Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR. All of a sudden Thibodeaux turns to Boudreaux and says, : "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife...she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Boudreaux sips his beer and replies,
"You better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
_______

Three Rednecks, Bubba, Hoss, & Catfish, were working on a tall TV tower. Catfish fell off and was killed instantly.

As the ambulance took away the body, Hoss says, "someone should go and tell his wife."

Bubba says, "okay, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do it."

Two hours later Bubba comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Hoss says, "where'd you get that, Bubba?"

"Catfish's wife gave it to me," says Bubba.

"That's unbelievable. You told the lady that her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

"Well, not exactly," Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Catfish's widow."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you case of Budweiser you are."

Joe took his, knock-down gorgeous, blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.M

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But,
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have
a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all
of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked---but your client didn't."

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House," for instance, is feminine, "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine, "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic,

2) The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,

3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval, and

4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("El computador"), because:

1) In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on,

2) They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves,

3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and

4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Note: The women won.
_____

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Read the ad...


Post Date:

Aug 7th, 2006

Expire Date:

Sep 6th, 2006

$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently , "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

LOL!!!!! Now THAT'S funny!

ROFL!!!! I need to send that one to my husband.

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,

I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess
with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed
him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to
tell from all the mess.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."
_____

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:


30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.

Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from [censored]...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back.

I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating...sleeping...bitching or crying for no apparent reason...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a
friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes
for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.! Why don't you just add an in-store microphone to the darn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them where the sun does not shine.

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

OMg the kotex joke is absolutley hilarious

Do they go along with, What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, she's already been told twice!

Why do men never buy women watches?
-The stove has a clock on it.

CORPORATE INGENUITY (AMERICAN STYLE)

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a 5-mile canoe race on the Mississippi River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American's rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering Supervisors, 3 Area Steering Superintendents, and 1 Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, other equipment, and extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year, the Japanese team won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses, and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
____

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor.

"Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from
his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks,"Honey, What's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, What's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

Darren married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said

"Well, Your Honor," Darren started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce."
_____

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you?"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
(good question, actually!)

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO.......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note about liberals: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. < BR>

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above and a guilt feeling before simply laughing, denying and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately.

Love that one!!!!

(2006-10-26) — President George Bush, at a White House news conference yesterday, assured Americans that “Republicans will pull out of Congress as soon as Democrats are ready to govern and protect our nation, and not one day sooner.”

“We’ll stand down as Democrats stand up,” the president said, “We’ve been doing all we can to train them, teach them the value of liberty, and show them the importance of fighting the enemy before he shows up in your neighborhood.”

However, Mr. Bush acknowledged disappointment with the pace of that training.

“By this time, we had hoped they would be self-governing and ready to defend the nation,” he said, “but we’re committed to the goal, and we won’t pull out of Congress until we know they can handle it.”

While rejecting calls for a timeline, such as a November 7 redeployment, Mr. Bush talked about establishing “benchmarks of progress” for Democrats.

“Republicans will pull out of Congress allowing the Democrats to govern,” he said, “when the following benchmarks are met: – when Democrats value life and liberty for our citizens more than they prize civil rights for our enemies, – when Democrats understand that the answer to people who blow up and behead civilians can’t be found in the court room, – when Democrats stop their abuse of women, millions of whom are mercilessly tortured and killed every year before they emerge from the womb, – when Democrats see the harm to society in same-sex marriage and the benefit in same-sex education, – when Democrats realize what the “il” in illegal alien stands for, – when Democrats figure out that a “government of the people” must include people who don’t wear black robes at work, and – when Democrats finally see a tax increase they don’t like, and a tax cut they do.”


2006-10-24) — Just two weeks out from national elections, Democrats today unveiled the Iraq war strategy they will force the president to implement when they control Congress.

In an effort to answer critics who say Democrat war policy consists of little more than attacks on President George Bush, presumptive House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, held a news conference to explain the new strategy, dubbed “Drop the Course” as a counterpoint to the president’s often-maligned “Stay the Course.”

“Victory isn’t always about winning,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Those of us who went to college know that sometimes when the going gets tough, the tough drop out. Who among us hasn’t experienced the exhilaration of walking out of the registrar’s office after dropping a course you were failing. America deserves to have that feeling again.”

Asked to respond to the Democrats “Drop the Course” plan, Mr. Bush said, “I guess if you see freedom and national security as electives, that makes sense.”

The president added that the new plan didn’t surprise him, “since the Democrats so often cut the class, it was inevitable they’d drop the course.”

(2006-10-21) — House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, and Rep. John Murtha, D-PA, today issued a joint statement calling on terrorist groups and armed militias to pull out of Iraq, or at least begin a “phased redeployment.” They also called for sanctions against any nation that harbors or funds those terrorists.

Until this week, the Democrat leaders had been calling on the U.S. to retreat from Iraq, but today Rep. Pelosi said, “it suddenly occured to us that the terrorists and so-called insurgents are the aggressors.”

“We realized that if the U.S. pulls out,” she said, “the shooting, bombing and beheading continues. But if the terrorists leave, or if their funding dries up, then the fighting stops and we can build a lot more schools, clinics, water purification systems and electrical generation plants.”

Standing with the California lawmaker at a news conference, Rep. Murtha, a former Marine, unveiled what he called “our new Democrat vision for Iraq to become a country that can defend, sustain and govern itself, a country which will serve as an ally in this war on terror.”

“We got to thinking, Nancy and me, that the old Democrat vision of a U.S. pullout would have created a safe haven and base of operations for al Qaeda to launch its global jihad,” said Rep. Murtha. “and it would have sent a message to those seeking freedom in the Arab world that we think they don’t deserve to be free or can’t govern themselves democratically.”

Asked whether this new position wouldn’t just play into the hands of Republicans three weeks before a national election, a clearly agitated Rep. Pelosi said, “We’re talking about a global conflict that threatens our civilization, and you’re asking about politics?”

“We’re Americans,” she added, “and our sons and daughters are dying to bring freedom to Iraq and that whole region of the world. Any nation or group that buys bullets and bombs to blow up our kids is, by definition, our sworn enemy. You can’t compromise or negotiate with people like that. We must defeat them.”

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
_____

BIBLE SALESMAN


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial troubles.

While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.

He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 inhere! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it
t-to y-y-you??"

Dear Friends and Relatives:

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000
for a monument to William Jefferson Clinton. We originally wanted to put him
on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more
faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Clinton in the Washington, DC, Hall Of
Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It
was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who
never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since
Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he
got there, didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had
been, decimated the well-being of the majority of the population while he
was there, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you.

William Jefferson Clinton Monument Committee

P.S. We have raised $1.35 so far.
_____

We' re Off to See the Wizard!

Four U.S. Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirl to the Land
of Oz.

They finally land in the Emerald City and go to find the Great Wizard

"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?" bellows the great
and power Oz.

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says: "I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!" said the Wizard. "Who's next?"

Richard Nixon steps forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done!" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up steps Bush and says, "I'm told by my critics that I need a brain."

"No problem!" said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there,
looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Little Devil’s Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Little Devil’s Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Little Devil’s Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Little Devil’s Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Little Devil’s Way*
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Little Devil’s Way*
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Little Devil’s Way*
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Little Devil’s Way*
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Little Devil’s Way*
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

Got anymore jokes??

Hello, you should work rather..... ! Does anybody know, how is construction annual audit plan. I have to do it, but i can`t....

Robert