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#503569 - 03/10/06 11:10 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Czargazer Offline
Gold Star
Czargazer
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 298
Pacific Northwest
Honest, I don't mean to brag...

Life Rating: Overall - 8.7
Highest: Love - 10
Lowest: Friends - 6.5
_________________________
Everyone has to make a living, mine just happens to involve thumbscrews.

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Chat! - BOL Watercooler
#503570 - 03/11/06 04:16 AM Re: Monkey Quiz...
ThePaul Offline
Diamond Poster
ThePaul
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,374
Dallas, TX
Rate my life quiz results:
Mind: 7.2
Body: 9
Spirit: 6.4
Friends/family: 6.2
Love: 2.1
Finance: 7.9
LIFE: 7.8
If I could just raise that love score I'd have a pretty decent avg
_________________________
A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

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#503571 - 03/11/06 09:14 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
Quote:

Go here to see if you can keep the tennis ball in the air. My highest score: 5




17 for me!

(maybe 'cause I was a tennis player back in my younger days?)

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#503572 - 03/11/06 09:23 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
Quote:

Take the "Rate My Life Quiz"




My life rating = 6.5

Highest: Finance 8.4 (can't figure out how the h e l l THAT happened!)
Lowest: Love 2.1 (yikes!)

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#503573 - 03/12/06 07:58 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
Quote:

Honest, I don't mean to brag...

Life Rating: Overall - 8.7
Highest: Love - 10
Lowest: Friends - 6.5




Czar...you got it goin' on! What's your secret?

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#503574 - 03/13/06 06:11 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Czargazer Offline
Gold Star
Czargazer
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 298
Pacific Northwest
Quote:

Czar...you got it goin' on! What's your secret?




Best I can offer is persistance and devotion. I may not have a lot of friends, but they're good ones. Neither my wife or I are perfect, but we're devoted to each other and to one life together. It also helps that both my family and my wife's family are relatively nearby, rather close knit and supportive.

I must admit I'm quite lucky to have family as good as mine.
_________________________
Everyone has to make a living, mine just happens to involve thumbscrews.

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#503575 - 03/13/06 11:15 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
X Offline
Power Poster
X
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
Subject: ILLINOIS]

Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Illinois.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Illinois.

If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Illinois.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Illinois.

If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Illinois.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Illinois.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Illinois.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN:

1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them.

9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, & It's Hot.

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

13. Down south means Missouri to you.

14. A brat is something you eat.

15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.

17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".

19. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Illinois friends. (What's not to understand)

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#503576 - 03/14/06 03:24 AM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Anonymous
Unregistered

Quote:

Quote:

Go here to see if you can keep the tennis ball in the air. My highest score: 5




17 for me!




Shockingly, I managed 32 on my first shot! Must be on a roll in this thread.

--Czargazer

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#503577 - 03/14/06 05:58 AM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
rainman Offline
Power Poster
rainman
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 3,081
35!!
_________________________
Nobody's perfect, not even a perfect stranger.

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#503578 - 03/14/06 06:33 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Spivol Offline
Power Poster
Spivol
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 3,050
Tulsa, Ok
You know how hard this is with a laptop?
_________________________
It takes a long time but God dies too, but not before he'll stick it to you. - Issac Brock

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#503579 - 03/14/06 07:16 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
Quote:

You know how hard this is with a laptop?




Yikes! I'd never be able to do it without my mouse!

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#503580 - 03/14/06 08:37 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
X Offline
Power Poster
X
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."
--Benjamin Franklin.


What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
About 3 1/2, but you need to slice them pretty thin.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories...

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Do you know how to save a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."


What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
You can learn to respect a pig.

Changing lawyers is like changing decks on the Titanic.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think they are funny, and most people don't understand that they're just jokes!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven bankrupt.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
People cry when they slice up an onion.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

True Courtroom Dialog:
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive never the less?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got first pick .

Judge to defendant: "Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?"
Defendant: "No, Your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar."


What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.


If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?
A law firm.


What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

Why are lawyers safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. Because no one would ever build a robot to do nothing.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.




The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?" Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

What's the problem when a lawyer is buried up to his waist in sand?
You've run out of sand.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.


Jane: My dad can do anything, he's a genius!
Mark: My dad will do anything, he's a lawyer.

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they're boring.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.


What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.



Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys rifles were too far away to do them any good. Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other. "Because I can run faster without them," replied the first. "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said. The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!"

What is the definition of a shame (as in "gee, that's a shame")?
When a tour bus full of lawyers goes over a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat on the bus.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and a lawyer in a room. You are given a pistol with two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Lawyer --------Twice.



A man goes into an antique store. After looking at most of the articles for sale he spots a beautiful bronze sculpture of a rat. The man is enthralled by the rat and takes it up to the owner to buy it. "How much for the rat?" he asks the proprietor.
"Ten bucks for the rat and a thousand bucks for the story" says the owner.
"Keep the story, I'll just take the rat" says the guy, who then pays the owner and walks outside with the rat under his arm.
Almost immediately a handful of rats fall in line behind the man and his purchase. The further the man walks, the more rats that congregate behind him. Eventually there are so many rats that the man becomes afraid and runs down to the river that cuts through the town.
At the edge of the river, with all the rats in town squealing and milling around him, he throws the bronze rat as far out into the river as he can. Without hesitation all the rats in town jump into the river to follow the bronze rat as it sinks to the bottom -- and all of the rats drown.
After recovering from the ordeal, the man makes his way back to the antique store.
"Aha!" says the store owner. "You came back for the story about the rat."
"Nope," says the man. "I was just wondering if you had a bronze lawyer"

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#503581 - 03/14/06 09:56 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
X Offline
Power Poster
X
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
West Texas Cowboy:
A west (President Bush) Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."
_____

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter ! and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

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#503582 - 03/15/06 05:48 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
X Offline
Power Poster
X
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
The following information is from credible intelligence sources on the latest viruses sweeping across our nation's information superhighway, so take extreme caution and be on high virus alert at all times!

THE GEORGE W BUSH VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction

THE JOHN KERRY VIRUS - Reverses every position each time you turn your computer on

THE AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep counting, recounting, recounting ... ad nauseam

THE BILL CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a permanent hard drive, with no memory

THE BOB DOLE VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

THE LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did).

THE RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

THE JESSE JACKSON VIRUS - Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all

THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes

THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200

THE JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files

THE PROZAC VIRUS - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

THE MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS - Attacks only minor files

THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows

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#503583 - 03/15/06 05:52 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
DeeQ Offline
10K Club
DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,765
Turnpike Exit 10
As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's
called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and
found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could
be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the
wrong way.
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#503584 - 03/15/06 07:10 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Big Dog Offline
Power Poster
Big Dog
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,659
Kennel
LOL DQ
_________________________
CAMS, AMLP, AKC, K-9






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#503585 - 03/15/06 10:49 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
X Offline
Power Poster
X
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
A woman in her forties was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and said,

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with
you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 46 year old a##?"

"Your name never came up," she replied

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#503586 - 03/16/06 02:57 AM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
Quote:

A woman in her forties was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and said,

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with
you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 46 year old a##?"

"Your name never came up," she replied




Good one!

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#503587 - 03/16/06 06:44 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
X Offline
Power Poster
X
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
Thanks, biscuitbutt.


Go here to see the Blue Ball Machine! Someone spent a lot of time on this Gif file.

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#503588 - 03/16/06 06:46 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
Yep...the "blue balls" link was posted on another thread. Pretty cool!

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#503589 - 03/17/06 06:37 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
X Offline
Power Poster
X
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
WOOHOO
TOP 40 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A HARLEY RIDER SAY:

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for a thousand, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Hey, Peaches? I think we should sell the pickup and buy a minivan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a martini.

35. We don't keep no firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Hey, Peaches? Did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and whole wheat toast instead of the biscuits and gravy.

25. Listen, Peaches. I love animals too, but we just don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a damn about NASCAR? Let's watch soccer!

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Nope. Im going to have to say quits after this new ink. Ten tattoos is enough for any man.

21. Smoking is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at K-Mart today.

19. I wonder if I can get some quieter pipes?

18. Hand me that metric wrench there.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. "That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind."

15. I've got it all on the C: drive.

14. Light beer just tastes better.

13. Sturgis is too far to ride to.

12. Brass knuckles and chains are for sissies. I prefer kung-fu!

11. Hustler? No, I subscribe to National Geographic.

10. I shaved my beard.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. Do these leather chaps make my ass look too big?

4. I'd like to open this annual meeting of the International Neurosurgery Association with a poem written by Robert Frost ...

3. Im thinking of going back to school.

2. Those shorts really ought to be a little longer there, Peaches. I mean, [censored], your ass is showing when you ride behind me.

... and the number one thing you will never hear a Harley owner say:

1. No more for me. I'm ridin'!

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#503590 - 03/17/06 07:41 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Sunshine_101 Offline
100 Club
Sunshine_101
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 127
Quote:

Take the "Rate My Life Quiz"




My scores
life=6.1
mind=4.9
body=7.3
spirit=5.6
friends/family=5.3
love=9.1
finance=8.8
_________________________
The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent my employers opinions.

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#503591 - 03/21/06 10:40 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
Search_Me Offline
Power Poster
Search_Me
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 8,433
In my Strappy Heeled Sandals!
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
_________________________
She who dies with the most shoes WINS! grin

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#503592 - 03/21/06 10:50 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
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Posts: 7,332
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Why Am I Tired?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. . .The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
______

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

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#503593 - 03/22/06 05:54 PM Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the [censored] out."
_____

Horse walks in a bar.

Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
_____

Reading habits...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like theirs
statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country
and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but
need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that
they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal
aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are
not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.
_____

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
_____

Irishman is lying on his deathbed. Priest is called for absolution.

Priest says, "Do you forsake the devil, Seamus?"

"No.", says Seamus.

"Why won't you forsake the devil, man?", asks the priest.

"Because", replied Seamus, "in me present situation, I can't afford to make any enemies."
_____

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern, small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife! Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a$$es in jail."
_____

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