when you were under different impressions would not be acceptable to me. JMO.

Okay so let me address the issue at hand. Sigh....I do understand how you would think that you were exclusive, but since you did not discuss it...that's a tough one. I dont think you were wrong to have these feelings. It was pretty heartless for him to invite someone else to a function that you were going to be at, but on the other hand, he told you up front instead of not telling you and you finding out at the function. I read a book called, In the Meantime. It was a really good book, and it said that if you're in a loving caring relationship, you should say, I understand and when you're done experiementing I'll be here for you. I think that's crap. I would have punched him in face or poked him in the eye. I know that doesnt really help, but again I'm bitter about what happened to me. I cant really tell you what to do at that point, because I would probably run as fast as I could, and try to just move on.

OKAY, Now as far as calling Eric a FTSOB, I would use that kind of language IF it were a Mariners game. Since it was only a Rocky's game it's a FTB.

I think the fact that you didn't talk about being exclusive is your fault. Technically, he didn't do anything wrong. I understand that you, and the vast majority of people, would feel that one year together makes it exclusive. The problem is, it doesn't matter what you or others feel in regards to this, it's what he feels. If it was that important to you to be exclusive, then you should have said something to him a long time ago.

Thanks for the responses. You are all more objective than my friends and I needed to have some outside input.

My intent was not to phase anyone. My intent was to point out that this is not an issue of rules changing. It is an issue of rules not being enforced.

I never said anyone wasn't competent to make their own decisions. But when those decisions ignore some values, it's hard for me to act surprised that other values are ignored, as well.

You probably should have discussed an exclusive relationship sometime within the past year (particularly if you were intimate). That being said, I can understand why you didn't. I have fallen into that trap myself. Being intimate does not guarantee a monogamous relationship although we would like to think it does. I have been in your shoes and it was not pleasant. At least he had the courtesy and enough respect for you to give you the heads up about the other woman. I can't say the same for my situation. I have since learned to never assume that a man feels the same way I do. I think it is time for you to move on. If he is interested in seeing other women, he is not ready to settle down with you and will only lead you to more heartache.

You know, Debalex, my knee jerk reaction to your initial question was that he was totally at fault. After reading these posts though, the guys all think you should have verbalized it. Makes me think that we women assume that everyone is on the same page without ever checking. Hmmmm....I'm going to ponder this for a while.

Has anyone ever been manipulated into a relationship that they knew was just not right, and then got stuck in it and had a lot of difficulty ending it?

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I think that could be the problem that the young lady in Georgia was having -- the runaway bride?

(I don't know why I'm even reading this thread....I've been quite happily married for many years...)

Ok, I don't know much yet about how to quote someone else on the thread and all, but I do want to address Jokerman for just one minute. Yes, I know that I am a hypocrite. I never said that I wasn't or that I was perfect. I am neither. But, my question was about today's accepted dating mores not morals. If I had wanted an opinion on my morals, I would have posted this elsewhere.

I am sure that you are a wonderful man and I assume that you are married and happy. I hope that you thank God every day for the blessing that is a good married relationship. Some of us have never been blessed in that way.

Now, back on topic -

I think that I must have felt a premonition somehow yesterday that I needed to get other prespectives on this situation. When I got home from work yesterday, there was a letter waiting for me.

I want to give a slightly more detailed account of our relationship so that I can clarify some things that I thought I had expressed to him. I have known him through church for 2 1/2 years. About 1 year ago it changed from friendship to a casual dating relationship. During the casual dating time, I explained that except for 1 disasterous 1 night stand, I had been celibate for 15 years. I explained that dating, to me, was something that I hoped would lead to a permanent marriage. He explained that having just been divorced, he didn't know when he would be ready to make that commitment again. We also checked out our health history and discussed birth control. All very adult and mature (I should hope so, we are not young)

Anyway, his letter is all about how he is sorry he hurt me and how he likes to be with me and wants to get back to "where we were before". But he also admits that apparently he did not know me very well.

I have to see him tonight at choir practice. This will not be uncommon. We are both involved in choir, Sunday School and the church decorating committee. It is our social circle.

I really appreciated the insight of the men on this thread. Would someone give me an opinion of what he might think we have to "go back to"?

It sounds to me like he wants to "go back to" being friends with benefits. Having all the benefits of a serious long term relationship (for example...sex) but none of the commitments.

From what I've observed over the last few years...men can do this...women cannot. Women associate emotions and feelings with sex much more so than men. Again, this is just my opinion!!! Please don't attack me...

I don't know JLJ, I've known more than one woman who certainly could (no, I didn't "know" them like "that"). Although in the big picture, you are right.

Debalex, I didn't comment on your morals or what was right or wrong. You and this fellow are the ones that chose your church, became active in it, etc. And I certainly wouldn't call you a hypocrite - I have no idea whether you have preached any moral code to anyone. And I'm not trying to come across as perfect - I have my own issues that I deal with every day.

I guess my point is that I think your reaction is a little naïve. Bad example, but the best one I can think of is the speed limit. It's there for our protection, lots of us exceed it, and occassionally, some of us get caught. When you get caught doing 75 in a 55, you don't argue that the ticket should really be written for 10 over, since everyone else was doing 65. You knew what the rules were, and you chose to take a risk by violating them.

Your church's teachings on sex and marriage aren't there to keep you from having a good time - they are there to protect you. From this. Respect yourself enough to require everyone else to, too.

I read that book last night, He's just not that into you. It was awesome. I wish I lived closer to you because I'd let you borrow my copy. It brings up this issue in the book, and well just by me saying this you can gather that the book would tell you that he's just not that into you. That your time is more precious to waste on him and you're an awesome woman and that there are better guys out there waiting for you to get over this jerk.

That said, when I was wanting things to work out with the cop, anyone that would have told me that I would have ignored. So, I would do whatever you feel is best for you right now. If you really like the guy LAY DOWN THE LAW, tell him what you want from him and dont assume that he already knows what you want. Guys can't read your mind!!! If he pulls this again, get the heck out, you can do better. That's what I would have wanted to hear with Eric. Good Luck

Here's one for you (abbreviated):
I was dating a woman, we got engaged, she got prego. I said lets just get married sooner and roll with this unplanned life. We are Christians. She freaked, FREAKED out, got the pill that aborts against my wishes. As time goes on, I am feeling more and more uneasy about the marriage gig and I tell her about this a few times. My internal conscience keeps telling me I made a commitment to marry her and stick with it, and maybe, just maybe, it will work out.

So, we got married. Going fair, not well, but fair. Her mom is going through a divorce and wants to move down to where we live (1200 miles from her home) and plans to set up a new life. She commits to paying rent to me (I owned the house before I got married), getting a job and a new life. OK, a year later, she has no job, has paid rent once or twice, had to turn in her car lease, and just sits around the house doing nothing all day but watch tv and walks to bingo.

I want out. I am tired of having this responsibility that I didn't sign up for. My wife is pretty cool most of the time (although I pay for everything except her car and car insurance), but I am just not in love with her.

I sold my house (prices here are going up and trying to ride the wave). And I said, ok, lets get a place just us and let your mom get her own. However, she is unable to do that because she still has no job, no car, etc. and needs to have place to live.

I have rented a brand new 3/2 house for six months. I am thinking of just paying for the house lease, and telling the wife that I am moving out and I want a divorce.

Am I doing the right thing? What do I owe her as far as $$ goes for the future? We have been married for just over a year. She quit her job in a bank and is now a wedding planner and she is doing ok. Without me taking care of the bills for the entire time, there is no way she could have made the career change. I want to do what is right.

Thanks.

Wow! Sounds like you should never have married in the first place, but you thought you were doing the right thing for the child and that never happened! I'm not an advocate of divorce, but if you do not love this woman, how can you stay with her? You need love to make a marriage work. I think you both need to cut your losses and move on. I know I would not want to be in a loveless marriage.

How long do you want to live in a miserable situation? I really shouldnt give any opinions in this matter, being a single female, never married. That's the only thing I will say though. Sorry

Oh, and is there a Pastor at your church that you could possibly talk to? Just a suggestion before you decide to divorce the lady.

I have been seeing a counselor about this, but I do need to see a Pastor about this. Thanks.

You're welcome. I hate to say this, but I dont envy you and the situation that you're in. I'd rather be single and have a lot of boy troubles to figure out. They're easier to get rid of. My Pastor is getting an ulcer from my problems though.

I appreciate that. Definite lessons to be learned here, but it is taking it's toll on me emotionally and physically.

Hey Anon, make sure you keep me updated on what you decide. If you're registered you can pm me if you need to talk