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#798180 - 08/20/07 11:03 AM What to do...
pookiesgirl Offline
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 29
New York State
So, last night I found out my husband cheated on me. He didn't sleep with the woman, but "made out" with her. Right now, I am a mess, and I have no idea what I am going to do. I am usually very professional at work at hold it together well, but I'm not sure how the next couple of days are going to go. Do I say something to my boss? We are a very small department and it will be obvious that something is wrong. It sounds funny, but I don't want her looking down on me if I decide to stay with him.

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#798182 - 08/20/07 11:30 AM Re: What to do... pookiesgirl
Skittles Online
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Skittles
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Posts: 13,965
TN
Personally, I wouldn't tell my boss. You need to think about this and decide what the next step will be. If someone asks, just tell them you don't feel well. I would be devestated also. My prayers and thoughts to out to you.
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#798183 - 08/20/07 11:47 AM Re: What to do... Skittles
pookiesgirl Offline
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 29
New York State
Thanks. I'm pretty sure that at this point I'm not going to leave him, but that we will not really have a marriage either. We have 2 very young children, and I just don't want them shuffled between 2 homes at this age. Also, we really can't afford a divorce. He will definitely not be sleeping in my bed.

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#798222 - 08/20/07 01:21 PM Re: What to do... pookiesgirl
Sandy Beech Offline
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Sandy Beech
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Posts: 3,595
^i^
having never been through something like this, i can only imagine how devastated you are. sending prayers and good thoughts to you from new england.

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#798243 - 08/20/07 01:52 PM Re: What to do... Sandy Beech
pookiesgirl Offline
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 29
New York State
Thanks, I truely believe that prayers will get me through this, and actually asked God for strength when I went to mass. The one good thing is that my daddy did not raise me to be weak. I will not let this (or him) break me. I am worth more then that. Right now, I am more upset for my kids.

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#798254 - 08/20/07 02:03 PM Re: What to do... pookiesgirl
Truffle Royale Offline

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Once you get past the initial heartbreak and anger, get some counseling. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. Especially after saying you won't have a marriage any more. Staying together with that much bottled up can be even worse than a divorce.

You might also take the time to read some previous Couch threads on the same subject. There's a lot of good stuff written by people who've lived it both as adults and children of divorce.

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#798266 - 08/20/07 02:17 PM Re: What to do... Truffle Royale
P*Q Offline

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Well said Truff, I completely agree. Once you get past the outrage, obtain some counseling.

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#798272 - 08/20/07 02:24 PM Re: What to do... pookiesgirl
Bailey. Offline
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Originally Posted By: pookiesgirl
I am usually very professional at work at hold it together well, but I'm not sure how the next couple of days are going to go. Do I say something to my boss? We are a very small department and it will be obvious that something is wrong.


no no no no no. something's bothering you - that's gonna be obvious. what it is exactly is nobody's business, and spilling something like this is gonna get EVERYBODY'S nose poked in and people expecting that they deserve updates. if you happen to be close friends w/someone (not just a work relationship) you might feel inclined to confide. but don't "tell your boss" just as a general rule.

we all have bad days, it's expected. get through your work. go away for lunch. step into the bathroom to gather yourself when necessary. but there's no need to spill it. it'll honest-to-goodness come back to haunt you.

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#798314 - 08/20/07 03:10 PM Re: What to do... Bailey.
pookiesgirl Offline
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 29
New York State
Thanks everyone, you have no idea how much you've helped. I think the deal breaker will be whether or not he will get help with me. I've suggested it before when we had issues, but he flatly refused. Right now, he is saying it was a "terrible mistake" and will never happen again, but I think we need to find out why it happened in the first place. Also, he is saying that I should have left him when I wanted to before (we went through a really rough patch a few years ago, and I almost left - then I found out I was pregnant, and we worked out our problems).

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#798328 - 08/20/07 03:23 PM Re: What to do... pookiesgirl
BurntSienna Offline
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 2,407
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Prayers and positive thoughts coming your way from Illinois. Stay strong, your children need you to be strong. Get some counseling for yourself to equip you with the skills you need to get through this. Things WILL get better!
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#798344 - 08/20/07 03:45 PM Re: What to do... BurntSienna
hmdagal Offline
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hmdagal
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Do you have an EAP at work? You can talk to someone there anonymously, and they may be able to help.

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#798390 - 08/20/07 04:17 PM Re: What to do... hmdagal
blue Offline
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great suggestion hmdagal. The first few sessions are generally free and then they are able to recommend someone that they think is best equipped to help. I am a huge fan of EAP and admire the employers who offer it.

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#798402 - 08/20/07 04:23 PM Re: What to do... blue
Bankster Offline
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 440
Midwest
Sometimes it's nice to be someplace where people don't know what's going on with you. It's a bit of a break from reality.
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It's karma, baby.

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#798417 - 08/20/07 04:32 PM Re: What to do... Bankster
pookiesgirl Offline
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 29
New York State
That really is a great idea. We do have one - do you know can I contact them directly? I really don't trust our HR department with anything....

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#798435 - 08/20/07 04:46 PM Re: What to do... pookiesgirl
Truffle Royale Offline

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HR should have nothing to do with EAP. You should have info in your employee handbook or in your breakroom or wherever employee notices are posted. You call a general number and are connected with the right person to help with your problem.

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#798471 - 08/20/07 05:08 PM Re: What to do... Truffle Royale
cheekEE Offline
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Posts: 4,594
Easy Street
I used EPA with help for my grandmother when she was ill. It's a great program and my company had no idea I had talked to them. Lots of good information.
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#798525 - 08/20/07 05:51 PM Re: What to do... cheekEE
BurntSienna Offline
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 2,407
Midwest
I used my (former) employer-provided Employee Assistance Program when I was caring for a very ill family member years ago. I was impressed by their discretion, professionalism, and the resources which were available to me at no charge. It was a wonderful thing; if you have one where you work, it's a great idea to utilize it!
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"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie

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#798584 - 08/20/07 06:29 PM Re: What to do... BurntSienna
pookiesgirl Offline
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 29
New York State
Thanks all for the words of advice. I know that I will get through this. If any of you went through it, what/when did you tell your families? I am really afraid that someone will want to kill him....Or, maybe not..... (These mood swings are driving me crazy. One minute, I want to cry, the next I want to kill him. I am usual a very level person.)

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#798617 - 08/20/07 06:48 PM Re: What to do... pookiesgirl
Sandy Beech Offline
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^i^
again, i've never been thru this, but i would think that if you DIDN'T have mood swings, that would be more cause for alarm!!! and you only just found out!!! give yourself a break. you are seemingly doing all the right things - asking for help, counseling, etc.

Last edited by mag&moo; 08/20/07 06:49 PM.
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#798826 - 08/20/07 08:34 PM Re: What to do... pookiesgirl
JacF Offline

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Originally Posted By: pookiesgirl
Thanks all for the words of advice. I know that I will get through this. If any of you went through it, what/when did you tell your families? I am really afraid that someone will want to kill him....Or, maybe not..... (These mood swings are driving me crazy. One minute, I want to cry, the next I want to kill him. I am usual a very level person.)

I have gone through this, and my family still doesn't know most of the story. In my case, my wife and I did end up separating, and the only family member that knew ahead of time was my oldest sister- and I didn't tell her until the night before I moved. For me, it was a matter of needing to maintain enough peace to get over the hurdle, and knowing that others asking questions and getting involved (even with good intentions) could too easily disrupt that.

From what you've posted so far, it doesn't look like separation is your goal (nor do I think it should be a goal), so the question to ask is whether or not discussing this event with your family will interfere with what you need to accomplish.

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#799092 - 08/21/07 12:53 PM Re: What to do... JacF
Bagweaver Offline
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Posts: 2,409
SW GA
I went though something very similar many years ago. Only my sister was told most of the details, but even she didn't know everything. I didn't tell my mother much of anything because I didn't want her to have to deal with it.

You'll get through it. It takes time. Don't stay just because you feel it's best for the children. They feel the tension in the house and it affects them greatly. My son started having behavorial problems in school. That got much better after his dad and I separated and things became more calm.

The only one that can decide what's best in your situation is you. Get the counseling though. It helps you see through the anger and hurt.

Good luck and hang in there!
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#799346 - 08/21/07 04:22 PM Re: What to do... Bagweaver
TXBSA Offline
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Posts: 170
TX
I agree with Bagweaver. Do not stay just because of the kids. They feed emotionally off of you and him. If you ware unhappy, they will be too. They should be in an environment where they can feel secure. They will most definitely sense the tension between the 2 of you.

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#799409 - 08/21/07 04:59 PM Re: What to do... TXBSA
redsfan Offline
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Posts: 3,455
The Pennant Race
Don't give up on your marriage yet. See the post from someone else, below.

If you both work hard at it, it is still possible to have a long and happy marriage life together. But you both have to want it, and be willing to work at it.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

Last edited by redsfan; 08/21/07 06:38 PM.
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#799456 - 08/21/07 05:29 PM Re: What to do... redsfan
someone else Offline
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someone else
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back to my roots
OMG! I just realized this thread was here (silly me).

Pookiesgirl - we have a lot in common. Let me be an example of a marriage that has not only survived infidelity, but become stronger because of it. I never would have believed that could happen, but if BOTH parties are willing to sacrifice everything to make it work out, you will be OK.

But it must be BOTH of you, 100%. He must be willing to never see her, speak to her, etc. even if that means leaving his job, because that would help you feel more comfortable. He has to be able to regain your trust. And you have to be able to forgive him (a hard task, I assure you) and eventually learn to let it go.

If either of you can't hold up your end of the deal, it's over. That being said, the deal doesn't need to be made in one day. Take time. Take lots of time. You committed to him, and he to you. In time, you both may realize what's important to you.

Oh, and by the way, so no one here thinks I am a doormat, I've been quite clear with my hubby that if it EVER happened again, we would be done. No second chances. No excuses. Nothing. Just over.

There's so much more I would be happy to share with you. PM me if you feel like chatting. There were bad days, and there were worse days at the beginning, so I know what you are going through. Just know that someone_else has been there, done that, survived and is now very, very happy!


Gosh, there is just so much more I want to add. Yes, we did seek out counseling, although we only attended two sessions. No, no one in the family knows, or will ever know. That was between the two of us. Only my very best friend knew about what happened, because I needed someone to confide in! Believe it or not, sex helped us heal. A lot of communication takes place through intimacy; you'd be surprised. Now, obviously you won't want to right now, and I was the same, but eventually, you may want to think about it. Umm...gosh, I know there is more, but this is what I can think of off the top of my head. Please PM me anytime! I would love to help out!
Last edited by someone else; 08/21/07 05:35 PM.
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#799810 - 08/21/07 09:59 PM Re: What to do... someone else
Mrs. Rizzo Offline
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Posts: 10,392
Curled up by the fire...
Not sure what to say here...we have EAP and I think it's a great idea to seek help with dealing with these emotions...You shouldn't have to deal with it all on your own...
::hugs and positive thoughts::
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