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#694640 - 02/28/07 05:38 PM A Wednesday Funny
Skittles Offline
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Skittles
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,963
TN
I have read this before but still find it amusing:



Did you hear the one about the Montana rancher who was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him?

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls u p a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
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#694646 - 02/28/07 05:49 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny Skittles
Bacon Boy Offline
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Stuck w/Avatar
ha ha!!
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#694649 - 02/28/07 05:53 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny Bacon Boy
DeeQ Offline
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Turnpike Exit 10
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#694650 - 02/28/07 05:53 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny Skittles
Miscuit Offline
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#694663 - 02/28/07 06:16 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny Miscuit
Bimmer Offline
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Wherever the plane lands
Now this is just ridiculous! If he has a BlackBerry, he has no need for a Razor or a Palm Pilot
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#694672 - 02/28/07 06:24 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny Bimmer
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LOL @ Bim.

(never hurts to have a "back-up")

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#694728 - 02/28/07 07:49 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny Miscuit
Bimmer Offline
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Wherever the plane lands
3 Surgeons are talking...

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Florida. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blond hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together. Now she's a senator from New York and running for President!
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My silence doesn't mean that I agree with you. It's just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.

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#694748 - 02/28/07 08:19 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny Bimmer
X Offline
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These jokes are all from old threads. The interesting part is that now one can re-post old jokes practically daily and the majority of coolies still laugh - even laugh out loud. The good thing is that this group is easily entertained.

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#694758 - 02/28/07 08:37 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny X
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

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#694761 - 02/28/07 08:44 PM Re: A Wednesday Funny X
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A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the sale barn and sell them. At the sale, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So the farmer hosed off the pigs, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"

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