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#570993 - 06/21/06 03:39 PM Hello - any humor out there?
Mocha's Mom Offline
Platinum Poster
Mocha's Mom
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 633
Western MA
I haven't posted in a while but I have been reading the BOL Cooler posts whenever I have been in need of a good laugh or needed something to occupy my mind. Well, the stress level in my life has just increased once again this morning and I am in dire need of a laugh. Does anyone have any humor to share? I feel like I'm teetering on the edge and there's a crowd waiting to push me off!! Help!! Thank you kindly...

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#570994 - 06/21/06 03:44 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Big Dog Offline
Power Poster
Big Dog
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,659
Kennel
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



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You got Male!
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CAMS, AMLP, AKC, K-9






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#570995 - 06/21/06 03:50 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Ops Offline
Power Poster
Ops
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,827
Georgia
[quoteYou got Male!




How CUTE!

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#570996 - 06/21/06 03:51 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Not Ready to Run Offline
Gold Star
Not Ready to Run
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 454
IA
Sorry, I can't think of any jokes right now but I am definitely with the other crowd pulling you off the ledge. Get up, take a break, walk around, take a deep breath, whatever it takes right now.

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#570997 - 06/21/06 04:04 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Mocha's Mom Offline
Platinum Poster
Mocha's Mom
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 633
Western MA
Thanks, I needed that!! I wish that taking a walk and a deep breath would help. I won't go into it all now but I'm sure I'll divulge more in the future in different responses. Suffice it to say that my life has been in turmoil for at least a year and a half - major life changes going on. I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude and be thankful for what I do have in my life. I thank you for the laugh as well as for being part of the opposite crowd!

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#570998 - 06/21/06 04:05 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Carly Girl Offline
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,778
TEXAS
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"


I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"


I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"



A five-year-old boy shouted out,"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

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#570999 - 06/21/06 05:24 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
HappyGilmore Offline
10K Club
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,844
Pulling people out of the ditc...
A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender said "that will be $5." The duick says "put it on my bill."

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey, why the long face?"
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Providing alternative truths since the invention of time

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#571000 - 06/21/06 05:32 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Beige Offline
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Beige
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 3,950
A guy walk into a bar and says......"OUCH!!! That really hurt...stupid bar!!!"
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“Where words fail, music speaks.” - Hans Christian Andersen

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#571001 - 06/21/06 05:36 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Anonymous
Unregistered

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"


Suzy

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#571002 - 06/21/06 09:03 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
califgirl Offline
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califgirl
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,355
The O.C., California
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"
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I can explain it to you. I can't understand it for you.

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#571003 - 06/21/06 09:15 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Skunk Boy Offline
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Skunk Boy
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,896
R.I.P. Chief Illiniwek
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and say, "Hey, did you hear the one about us?"
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We're doing oil changes. Oil changes for EVERYONE!!

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#571004 - 06/21/06 09:41 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
CRAatBOK Offline

Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 6,172
Further South than I wanna be.
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year- old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Well, my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
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Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

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#571005 - 06/21/06 10:37 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
BBoyd Offline
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BBoyd
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,494
MI
Two ants were walking across a box. All of a sudden, one of them raced from one side to the other. When the other ant finally arrived there, he asked, "What the heck were you doing?" To which the first ant replied, "Didn't you see the sign? It said "Tear across dotted line!"
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Opinions are mine and never to be taken as legal advice!

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#571006 - 06/21/06 10:38 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Search_Me Offline
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Search_Me
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 8,433
In my Strappy Heeled Sandals!
Quote:

Two ants were walking across a box. All of a sudden, one of them raced from one side to the other. When the other ant finally arrived there, he asked, "What the heck were you doing?" To which the first ant replied, "Didn't you see the sign? It said "Tear across dotted line!"




I love it... too cute...
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She who dies with the most shoes WINS! grin

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#571007 - 06/21/06 11:24 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
CRAatBOK Offline

Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 6,172
Further South than I wanna be.
A MAN WALKS INTO A PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE WEARING ONLY UNDERWEAR MADE OF SARAN WRAP.

THE PSYCHIATRIST SAYS, “WELL . . . . . . . . . . I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS."
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Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

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#571008 - 06/21/06 11:54 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Dip Offline
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Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
Quote:

Two ants were walking across a box. All of a sudden, one of them raced from one side to the other. When the other ant finally arrived there, he asked, "What the heck were you doing?" To which the first ant replied, "Didn't you see the sign? It said "Tear across dotted line!"




i dont knwo why, but this one was really funny to me...kinda reminds me of what my pets might say if they could talk
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Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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#571009 - 06/22/06 01:30 AM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
The Incredible ComplyGuy Offline
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The Incredible ComplyGuy
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,350
The he11 of suburbia
Quote:

Quote:

Two ants were walking across a box. All of a sudden, one of them raced from one side to the other. When the other ant finally arrived there, he asked, "What the heck were you doing?" To which the first ant replied, "Didn't you see the sign? It said "Tear across dotted line!"




i dont knwo why, but this one was really funny to me...kinda reminds me of what my pets might say if they could talk




Your pet ants??

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#571010 - 06/22/06 07:38 AM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Citrus Offline
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,139
Quote:

Your pet ants??








.

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#571011 - 06/23/06 01:53 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Dan Persfull Offline
10K Club
Dan Persfull
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 47,517
Bloomington, IN
The TGIF thread made me think of this one:

There was an attractive blond on the elevator when an attractive man got on. They went up a couple of floors and the man didn't say anything so the blond thought she would initiate a conversation. She said to the man:

T G I F

The man turned and looked at her and said:

S H I T

The blond was taken aback a little but thought maybe the man didn't understand, so she repeated:

T G I F

The Man once again replied:

S H I T

Well the blond was insulted:

She asked the man if he didn't understand that TGIF stood for Thank God It's Friday.

The man replied:

Sorry Honey It's Thursday
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The opinions expressed are mine and they are not to be taken as legal advice.

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#571012 - 06/23/06 05:29 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Beige Offline
Power Poster
Beige
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 3,950
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!"
_________________________
“Where words fail, music speaks.” - Hans Christian Andersen

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#571013 - 06/23/06 05:31 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Bengals Fan Offline
Power Poster
Bengals Fan
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,990
Cincinnati, OH
OH MY GOODNESS, that is sooooo bad sunshine!

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#571014 - 06/23/06 05:32 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Beige Offline
Power Poster
Beige
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 3,950
Quote:

OH MY GOODNESS, that is sooooo bad sunshine!




but did it make you giggle???
_________________________
“Where words fail, music speaks.” - Hans Christian Andersen

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#571015 - 06/23/06 05:35 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Bengals Fan Offline
Power Poster
Bengals Fan
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,990
Cincinnati, OH
Quote:

Quote:

OH MY GOODNESS, that is sooooo bad sunshine!




but did it make you giggle???




Nope, it made me discover that smelling my iced coffee from the inside out and snarfing it all over was messy...

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#571016 - 06/23/06 05:36 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Beige Offline
Power Poster
Beige
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 3,950
Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

OH MY GOODNESS, that is sooooo bad sunshine!




but did it make you giggle???




Nope, it made me discover that smelling my iced coffee from the inside out and snarfing it all over was messy...




OK - THAT made me giggle!!!!
_________________________
“Where words fail, music speaks.” - Hans Christian Andersen

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#571017 - 06/23/06 05:52 PM Re: Hello - any humor out there?
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

Two ants were walking across a box. All of a sudden, one of them raced from one side to the other. When the other ant finally arrived there, he asked, "What the heck were you doing?" To which the first ant replied, "Didn't you see the sign? It said "Tear across dotted line!"




i dont knwo why, but this one was really funny to me...kinda reminds me of what my pets might say if they could talk




Your pet ants??




no! my dog and cat...they're retarded and goofy
_________________________
Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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