People don't always ask this question or any other probing question just to be prying jerks. Yes, some people are just jerks. Others are just talking, asking an albeit nosey, but still somewhat logical next step kind of question. If you're married, are you or when are you going to have children? Why is a comeback necessary? Why not just say "still practicing" and smile and change the subject?

This is such a strange society we live in today. Everyone feels they have a right to know everything but no one wants to give up their privacy. Civility is the least we should expect on both the giving and receiving end in communication.

We went thru years of infertility so I know how rude people can be about "when are you going to have kids". After many surgeries and drugs, at 37 I finally had my baby. I said that if God let me have one healthy child I would never try the drug route again. So we have only the one and I can't believe how many people to this day (he's a teen) ask why we didn't have more! I very bluntly tell them I couldn't, it usually embarasses them.

I like the emabrass them route. I had my first daughter at 18 (other at 28!) and people always say to me "you look to young to have a daughter that old." I usually respond, "Thank you, I am too young." Normally they are not trying to be complementary (sp??) so why should I let them off the hook.

Well, anon, you prove my point. Even if they're not trying to be complementary, can't you be gracious? Lead by example rather than extracting an eye for an eye. You know, kill 'em with kindness!

Sometimes it gets frustrating to keep "killing them with kindness" when they keep coming at you with meanness, as unintentional as that meanness may be. As someone who knows how it feels to be hurt repeatedly by random people's words, you try to let it roll off your back, but you can only take so much.

One of my girlfriends isn't having kids because her view is that she doesn't think it is fair to bring someone into this unsafe world. I don't think this world is so bad, but I just can't convince her otherwise.
I don't have children yet, and have only been married a year, but we get asked constantly why we don't have kids, or when we are going to. We say that we will have kids when we have taken all the romantic vacations that we want to, before we have to go to places like Disneyland with the kids.

I have friends who are trying to adopt right now. It is a very difficult and heart breaking process. Someone who says why don't you just adopt has obviously never attempted to do so.

I adopted 15 years ago through a private attorney in Honduras. It can be heartwrenching, but the outcome was well worth it. However, I understand, at least in my state that if you adopt through the state that it is not as much of an ordeal or wait as it was 15 years ago! If I was younger and my child was not just a few years out of the house, I would adopt another one through the state.

I don't understand how not having kids is selfish either. I have two girls, we wanted two. We waited a while after we were married to have them...everyone asked when, then when the first was born, they started right in on "when is number 2 coming." I told them that having children is not required, like filing and paying taxes by April 15th. And it's not a check-off itme on a check list either. We would do it when we wanted to(you can read into that if you want).

My next question is,"is it selfish to not have a dog?" how about a cat? don't tell me it's not the same thing. yes it is the same thing...being selfish is eating the whole gallon of ice cream yourself, in front of everyone else at the party...selfish is not offering to share your last to beers with your friend. Not having children is no different than not having a pet. And the reasons are as different as people themselves.

However, if I ask if you plan to have kids, I am just making small talk or trying to get to know you better. I am not prying, just curious if you plan to have kids. That's all, please don't be mean to me for asking an innocent question.

This is beaconpaul...I didn't log in.

We remained "childless" for 12 years.....not by choice....Probably daily someone would say....."And when do you guys plan to start a family". At first I would say "oh soon"....then when soon didn't come, I'd say, "maybe later". Then THEY began to say, "You're not getting any younger." Finally, I just said "when we can move in with you guys." That generally shut them up.

Finally we adopted.....No sooner had his first diaper been changed they began asking "When is the next one?" Gosh, some people are just never satisfied.

People (mostly family) have been harrassing my husband and I since our wedding 5 years ago. My answer used to be, "We have fur-babies for now, but thanks for asking." It has evolved into, "when crate training is legal." Gets a much better reaction!

I come right out and say I didn't have kids because I am too selfish. I wanted a career and didn't want day care to raise my kids. I would have had to quit work to be there for them, and I didn't want to.

Maybe it is the way I say it, but it shuts people up right away and they change the subject. I guess there is no arguing with the truth! I AM selfish.

Actually Nanwa I think that is a very unselfish response The real selfish ones are the ones who have children only to find out that they are not happy and who suffers then....the children!
It's a personal choice, no different than deciding once you have children if you should work or not, if your children will go to a daycare, or if they will go to private or public schools. Everyone is opinionated on these subjects, an too many think they know what is right for others....in reality the only person who knows what is right for me, is me And what is right for me may not be right for you!

Jennifer, I totally agree with you! I won't tell you how to raise your kids if you won't tell me that I should have kids.

Agreed!

I have never thought that when people ask about children that they are being rude or nosy. Instead, I've always thought that it's a compliment. People do not ask unhappy couples when they're having children. I think it's a natural (or maybe it's just the norm) progression to see happy people produce happy families. People want to see this type of family grow so, their questions never struck me as rude or overly inquisitive, and I NEVER felt the need to strike back with a rude answer to a question that indicated they thought all was well in my world, and that I'd obviously be a good parent.

But anon, I've been in your boat. My ex and I were unable to have children (we chose not to actually) due to a genetic issue with his family. We didn't feel we could make the choice for the child (to live with Huntingtons) and so we did not have children. We did look to adoption, and even thought at one time we were having a child this way, but at the end, the catholic church failed us (long story short...they gave the child to another couple after letting us pay the mothers expenses for 7 months). Heart wrenching pain I'd never want to experience again!!!

But, the questions never offended, and still don't (I'm 42 and still get them). Yes sometimes I wish children would have been in the picture. I always wanted them and I know your pain. But try to remember that the folks asking are complimenting you by saying you'd make a great mom, and that they're not trying to expose your pain. AFter all, how would they know?

I have gone through all the answers, trying the truth first (far too long and overly depressing to answer that way!) and then went to sarcasm. I have found that the best answer is: When are you having kids? "When it's legal to lock them in the house for a week while I'm vacationing in France." For those who do not really know you, it causes a giggle (your answer needs to be so far fetched it couldn't be real...as in the crate answer or mine) and the conversation moves on. For those who you care about and know better, an explaination quietly at a later date is perfectly appropriate. My closer friends and associates know that I wanted children but for the rest of the world...letting them think that I prefer drinking wine in France to changing diapers is just fine

My heart goes out to you anon. I really do know your pain, but at 42, I can tell you, life does go on. You can find happiness without children and your wine celler will be MUCH better without the expense of pampers

Kids? My cat runs me ragged ... a kid might kill me.

[quot "People do not ask unhappy couples when they're having children..."

"...question that indicated they thought all was well in my world, and that I'd obviously be a good parent."

Honestly, at one point, everyone asked. How do they know if my husband & I are happy. We were separated at one point in our marriage. As with everyone, we have had our ups & downs. But the questions didn't seem to stop. Now that we are in our 30's, they have tapered off some though. Thank goodness!



"My heart goes out to you anon. I really do know your pain, but at 42, I can tell you, life does go on. You can find happiness without children and your wine celler will be MUCH better without the expense of pampers "

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Thank you. Your words are comforting. I am growing to see and accept this. At my age, I'm too set in my ways now. I suppose it wasn't in God's plan for us & at some point I will understand why.

I appreciate everyone's posts!