Man of the House:

A man had just finished reading the book, "How to make Yourself the Man of the House?" He storms into the kitchen and tells his wife...I want you to know that I am the Man of this House and my word is law!! Starting tonight I want you to cook me a gourmet meal and when I finish my meal I expect a delicious dessert to be waiting for me. Than after dinner you are to draw me a hot bath so I can relax. When I finish my bath guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair? To which his wife replied, " The funeral director"!!

You go girl.

I just spit my very healthy chocolate 'frosted donette' onto my keyboard!! LMAO!!

Love it!!!

Great!

LMAO

Ya know...I believe I would have a very hard time remaining lady-like should my husband feel the need to demand that I "draw him a bath."

Here's one from the late comedian Robin Harris:

When I got married, I threw my wife a pair of my pants and said, "Put them pants on." She said, "I can't wear your pants," and I said, "You know who wears the pants in the family." That was nothing. She told me to put on her pants. I replied, "I can't get in your pants," and she said, "And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

It may be old, but I like the way this woman thinks!!

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place.

His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from
the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home . . . . . . . . . .

. . .including the curtain rods!

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER


Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.



Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your

breasts to grow, then every day take a

piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."



Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stood in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will

this take?" I asked.


“They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.



“Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts

every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"



Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"



He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.