Sorry Auditfan, if some of my posts upset you. I guess I am taking out some of my frustration on what our society has become on these posts.

Being 50, and coming from an old fashioned family from "the old country", I honestly have to say that some of the things you might call progress, I find a sad loss. For instance, we used to get nicely dressed and made up before going into public. Now, most people you see shopping look like an unmade bed. Most people went to church, and wore their "Sunday best". Now, churches are closing everywhere for lack of interest, and those that do go look sloppy and disrepectful.

Many people still want to get married, but are unwilling to put in the effort and time required to make it work. I blame this on our society wanting "instant gratificatiion". They want everything fast and perfect. And if it's not perfect, then get out of there fast.

Parents are getting too busy to give their children the time and attention they deserve. Too often the kids are innudated with videos and TV as babysitters, or their time is filled with structured activities such as soccer and music lessons. All these are well and good, but whatever happened to some down time where the kid can just play and learn to use his/her imagination? Or spend one on one time with Mom or Dad?

I know there are good parents out there, but I am seeing more and more of this and it makes me miss the old values.

Nanwa, you are very lucky you found such a wonderful husband. Obviously you have worked very hard and should be commended for being married for 27 years, especially now when divorce rates are so high. But I ask you, would it have been "better" for me to have married my son's father, only to get divorced? In my defense I was on birth control when I got pg. And always had been. Yes, I know it's not 100% fail proof, and I am glad b/c my son is the light of my life. He is the one that always makes me smile. I believe the only people that can condemn me for getting pg when I wasn't married are those who were virgins when they did get married. I wasn't married to that man, b/c we met while I was in high school. When he talked seriously about us getting married I was in college, and that was my priority, I felt I was too young to get married, and was more focused on getting through school and figuring out what I wanted to do after. I'm not saying I am without fault, but those are just my reasons.

ARLady and Auditfan, thank you. Your posts really make me feel better and even stronger. I guess one of my reasons for starting this thread was for support, and it really helps me to hear stories of others who have been in my situation and have happy endings!!! I know I am not the only one who has ever had my heart broken, but sometimes when someone is grieving one of the best medicines is to talk to others who know how you feel and to hear their stories. That's all I was looking for.

Copper,

I just want to point this out to you. You can take it as whatever you choose too. Why do you need "closure" in the 1st place? I mean, what exactly do you expect to gain from it? It is apparent that this guy is obviously not worth the time or effort, as the rest of the BOL community pointed out, so why do you think you'll ever get an "I'm sorry" or anything along those lines. Your only 2 years younger than me and the last thing you need to worry about is this guy or hoping for closure, which I dont think will ever come. Feeling sorry for yourself leads to feeling angry at someone. Anger, often leads to hate. Hate leads to despair. At such a young age, and with a young child, despair would be the worst feeling for you. In my opinion, you should just live your life. Dont "expect" anything. Just enjoy the moment.

If I may address the psychology behind why this generation ends up "like this", (and I'm talking to you Nanwa), you hit it on the head with what you said about being raised a certain way. Yes, society has changed, there is less and less interaction with parents and children, and we are all suffering for it. The child grows up and tries to find "love" subconsciously with someone who will ultimately reject them. It's like trying to re-enact the relationship with the parent that didn't have time for them, except now it's with a guy that "doesn't have time for them". It's a vicious cycle and it really hurts. My parents were both functioning alcoholics, and I probably didn't get what I needed from my relationship with them, because I was in that same cycle that CT is in. It's easy to say "just forget that guy", but when you are in it, it's not that easy, because it taps into your feelings of family abandonment. I feel like I'm doing alot better, mostly due to the man I'm going to marry, who has a degree in psychology, and he's helped me work through alot of this. This situation is getting worse and worse with the young people now because of our culture and all the distractions out there. But no one needs to be put down for something like that, it makes them feel worse about themselves than what they already do. People's attitudes toward single mothers is one reason that I do not go to church, even though I would like to, but some good "Christians" out there make you feel like less than a human because your life has not been lived perfectly. But that's another story.

ARLady, I respect where you're coming from. I'd like to point out tho, that your generation is actually the second to face single parenthood and it's repercussions. Roe v Wade is 33 years old. All this points to the fact that your generation doesn't have a corner on the market of looking for love in all the wrong places.

As for this:

Quote:

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People's attitudes toward single mothers is one reason that I do not go to church, even though I would like to, but some good "Christians" out there make you feel like less than a human because your life has not been lived perfectly.

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don't let the attitudes of a few people sour you on the whole group. It's just like posting here. Some people will agree with you. Other's will not. That's life.

I agree with you, Truffle. I shouldn't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch. I just get irritated that so many people seem to be down on single moms, when there are alot worse things a person could be.

Our church is full people who have led difficult lives - recovering alcoholics, recovering drug addicts, people with health problems, divorcees and single parents. They have come to the church to help turn their lives around, get support, make friends and, in many cases, meet their future spouses. We know we are far from perfect, but we are trying to become better people.

I remember that the old Catholic church I grew up in would probably look down upon single mothers, but a Catholic church in Florida has support groups for single parents. So, the church is changing as people's needs change.

It must have been meant for me to read this thread today. I am also going through a similar situation the result of an on/off involvement for over 10 years. Our situations are very similar in that the guy in my situation also would leave and come back every 6 months or so. He has dated and lived with other women over the years and I just tried to take it one day at a time as I was also a single mom and knew I needed to focus on raising my child. For some reason I wanted to believe that eventually he would come to his senses and see that I was the person for him. All of his previous relationships turned out badly where they left him or he chose women with some serious problems and used that as a reason to leave them. But a pattern started to appear, that after every bad situation he would wait a few months and then call me telling me how much he missed me and that he did love me. But it wouldn't last for long, he would start denying he ever said anything and then I would quit hearing from him. The time before this last time I actually did try to cut off contact, I didn't answer the phone when he called, no e-mails, nothing from me. Luckily he had moved out of town so I didn't have to see him or run into him anywhere. But I would still get birthday cards telling me he missed me etc. So this past year I get the birthday card asking me to come visit him and I go. You can guess what happened or rather what didn't happen. I also got the "I genuinely like you" speech and that he wanted me to know that he had a lot of respect for me and he did have some feelings of love for me but didn't want to discuss it. He also told me that he didn't believe he would ever get married again (he was married once when he was very young). He did tell me that "not everything was about me" and that I should get involved with someone else and I would see how messed up HE was.

We have known each other for a long time and have gone through a lot of good and bad times together. But the truth is he was never in love with me and for whatever reason I chose to remain in my own "fantasy" of what I thought we could/would become. Notice I use the word "chose" because in the end I made choices that have ultimately hurt me. My self-esteem has been very affected and I have turned this into "what is wrong with me". I agree with the previous poster that you will probably not get closure from this person as I also went through that where I wanted closure. I wanted him to tell me so badly why he did not "choose" me. If he liked me as a person, he trusted me, he "loved" me why would he choose others that he didn't feel that way about? That will be the question that will never be answered and I know that I will have to create my own "closure". I understand that you are sad, I am as well. It really does hurt. You are still so young with a bright future ahead of you and a child who needs you. I am a good bit older than you, my child is almost grown up and have found that time went on without me and right now I have a lot of regrets and I would not want you to go through that. Counseling is good advice and I am seeking that now as well to try and understand why I made this one person so important in my life. I believe that ARLady has some good insight into that and I am hopeful that I will work through this. I had hoped that this person and I could be friends, but not now, maybe someday maybe not. Not sure that he deserves my friendship (don't believe I'm actually saying that....) It is a grieving process when you decide to actually let go of someone that was important to you. I think I'm getting to the anger phase, but I go back and forth. It's tough as his birthday is coming up as well as the holidays. Not sure if any of this helped you (I think it helped me a little by typing this), but try to look at the people who really do love you and know you are a wonderful person. Try to stay strong and one day at a time is all you can do. I wish you the best.

CT, I feel for you cause I know it's not easy. My ex husband and I separated more often than I care to count and I just couldn't seem to let go. When I finally filed for divorce it was one of the most difficult times in my life. I kept playing things over in my mind, what could I have done differently that would result in a better outcome?

The fact is, there is nothing and when it is done it's done. Take some time to figure out what you want for yourself (do not include a relationship!). You were in a relationship and had a child and there must be something you had to sacrifice because of that. Get involved with something that is just for you.

I went back to school, it kept my mind to busy to worry about the what if's and had beens and in the end I was a college graduate. I proved to myself that I was strong, capable and independent. I did eventually get married again, started a family and have been able to accomplish all kinds of things I would never have thought possible.

The question is are you going to allow things to happen to you or will you take control and guide your own destiny?

I totally agree with Life of Riley. The only way to move on and get closure is to take care of YOU. I would also suggest that if you don't already, you may want to try working out. Whether it's walking, going to the gym, etc., it will make you healthier and improve your mood. I was never a "workout" person either, and a couple of years ago I started going to Curves. It was the best thing I ever did. I felt like it's made me happier and more mentally alert in general. You can also play with your child too, I'm not sure how mobile he/she is yet, but running around with your child is fun for both of you. Just a suggestion. Hang in there.

Halito, your post helps so much. I know i've said it before but seriously, knowing there are so many others out there that have been in similiar situations is almost comforting. For me, it's kind of like a support group, and I appreciate everyone telling their stories too. There are so many similarities in our stories. Especially hoping he would come to his senses and realize I was the one... But I can honestly say that I now am really coming to terms with the fact that is never going to happen. Yes, it is so hard, especially when my head and emotions won't get on the same page yet.

You hit it on the head, about it being a greiving process. I feel that way exactly. And if anything, I will be here to listen and sympathize during his birthday and the holidays! I hope we both find the peace we are looking for. And that we deserve.

Riley, your story helps too. I guess I'm a broken record, but I really appreciate people opening up, telling their story, and the ones with happy ending like yours give me a little more hope.

Taking control of my destiny will be a challenge. So far in life, until my son came along, everything was easy, it was already planned out. High school, college, work, etc etc. I do have regrets along the way, but I don't want to look back at my life and just wish I could have made different decisions. So this is a hard one for me, but I am taking baby steps. I'll get there.

Every night as I try to fall asleep I would try to make it through the roasary. It was just something I was taught as a little girl, and I usually find comfort in it. But the last week I have been thanking God for all the good things in my life. Some nights when I'm feeling sad the list isn't very long, but even during the day I try to remind myself of everything I do have, and how much worse it could be.

For me, closure came when I stopped asking myself the questions I would never get an answer to: "why did it happen;" "how did it happen;" "what could I have done different" - when I stopped hoping that he would contact me again or be waiting for me one night to say he was sorry, that he'd made a mistake. Another poster said it so simply - closure comes when you close the door. I stopped wondering, I stopped hoping and I moved on. It was the hardest thing I did; and it doesn't make the pain and hurt go away magically, but it made it easier for me to start moving toward the next door. And, I'm still standing in front of it - terrified to open it up because what if there's just another hurt coming through this one? When I'm ready I'll take a peek inside - for now I'm ok sittin on the porch sippin a beer. :-)