Here chicky, chicky. Hop on the bun. Don't mind the mayonaisse.

OK, so I skipped lunch and I'm a little hungry.

The History Of The World According To Actual Grade School Student Exam Papers:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.

5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'

9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah,"

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse
divided against itself cannot stand' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

19.Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.

20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

ROFL!!!

Naval/Marine Aviator:

On a carrier, the Naval/Marine Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force:

We've all seen Air Force pilots look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the crew chief waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.

Army:

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the crew chief a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the crew chief that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

A man's guide to life


The universal compensation for a man who helps you move is beer and plenty of it.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a man's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If a man is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight. It is our duty as men to jump into the fight.
Exception:
If within the last 24 hours his or her actions have caused you to think, "What he needs is a good butt-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

Unless a man murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail him out of jail within 12 hours.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a man's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your friend is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your friend is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Before dating a friend's ex, you are required to ask his or her permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

When stumbling upon other men watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model... and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman or man must remain sober enough to fight.

If you compliment a man on his six-pack, you better be referring to their beer.

Never join your spouse/friend in dissing a fellow man, except when he or she withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to another in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

If a man is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join in... too gay."

"Thou shall not rent the movie 'Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood'."

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There, now... Everybody got it?

OLD GUNNERS MATE....
There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship Gunner's Mate
Senior Chief who shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and
cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the
"Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the
bartender
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure
about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had
been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling
off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.
The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several
patrons snickered. But, by the time he was
into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was
a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar
before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The
bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name of the
song he had just played.
"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight',"
said the old Senior Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.
The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a
knee- slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told
the crowd the song was
called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused
himself as he lurched off to the head.
When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and
said, "Look Senior Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is
open and your [censored] is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "[censored], I wrote it!!!"

Cows With Guns

Fat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun
Cows aren't fun


They eat to grow, grow to die
Die to be et at the hamburger fry
Cows well done

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cows are one

He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal
He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal
Cow Tse Tongue

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd
Cow doldrums

He mooed we must fight, escape or we'll die
Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high
Bad cow pun

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate
Cows are bummed

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
Cows with guns

They came with a needle to stick in his thigh
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye
Cow well hung

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor
Run cows run!

He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay
We are free roving bovines, we run free today

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

They crashed the gate in a great stampede
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed
Cows have fun

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep
Much cow dung

Black smoke rising, darkening the day
Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

The President said "enough is enough
These uppity cattle, its time to get tough"
Cow dung flung

The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef
Cows on buns

The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed
They mooed their last moos,
they chewed their last hay
Cows out gunned

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers

Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

I love this thread! The kids history was great, even the "Man Rules" are funny. Cows with guns is a little bizarre tho!

I think you have to be a Texan to understand the "Cows with Guns".

Funny!

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
_____

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, 'Let's go over to that bar for a drink.'

The lady with the Chihuahua said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'
The one with the Doberman said, 'Just watch, and do as I do.'

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'

The woman with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The bouncer said, 'A Doberman?'

The woman said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.'

The bouncer said, 'OK, come on in.'

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, 'What the heck,' so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'

The woman said, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'

The bouncer said, 'A Chihuahua?'

The woman with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua??? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua?!?!'
_____

Wife: How many women on PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Husband: I don't know. How many?
Wife: Three.
Husband (curious): Oh, how come three?
Wife (on the verge of tears, red-faced and screaming): It just does!
_____

Sniglets: words for things that should have words but don't (By Rich Hall):
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' dee yon ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' ree um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or, ear).
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp)
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
THERMOSTATRICS (ther mo stat' rix)
n. Similar to 'elecelleration' above, the mistaken notion that if you set the thermostat to 95 degrees the room will warm up to a comfortable 70 degrees faster.

Why does the black widow spider eat the male immediately after they mate?

To stop the snoring before it begins.

This engineer showed up at the pearly gates and, due to a clerical error, was redirected to [censored].
A while later one of the angels noticed the error and brought it to G-d's attention. G-d placed a call to Satan. "Hey, Satan, I hear you got one of our engineers down there."

"Yeah, G-d, this is great. The guy's got the place air-conditioned, he's put in a waste disposal system to beat the band, and he's started putting in escalators on all the mountains."

"Well, there's been a mistake. You're going to have to send him up here."

"In your dreams, Big Guy. There's no way I'm letting you have this guy after all the good he's done down here."

"You ignorant little Imp. If you don't send him right up I'll sue you."

"Riiiiiiiiiight. And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
_____

Remember the ant and the grasshopper?

OLD VERSION . . .

The ant works hard, in the withering heat, all summer long. He builds
his house and stores supplies for the winter,

The grasshopper thinks that the ant is a fool. He laughs, dances and plays the summer away, preparing nothing for the coming winter.

Winter comes, the ant is safe and warm. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

The moral to the story being:
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

NEW VERSION . . .

The ant works hard, in the withering heat, all summer long. He builds his house and stores supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks that the ant is a fool. He laughs, dances and plays the summer away, preparing nothing for the coming winter.

Winter comes, the ant is safe and warm. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and fed, while others are cold and starving!

CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN show up to provide pictures of shivering grasshoppers, next to a video of an ant in his comfortable home, with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast! How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer this way?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah, with the grasshopper. Everyone cries
when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green".

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where
the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome".

Jesse then has the group pray for the grasshopper's sake, and reminds the group to contribute to his group, so that he can "continue the fight" for grasshoppers, everywhere!

Ted Kennedy & John Kerry exclaim, in an interview with Tom Brokaw, that
the ant has gotten rich, off the back of the poor grasshopper!

Both call for an immediate tax hike, to make the ant pay "his fair share"!

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity For Grasshoppers Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire the proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his house is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper, in a defamation suit against the ant. The case is tried in federal court, with a jury comprised of unemployed welfare recipients.

Surprise! The ant loses the case!

The story ends, as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food, while the government house he lives in (which happens to be the ant's old house) crumbles around him, due to lack of maintenance!

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found, dead,
in a drug-related incident. The house, now abandoned, is taken over by a
gang of spiders, who terrorize this once-peaceful neighborhood.


THE END

According to a leaked internal memo, here are the top 10 viewer-suggested Katie Couric sign-offs ranked according to frequency of suggestion:

10. “Well, there’s 22 minutes of your life you can never get back.” 9. “News pH balanced. We report. You admire.” 8. “I hope to see you tomorrow night, because all I see tonight is the TelePromTer.” 7. “I’m Katie Couric, and that’s the way it is at the DNC.” 6. “That’s the news and I mean it. Does anybody want a peanut?” 5. “I’m Katie Couric and this is one sweet gig!” 4. “If you stand up for a few minutes now, you won’t get so many sofa sores.” 3. “Now you know what to think. But you don’t really have to.” 2. “Why read the news online when I get paid millions to do it for you?” 1. “What makes a muskrat guard its musk?”

And:

"I made $59,000 and change today, and you didn't. I'm Katie Couric and I don't need Bush's tax cuts."

"Good night and a reminder to my Al Qaida friends: Check the New York Times for the latest secret plans."

"That's the so-called news, and it's all Bush's fault!

40 reasons to get drunk tonight!

1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.

2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.

3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.

4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.

5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.

6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.

7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.

8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.

9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.

10. Remember that English high school teacher you and your pals used to call “Mr. McTightass?” You are so starting to remind me of him.

11. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.

12. How the [censored] can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?

13. Churchill and FDR got drunk, Hitler didn’t. So what are you, some kind of Nazi?

14. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the [censored] wants to go through life acting like a damn squirrel?

15. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.

16. Your friends might have a good time without you.

17. The Man says you shouldn’t and you don’t want to upset the Man, eh slavebot?

18. There is a 1000 percent better chance you will land a starring role in the upcoming Paris Hilton video Vegas Orgy.

19. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.

20. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.

21. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.

22. Listen, are we down on this goddamn rock to have a good time or watch other people have a good time on TV?

23. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.

24. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.

25. You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.

26. If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.

27. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.

28. Al-Qaeda forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from Al-Qaeda?

29. Let’s face it: modern life is a [censored] storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.

30. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.

31. You did your damn monkey dance for the Man and now you get your monkey treat.

32. God hates the sight of you.

33. God won’t stop staring at you.

34. Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.

35. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.

36. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.

37. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.

38. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”

39. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your damn apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?

40. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong. —Frank Kelly Rich

A Chinese couple gets married, and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My daring," he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan...numba 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, "You wan...beef with brocceri?"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

roflmao

Thanks, That Girl, I was wondering if you had a sense of humor as most here do not.

This has probably been posted before, but it's a good one and, actually, not a joke.

Cowboys and Indians.........

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"


The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'

LOL, another good one, X.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates. com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the [censored]. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a " decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino , extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet ," ooh , you're a huge [censored].

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive [censored] ? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: This one is long overdue. No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Can't...stop....laughing....:)

X-those are some of the absolute funniest things I have EVER read! I LOVE the classmates one, I get crap from them daily!!

Keep them coming X....ROFL!

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check
on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So, is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

Dear Lowrider:

Check to see if your Harley is still under warranty. If so, take it to the dealer and let them fix it.

If it is not under warranty, do not try to fix it yourself if you don't have the skills. Ask a friend who knows about this sort of thing. Or, ask your wife's boyfriend. He seems to be taking care of other things you can't handle, so maybe he can help here also.