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#482915 - 01/13/06 05:15 PM
Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
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The AfterLife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary . Mary. ."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona." _____
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
Friday January 20th, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays - Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? - Group Practice
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 p.m. for 2 hours
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor - Pictures and Explanatory Graphics
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 p.m. for 3 weeks
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other
Help Line Support and Support Groups
Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 p.m.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 p.m. 2 hours
Class 8
Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost - Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 p.m. Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations
4 weeks, Saturdays Noon, 2 hours
Class 11
Learning To Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife
Online Classes and Role-Playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 p.m., Location to be determined
Class 12
How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered
Three Nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours
Class 14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used
Live Demonstration
Tuesdays at 6:00 p.m., Location to be determined
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors
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#482917 - 01/13/06 05:54 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley.
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#482918 - 01/13/06 05:57 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
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A Guy's Guide To Life
1. Old people always have exact change.
2. Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
3. Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds.
4. Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
5. In movies Italians can play Jews and Jews can play Italians, but neither can play Lutherans.
6. No talking at the urinal.
7. White cars look good only on Fantasy Island.
8. Lesbians make the best breakfast.
9. No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, "Yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic.
10. Never trust a man with pictures of balloons on his checks.
11. Women named after a month of the year are usually frisky.
12. The sniffing of one's finger is a pleasure best indulged discreetly.
13. Inviting others to sniff one's finger: more discreetly still.
14. Stewardesses from Third World airlines are much more attractive than those of developed countries.
15. Never play cards with a man who wears a visor.
16. The dumber the man, the louder he talks.
17. Born-again Christians have the most meticulously parted hair.
18. Unless you are a Pilgrim, large shoe buckles are to be avoided.
19. A man should avoid using the phrase "assume the position" on the first date.
20. The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so.
21. Seat belts do wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields.
22. The fatter the man the smaller the swimsuit.
23. The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
24. Walking into Staples and shouting, "Hey, where are the staples?" isn't funny.
25. Pennies are inappropriate at strip clubs.
26. Dogs with bandanas around their necks are not pleased with the accessory.
27. Captain Crunch should be Admiral Crunch by now.
28. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.
29. There's a special circle in [censored] reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.
30. A gentleman never considers sexual activity until the dog has been sent to another room.
31. Pretending to get all confused in the elevator and pressing her nipple instead of a floor button will not get you laid.
32. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you are looking at their breasts.
33. People who begin sentences by saying "With all due respect," are in fact preparing to impart loads of disrespect.
34. Never trust a man who knows all the dance steps to "Bye, bye, bye."
35. There's no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail.
36. People who live in glass houses watch 65 percent less porn.
37. The lower a waiter bends down when introducing himself, the less the should be trusted.
38. A tattoo of a teardrop is not a sign of sensitivity.
39. The best villains have accents and walk slowly.
40. The wackier a doctor's neckties, the less prestigious his medical school.
41. The allure of strip clubs drops dramatically when your girlfriend works in one.
42. When you die, they will find your porn.
43. Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is.
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#482919 - 01/13/06 06:06 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 800
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Quote:
23. The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
very true.
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#482921 - 01/13/06 06:11 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. 'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160... before the reality of the situation hit him. 'What the [censored] am I doing?' he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. 'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.' The guy thinks for a second and says: "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend." said the officer. ______ WHAT 2007 CAR SHOULD YOU DRIVE?My case: You Should Drive a Ford Shelby Mustang Cobra You have an extreme need for speed, even when you're not in a hurry. And while your flying by, you don't want to look like every other car on the road!
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#482924 - 01/13/06 06:26 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 800
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Quote:
So Slub, what do you think of mine?
I believe that is what i was referring to.
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#482925 - 01/13/06 06:32 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,934
here and there
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Toyota FJ Cruiser - never heard of it, but the picture looks cool...
_________________________
I am the ringmaster of my domain!
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#482930 - 01/13/06 07:16 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,030
somewhere out there
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You Should Drive a Jaguar XK 4.2
You don't care how you get there as long as you get there with class. And having a little power doesn't hurt either!
_________________________
it ain't over til it's over...
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#482931 - 01/13/06 07:17 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Just don't expect it to last you very long. Get a BMW 3 series. Class, power AND reliability.
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#482933 - 01/13/06 07:37 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,350
The he11 of suburbia
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Quote:
Here's my quiz result - not sure how true it is, but I like it!
***You Should Drive a Saturn Sky***
You're sleek and smooth, and you need a car to match your hot persona. Besides, sometimes you want your top up - and sometimes you want it down.
This was mine too. (and by the way, sometimes you just want the top off -- hers that is )
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#482935 - 01/13/06 08:09 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,350
The he11 of suburbia
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Quote:
Quote:
It was more the insane laughing when you get a text message that i was thinking of
Oh you mean you don't like that? It just sounds like Chucky or something.
That sounds hilarious (but then my ringtone is the Stooges saying "Hello, Hello, Hello")
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#482936 - 01/13/06 08:18 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 2,245
US of A
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Quote:
WHAT 2007 CAR SHOULD YOU DRIVE?
Jaguar XK 4.2
_________________________
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you." ~ Oscar Wilde
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#482938 - 01/13/06 08:46 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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10K Club
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
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I am with Homestar:
"You Should Drive a Jaguar XK 4.2 You don't care how you get there as long as you get there with class. And having a little power doesn't hurt either!"
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
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#482939 - 01/13/06 09:11 PM
Re: Friday Silliness
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Power Poster
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,153
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Ford Explorer Sportrac - Tough and supercharged, you have some rather extreme driving practices. You've been known to intimidate a few drivers. You rule the road.
_________________________
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city
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