WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Wed., Feb. 1, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:! 00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Questions that have Confused humankind!

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
_____

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Wed., Feb. 1, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:! 00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for banker brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is banker brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many bankers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

My Wife Left Me......

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big
drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery
shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.. I said,
"Wait a minute, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "[censored], that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.
____

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
_____

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy
a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on
you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oileverywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide
to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new
garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in
backyard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
back yard,alongwith drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids'
sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug
in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required
to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during
steps 23 - 43 .
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

What was your last day here, X?

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, " Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!"

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious ! excitemnt.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you're a liberal democrat."

HA!!!!

Thanks X!

Weird...it's like X's greatest hits or something.

Don’t Mess With Old Ladies!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don’t Mess With Old Ladies!

April 28, 2006

Berkeley, California

This week's three dollar-a-gallon gasoline forced us to get rid of Scooter's old gas-hog Ford Taurus for something more efficient. All our friends and many Hollywood celebrities are driving Toyota Priuses now, so that's what Scooter wanted. He's very ecologically sensitive and had been wanting some "earth-friendly" wheels for a long time. After selling some items for Pepe recently, he finally had enough cash for a down payment on a good used car.

While sampling Pepe's latest, we went online and carefully researched prices on used Priuses and the trade-in value of the Taurus. It looked as if Scooter should be able to buy a couple-year-old Prius for around $20,000 and get approximately $1,200 for his Ford. After college Scooter sold cars so he knew all the inside tricks. He instructed me to "keep quiet and watch the master." I was thinking the only thing Scooter's probably ever been master of is "bating," if you catch my drift. Anyway, after several more bong hits, we headed out to seek our automotive prey.

At our first stop, "Ben Dover's Here's Your Car" used cars, we didn't meet Ben, but were greeted by a fat guy named Tony who wore a shiny suit and lots of jewelry, including a massive diamond Rolex that appeared to be turning his wrist black. After Scooter told him what we were looking for, Tony said he had exactly what we needed, and walked us over to a hulking, green 1995 Chevy Suburban with big tires and no rear bumper. Before Scooter could say a word, Tony said, "Look, a Prius is worth about 20K and that's what you'd pay. Now follow me, Scoots. This cream puff is worth the same 20K but I'm giving it to you for 15. You see what just happened? You just got FIVE THOUSAND bucks for gasoline that you'd never have if you bought that little crapbox-deathtrap-Toyota. Now look Skeeter, here's the clincher: I'll give you THREE GRAND for your junky Taurus, which is easily two more than that scab-on-wheels is worth and BADA BING, there's TWO GRAND MORE for gas! Did you hear what I just said? Now you got over SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS gas money! WHOA! You better sit down now because I'm ready to ice this cake, Scrotum buddy. Because I LIKE you, I'm throwing in another THOUSAND DOLLAR discount OUT OF MY OWN POCKET! I can't believe I just offered you that! This could cost me my job because all of a sudden I'm not only giving away the most beautiful car on the lot, but also BUYING ALL YOUR FRIGGIN GAS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!" I looked at Scooter, he was mesmerized.

Riding home in the Suburban I tried to figure out exactly what had transpired. Somehow Scooter ended up buying the truck for $22,900 plus tax after they added the paint sealant, fabric protectant, undercoating, and rear bumper Tony sold him. They gave Scooter $800 for the Taurus, but only after he got into a big shouting match with Tony's boss who claimed it was only worth $400 since the windshield wipers had dry-rot and the left turn signal didn't work. Scooter seemed satisfied with the weekly payment but I wasn't so sure it was such a great deal.

We stopped for gas and it cost $96.23 to fill the tank. Scooter cried.
______

CowDems

A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Democratic Party of Virginia," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about cows....... Now give me back my dog."

English may be a grand language, but sometimes you need to draw on another language to find the absolute perfect word to describe a situation. This list of 10 words is proof positive.

They were assembled by former BBC quiz-show researcher Adam Jacot de Boinod and published in his new book, "The Meaning of Tingo," which draws on intriguing words and phrases culled from more than 154 languages. It took two years, 280 dictionaries and 140 Web sites, as well as consultations with various foreign embassies, to conduct the research. Why did he write the book? de Boinod told the BBC News, "I'm trying to celebrate the joy of foreign words."

Tingo: A Pascuense language word from Easter Island that means borrowing items from a pal's house, one by one, until there is nothing left.

Kummerspeck: a German word that literally means "grief bacon" but refers to the excess weight gained from emotion-related overeating.

Bakku-shan: Japanese for a woman who "seems pretty when seen from behind but not from the front." (In America we use "Two-bagger")

Ulykkesbilen: Danish for an "ill-fated car."

Putzfimmel: German word that means a mania for cleaning.

Nakkele: From Tulu, India, this describes a man who licks whatever the food has been served on.

Katahara itai: Japanese for laughing so hard that one side of your stomach hurts.

Drachenfutter: A German word that is "dragon fodder" when translated literally, but means the peace offerings made by guilty husbands to their wives.

Plimpplampplettere: Dutch for skimming stones.

Backpfeifengesicht: German for a face that cries out for a fist in it. (Howard Dean, for example)
___

I'll add:

Widjadidja - A redneck word that asks if you brung yer truck widja.

Butterface: English for a woman who "looks good everywhere else but her face.

Sitzpinkler: German for a man who pees like a woman.

>> > CHURCH BULLETINS
>>> > They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
>>> > Typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
>> or were announced in church services:
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
>>> > tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
>> the Recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
>>> > those
>>> > Things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
>> to a Conflict.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
>>> > Someone who is hard to love. Say "[censored]" to someone who doesn't
>>> care much About you.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
>>> > obvious Pleasure to the congregation.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
>> nursery Downstairs.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
>> the help They can get.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
>> will Sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
>> -------------------------------------------------
>>> >
>>> > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
>>> > church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
>> Music Will follow.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
>>> > [censored]?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
>>> > several
>>> > New members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
>>> > recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>> ----------------------
>>> > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
>>> > person You want remembered.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
>>> entertainment and Gracious hostility.
>> --------------------
>>> > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
>>> follow.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
>>> They may be Seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
>> across from The Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
>> ladies are Inv ited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
>> would
>>> > Lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
>> Sunday.
>>> > --------------------------------------------
>>> > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
>> use the Back door.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
>>> > Church
>>> > Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
>>> this Tragedy.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
>>> Church.
>>> > Please Use large double door at the side entrance.
>>> >
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
>>> > slogan
>>> > Last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

lol!! Too funny!!!

Yes, back for a brief visit - I ran across the following and immediately thought about the coolies that I left behind:

40 WAYS to describe an Idiot

1. A few fries short of a happy meal.
2. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
3. A few bricks shy of a full load.
4. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
5. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit all of the branches on the way down.
6. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
7. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
8. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
9. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
10. A few clowns short of a circus.
11. If he had another brain it would be lonely.
12. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
13. An expirement in Artificial Stupidity.
14. A few beers short of a six-pack.
15. Dumber than a box of hair.
16. A few peas short of a casserole.
17. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl.
18. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
19. One taco short of a combination plate.
20. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
21. All foam no beer.
22. The cheese slid off of his cracker.
23. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
24. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
25. Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
26. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
27. As smart as bait.
28. Chimney's clogged.
29. Her sewing machine is out of thread.
30. His antenna doesn't get all of the channels.
31. Missing a few buttons on the remote control.
32. No grain in the silo.
33. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
34. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
35. Receiver is off the hook.
36. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
37. Skylight leaks a little.
38. Slinky's kinked.
39. Surfing in Nebraska.
40. In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little too far apart.
____

Of course, in the case of coolies, his and her are the same and sometimes you just cannot tell the difference.

13 is sp

The Cowboy

A cowboy from Texas was pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stopped and said, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the trooper said and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies though.

A soldier fresh out of the service went down to the Redstone Arsenal for a job.
The interviewer asked if he was a Vet. The guy replied yes I am just got out,I did a two year tour in Iraq. The interviewer said oh good you go to the top of the list. Then he asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy replied
yes 100 % I had my testicles blown off when a mortar round hit my Humvee. The interviewer replied in that case you can start tomorrow,the hours are 8:00 to 4:00 so show up at 10:00 AM. The guy asks if the hours are 8:00 to 4:00 why do I show up at 10:00 AM? The interviewer replies, well this is a Government job and we just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours, no sense in you showing up for that!
_____

I was in my back yard yesterday trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
_____

Subject: Shopping with Mom


Shopping

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, & as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mother." The little old lady waved & smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

Do not trust all little Old Ladies
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South Texas Farmers

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll explain it to you. Do you own a weed eater?"
Jim says, "Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

Real men have real men toys, like week eaters, chain saws, lawn tractors (don't you DARE call it a "mower")...