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#600057 - 08/17/06 04:55 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,350
The he11 of suburbia
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But some people are able to forgive. Or they are willing to tolerate infidelity.
Here's my two-cents for the sake of discussion without the intent of intentionally flaming anyone or being rude or judgemental.
I wonder if we can all agree that whether or not we call it an "affair," both one night stands and repeated encounters can reasonably be considered "cheating" or "infidelity" -- especially when there is a mutual expectation of monogomy between the couple involved.
As Sweetpeas has alluded to, what really matters is how the people involved react to the situation regardless of how it's labled. I think everyone has their own limitations to what they will tolerate and will not tolerate.
I'm not sure if this has any relevance to the thread, but there it is.
So if the expectation isn't mutual, then it's not an affair. Good loophole 
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#600058 - 08/17/06 05:14 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
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As far as the topic goes, I think the Clown Boy summed it up pretty well.
You mean when he said that it isn't an affair until it is repetitive? I completely and totally disagree and would venture to guess that nearly 100% of married people, who have not had sex with someone who is not their spouse and some who have (excluding those in the swingers thread), would disagree also. I THINK once is enough.
That's your right. I happen to think there is a difference between cheating and having an affair. I'm allowed to think that, too.
I agree I think that cheating is just having sex with someone while having an affair is tied more to an emotional level. If a guy goes to Vegas meets some chick and sleeps with her and never sees her again I wouldn't consider that an affair, I would consider that cheating.
And for the record I am a married woman.
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#600059 - 08/17/06 05:50 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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As far as the topic goes, I think the Clown Boy summed it up pretty well.
You mean when he said that it isn't an affair until it is repetitive? I completely and totally disagree and would venture to guess that nearly 100% of married people, who have not had sex with someone who is not their spouse and some who have (excluding those in the swingers thread), would disagree also. I THINK once is enough.
That's your right. I happen to think there is a difference between cheating and having an affair. I'm allowed to think that, too.
I agree I think that cheating is just having sex with someone while having an affair is tied more to an emotional level. If a guy goes to Vegas meets some chick and sleeps with her and never sees her again I wouldn't consider that an affair, I would consider that cheating.
And for the record I am a married woman.
But for purposes of buying a gun to shoot him with, it really is just semantics, right?
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#600060 - 08/17/06 05:52 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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10K Club
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
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As far as the topic goes, I think the Clown Boy summed it up pretty well.
You mean when he said that it isn't an affair until it is repetitive? I completely and totally disagree and would venture to guess that nearly 100% of married people, who have not had sex with someone who is not their spouse and some who have (excluding those in the swingers thread), would disagree also. I THINK once is enough.
That's your right. I happen to think there is a difference between cheating and having an affair. I'm allowed to think that, too.
I agree I think that cheating is just having sex with someone while having an affair is tied more to an emotional level. If a guy goes to Vegas meets some chick and sleeps with her and never sees her again I wouldn't consider that an affair, I would consider that cheating.
And for the record I am a married woman.
But for purposes of buying a gun to shoot him with, it really is just semantics, right?
LOL!!!! Right! 
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#600062 - 08/17/06 06:06 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,289
dreaming of a warm beach......
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I agree I think that cheating is just having sex with someone while having an affair is tied more to an emotional level. If a guy goes to Vegas meets some chick and sleeps with her and never sees her again I wouldn't consider that an affair, I would consider that cheating.
And for the record I am a married woman.
Excellent- I'll be in Veags in September for a convention. Let's meet!!!!! 
Remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Just be sure you have all the perfume, lipstick and long blonde hairs removed from your clothes prior to going home. Also, be sure the hickies have faded or you get good cover up for them! 
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#600063 - 08/17/06 06:13 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Unless you get pregnant, in which case, what happens in Vegas stays with you for 18 years...and then, if you are lucky he/she doesn't drop out of college and move into your basement with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend.
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#600066 - 08/17/06 08:00 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Unless you get pregnant, in which case, what happens in Vegas stays with you for 18 years...and then, if you are lucky he/she doesn't drop out of college and move into your basement with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend.
Is this spoken from experience or just a random thought? 
Search me?
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#600068 - 08/17/06 11:11 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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So if the expectation isn't mutual, then it's not an affair. Good loophole
The loophole isn't that it it's not an "affair." The loophole that it's not cheating or infidelity when there isn't the expectation of monogomy. Isn't that what swinging is all about?
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#600069 - 08/17/06 11:20 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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when the hot dog gets thrown into the hallway (thank you stewie)
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#600070 - 08/18/06 12:11 AM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
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i hope sp falls through that hole that goes all the way to you know where
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#600072 - 08/18/06 02:07 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Back in February I posted a thread called, "Is it Cheating" which dealt with getting an email from an old high school boyfriend and enjoying the feelings that the email had stirred up in me after 25 years of marriage. I am now living with the old boyfriend from high school and divorced from my husband. Was it cheating to respond to that first email? I don't think so, but to continue to respond and let feelings develop--yes, that was cheating. The affair started long before the first time we met (he was living in another state) and had sex together. The emotional connection we made was cheating. While I am very happy with this old boyfriend, many people have been hurt for my happiness. As I was advised back then, it is cheating if you even think to ask yourself that question.
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#600075 - 08/18/06 02:35 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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10K Club
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 12,846
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Back in February I posted a thread called, "Is it Cheating" which dealt with getting an email from an old high school boyfriend and enjoying the feelings that the email had stirred up in me after 25 years of marriage. I am now living with the old boyfriend from high school and divorced from my husband. Was it cheating to respond to that first email? I don't think so, but to continue to respond and let feelings develop--yes, that was cheating. The affair started long before the first time we met (he was living in another state) and had sex together. The emotional connection we made was cheating. While I am very happy with this old boyfriend, many people have been hurt for my happiness. As I was advised back then, it is cheating if you even think to ask yourself that question.
Yeah, I'm glad that all worked out in the end, except for all that pain and unimaginable heartache felt by the "many people." Life's too short for you to be unhappy. Everyone else? Well, let's get our priorities straight...
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#600076 - 08/18/06 02:44 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
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The hurt caused the many people is why I wrote my reply--it is cheating even if there isn't sex involved. My husband and I were already split before I had sex with the boyfriend. I had an emotional affair with another man while I was married and it was devastating to my husband and our children. My kids have accepted my decisions and they are happy that I am now happy. My x-husband hates me and will for the rest of his life with just cause. My priorities were screwed up and I could have stopped things right at the beginning, but once they got going, there was no way to stop them. Unless you've been there, you can't understand. You can judge, but you can't understand.
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#600077 - 08/18/06 02:51 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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10K Club
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 12,846
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The hurt caused the many people is why I wrote my reply...
I know. I know that you recognized that. My reply was more for the purpose of illustrating the absurdity of another post.
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#600078 - 08/18/06 02:52 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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10K Club
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,855
Pulling people out of the ditc...
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5, at what point should a person who is unhappy in a relationship continue to suffer thorugh that unhappiness. Yes, in a perfect world we all marry our first love and life is great from that point on. Sadly, that doesn't happen, and never will. Obviously, something was missing in the first marriage, and we'll never know if anything was done to address that. Causing pain for others? Well, that is life, and often times the ones you love are hurt by decisions that must be made. Don't know who the anon is and I don't want to, but everyone deserves a chance in life to be happy.
_________________________
Providing alternative truths since the invention of time
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#600079 - 08/18/06 03:02 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Power Poster
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 5,994
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5, at what point should a person who is unhappy in a relationship continue to suffer thorugh that unhappiness. Yes, in a perfect world we all marry our first love and life is great from that point on. Sadly, that doesn't happen, and never will. Obviously, something was missing in the first marriage, and we'll never know if anything was done to address that. Causing pain for others? Well, that is life, and often times the ones you love are hurt by decisions that must be made. Don't know who the anon is and I don't want to, but everyone deserves a chance in life to be happy.
Those issues don't matter to some. People should stay in a marriage whether it's working or not according to some people. If her first marriage was rock solid there wouldn't have been an issue.
_________________________
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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#600080 - 08/18/06 03:06 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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10K Club
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 12,846
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5, at what point should a person who is unhappy in a relationship continue to suffer thorugh that unhappiness. Yes, in a perfect world we all marry our first love and life is great from that point on. Sadly, that doesn't happen, and never will. Obviously, something was missing in the first marriage, and we'll never know if anything was done to address that.
Again, I do not have a specific criticism of the anon poster. Based on her post below, there may have been very good reasons to end the marriage, reasons that were not apparent when the post of which I was critical was made. I would not argue that someone needs to suffer if suffering is truly occuring.
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Causing pain for others? Well, that is life, and often times the ones you love are hurt by decisions that must be made. Don't know who the anon is and I don't want to, but everyone deserves a chance in life to be happy.
My problem comes when people talk about pain caused to others flippantly, or even as being necessary in order for another to be happy.
In a scenario where a spouse has a substance abuse problem that is not being addressed, I would say that the spouse with the problem has caused the pain, not the spouse who leaves. Hopefully, the spouse who leaves will get the children out of that environment as well.
In a situation where there is no abuse of the spouse, no abuse of drugs or alcohol, and where the other has remained faithful, then, no, I do not think a desire for "happiness" overrides the vows taken.
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#600081 - 08/18/06 03:06 PM
Re: When Does it Become an Affair??
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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There were problems in the marriage. Could they have been worked out? Too late now to tell. The x has a severe drinking problem which has now escalated and has cheated in the past. Getting attention of a loving nature and hearing what every person wants to hear from a former boyfriend definitely brought the husband's "faults" to be scrutinized. ANd I shared those faults with the boyfriend through email and before I knew it, I was in love with the boyfriend and my husband was living elsewhere. My point was that I know I was having an affair long before I had sex with the boyfriend. The idea that an affair only happens after you have sex with another person may work for some people, but for me, I know I was wrong long before I ever even touched the boyfriend. But if I had to do it all over again, I might do some things differently, but I would want the outcome to be the same.
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