Ok, there have been a lot of posts recently about women's lack of sexual desire. Here is an opposite problem:

I'm in my early 40's and my husband is in his mid 30's. We have two children.

I have a healthy sex drive. He does not. He has no ED or low hormone problem or anything else physical. We have the same PCP and, against all HIPPA laws, the doc checked him out for me.

He says he is too tired and has too many other things to do - the house, job, kids, etc. Yes, we have talked about this openly and have even discussed in in counseling together. No luck. He does still love me and all that stuff.

I don't play games so I will not resort to the "get him jealous" ploy or anything else. And an affair is out of the question.

Right now, we are reduced to 3 or 4 times a year and only if I ask 2-3 days ahead of time and then initiate it. Needless to say, this takes the passion right out of it. "Is chicken ok for dinner tonight and can we have sex next weekend?"

So I want some honest feedback. I'm tired of being the initiator and I'm tired of resorting to alternate means of satisfaction. Those only cover the physical need anyway.

What do you think?

Post deleted by *pixiesprite*

Don't mean to offend, but is there something about you that he finds unattractive? Are you in shape, or overweight. Do you tell him you love him and that he is attractive to you? What does the counselor say? IF you've been, I can't believe a good counselor will allow you to walk out with your husband just saying "he still loves you and stuff..." What exactly is stuff? If he feels that he has to deal with the kids, house, job, etc., is that a fair statement? Are you sharing your load in the above?

I'm not aware of any man that thinks that 3-4 times year is anywhere near normal. If your husband thinks this is normal, then there is nothing you can do about it. If he agrees that this is not normal, then he needs to be honest with you about why or what about you is not charging his batteries. This sounds indicative of a bigger problem.

I know a woman who is in her 50's she has been married 25 years and loves her husband very much. However, he has the same problem and has for about 10 years. She has a "servicer" who helps out with her higher needs. Her husband is none the wiser and other than this one fault she apparently is a good wife and mom. Maybe, you are not up for that but if you discussed it openly with your husband he may allow more lieniancy(sp) in your case. Either that or the thought you were giving it consideration would motivate him.

As for how much it takes out of us, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. If your man is getting winded maybe a less strenuous position would suffice or maybe you could take more of an active position so to speak. As a nearly 30 year old I think 3-4 times a year may cause me to explode.

OK. I am going to play devil's advocate. Those of you that are stating you are having affairs and it has helped your marriage, when you got married you vowed to be true to your spouse in sickness and health, in good times and bad. I don't think anywhere in those vows does it say "unless you spouse has a problem getting sexually aroused".

How does having an affair help your marriage? How would your spouse really feel if he knew that? IMO, you can't have a loving marriage and still be having an affair.

Male input here:

Both my wife and I have struggled with interest issues over the years, and I have tried to research the matter. I've found through experience and reading that the saying is basically true, use it or lose it. Interest and activity are closely tied. The less intimacy you have with your spouse the less you will want it, and the harder it gets to actually accomplish anything when you are intimate. If you let it go too long it becomes very difficult to restore.

We've gone through a pretty dry spell recently due to basically being overworked and overstressed both at work and at home. Personally my thoughts started going along the track of feeling that it simply wasn't worth the effort anymore to try initiating something. Luckily this has turned around, mostly due to the efforts of my wife.

Solutions to this are not easy, psychology is complicated and I'm no degree holder. If he says he's too busy and tired to do anything, see what you can do to change that (hopefully without become too busy yourself). If he has nothing else to do, you might be able to rekindle his desires after a while.

Note: Men need romance too, not just women. Our culture expects that men provide the romance, make special meals, plan special dates, etc. Men (or at least some) have the same needs, whether they admit it or not.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this, I've experienced a lesser version of the same and it's not fun.

I am in my late 40's and my spouse is in his late 50's. He has physical problems and we haven't had sex in over two years and sleep in separate bedrooms. After 20 years of marriage, we love each other but have become more friends than romantic partners. Like the woman referred to above, I have a male partner who has similar marital problems as I do, and who takes care of my sexual and other needs. He brings joy to my life and keeps my marriage intact. Many won't understand, but it is a discreet, loving relationship that satisfies both our needs.

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What if your husband has also been having an affair all along? Would you also be tolerant of his actions?

So you're cheating on your husband is what you're saying? If you aren't compatible in that way then you should split before cheating. I'm sure you're partner is a great guy, but how hurt would your husband be if he found out? If you can hurt him and lie to him to that extent, then how much do you really love him? If your spouse isn't satisfying a need then get suck it up and get a divorce. There's plenty of single people out there and no need to hurt your spouse in the process!

Well, well, how did I know that this would turn into a chastisement thread?

I'm thinking of having an affair with Devil Queen. Her fork turns me on!!! I won't tell my wife, and I may not even tell DQ.

It would be a chastisement thread, but they are all anon's, so they don't matter. Everybody likes to judge and act high and mighty. But you have one saying "sickness and health" and the other saying "get a divorce".

To the judgmental Anon's answer this: for whatever reason you can't/won't fulfill your spouses sexual needs. What would you prefer they do about it? You are perfectly happy in this marriage except for this one fact, would you rather be left, or have your spouse satisfy that one need elsewhere?

Honestly, what is the point of this thread... talkin about our sex lifes... just sounds so crazy. What goes on behind closed doors SHOULD STAY behind closed doors....

What if you don't close your door?

I agree Czar. I actually thought this was the whole point of this room.

I know some people's "moral convictions" won't allow them to accept this thinking but the Bible belt won't fit around our overweight bellies anymore and the societal norms of our grandparents are a forgotten myth. No more Leave it to Beaver and the Cosbys it is Desparate Housewives and reality TV.

The chastisers are also assuming the other spouse would be upset. Perhaps they wouldn't care. I have known several people who have known their spouse was cheating and they were fine with the arrangement. Everyone is different.

And out of the whole population of people who have problems with intimacy, how many would be ok with their spouse cheating....very few i'd imagine.

Cheating is the cowards way out. If people think it's ok to cheat to keep high moral standards and not get a divorce, guess what cheating is just as wrong. Not to mention cheating can be worse on the cheatee than divorce. The cheater is just too afraid to confront the problem ultimately, whether the solution be simple, or whether it is divorce.

If you're gonna sleep around after marriage... meaning find a replacement for the spouse that is not puttin out... why get married.. why not just lead the lifestyle of sleepin around.. then you'd never have to worry about your sexual needs not being meet.

Anonymous #470837 here. I suspect that I am being lumped into the "chastiser" category and wanted to point out that I was asking a question in my post. I try very hard to keep an open mind, and only find myself intolerant of hypocrits.

I agree with the two anons.

Anon #470749 - He's nearly 60, cut the guy some slack...either that or get him some viagra for x-mas!

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how many would be ok with their spouse cheating....

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I think if the spouse knows about it and is okay with it, it wouldn't be called cheating. It's only cheating if no one knows.

And what about the swingers? Where the husband and wife may be in to swapping, etc? Again, if both spouses are okay, and it is done in private, who cares? It is none of our business.