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#640762 - 11/21/06 07:52 PM Am I horrible?
Just Peachy Offline
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Just Peachy
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Posts: 164
Arkansas
I already know what I am going to do about this situation, but I wanted to see what other people thought about it. I am getting married in less than 2 months, and we have decided not to invite our parents to the wedding. This is my first wedding, my mother lives in a different state, and we have "issues" that make me believe that she would not be able to attend our wedding without wanting to run the show and/or be the center of attention. In the past, she likes to create drama, and there have been other times when I really needed her around that she wasn't there because she had "something better to do". This is just a brief summary, as I don't have time to go into detail here at work. I know she is going to hit the roof when she finds out we got married and didn't invite her. I just wondered what other people thought about it, and/or if they ever were in a similar situation.
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#640778 - 11/21/06 08:02 PM Re: Am I horrible? Just Peachy
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As long as you're eloping and inviting no one, everything should be fine.

If you're having a wedding and not inviting your parents, no matter what the issues, you're inflicting a world of hurt on the people responsible for the two of you existing.

If your mother lives in a different state she'll be hard pressed to run the show from far away. And if she has "something better to do" at least you didn't burn the bridge.

My inlaws chose not to attend my church wedding because of religious differences. But they were invited. Over the years we worked around the religious differences and had a good relationship that benefitted everyone, especially their grandchildren.

There's just no way I wouldn't invite the parents to a wedding. You're going to start you new life out in a boiling mess if you do. It'll end up causing much more trouble than putting up with her would.

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#640794 - 11/21/06 08:10 PM Re: Am I horrible? Truffle Royale
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If your parents are going to make you miserable, then don't invite them. You want to be surrounded by love and acceptance on your wedding day and if that means friends rather than family, there is nothing wrong with that. Good luck on your wedding, and more importantly, your marriage.
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#640827 - 11/21/06 08:29 PM Re: Am I horrible? MichelleDawn
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Oh for goodness sake! How many times do children make life miserable for their parents? if nothing else, you owe them for that! Grow up and do the right thing.

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#640834 - 11/21/06 08:35 PM Re: Am I horrible? Truffle Royale
MadisonCali Offline
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I think that more damage would be done in the long run by not inviting her (by the way...you said you're not inviting your parents--what is the problem with his?).
That's kind of something, in my mind/experience, people just don't get over.
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#640835 - 11/21/06 08:35 PM Re: Am I horrible? Truffle Royale
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FWIW, AR. I don't think it's childish to want to avoid heartache/headaches on your wedding day. Hang in there.
Last edited by Sweetpeas; 11/21/06 08:36 PM.
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#640872 - 11/21/06 09:01 PM Re: Am I horrible? MichelleDawn
Just Peachy Offline
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Thank you, Sweetpeas. I feel the same way. If I had more time and could write down allllll the stuff she's done, I think more people would probably agree with me. My fiance's mother is in another state too, and his father is deceased. She is not able to make the trip, so he didn't want her to feel bad or like she needed to buy us something. Also, I didn't realize I posted two of these threads! That was an accident.
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#640883 - 11/21/06 09:11 PM Re: Am I horrible? MichelleDawn
ComplianceFool Offline
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SXM ;) Wishful thinking!
Your wedding day is only one day. Granted, right now you think it's the most important day in your life, but if you exclude your parents from this day you will destroy whatever relationship you have with them, however fragile that might be. I believe when you have children of your own, you will come to regret your decision.
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#640910 - 11/21/06 09:30 PM Re: Am I horrible? ComplianceFool
waldensouth Offline
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FINALLY ABOVE the gnat line
I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you've indicated here. My mother could fit into the description you've related here. The question here is - do you wish to have any type of relationship with your mother after the wedding? If you do - invite her. If you're writing her off for good - don't. If I did what you're suggesting and tried to maintain a relationship with my mother afterwards - my life would be awful! She would bring it up at every opportunity and play it for all its worth. I would never hear the end of it.

If you want to preserve your relationship - such as it is - you must invite her. Now, you could plan your wedding in Jamaica or someplace you don't think she could travel to - then it would be her decision not to attend. You could also wait until very close to the wedding to let her know about it so she didn't have the opportunity to run the show.
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#640933 - 11/21/06 09:41 PM Re: Am I horrible? ComplianceFool
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ARLady,
congratulations on getting married. My wedding day was a month ago yesterday, so all of the stress of wedding planning is fresh in my mind, and that was withough sticky familial issues! It sounds like you're carying a lot of hurt from your mom not being there when you needed her. That's unfortunate, but I can only imagine that not inviting your mother to your wedding would hurt her terribly too. I would say that, unless she's so bad that you have no interest in having a relationship with her, you need to invite her. Not inviting your mother to your wedding is the kind of thing that can't be undone or made up for later.

Right after I got engaged and started getting stressed out,one of the loan officers at the bank who used to be a minister, took me out to lunch and gave me some advice. He told me that despite what society tells us, your wedding day isn't all about you. It's about you and your fiance, and your family, and his family, and the coming together of all of the people you love. And because it's not just about you, there are going to be sacrifices that you have to make, even though you're the bride. I thought that was pretty good advice.
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#640937 - 11/21/06 09:43 PM Re: Am I horrible? waldensouth
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Invite her and solicit the help of a best friend if possible to keep her at bay. I agree with the other posters that if she is as you say she'll use it against you for the rest of her/your life. My advice, make all the arrangemtns yourself and when she asks or offers to help - tell her "Thanks but it's already taken care of" and make sure it is or she use that too! Manipulative parents - and lots of us have them - can be beat if you play the game like they taught you! Good luck and best wishes on your wedding and marriage!

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#640939 - 11/21/06 09:44 PM Re: Am I horrible? waldensouth
cheekEE Offline
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For what it worth AR, I did not invite my mother either. We have a shakey relationship, but it was not made worse by the non-invite. We are actually closer than we were. I do wish I had invited her, but I know that she would not have shown.
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#641043 - 11/22/06 12:19 PM Re: Am I horrible? cheekEE
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ARLady, go with your heart, if my mother caused me grief, I wouldn't want to be around her.
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#641118 - 11/22/06 02:48 PM Re: Am I horrible? Retired DQ
Nanwa Offline
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ARLady, you are not being horrible. If it has come to this point, you have already tried everything to make things work out, and have seen the results. Some people are impossible to have a relationship with, and just because you are related makes no difference.

An old saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but not your relatives." However, you can pick the guests at YOUR wedding. It is YOUR day, YOU are paying for it, YOU get to choose to have it beautiful, peaceful and relattively stress free. No pun intended.

I wish you and your husband much happiness and joy in your new life together!
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#641196 - 11/22/06 03:57 PM Re: Am I horrible? Nanwa
Just Peachy Offline
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Arkansas
Thank you everyone who has responded. This is just going to be a very small wedding with about four people invited to attend. I guess if I were having some big $20,000.00 blowout bash, I would suck it up and invite her, because that would just be rude. But seeing that it's going to be small (and she's already been trying to blow it up into a large affair, none of which she would be paying for, I assure you), it seems ridiculous to me that she would spend money on a plane ticket out here, that would cost more than the wedding, I would have to drive 2 hours to the airport to pick her up, then I would be responsible for transporting her to the town where our wedding is going to be held, which is two hours away, then somehow, I would have to find someway to get her back to our house or the airport when I am supposed to be up there on my honeymoon, etc., etc. It just seems like alot of trouble to me. She got remarried about four years ago, and I was responsible for my own transportation to and from her wedding, but I know if I invited her and told her that I didn't want to be responsible for her transportation, that would end up being a big drama with her telling me I'm awful, etc.
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#641200 - 11/22/06 03:59 PM Re: Am I horrible? Nanwa
Okie Dokie Offline
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I don't think you are being horrible at all. I invited my mother to my first wedding which she chose not to attend. I did not invite her to my second wedding.

She and I do not have a good relationship, but I do try to maintain some sort of one with her because of my children. However, she has now started to treat my kids the way she has always treated me and the older ones don't really want to have much to do with her either.
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#641284 - 11/22/06 04:52 PM Re: Am I horrible? Just Peachy
Nanwa Offline
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ARLady, don't invite her. She sounds like the type who WOULD spend all that money and time just to be in your face to make things miserable.
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#641291 - 11/22/06 05:02 PM Re: Am I horrible? Okie Dokie
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ARLady,
Here's what I would do (emphasis - ME - I don't know you or your circumstance. This may not work for you). Pick up the telephone - call mom and have an honest conversation. Below is a possible script:

"Hello mom, you know that (insert financee' name here) are to be married soon. The wedding itself is really going to be an extremely small affair with only the two of us and four other people in attendance. This is the type of wedding that we want. (Insert Financee's name here)'s mother will not be in attendance and you know that his father is deceased. If you come there will be logistical plans on getting you here that I can't be responsible for. This will be my wedding day and my focus will be on getting my marriage started on the right foot, I don't want to stress about anything and that includes worrying about your safe arrival and transportation to and from the wedding. I do hope you understand and can still wish us well. After we return from our honeymoon and settle in a bit, maybe we can plan a visit with either you coming out here or us going there. That way you can get to know (insert financee's name here) better and we can visit without having all of the stress of the wedding."

If you are going to have any pictures taken - then tell her that you will have a picture framed and prepared especially for her and that you will send that to her just as soon after you return from your honeymoon as possible.

Let her know that you are the one in charge of your life, but that you do care about her.

Perhaps doing something like this will alleviate your guilt but make it clear to your mother that you still intend to have some type of a relationship with her.

Best of luck and whatever decision you make - be at peace with it.
Last edited by My Mind is Mush; 11/22/06 05:06 PM.
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#641373 - 11/22/06 06:13 PM Re: Am I horrible? Jaeger Schnitzel
Just Peachy Offline
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Arkansas
I like your thinking, Mush, that may be good to try too. But transportation issues wouldn't be the only thing we'd have to worry about. At Christmas time about 2 years ago, my mom called and said she wanted to come for a visit. I said that would be fine, no problem. We were living in a small one bedroom rental home at that time, transitioning for our move to where we live at now. My son didn't even have his own room at the time. She asked if she needed to stay at a motel, I said no. Well, she shows up and has her husband drop her off (he was on his way up north to spend time with his family) and she has bags and bags of personal belongings taking up our limited space. She had said NOTHING about "moving in" when she called about coming to visit. Needless to say, this created alot of goodwill with my fiance. When we quizzed her about it, she got defensive and said he was beating her, etc. She has left him before, and she didn't have any bruises. She did the same thing with her last husband and they finally divorced. Then she said she wanted to go to a motel, and I told her no, but she kept on, so we dropped her off there. The next morning she called and said she was sick. I was fed up, so I called her husband's cell phone to tell him what was going on and he had NO IDEA that she was "leaving him". He came back from up north and picked her up and they've been together ever since. I figure if it was that bad, she would have left him for real. I think she does it for attention, and it RUINED our Christmas. My big fear is that she will do something similar during my wedding. And this is but ONE incident with her. I hope this gives you all a bit more insight on my situation.
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#641407 - 11/22/06 07:12 PM Re: Am I horrible? Just Peachy
Nanwa Offline
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Do not tell her the date or location. She might show up anyway just to steal your day from you. Don't let her. Don't let her take advantage of you.
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#641411 - 11/22/06 07:21 PM Re: Am I horrible? Nanwa
Just Peachy Offline
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Arkansas
She might. I haven't told her the date or location, so we should be safe. It makes me feel bad, and I wish I just had a "normal" mother. It makes me feel better to hear you all confirm my viewpoint on this.
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#641416 - 11/22/06 07:25 PM Re: Am I horrible? Just Peachy
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I had a relative (who is now an ex-relative) who was just unbelievable about things she did. Unless you have experienced it, you just can't comprehend that there are people who are so out of touch with reality and common decency.

I agree that if things are this bad, you shouldn't invite her to the wedding. Based on my own experiences with someone like this, there would UNDOUBTEDLY be something that happens because of her that would cast a dark cloud (and dark memory) over your day.

Now, if you want to try to develop some type of manageable relationship with her in other ways, go for it. But, it's also OK at some point to say the stress, hurt, and damage is just too much to bear, and you move on.

Good luck. I know exactly what you have gone through.
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#641858 - 11/24/06 04:32 PM Re: Am I horrible? Rubaiyat
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You are not horrible not to invite your mother to your wedding. Only YOU know how she is and would react to any situation. Save yourself the stress and enjoy your day.

My brother's stepdaughter (from a former marriage) recently married (let's call her Mary) but did not invite her mother or even tell her mother she was getting married. It's a long story, but the mother (we believe)is an untreated bipolar schizophrenic (she's nuts!) and Mary could not take the chance that her mother would make the wedding a disaster. I've witnessed the mother's explosive tyraids and I don't blame Mary at all. My brother was invited and attended the wedding which was held at Mary's father's house. They even went as far as hiring and having a guard posted at the driveway entrance to keep the mother out in case she showed up.

I am sure Mary felt horrible about not telling or inviting her own mother, but I am sure she felt she had no choice.

So go with what makes you both happy. Congratulations and best of luck in your future!

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#641898 - 11/24/06 05:26 PM Re: Am I horrible? Happy Apple
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Have you given any thought or consideration for a smaller private reception or receptions after you return from your very intimate wedding. Perhaps have your small wedding as you wish, and share with your families a small reception of family and close friends (one for your side and one for his) when you return. Perhaps this way, you can still control the situation, and friends and family can still feel involved in your special event. This way, your mother does not ruin your wedding day, she only offends and pushes herself on her own family at the reception, and you can still call the shots and control the purse strings.

If she still has issues with this, then let her know how sorry you will be that she will not be there at the reception to celebrate this special event with your family and friends, and the next move in a positive direction must be hers.

As you can guess, I too have fun split family issues. I have learned that I cannot, and will not change others, but a happy and content life I must pursue for myself and my sig. other...and sometimes that means that others will have to make the difficult choices for themselves.
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#641919 - 11/24/06 05:42 PM Re: Am I horrible? Happy Apple
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I don't think that you are horrible for not wanting your parents at your wedding....but I do think that you are wrong for not inviting them. You seem like a smart girl, go ahead and put the ball in her court. If she responds in a disrespectful manner, you will never be able to say that YOU didn't try.

If you don't invite her, one day, you may look back on your wedding.....and yes there will be good and happy moments, but lurking in the back of your mind you will always remember that 'we didn't invite mom". That I don't think will be a happy thought for you.

I don't know what caused the problems in your relationship and I believe that apparently for you to even be contemplating not inviting them, they were pretty serious.....but that does not change the fact that she is your mother. She may have disappointed you, but I would venture to say that you disappointed her as well....all children do....intentional or not. One day YOU will be a mother and no matter how much you say you won't do what she does or say what she said, one day you will open your mouth , hear her come out and "Oh my goodness, I am my mother after all". If it were me I would simply tell myself that I was not doing it for her, I was doing it for me....that way you will have no regrets......

Good luck
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