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#482915 - 01/13/06 05:15 PM Friday Silliness
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The AfterLife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary . Mary. ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
_____

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT

THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY

Friday January 20th, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays - Step by Step, with Slide Presentation

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? - Group Practice

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 p.m. for 2 hours

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor - Pictures and Explanatory Graphics

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 p.m. for 3 weeks

Class 5

After Dinner Dishes - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 6

Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other

Help Line Support and Support Groups

Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 p.m.

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places

And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming

Open Forum

Monday at 8:00 p.m. 2 hours

Class 8

Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health

Graphics and Audio Tapes

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost - Real Life Testimonials

Tuesdays at 6:00 p.m. Location to be determined

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations

4 weeks, Saturdays Noon, 2 hours

Class 11

Learning To Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife

Online Classes and Role-Playing

Tuesdays at 7:00 p.m., Location to be determined

Class 12

How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries

and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered

Three Nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours

Class 14

The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used

Live Demonstration

Tuesdays at 6:00 p.m., Location to be determined



Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors

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#482916 - 01/13/06 05:39 PM Re: Friday Silliness
The Incredible ComplyGuy Offline
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The Incredible ComplyGuy
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,350
The he11 of suburbia
Good one X. Classes 2, 4, 5, & 7 would also be useful for my teenage daughters.

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#482917 - 01/13/06 05:54 PM Re: Friday Silliness
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Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the
golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and
whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer
also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks
the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to
get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and
whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side
and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your
sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't
know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no
sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley.

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#482918 - 01/13/06 05:57 PM Re: Friday Silliness
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Posts: 7,332
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A Guy's Guide To Life

1. Old people always have exact change.

2. Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."

3. Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds.

4. Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.

5. In movies Italians can play Jews and Jews can play Italians, but neither can play Lutherans.

6. No talking at the urinal.

7. White cars look good only on Fantasy Island.

8. Lesbians make the best breakfast.

9. No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, "Yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic.

10. Never trust a man with pictures of balloons on his checks.

11. Women named after a month of the year are usually frisky.

12. The sniffing of one's finger is a pleasure best indulged discreetly.

13. Inviting others to sniff one's finger: more discreetly still.

14. Stewardesses from Third World airlines are much more attractive than those of developed countries.

15. Never play cards with a man who wears a visor.

16. The dumber the man, the louder he talks.

17. Born-again Christians have the most meticulously parted hair.

18. Unless you are a Pilgrim, large shoe buckles are to be avoided.

19. A man should avoid using the phrase "assume the position" on the first date.

20. The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so.

21. Seat belts do wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields.

22. The fatter the man the smaller the swimsuit.

23. The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.

24. Walking into Staples and shouting, "Hey, where are the staples?" isn't funny.

25. Pennies are inappropriate at strip clubs.

26. Dogs with bandanas around their necks are not pleased with the accessory.

27. Captain Crunch should be Admiral Crunch by now.

28. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.

29. There's a special circle in [censored] reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.

30. A gentleman never considers sexual activity until the dog has been sent to another room.

31. Pretending to get all confused in the elevator and pressing her nipple instead of a floor button will not get you laid.

32. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you are looking at their breasts.

33. People who begin sentences by saying "With all due respect," are in fact preparing to impart loads of disrespect.

34. Never trust a man who knows all the dance steps to "Bye, bye, bye."

35. There's no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail.

36. People who live in glass houses watch 65 percent less porn.

37. The lower a waiter bends down when introducing himself, the less the should be trusted.

38. A tattoo of a teardrop is not a sign of sensitivity.

39. The best villains have accents and walk slowly.

40. The wackier a doctor's neckties, the less prestigious his medical school.

41. The allure of strip clubs drops dramatically when your girlfriend works in one.

42. When you die, they will find your porn.

43. Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is.

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#482919 - 01/13/06 06:06 PM Re: Friday Silliness
slubgob Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 800
Quote:

23. The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.




very true.

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#482920 - 01/13/06 06:08 PM Re: Friday Silliness
slick Offline
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slick
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,030
somewhere out there
So Slub, what do you think of mine?
_________________________
it ain't over til it's over...

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#482921 - 01/13/06 06:11 PM Re: Friday Silliness
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160... before the reality of the situation hit him.

'What the [censored] am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'

The guy thinks for a second and says: "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend." said the officer.
______

WHAT 2007 CAR SHOULD YOU DRIVE?

My case:
You Should Drive a Ford Shelby Mustang Cobra

You have an extreme need for speed, even when you're not in a hurry.

And while your flying by, you don't want to look like every other car on the road!

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#482922 - 01/13/06 06:18 PM Re: Friday Silliness
MStateFan Offline
100 Club
MStateFan
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 176
Mississippi
Here's my quiz result - not sure how true it is, but I like it!

***You Should Drive a Saturn Sky***

You're sleek and smooth, and you need a car to match your hot persona.
Besides, sometimes you want your top up - and sometimes you want it down.

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#482923 - 01/13/06 06:21 PM Re: Friday Silliness
VioletRose Offline
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VioletRose
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 195
Land Of The Lost
"Bentley Azure" Man.. I would look good in that.

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#482924 - 01/13/06 06:26 PM Re: Friday Silliness
slubgob Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 800
Quote:

So Slub, what do you think of mine?




I believe that is what i was referring to.

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#482925 - 01/13/06 06:32 PM Re: Friday Silliness
Clown Boy Offline
Power Poster
Clown Boy
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,934
here and there
Toyota FJ Cruiser - never heard of it, but the picture looks cool...
_________________________
I am the ringmaster of my domain!

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#482926 - 01/13/06 06:56 PM Re: Friday Silliness
Bengals Fan Offline
Power Poster
Bengals Fan
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,990
Cincinnati, OH
***You Should Drive a Jaguar XK 4.2***


You don't care how you get there as long as you get there with class.
And having a little power doesn't hurt either!

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#482927 - 01/13/06 06:56 PM Re: Friday Silliness
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Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
Are You Sexy?
Take Our Quiz!

Chances are if you need to take a quiz you're not, but you may surprise yourself!

Answer true or false to the following:

Even if your husband accidentally brushes up against you in the grocery store you feign sleep.

When watching an adult film you keep commenting on the plot.

Your consider the underpants that still have the elastic as your good lingerie.

You take a "romantic getaway" literally and leave your spouse at home.

Your idea of foreplay involves bargaining over household chores.

Your "come hither" look is reserved for cheesecake.

After making love you often say "that ought to hold you for a while."

Your partner arrives home with strawberries and cream. He suggests you eat them in bed. You thank him and ask him what he's going to do while you're gone.

You keep getting The Tunnel of Love mixed up with Love Canal.

The women at work have hired a stripper to perform at co-worker's bridal shower and you are excited at the thought of pink finger sandwiches.

Sex comes seventh on your to-do list after "take down the Christmas lights".

If you answered true to any of the above questions, your love life needs a jump start!

Try arranging romantic interludes with your partner. Arrange a date night and treat yourself to some sexy new lingerie.

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#482928 - 01/13/06 07:11 PM Re: Friday Silliness
slick Offline
Power Poster
slick
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,030
somewhere out there
Quote:

Quote:

So Slub, what do you think of mine?




I believe that is what i was referring to.




I know, you mean you don't like the Rocky theme? I think it is great!
_________________________
it ain't over til it's over...

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#482929 - 01/13/06 07:14 PM Re: Friday Silliness
slubgob Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 800
It was more the insane laughing when you get a text message that i was thinking of

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#482930 - 01/13/06 07:16 PM Re: Friday Silliness
slick Offline
Power Poster
slick
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,030
somewhere out there
You Should Drive a Jaguar XK 4.2

You don't care how you get there as long as you get there with class.
And having a little power doesn't hurt either!
_________________________
it ain't over til it's over...

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#482931 - 01/13/06 07:17 PM Re: Friday Silliness
Anonymous
Unregistered

Just don't expect it to last you very long. Get a BMW 3 series. Class, power AND reliability.

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#482932 - 01/13/06 07:19 PM Re: Friday Silliness
slick Offline
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slick
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,030
somewhere out there
Quote:

It was more the insane laughing when you get a text message that i was thinking of



Oh you mean you don't like that? It just sounds like Chucky or something.
_________________________
it ain't over til it's over...

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#482933 - 01/13/06 07:37 PM Re: Friday Silliness
The Incredible ComplyGuy Offline
Power Poster
The Incredible ComplyGuy
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,350
The he11 of suburbia
Quote:

Here's my quiz result - not sure how true it is, but I like it!

***You Should Drive a Saturn Sky***

You're sleek and smooth, and you need a car to match your hot persona.
Besides, sometimes you want your top up - and sometimes you want it down.




This was mine too. (and by the way, sometimes you just want the top off -- hers that is )

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#482934 - 01/13/06 08:07 PM Re: Friday Silliness
MStateFan Offline
100 Club
MStateFan
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 176
Mississippi
ComplyGuy, that sounds like something my husband would say - he can make anything sound like a sexual reference! I didn't see that one coming at all. Too funny . . .

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#482935 - 01/13/06 08:09 PM Re: Friday Silliness
The Incredible ComplyGuy Offline
Power Poster
The Incredible ComplyGuy
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,350
The he11 of suburbia
Quote:

Quote:

It was more the insane laughing when you get a text message that i was thinking of



Oh you mean you don't like that? It just sounds like Chucky or something.




That sounds hilarious (but then my ringtone is the Stooges saying "Hello, Hello, Hello")

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#482936 - 01/13/06 08:18 PM Re: Friday Silliness
homestar Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 2,245
US of A
Quote:

WHAT 2007 CAR SHOULD YOU DRIVE?




Jaguar XK 4.2
_________________________
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you." ~ Oscar Wilde

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#482937 - 01/13/06 08:40 PM Re: Friday Silliness
BotV#6 Offline
Power Poster
BotV#6
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 2,541
Anywhere I want to be
***You Should Drive a Toyota FJ Cruiser***


A true adventurer, you're always up for trying the latest new thing.
And you need a car that will take you anywhere, because there are no roads where you're going!

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#482938 - 01/13/06 08:46 PM Re: Friday Silliness
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
I am with Homestar:

"You Should Drive a Jaguar XK 4.2

You don't care how you get there as long as you get there with class.
And having a little power doesn't hurt either!"
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#482939 - 01/13/06 09:11 PM Re: Friday Silliness
zaibatsu Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,153
Ford Explorer Sportrac - Tough and supercharged, you have some rather extreme driving practices. You've been known to intimidate a few drivers. You rule the road.
_________________________
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city

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