Skip to content
BOL Conferences
Learn More - Click Here!

Thread Options
#605470 - 08/25/06 07:46 PM A step in the right direction...
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
I don't normally post in here, but I am taking important step that I'd like to share.

When I was 3 years old, my Mother left my father because he wouldn't get help for his drug addition. The last time I saw my father was when I was 4 years old. I have thought about finding him over the years, but I was so angry that I couldn't even understand why I wanted to. Now at age 31, I have been taking a look at my life and the issues that I've been holding on to. Today I wrote my father a letter, and I am going to find his address (I know that he's alive and living in CA) and I am going to mail it to him. I want to let him know that he has to live with his choices and that I am no longer angry at him. I can't even describe how good is feels to say that. I can finally let go and move on.
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#605471 - 08/25/06 07:52 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Nanwa Offline
Power Poster
Nanwa
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 5,564
Clintonville, WI, USA
Good for you! It is good to let go of that anger. Anger can eat away at your happiness. As for your dad, I hope he reads the letter in the spirit it was intended, and maybe he will contact you. I'll say a prayer for you.
_________________________
Member of the National Sarcasm Society - like we need your support!

Return to Top
#605472 - 08/25/06 07:52 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Anonymous
Unregistered

I don't even know you but I am very proud of you. I am in the same boat, the only difference being that my father has been apart of my life. Drug addiction is a hard thing to deal with especially when the father role is important in a girls life. I have been able, like you, to forgive and make peace with the problems my dad has caused because of his drug addiction. You will feel at peace after you do this and maybe sometime down the road you can have a father in your life. I finally do.

Return to Top
#605473 - 08/25/06 07:52 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Skittles Online
10K Club
Skittles
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,965
TN
This is great and will help you tremendously. I, too, carry a lot of anger that I know I should get rid of, but it is very difficult.
_________________________
My Opinions Only

Return to Top
#605474 - 08/25/06 08:02 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
cheekEE Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,594
Easy Street
Good for you Sing! The best thing I ever did was forgive my mother for her addition. Unlike you I lived with her until I was 14 and just couldn't take it anymore. After several years of not talking to her I found her and we came to an understanding. I forgave her past, but I would not support her future without some life changes. 10 years after that conversation she finally got help and is sober.
_________________________
Some days good karma isn't worth the hassle.

Return to Top
#605475 - 08/25/06 08:06 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Anonymous
Unregistered

Thank you all for your encouragement. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers so much. I have been very lucky to have other father figures in my life, one of the happiest days of my life was when my Grandfather gave me away on my wedding day. I am finally ready to let go of the anger, and I already feel better just saying that. Now all I need is a stamp!

Return to Top
#605476 - 08/25/06 08:08 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
I was so excited to say Thank you that I forgot to sign back in! Thank you again everyone!
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#605477 - 08/25/06 10:17 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
corkygirl Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 4,241
middle of the country
Good for you Sing, before my husband finally got sober 7 1/2 years ago I was soooooo angry all the time. It's good to have worked thru that anger and come out on the other side. I will keep you in my prayers, you have taken a good first step.
_________________________
Treading water in a hurricane

Return to Top
#605478 - 08/26/06 04:46 AM Re: A step in the right direction...
Dollye7 Offline
Gold Star
Dollye7
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 255
Southwest USA
YOu are not alone, many of us have parents that we think could have done a better job, but how do we know? Everyone is not cut out to be a parent. What happened, happened. Maybe it made you stronger.

I am so happy that you are able to forgive your father and go on with the wonderful life ahead of you.

Return to Top
#605479 - 08/29/06 01:48 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
wavewatcher Offline
Diamond Poster
wavewatcher
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 2,053
Hawaii
What a great step in the right direction. You must have the self-confidence to face your fears and act. You must have been blessed with wonderful family members and mentors.

Return to Top
#605480 - 08/29/06 04:55 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
XODUS Offline
Power Poster
XODUS
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,384
you probably should just stick the letter in the mail with a bogus address on it. If sending the letter does you good fine, but receiving it isn't likely to help him. Further, the can of worms you may be opening by contacting him probably isn't something you are ready to face. What happens when he comes knocking on your door a month from now? That's when you realize you just thought you were over it. My dad left when I was 3 and I didn't know him until I was 24. Things weren't exactly the way I pictured them and sometimes you find out that the story you believed to be truth your whole life is really a lie.

Return to Top
#605481 - 08/29/06 05:27 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
Thanks again for all of your support everyone, I have begun using an on-line people finder search to get his address. I don't think that I will ever hear from my father, but it's important that I send him my letter. It probably won't help him, but it will help me knowing that I made the effort for him to receive it. As far as him contacting me or finding out that things were different? It's a chance that I am willing to take, it's time for me to face my fears and deal with them.
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#605482 - 08/29/06 05:50 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Beagles22 Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,626
State of confusion
You are a very strong person, I hope you realize that. It is very hard to forgive a parent when they really let you down with something as large as addiction and abandonment. Your strength will make you a happier person as you got to let go of the heavy weight of anger. CONGRATULATIONS! Many people can not do what you are doing. I don't know you, but I am proud of you.
_________________________
Going to church doesn't make you a christian any more that standing in your garage makes you a car.

Return to Top
#605483 - 08/29/06 06:25 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Anonymous
Unregistered

Sing I truly hope that you find what you are looking for and this works out for the best.

I am one that Beagle Queen describes. The other half of my biological make up, left my mother and I when I was 3 and she was pregnant with my sister. I was lucky though, a man came into out lives when I was 5 and adopted my sister and I when I was 9. In my mid-20's my sister called me and said that she was going to try and track the other biological half down and was I interested in her giving him my address and phone number. I informed her that she was not to give him any information about me or my family and if he did dedcide to try and track me down, don't show up on my doorstep and I would stomp a mudhole in his butt and walk it dry. Thankfully she never suceeded in tracking him down. Now some may think this is harsh and cold, but I feel that if he didn't have the desire in over 20 years to try and be a part of my life, I would never have anything to do with him. Anyway, I had a Dad, someone who loved me, provided for me, taught me things and by example showed me how to be a man and live up to your responsibilities. Some may think that I feel this way because me mother bad mouthed him, but she never spoke a word in front of us kids unless asked and there was nothing said negative. I did not find out the whole situation until I was in my 30's and asked to hear the whole story. I no longer have any anger towards that person, matter of fact, I had none until I asked my Mom the whole story and that was short lived. I figured why waste any emotion on someone who never had any desire to find out about me.

Again Sing, I do hope that you get what you want out of your quest and that you are not disappointed.

Return to Top
#605484 - 08/29/06 08:28 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
Sea I appreciate you sharing your story. It's one thing to deal with it yourself, but it's another to open up and share it with everyone else.

My grandfather was such a wonderful influence on me growing up and he was a terrific role model. When I was 10 years old my Mother remarried. My step-father and I had a love hate relationship for the first few years, but as we got to know each other and as I grew up, I realized what a great guy he is. He is now one of my biggest cheerleaders, and though I don't call him Dad, he really is my father.

Now I am at a point where I am ready to face issues in my life that I haven't before. I have wasted a lot of time and energy being angry with someone I don't really even know. Life is too short to harbor those type of feelings for someone, and it only eats away at you.

Writing that letter was so important for me, it made me face my emotions head on and then let them go. I don't expect to ever hear from my biological father, and I don't even know if he'll read my letter, but I still want to send it.
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#605485 - 08/29/06 08:37 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Not Ready to Run Offline
Gold Star
Not Ready to Run
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 454
IA
Put it in the mail. If you don't want him to track you down - just put your name in the return address space with no address.

Return to Top
#605486 - 08/31/06 11:58 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
MISS VIDA BOEM Offline
100 Club
MISS VIDA BOEM
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 146
SoCalifornia
I too, have carried anger with me since I was 17. My mother was the one that was addicted to prescription drugs and used me to take out her aggressions on, physically and emotionally. She finally commited suicide when I was 17. To this day, I still feel anger towards her and have done nothing to honor her on holidays, etc. It is hard to let go of those kinds of emotions. Maybe someday.

Return to Top
#605487 - 09/01/06 12:44 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Snowqueen Offline
Diamond Poster
Snowqueen
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,289
dreaming of a warm beach......
My father died shortly after my 9th birthday. At 43 I can't even began to count the times I wish he would still be alive and that I would be able to share my life happenings with him. I realize my situation is different that the original poster but if I were you I would make the initial move and try to find him. Maybe he has "cleaned" his life up and will respond positively to you. Maybe he is still a drug addict. Either way I don't think you will ever regret the attempt to find him and writing the letter. Now is the time to do it before you find out he is no longer living and you regret that you never tried.

Good luck!

Return to Top
#605488 - 09/01/06 03:47 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
Miss V, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I really appreciate you sharing your story. I might have ended up in a similar situation if it wasn't for my Mother. Only when I was older and pushed her for some details did she tell me about what made her divorce my father. When I was two years old, she walked in to find my father holding me up in the air by my pajamas and about to hit me. She tried to talk to him, but he was on something and didn't even understand what he was doing. Before that she urged him to get help and even gave him an ultamatium, but that was the last straw for her. I am very lucky that my Mother made that decision, and I was shielded from the effects of his addiction.

Miss V I hope that someday you are able to let go the anger for yourself. I know that I didn't go through what you did, but I can tell you that facing my emotions and making the decision to send my father the letter and move on has already changed my life for the better.
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#605489 - 09/01/06 08:46 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Lissa P. Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 474
Texas, USA
My situation is from a different view of the same circumstances. I am left to raise a 7 year old son alone because his father is a meth addict. My ex is currently in rehab (court order) but I don't hold onto any high expectations for his recovery. He will write letters to my son, that are somewhat bizarre at times. Once I read them to our son, he doesn't show any more interest in keeping them. But I want to keep these letters so that someday my son will know that his dad "tried". Yes, he's a failure, he's an idiot, he has given up a wonderful life and a great family by the mistakes that he's made. But I do know that somewhere inside of him, he still loves our son. I'm afraid that may be the only thing left of their relationship by the time my child is an adult. It is so terribly painful to watch what it does to your children. There is just no excuse......

Return to Top
#605490 - 09/01/06 08:50 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Lissa P. Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 474
Texas, USA
Sing A Little, I will be praying for you with special thought, because my son will most likely be in your shoes someday...

Return to Top
#605491 - 09/01/06 09:34 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
Lisa you and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers as well. After hearing so many stories from fellow BOLers I am more grateful to my Mom for taking us both out of that situation. Be strong for you and your son, when he grows up he will know that how much you love him and you were protecting him from a bad situation.
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#605492 - 09/02/06 05:48 PM Re: A step in the right direction...
Blade Scrapper Offline
Power Poster
Blade Scrapper
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 5,912
Outside A Garage
Lissa, my thoughts will be with you. I encourage you to support your ex if he truly tries to turn his life around. It is possible for him to have a new way of life if he is willing to do the work. I say this as a recovering addict with six and a half years clean. There is often a lot of shame and guilt involved with the way we treated our loved ones and it is difficult to rebuild bridges we so happily burned before but there can be healing for you and your children. Anyways, i dont know if what i said makes any sense, but i hope it helps.
_________________________
...you guys, I'm going home

Return to Top

Moderator:  Andy_Z, John Burnett