OK. I will be leaving early today if I can get out and I'm travelling tomorrow. I don't want to miss out on the fun so I'll try to start it a little early. I got this in a e-mail recently and loved it. (Thx David)

A train stops at the train station.
A bus stops at the bus station.
On my desk I have a computer work station. Go figure.

That kind of goes with the old adage, I think from George Carlin, we drive on Park Ways but park our cars or trucks as the case may be in Drive Ways. Go Figure.

In reference to George Carlin and one of the differences between baseball and football:

In football, men march down the gridiron up into enemy territory, using a artillery of strategic air and groud assaults in hopes of defeating the enemy and being victorious.

In baseball, men just go home...I'm going home........

George Carlin had alot of those, like jumbo shrimp. Are they large shrimp or small jumbos? How about the word "deplane", to get off an airline? I thought I was on de - plane?

Where're you off to Andy?

Another Carlinism:
Get on the plane? No way! I'm getting in the plane!

How 'bout this Carlinism:

"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

Its where the work stops and the fun begins.

Sister Susie, Brother John, Martin Luther, Phil and Don, Uncle Ernie, and Auntie Gin.

Open the door . . . let me in!

another Carlinism! This is.."a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose to either share this insight, or to just hit delete."

I prefer Steven Wright.

"So, live around here often?"

I get no respect. I bought my son a BB gun for Christmas; he bought me a shirt with a bullseye on the back for my birthday.

R. Dangerfield

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

How about this Carlinism:
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
How appropriate for BOL!

Due to the fact that Monday falls on Tuesday this Wednsday, our regular Thursday meeting will be held on Friday instead of Saturday, because Sunday's a holiday.

Floryan Rolek

Warning--a slightly off color Carlinism:

It is ok to say that someone "pricked their finger," but don't dare say they "fingered their p***k."

How 'bout this:
You can pick your friends.
You can pick your nose.
But you can't pick your friend's nose.

If you want to go back to school, try this. (I answer compliance questions, whew, am I lucky or what.)

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, Kansas. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, Kansas and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, Kansas - 1895 Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb?
Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. per bu, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $.20 per inch?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.


U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

Orthography (Time, one hour)

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.


Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

When I die...I want to die like my granfather, peacefully in his sleep, not like the passengers in his car yelling and screaming....

"Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requeris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior."

There is a sign above the sink in the break room that states:
"If you cannot do dishes, DO NOT EAT!"

Nescio quid dicas.

Nescio quid dicas...means, "I don't know what you are talking about."

One of my coworkers forwarded this story. True or not, I think it's pretty funny!

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a****-up!"

It was the usual busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "You have to move."