The Straight Side of Brokeback Mountain

It's certainly one of the most favorably reviewed movies of the year, and surely a major player in the best picture race at the Oscars. But "Brokeback Mountain" isn't the easiest sell to audiences unaccustomed to films that deal so frankly with same-sex relationships: even at a recent media screening in Los Angeles' liberal Westside, some moviegoers broke into inappropriate (but no doubt tension-relieving) laughter at a scene in which the wife of taciturn cowboy Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) catches her husband in a passionate embrace with Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal).

Snip....... OscarBeat
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Will you be seeing this movie?

I figured out a tagline for the movie;

"See a cowboy mount his buddy and not his horse."

You know...I really do want to see this movie. I think it will be a very interesing movie adn hopefully will open people to some diversity.

Maybe they could remake the Lone Ranger where he and Tonto have a relationship -- now that would be diversity!

Think of the song Rhinestone Cowboy:

From Wyoming we've learned something new
About what their cowboys do When they say "Let's take a ride"...it's something disgusting


They have cute earrings in their ear...the meaning, of course, is clear. It's a sight to behold


Their startled horseys stand their viewing...cattle wonder what they're doing At night they know how to keep warm...they never get cold


A Wyoming cowboy...with a cute rainbow flag and a nice little lacy shirt A Wyoming cowboy...if there is no bunkhouse, he'll roll around in the dirt

Be careful, the cacti can hurt
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Gay cowboys? No thanks.



They are very much unlike John Wayne
Their saddles sometimes cause pain
You often can see them sit on their fluffy pillow


When they're breaking for lunch at noon...the radio plays show tunes
Gigi never gets old


Their startled horseys stand their viewing...cattle wonder what they're doing
At night they know how to keep warm...they never get cold


A Wyoming cowboy...with a cute rainbow flag and a nice little lacy shirt
A Wyoming cowboy...if there is no bunkhouse, he'll roll around in the dirt
Be careful, the cacti can hurt


A Wyoming cowboy...with a cute rainbow flag and a nice little lacy shirt
A Wyoming cowboy...if there is no bunkhouse, he'll roll around in the dirt
Be careful, the cacti can hurt
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Will Brokeback Mountain II be the story about how they move to New York City and one of them becomes the Naked Cowboy singing in the streets and the other joins the Village People?

Probably won't see this movie because 1) there are so many others I want to see and just don't have the time 2) never liked cowboy movies/westerns all that much and 3) not into same sex relationships. In that order.

Rollin, rollin rollin
Get those homos rollin
Spank my a$$ this mo'nin, rawhide!

The devil made me do it!

Most of the women I know in the entertainment press cannot stop raving to me about "Brokeback Mountain."

"It's so sensitive," one said. "I cried," several others have said.

So far, no straight men have reported back about the movie. But gay friends, of course, love it, love it, love it. It's won both the New York and Los Angeles film-critics associations' prizes, and now has seven Golden Globe nominations as well.

Of course, all of this has played out so far only on the coasts. Will "Brokeback" make it into the suburbs and up into the hills? Will Memphis, Oklahoma City, Hartford and Pittsburgh embrace it as enthusiastically? How about Larchmont, Grosse Point, Scottsdale and River Oaks? We won't know until Jan. 8, when "Brokeback" goes for broke in wide release.

Gay Grrr! Guy Wins Pulitzer

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

By Mike Straka

With all the hype surrounding the "gay cowboy" flick "Brokeback Mountain," I've come to the conclusion that the only way for me to get noticed by the elite media is to be gay.

So, I'm gay.

In addition (I originally wrote "on top of that" but thought better of it), I'm also a recovering crack addict and am wheelchair bound after a drug and alcohol induced motorcycle crash that left me paralyzed from the waist down.

It's only a matter of time now before the Pulitzer Prize and The Webby's committee take notice of The Grrr! Column and send me the award for my "insightful and inspirational pop-culture rants."

Plus, The Weinstein Company will offer me big bucks for my story so that it can be adapted into an arthouse movie by "Angels in America" scribe Tony Kushner and directed by none other than "Angst" Lee.

After all, who better to direct the story of an American paraplegic/closeted gay columnist with a frustrated but gorgeous wife and a strapping lover on the side than a filmmaker from Taiwan?

Although my agent told me that Sam Mendes of "American Beauty" fame was a close runner-up for the director gig, he refused to lower his fee to meet the Weinsteins' budget.

Of course, Joaquin Phoenix will play me, and Reese Witherspoon my tortured and sexually frustrated but extremely loyal wife who bathes me and feeds me every day. Surely she'll win an Oscar for the portrayal of her strong liberal woman who understands that being gay is a tortuous calling that trumps her needs.

However, in the best supporting actor category, Brad Pitt is a shoo-in for playing my equally loyal yet equally frustrated gay lover. The critics will praise him for playing against type by kissing Phoenix full on the mouth. He'll do promotion for the film with Angelina Jolie by his side just to remind folks that he is as straight as they come.

Phoenix will not even be nominated because he refuses to kiss up to the Academy, since he knows that Hollywood is such horse-poo that even Paris Hilton gets roles.

The pitch to The Weinstein Company was pretty simple: It's "My Left Foot" meets "Wild Things" meets "Shakespeare in Love" meets "Walk the Line" — the latter being a nod to Lee's inspired yet unoriginal casting of Phoenix and Witherspoon.

But just when you thought that being gay, paralyzed, married to Reese Witherspoon and openly seeing Brad Pitt was enough to garner all the critical praise that Hollywood and The New York Times and Ebert and Roeper could offer, there's a twist.

I also shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

Now I'm scheduled to be executed by lethal injection. This will of course bring on the Nobel Peace Prize committee, since my "insightful and inspirational column" is surefire proof that I am completely rehabilitated and have atoned for my crime, sparking a nationwide debate on the death penalty.

From death row I write about my visits from "Dead Man Walking" star Susan Sarandon — who only used me for inspiration for her sympathetic nun character, by the way. But I was happy to oblige, although I would have liked a little "Special Thanks To" credit at the end of the film, but oh well.

"Bitter, table for one."

Speaking of bitter, Graydon Carter from Vanity Fair said my column stinks, but what does he know anyway? He kisses more butts than I do, and he's straight! But I digress.

In case you're wondering, here's how the story ends.

I get clemency and am released from prison. Witherspoon refuses to leave my side and grows old with me, but Pitt leaves me for someone who not only can walk, but can carry off a cowboy hat — someone like Jon Voight in "Midnight Cowboy," and he figured he should keep it all in the family -- and since Jolie kissed her brother full on the mouth at The Academy Awards a few years ago, it's all good with her.

I get my own daytime talk show with Omarosa from "The Apprentice: Season One" as my sidekick, and together we are lauded by the critics and dethrone Oprah Winfrey from daytime's elite talk-show shelf.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association honors me by asking me to host the Golden Globes, where Jack Nicholson — after a few drinks — kisses me on the cheek and grabs my butt as he grins — Joker style — at the star-studded crowd who can barely stay in their chairs, they're laughing so hard.

That Jack is just too cool.

Vanity Fair invites me to their famed Oscar after-party and editor-in-chief Graydon Carter apologizes to me — publicly, mind you — making me the toast of Hollywood.

Oh, and thanks to Dupont, I get artificial legs that help me play myself before the motorcycle crash in a CBS TV miniseries based on the Angst Lee movie about me.

Thanks, America!

The most awarded movie of the new season (so far) is Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain," in which two cowboys make John Wayne spin in his grave by falling in love and having sex.

The likely Best Actress winner, and certain nominee? Felicity Huffman as a pre-operative transsexual in "Transamerica."

The likely Best Actor winner, and certain nominee? Philip Seymour Hoffman as writer Truman Capote, who devoured young men as appetizers.

I'm not sure the title is that good, what about "Fags on Nags"? You know, one reviewer stated that it is "a rectum-load of joy." I'm not really sure what that means.

Makes you wish you could delete other peoples' posts.
Sigh...

Yes, some of the posts above my post - I don't understand.

X,

The things you don't understand, I would imagine, are quite extensive in number.

I was being humorous, Buckwheat.

Easy, Tiger!

(I just wanted to say that. Love the avatar!)

Well, I, for one, think you are hilarious X.

You touch me one more time - you are history.

I thought X's comment was funny, inappropriate, but funny.

So I dug this up from like 9 pages back. Did anyone go see it?

No. It ran three days at our local theater and then disappeared.

I predict this movie will be all but forgotten in less than five years. Kind of like "Born on the Fourth of July" or "JFK" or "Alexander." It's just the effort of some people trying too hard to make an "important" film.