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#325803 - 05/05/05 10:06 PM Re: Dating Troubles
HRH Dawnie Offline
Power Poster
HRH Dawnie
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 7,353
Anchorage Alaska
Deb, just an FYI I'm not a male, nor do I play one on TV, but my name sounds male so I thought I'd give you perspective

I've been in a relationship with the same guy for five years now. We purchased a home together this year and we've never had the "are we exclusive" conversation. There isn't a need. It is rather apparent (and has been since year one). I think looking at your relationship with this man would answer that question as well. (Is he a jerk, or did you overread the relationship to something it was not?) Do you only spend time together in church? Are you talking daily? Spending time in a non-sexual way? What does he "call" you when he introduces you to others? Have you spent time with his work, family, etc? Or do you sleep together after church? And were you a convenience item?

Sleeping with a guy does not define a relationship. I feel (and I don't think it's uncommon) that the time you don't spend in the sack is where the clues to the relationship are really formed. So, what are the answers? And then how do you relate to this? If you were a convenience item, did you allow that? And if so, is he really at fault? If you gave him a clear picture as to what you wanted, and he used you as a convenience item, well I wouldn't cozy up to him again. Actually I wouldn't either way. He wants different things than you, and you don't want to be a convenience item right? Chalk it up to a bad decision (we all make them) and move on to someone who gives you those non-sexual clues that you are more to them. It will happen Don't drill a guy to the umpteenth degree about the level of your relationship in the future...you'll scare the hell out of him (which might be ok in church) Just open yourself up to the clues about your relationship and don't take sex to be the only factor.

Anon, you married a woman who aborted your child against your will I believe that a woman has a right to choose, but I also feel that in a couple's situation, that right also extends to the father if the couple cares about each other at all. That was a huge clue to her value of your wishes. Someone like Jokerman is going to come on and bash me for saying that but I really think weighing a choice, and a family decision must be done if there is any value to a relationship.

Now it's hindsight. I would imagine that with values this far apart you aren't with the woman of your dreams, but you've tried. I think you're smart to seek counseling, but I'd advise non-church, or a really open church for sure! Staying married just to appease the priest isn't of value.

Having her mother with you in your first year with each other probably hurts your relationship quite a bit. I love my mother, but in your first year of marriage, you need to learn to live with each other. Helping in an emergency is one thing, but this is just wrong. If you can't get rid of mom, and then try to work things out with your wife, then save yourself and her by giving up if you have tried all else. You both deserve a happy life.

What do you owe her? After 17 years I didn't attach my husband's retirement, ask for support, etc. We built our world together, had no children to worry about, and were both able to work. You don't owe her anything. She does not owe you anything After one year, an even split of any assets built together, if you want them, would be fair, but your home was your home, and you paid for her mother and her business to be built. Try if you split to make that clear, and don't attach her business to your assets. Hopefully she'll see that is fair, and walk away without difficulty.

In a community property state though...you could owe her everything. See an attorney now, and be very careful about money until you decide.

I left a marriage of 17 years when we were not enemies. We just didn't love each other, and I felt we both deserved more. Neither of us regret that now. It's not easy, but for the long haul, it's worth it.
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CRA Rating is in...Oh who cares...I'm home with the baby.

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#325804 - 05/06/05 01:10 PM Re: Dating Troubles
HappyGilmore Offline
10K Club
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,583
Pulling people out of the ditc...
Dawnie - I think you need to change your tag line to read: VP/CRA Queen and marriage counselor/purveyor of wisdom. You make some excellent points, especialy since you've been in a similar situation.
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#325805 - 05/06/05 03:16 PM Re: Dating Troubles
AngelinaLM Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,655
Boise, ID
I totally agree. You could be Dr. Dawnie
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#325806 - 05/06/05 04:21 PM Re: Dating Troubles
Debalex Offline
New Poster
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 18
Dawnie -

You're name sounds female to me with that spelling.

I don't think we were defined by sex. I definitely thought he knew how important I found that part to be, seeing as he knew I had spent 15 years without it waiting for the right person. Also, we knew each other/dated for a year and a half before it became a sexual relationship. But, it all boils down to what do I want and what does he want, and they don't match up.

I just wish that I understood why.

Also, this is a man that called me every day at least once a day and also everytime he hear Enya on the radio. We spent lots of time together in nonsexual situations. He spent Christmas and new years with my family.

I feel that there were strange mixed signals and maybe he just got cold feet or something. But, once again it doesn't matter. He claims that he cannot understand my behavior and I do understand what he is currently saying. So, I said "no more" on Thursday and it is over.

So ends my strange saga...

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

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#325807 - 05/06/05 04:32 PM Re: Dating Troubles
AngelinaLM Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,655
Boise, ID
So last night I went out for my friends birthday. We have a guy friend that used to like me, and I havent seen him for a couple years. He couldnt keep his hands off me last night, and I was under the impression that we were just friends. It's a never ending cycle of confusion for me.
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#325808 - 05/06/05 04:49 PM Re: Dating Troubles
Bones Offline
Power Poster
Bones
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,020
Land of Enchantment
Quote:

Dawnie -

You're name sounds female to me with that spelling.

I don't think we were defined by sex. I definitely thought he knew how important I found that part to be, seeing as he knew I had spent 15 years without it waiting for the right person. Also, we knew each other/dated for a year and a half before it became a sexual relationship. But, it all boils down to what do I want and what does he want, and they don't match up.

I just wish that I understood why.

Also, this is a man that called me every day at least once a day and also everytime he hear Enya on the radio. We spent lots of time together in nonsexual situations. He spent Christmas and new years with my family.

I feel that there were strange mixed signals and maybe he just got cold feet or something. But, once again it doesn't matter. He claims that he cannot understand my behavior and I do understand what he is currently saying. So, I said "no more" on Thursday and it is over.

So ends my strange saga...

Thanks to everyone for the advice.




Good for you. You deserve someone that is going to love you (and only you) with all of his heart!
Last edited by LadyLuck; 05/06/05 05:01 PM.
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#325809 - 05/09/05 01:57 PM Re: Dating Troubles
Skunk Boy Offline
Diamond Poster
Skunk Boy
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,896
R.I.P. Chief Illiniwek
So the girl called me Friday night. I haven't talked with her since the night I called her last week. She told me she got back together with her ex-boyfriend.

That's funny. I never knew she even had a boyfriend. I knew she was dating a guy, but I thought it was very casual and not "boyfriend" status. This means her and I were definitely seeing each other while they were dating (and possibly even "boyfriend" status). I would have never pursued anything had I known about a / the boyfriend - I'm not one of those guys. And for the record, she even told me "he's not even my boyfriend".

Tells me two things:
1) This has nothing to do with me (I would hope)
B) She has issues. I'm better off steering clear anyway.
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#325810 - 05/09/05 03:22 PM Re: Dating Troubles
AngelinaLM Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,655
Boise, ID
First of all let me start out by laughing at you for your numbering system, very funny.

Then let me say, FTB, like you said before. That is a horrible thing for her to do. She has some issues and you are way better off avoiding her. There are better girls out there, as I said before, even ones that like the Cubs---not many but I know there are some ---so forget her. I wouldnt even answer if she calls you again.
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I was wondering if you would like to join me in my quarters this night... for some toast.

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#325811 - 05/09/05 04:23 PM Re: Dating Troubles
bluebanker Offline
Diamond Poster
bluebanker
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,227
Bear Country
The good thing about girls that are Cubs fans are that they like to drink. And the more they drink, the better I look!
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If you're not first, you're last.

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#325812 - 05/09/05 04:29 PM Re: Dating Troubles
AngelinaLM Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,655
Boise, ID
Hey Blue, you want to be my date in June? Preston, ID is having a Napoleon festival, tot eating contest and all. I'm not a Cubs fan, but I'll drink a lot so that you look better.
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I was wondering if you would like to join me in my quarters this night... for some toast.

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#325813 - 05/09/05 07:38 PM Re: Dating Troubles
Anonymous
Unregistered

Quote:

Hey Blue, you want to be my date in June? Preston, ID is having a Napoleon festival, tot eating contest and all. I'm not a Cubs fan, but I'll drink a lot so that you look better.




What is a tot eating contest?

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#325814 - 05/09/05 07:54 PM Re: Dating Troubles
Raiderette Offline
Diamond Poster
Raiderette
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,316
New Mexico
blue,
I don't think you will need a girl to drink a lot so that you look better. You are completly fine in that department. I would be more worried about the fact that she might look better.
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#325815 - 05/09/05 08:38 PM Re: Dating Troubles
HappyGilmore Offline
10K Club
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,583
Pulling people out of the ditc...
Quote:

What is a tot eating contest


DUH
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Providing alternative truths since the invention of time

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#325816 - 05/09/05 08:41 PM Re: Dating Troubles
AngelinaLM Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,655
Boise, ID
Tater Tot eating contest. They're also supposed to have a teatherball contest, a bike riding contest, and many other events.
_________________________
I was wondering if you would like to join me in my quarters this night... for some toast.

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#325817 - 05/09/05 08:58 PM Re: Dating Troubles
Skunk Boy Offline
Diamond Poster
Skunk Boy
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,896
R.I.P. Chief Illiniwek
Milk tasting?
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#325818 - 05/09/05 09:07 PM Re: Dating Troubles
Anonymous
Unregistered

Butercup, you are right, dating isn't all it's cracked up to be. Have you thought of using that online dating service advertised on TV by Dr. Neil Clark Warren??? You can complete your personal profile for $40 and be matched with guys that like the same things as you. Who knows?

Don't give up.

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#325819 - 05/10/05 12:46 PM Re: Dating Troubles
obx nut Offline
Gold Star
obx nut
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 304
Midwest
That dating website is eharmony.com. Not worth it. Just my opinion, of course,
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If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

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#325820 - 05/10/05 01:34 PM Re: Dating Troubles
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
Quote:

GRRRRRRRRR, I have Cingular service and a Samsung phone. If you know of anything, I'd really appreciate it!




Try this
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#325821 - 05/10/05 01:48 PM Re: Dating Troubles
MB Guy Offline
10K Club
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 10,124
Way, way south.
I have met and dated some truly good women through the internet. I know it's different for a guy, but even now, probably my best female friend is someone I met online. If you try it, take your time and chat for a long, long time before you meet with them. Not eveyrone believes in it, but it worked well for me.
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Giddy up.

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#325822 - 05/10/05 02:22 PM Re: Dating Troubles
obx nut Offline
Gold Star
obx nut
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 304
Midwest
I ditto what you said about meeting through the internet. I have met some wonderful people this way. Also have met more than my share of not-so-wonderful people as well. One of my best friends is a guy I met that way. We realized that a romance was not in the cards....but here we are almost 5 years later and I love him dearly. We now share our "online horror stories" with each other.

You just need to be careful, be sure of what you are looking for, be sure to meet in a public place the first time. Don't give out a lot of personal information until you have a good comfort level. The most difficult part is to not take everything personally. We are all unique individuals - finding "the one" is not as simple as they would lead you to believe.
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If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

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#325823 - 05/10/05 02:49 PM Re: Dating Troubles
AngelinaLM Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,655
Boise, ID
The problem I've had with the internet is the that the cop and I clicked online, but when we were face to face, it went not so well. I'm internet shy. I'm always afraid that the person I'm talking to is 4'11 555lbs pretending to be a guy that looks like David James Elliot---by the way thats what I tell people that are creepy, I'm 4'11 555lbs joined the Army to lose weight.
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I was wondering if you would like to join me in my quarters this night... for some toast.

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#325824 - 05/10/05 03:07 PM Re: Dating Troubles
obx nut Offline
Gold Star
obx nut
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 304
Midwest
Well I refuse to meet anyone that cannot provide a picture. I am not looking to meet Tom Cruise, and I am not a pageant winner myself....however....I know what appeals to me. There has to be a sense of "yeah...I kinda like that" combined with the humor and kind heart.

Someone who is honest about who they are and how they look stands a far better chance with me.
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If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

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#325825 - 05/10/05 05:43 PM Re: Dating Troubles
AngelinaLM Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,655
Boise, ID
Do you guys have the 8 min. dating in your towns? I hear it's fun. You rotate around table to table and you only have 8 min to talk to that person.
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I was wondering if you would like to join me in my quarters this night... for some toast.

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#325826 - 05/10/05 05:51 PM Re: Dating Troubles
obx nut Offline
Gold Star
obx nut
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 304
Midwest
We have it, but I have never done it, nor do I know anyone who has.
_________________________
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

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#325827 - 05/10/05 06:47 PM Re: Dating Troubles
someone else Offline
Power Poster
someone else
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,300
back to my roots
Quote:

Do you guys have the 8 min. dating in your towns? I hear it's fun. You rotate around table to table and you only have 8 min to talk to that person.




Just goes to prove that things move faster here in CA. We have 5 minute dating...a friend of mine went and had a blast! She didn't meet the man of her dreams but she did meet some nice people and had a great experience.
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