I am posting this today because I am angry and frustrated. I don't really need advice, per se, but just a forum to vent my feelings. Thank you, in advance, for listening.

On Saturday my father and I got into a really bad fight. Now this is not surprising. We do not see eye to eye on just about anything. But this was over the top. Let me give you the background.

A couple of months ago, my 18 year old brother (who still lives with my folks) came home sporting a mohawk. My parents told me about this and I thought that was pretty cool. You have to know my brother's personality to see why he could totally pull it off. My parents were outraged at him, and me, saying I was encouraging him to behave badly. We obviously disagree on this because I look at it as just a hairstyle. He already has a tattoo around his wrist, so obviously that is the look he is going for. Who cares?

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago, my 6 year old son came home from summer camp asking for his hair to be in a mohawk. I said that's fine, as long as the school doesn't have any rules against it. There are several other young boys in the camp sporting that hairstyle and they all look adorable. The school said it was fine so I took my son to get it cut. Unfortunately, my son could not adequately describe the cut he was looking for and we didn't have a picture, so he opted to wait for another time. I said, no problem, and marveled at my son's logical approach to the situation.

Well, somehow my father found out that I was going to let my son have a mohawk and he freaked out on me. Told me that I am a bad parent, that I don't teach my son right from wrong, that I need to think about other people's reactions to that type of hairstyle and that I need to think 10-15 years ahead and what will he be like then.

I was dumbfounded and furious! How dare he criticize my parenting! Over a 6 year old's hairstyle! If my son were ill-mannered and behaved poorly, then I could see limiting what he is allowed to do. But my son makes excellent choices, is extremely well-behaved at home and at school. He just wants to have his hair like the other kids in class. I let him know that some other kids might not like the hair and make fun of him, but he said he doesn't care what other people think of him. It's his hair and that's the way he wants it. (I really love that about him; he is so self-confident).

Anyway, my father went so far as to say that he would not take my son on the planned hunting trip this week if he showed up with a mohawk. I was in utter disbelief. I said, You would not take your 6-year old grandson hunting with you, because of a hairstyle?! He said yes, because it would be a poor, negative reflection on him. Furthermore, my mom would not take him to school with her (she is his before/after school care and she teaches at the same school he attends) because she would be embarrassed to be seen with him. Can you believe that?!?! (These are the same people who take their 18 year old tattooed, punked hair and funky clothes son with them places - including on this hunting trip).

I am seriously thinking about keeping my son away from them. They cannot keep their opinions to themselves, they repeatedly disrepect me and my parenting and they are so judgmental that I am afraid they are going to hurt my son's feelings.

Thanks for letting me vent. This issue is really bothering me (along with so many others).

Redshift, just a few supporting comments here.

I totally agree with letting your children do whatever they want with their hair, as long as their behavior warrants getting things they want.

When my boys were in elementary school I let they do all sorts of things with their hair, dye it colors, different cuts, one of them even shaved their head. Personally I did not like the shaved head but it did grow back within a couple weeks.

I had many talks with them about how hair is just hair and anything they do to it is just temporary. We discussed the difference between dying their hair and getting a tattoo or a piercing or anything else permanent.

My only stipulations were that it be done by a professional so that they would not get their little scalps burned and that we had mostly normal hair cuts & colors for their school pictures and Christmas dinner. However, I did let one have red hair for Christmas one year! What the heck, it was only hair and red is a Christmas color.

The ironic part is that by the time they were both in middle school they had completely grown out of it. They both sport Caesars which is sort of a crew cut that is a little longer in the front, almost short bangs.

Well, I'm glad your Dad never saw my Westie after I combed him into a 'faux-hawk' for a picture. Lord knows how the dog's character would have changed....the other dogs would have treated him differently, his Schnauzer girlfriend might have given him the cold shoulder, he might have had to fight Opal (a lovable mastiff..)

(See, this is why I love AML.)

I agree with the PPs - it's only hair, for Pete's sake. Why does it have to "say" anything about the grandparents??? That's just silly. And the grandparents in question are waaaaaaaaaayyyyy too concerned with what others think, evidently. I find that sad.

Ok, I am going to get jumped on here but...a mohawk hair style is looked upon as a "punk" hairstyle. You said it your self " punked hair ". But at six years old I truly admire your son's spirt of self confidence. I personally do not like this hair style on anyone, it goes along with tattoos, nose rings, and black clothing, if my daughter brought home a young man with this hair style I would probably freak. However, this is YOUR child. It seems your parents are trying to control you and in the process are destroying their relationship with you and their grandson. I would be concerned that if you let him get this cut his grandparents would belittle him into thinking he is not worthy of their loved based on the way he looks and what the heck kind of example is that to set for a child? Jeesh, good luck!

Not jumping on you, just offering a different perspective. A 6-yr old has no social or historical context for a mohawk, it's just a fun thing to do with hair. He's not going to get an anarchy tattoo, ask you to buy him box sets of the Sex Pistols and the Buzzcocks, start taking Thorazine to relax and going slam-dancing until 4 in the morning.

Here's a middle ground for you: just trim the sides of the kid's hair short on the sides and leave it longer on top. When he wants to get his 'hawk' on, just reach for the styling gel. When he's visiting the grands, leave it natural and do a comb-over. Just draw the line at the plaid pants and Baby Doc Martens

I think you need to rethink the relationship between your son and his grandparents. It seems to me that they do not love him, since they put their own self image above him. That sounds insecure, petty, and controlling. If it isn't the mohawk, what else will they pick on?

I am a firm believer of avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable or angry. Life is too short to spend it fighting all the time. Does he have another set of grandparents that are more loving and accepting?

Can I offer a different spin on the grandparents?

Quote:

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On Saturday my father and I got into a really bad fight. Now this is not surprising. We do not see eye to eye on just about anything. But this was over the top. Let me give you the background.

A couple of months ago, my 18 year old brother (who still lives with my folks) came home sporting a mohawk. My parents told me about this and I thought that was pretty cool. You have to know my brother's personality to see why he could totally pull it off. My parents were outraged at him, and me, saying I was encouraging him to behave badly. We obviously disagree on this because I look at it as just a hairstyle. He already has a tattoo around his wrist, so obviously that is the look he is going for. Who cares?

...This issue is really bothering me (along with so many others).

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Some points to consider:
1) This particular hairdo was already an issue for your parents.
2) Now your son is repeating the same thing. This could be considered by them a slap in the face from you and him.
3) Apparently, you don't get along with your parents. After your brother's hairdo elicited such a strong reaction from them are you really surprised at how your parents (father) acted?

I'm not supporting or condoning their actions. It might have been easier for all concerned to put your 6 year old son off with "now's not the best time to get that haircut, let's wait a bit". Six year olds switch their interests as fast as the weather changes. No, you aren't obligated to do anything other than what you did. But if you want smoother sailing with your parents, one of you needs to be the better person and quit blowing up waves.

Truffle - I totally hear you on that! I didn't tell my parents about the mohawk. My son called my brother, who in turn told my parents, who in turn yelled at me. I know this is a sensitive subject for them and I was trying to be respectful of their feelings by avoiding the subject altogether. And, you are right, a 6 year old's preferences can change on a daily basis - so I have not pursued the haircut issue with him since. I am waiting for him to come to me, proving to me that this is something that he still seriously wants. I am just so disappointed in my parents. They have never been able to accept me unconditionally, but I really thought they would make the change for my son. I guess not. They have been exceptionally harsh on me because I do not choose to raise my son as a Christian (and I expected that backlash) but I had no idea that they would take their judgment this far. Some of the things they have said to him are mind-boggling. One time, for example, they told him that I was condemning him to hell because I didn't take him to church. Unbelievable! They say unkind things about me to him which I cannot tolerate anymore. And I told my father that if I hear he has criticized my son for even one second on this trip that I will remove my son from my father's life. Period. I will not have him repeating the mistakes of the past on my son. No way.

The sad thing is your father is only reacting out of love, wanting the best for you and his grandson. It's too bad that he doesn't realize that the "best" isn't exactly what he would do. My dad is like that as well, I know he's gonna flip when I tell him I'm not going to raise my kids as Christians. But to be fair, many Christians see choosing not being a Christian as soul suicide. So he just doesn't want you guys to suffer in hell. That's pretty sweet, it's just that not everyone beleives in hell.

Redshift, even though you were only posting as a "vent" you know many of us are going to chime in and offer our two cents worth as well.

From what you have said, you have handled the situation admirably with your son (yes, one summer my 6 year old daughter had purple hair). As you noted, the problem is with the grandparents and you have some terribly difficult decisions to make in this area.

Are you prepared to fully isolate them from your son's life? And better yet, is he? How is this going to afect you in the sense that they are involved in his before/aftercare at school and that his grandmother teaches their as well?

Are you willing to find other care for him and how are you going to address the school issue? While it cannot hurt to have an honest and frank talk with them, any decisions/ultimatums you make, will need to be backed up. Just be prepared. Best of luck!

I'm not one of those people who instantly jump into the context of go get professional help, but you've got a repeating theme going on here - it sounds like you've got a lifetime of pent-up anger aimed at your parents, particularly your dad. You want your son to have FOND memories and that's a great goal - and yet a haircut has you on the brink of ending the relationship between grandparents and grandson, as well as moving to the city, and/or changing your son's school. Sorry Redshift, that just sounds like you ought to be looking at the root cause of what's going on and it's not a haircut. People get wrapped up in issues because they aren't ready to deal with the underlying reason. I think AML-B's suggestion gives you a way out of the hole, but it sounds to me like you need to find a nice professional counselor/therapist who takes your bank's health insurance and work through those pretty horrible marks on your life before it seriously impacts the next generation - your son. There's nothing like a neutral party that's on your side (the therapist is on your side even when they hit the virtual gong and tell you you're being an idiot). I just don't think you're really fighting about a haircut - I think you're fighting about something else and a haircut is a good excuse not to work through the real mess. <MountainHawk steps off of soap box and calls her therapist....>

And yeah - DEFINITELY draw the line at plaid pants and Baby Doc Martens!

HMS - you are correct! I am not, for a second, denying that there is much more going on here than a haircut. There have been so many things, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now my parents aren't just attacking me. They are attacking my son and that is unacceptable. I agree that counseling is a good idea. Believe me, I have been to see many a Rent-a-Friend in my time. I may use AML's suggestion; I am just waiting to see if my son brings it up again. I had suggested something similar to him at the time but he was adamant that the cut be according to his specific terms (the boy knows what he wants). If he brings it up again, I may try to strike a compromise. I still don't see why I should have to, but I am not a hard-ass. I have been so flexible about so many things. I have let so many things go without an argument for the sake of keeping the peace. But I draw the line here. You can lambaste me, but don't you dare hurt my son. Redshift steps off *her* soapbox and calls HMS's therapist for a joint session

Wow, I guess I am not as understanding as most of you. I think Red's parent are Toxic. They are unaccepting of anything that is not "their way". To criticize the way their grandchild is raised because it isn't what they would do is cruel.

I personally don't think that it is a healthy relationship and I would keep my child away from them as much as possible. When my child was around them, I would make sure he knows that their behavior is not they way I want him to behave.
Pixie you said you thought they were acting out of love. I don't buy that. I think they are selfish and self centered.

As you probably can guess, I grew up with parents like these and until I stood firm and let them know that I really didn't care what they thought of my life, they made my life miserable. I could never please them. Now I don't try. If I do something for my mom it is because I want to, not because she shamed me into it.

I'm with GeoQueen here - all my life experience tells me that if someone who supposedly loves you refuses to be seen with you because they don't like your haircut or your clothes, there is something really unhealthy going on. Redshift isn't wrong to wish for her son's grandparents to give him unconditional love, especially as early as age six when all he's doing is getting a haircut they don't like! But deciding to cut a close relative out of your life, while sometimes necessary, is not a decision to make lightly. I don't have any answers, but I feel for your dilemna!

I'd start with MountainHawk's advice and see what happens. I agree that possibly Geo Queen's position may be correct, but without knowing the whole story, it is difficult to tell. An unbiased 3rd person will help to work to the bottom of it. It is possible that the parents are too controlling to have an overall positive effect on the child, and visits should be limited.

Good luck!

I am in a mixed marriage and have been with my husband since '93 as well as having a 5 year old son. I am Chinese and my husband is caucasian, his mother being Swedish (from Sweden). When we told her that we were going to have a child it took 3 years for her to stop calling him "The Abomination". Naturally, we COULD of stopped all contact with her. But after addressing this in marriage counciling, we decided to openly be around her at family functions. Instead of modeling to our son that family is something that you can just do away with (and he will want to distance himself from us some day), we show him that she is who she is and whenever she makes one of her "comments" my husband clearly states, "Too bad you think that, and too bad you made the decision to say that. Now it's time for us to go." We try to show our son that family is NOT a burden. No matter how much they may seem that way. It ties into having confidence that he can make the right choice of who to hang out with, what to look like, and what's the best way to tell someone you don't agree with them. Just some advice from a novice poster (even though you stated you didn't really need advice.).

The funny thing is that the mohawk is not exclusively "punk" anymore. Puff Daddy cut is hair in a mohawk to give himself strength when training for a marathon.

That's true. You also just reminded me that, among the Seneca tribes in the area where I grew up, it was once of the, er, traditional hair-styles.

What the heck does having a mohawk have to do with having strength to complete a marathon? That's just stupid, lol.