Skip to content
BOL Conferences Top Gun 23
Learn More - Click Here!

Thread Options
#602404 - 08/21/06 07:43 PM Monday giggles
Beige Offline
Power Poster
Beige
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 3,950
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, still asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
_________________________
“Where words fail, music speaks.” - Hans Christian Andersen

Return to Top
Chat! - BOL Watercooler
#602405 - 08/21/06 07:52 PM Re: Monday giggles
Carly Girl Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,778
TEXAS
LOL heard that one before and its still funny the second time too. LOL
_________________________

Return to Top
#602406 - 08/21/06 07:58 PM Re: Monday giggles
Beige Offline
Power Poster
Beige
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 3,950
Job Application


This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
_________________________
“Where words fail, music speaks.” - Hans Christian Andersen

Return to Top
#602407 - 08/21/06 08:41 PM Re: Monday giggles
Alien Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 862
Mexifornia
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating or over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and ran straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my future wife's entire family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my mother-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!
_________________________
If you have enough, would you know?

Return to Top
#602408 - 08/21/06 08:40 PM Re: Monday giggles
Mrs. Rizzo Offline
10K Club
Mrs. Rizzo
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 10,392
Curled up by the fire...
Love the job application
_________________________
Take responsibility for your life.

Return to Top
#602409 - 08/22/06 01:20 PM Re: Monday giggles
dpchick Offline
New Poster
dpchick
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3
The Golfer and the Dentist
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.! I have two buddies sitting out
in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic
and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at
the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to
wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

Return to Top
#602410 - 08/22/06 01:29 PM Re: Monday giggles
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
LOL! As a golfer...now THAT'S funny!

Return to Top
#602411 - 08/22/06 02:01 PM Re: Monday giggles
Carly Girl Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,778
TEXAS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

***************************************************
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

*****************************************************

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

******************************************************

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

*****************************************************

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies,"Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

****************************************************

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in h-e-l-l!"

*****************************************************

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini... " he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
_________________________

Return to Top
#602412 - 08/22/06 03:19 PM Re: Monday giggles
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
LOL!!! Loved these!

Return to Top
#602413 - 08/22/06 04:45 PM Re: Monday giggles
Anonymous
Unregistered

How do women hold their liquor...By the ears

Return to Top
#602414 - 08/22/06 04:50 PM Re: Monday giggles
Bimmer Offline
Diamond Poster
Bimmer
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,121
Wherever the plane lands
Quote:

How do women hold their liquor...By the ears




Ha!!!
_________________________
My silence doesn't mean that I agree with you. It's just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.

Return to Top