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#692358 - 02/23/07 06:17 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Big Dog
DeeQ Offline
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(whispers: thanks b-d... you da man...)
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#692359 - 02/23/07 06:18 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Pirate
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The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Senator's Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die." whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived, Senator's Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Hilary commented to Teddy, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT." Kennedy agreed--it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Ted's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." Amen" said Teddy. "Amen" said Hillary.

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
____

A woman named Jill stood up during her church's prayer

request time one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his motorcycle, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats as she continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle an have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in. Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:"STERNUM !"

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#692362 - 02/23/07 06:18 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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Hey BankerJen! Good to see you.
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Some days good karma isn't worth the hassle.

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#692363 - 02/23/07 06:19 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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**hiccups***

BOL bar people!??? *hiccups* I have a name ya' know...missy! *hiccups*

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#692367 - 02/23/07 06:21 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Miscuit
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Curled up by the fire...
Might I have a pain killer, please?
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#692368 - 02/23/07 06:21 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Miscuit
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BOL Bar Biscuit is her name...and tequila shots are her game.
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Some days good karma isn't worth the hassle.

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#692371 - 02/23/07 06:22 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> cheekEE
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LOL@CheekEE!

*slides a shot over to Kermie*

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#692372 - 02/23/07 06:22 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Miscuit
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Hey Cheekee!! Ms. B. Ms. B. Ms. B. Ms. B.
What's going on girls? Are we semi-behaving ourselves today or just saying heck with it?

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#692373 - 02/23/07 06:23 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. They call 911 and the ambulance takes him to the hospital where his doctor meets him and checks him out.

He asks "How bad is it Doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin!"

The doctor tells him, "I'll have to put a splint on it to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal herself. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "You think that's something? Look at this...still in the CRATE!"

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#692374 - 02/23/07 06:23 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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Cheekee that was funny. LOL!!
Kermie, a pain killer? Rough day?

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#692379 - 02/23/07 06:25 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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Curled up by the fire...
Not really, just starting early on my weekend!
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#692381 - 02/23/07 06:25 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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I say to hell with it Jen...PARTY TIME...this is a pirate bar.
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#692383 - 02/23/07 06:27 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> cheekEE
Maxx Offline
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Pirates are bad,(in a good way) so I guess their bars would be bad too!! Gets a bottle of tequila and starts passing it around everyone line up and take a shot!!!

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#692387 - 02/23/07 06:28 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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I hear ya on starting the weekend early Kermie. This one is going to fly by for me. Bartend til 1:30am tonight, back to the bank by 7:20am tomorrow. I guess I'll sleep on Sunday, unless I go play washers!!

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#692391 - 02/23/07 06:30 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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**hiccups**

BJ...you know what they say about "burnin' it at both ends".

**hiccups**

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#692395 - 02/23/07 06:32 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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They're fresh m'love. Had the crew pick the fruit this morning!
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#692396 - 02/23/07 06:32 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Miscuit
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I know. Hopefully this will be the only weekend that a bartending gig falls on the night before I have to work the next day!!
You know a good cure for the hiccups is to put some bitters on a lemon and suck.

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#692397 - 02/23/07 06:33 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> X
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X, that just made me bust out laughing... now people are staring... well, more than usual. THANKS!
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#692400 - 02/23/07 06:35 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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**hiccups**

Is that REAALLLY a "remedy" for hiccups...or are you just tryin' to get me to look goofy...or maybe show off? LOL!

**hiccups**

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#692401 - 02/23/07 06:35 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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Oh man...BJ you just left yourself open for a TON of jokes to come your way. Hope you're ready.
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#692405 - 02/23/07 06:37 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> cheekEE
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Curled up by the fire...
Peanut butter under your tongue works good for hiccups...either that or sugar under your tongue.
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Take responsibility for your life.

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#692406 - 02/23/07 06:37 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Miscuit
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It works for some of the other nuts at the real bar. Tought it might work for you too. LOL The other one is to put sugar on a slice of lemon and suck. Either way, you should see the persons face when they do this....priceless.
Thanks for the fresh fruity drink Pirate!

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#692407 - 02/23/07 06:37 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Pirate
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Pirate - were you the guy part of this date?


Worst First Date

We have all had dates . . . but this takes the cake.

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was seen on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

Marilyn said it was midwinter . . . snowing and quite cold . . . and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte in the lodge.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show . . . she took the prize hands down . . . or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. This gives a whole new meaning to being "pi**ed off".

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#692408 - 02/23/07 06:38 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Maxx
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Curled up by the fire...
Originally Posted By: BankerJen
I hear ya on starting the weekend early Kermie. This one is going to fly by for me. Bartend til 1:30am tonight, back to the bank by 7:20am tomorrow. I guess I'll sleep on Sunday, unless I go play washers!!


Ok...I'm tired just thinking about all that!
What is washers?
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#692409 - 02/23/07 06:38 PM Re: Pirate's Bar is OPEN <this should be interesting> Miscuit
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HEY!?!?

My bar not good enough?
I was giving out free drinks...

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