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#808956 - 09/05/07 12:36 PM Input pretty please
Beige Offline
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Well, here's the thing. My hubby and I are considering adopting his Mom's (Wendy) boyfriend (of 10 years), Scott's granddaughter, Faith - whos 4.

We got married in February. I now have an awesome 6 year old step daughter, Sierra.

Scott's daughter, Amanda, has been a serious mess since she had Faith. The whole taking your kid with you on drug deals was a common. Amanda, was sent to prison and Faith went to live with one of Scott's son's and his wife. Well, they both have serious drug problems too. They kept her for about 2 years, I think.

In December or January they dropped Faith off at Wendy and Scott's, said they just didn't want the responsibility anymore. Nice. No plan or anything - just basically showed up and said here.

Wendy and Scott had just finally gotten the empty nest and all of the sudden have a 5 year old to raise. They had talked throughout their relationship that they did not want any moer kids. Wendy is very upset about the whole situation (understandably). Scott is doing what most parents or grandparents would do and stepping up to the plate. Their just both not very happy about it - they want to be grandparents - not parents again.

Mike and I had talked a few months ago about maybe adopting Faith. We never talked ourselves out of it, but just kinda let things slide.

As I talked to Wendy last night, she said that she had heard that Amanda (who had gotten out of prison and seen Faith a couple of times) was doing drugs with a bunch of people whom she thought it would be a good idea to steal $3000 from. The word is that these people found out and found her. It's not known now if she's alive or dead. The cops aren't much help because no one had any idea where she was living.

Wendy also told me that Scott is willing to let Faith go if they found a good family.

Soooo.....now Mike and I are back at seriously considering the adoption. I believe we would have to foster for a period of time, and then be able to make things legal.

We haven't said anything to Wendy or Scott, we want to be able to make sure we're deciding for the right reasons and not get any hopes up in the meantime. We've decided to start having Faith spend a night on the weekend. She is a fantastic little girl and really does seem to respon well to us. She and Sierra get along awesome.

This morning we talked about maybe giving ourselves a time frams, like a month, to continue thinking and considering. At that point if we decide it's something we really want to do at that point we'd talk to Wendy and Scott.

At this point, the only downfall we can see is Amanda, if she's OK and the possibility of Scott's other kids not wanting it to happen - although I'm not sure why they would all of the sudden start to care.

It just seems like the benefits of Faith having a solid home, where she is really wanted WAY outweigh the problems that may arise along the way.


Any thoughts??? Please??? Help????
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#808963 - 09/05/07 12:48 PM Re: Input pretty please Beige
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I think it is a noble, generous and wise thing to do. You and your hubby appear to want to give this little girl a real family, upbringing and love.

Good luck.
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#808969 - 09/05/07 12:50 PM Re: Input pretty please DeeQ
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As long as your heart is into this, you will do the right thing. As DQ said, this is a noble and generous thing that you will struggle with and enjoy for the rest of your lives.

Good luck and please keep us posted of the outcome.
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#808976 - 09/05/07 12:53 PM Re: Input pretty please Beige
waldensouth Offline
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this child needs a good, stable, loving home to grow up in. If you're committed to providing her with that home, I say "go for it"! It will be hard work. The first 4 years of her life have been very unstable and she will bring some of that baggage with her. You will need to establish boundaries (which she probably never had) and be consistent. She's young and should be able to adjust. Speak with your department of children and family services to find out what support they can provide.
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#808993 - 09/05/07 01:05 PM Re: Input pretty please waldensouth
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had friends take a similar road, becoming parents to their children's children;

make sure you have Amanda declared an unfilt mother and/or she legally gives up all parental rights into perpetuity -

sounds cold but people have funny habits of changing their minds as time goes on..

Now I know I let you down yesterday on the gift buying for my wife, but perhaps I can redeem myself here a little by applauding the 99% of mothers everywhere that have such an inate ability to love and nurture, ya'all are simply amazing in this crazy world!
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#809010 - 09/05/07 01:22 PM Re: Input pretty please waldensouth
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Dr. Bob if you feel it in your gut that this little girl needs a good stable home, which you said that you can provide. Do not wait any longer. If you have really sat down and considered everything then like Nike says just do it. My parents were almost in the same position. My step mom has a brother who is on his 7th DUI and has had 2 children from the same woman, they both have a past history with drugs. The first child was adopted by my step mom's other brother who already has a child of his own. When the second child was born (with the first bro I mentioned) the 2nd bro said he would not adopt the 2nd child. My parents thought long and hard about the decision, seeing that they already have 3 other children in the household. The grandparents ( step mom's parents) did not want to adopt because they didn't want to be parents again. So as soon as the mother took the state test and failed, my parents immediately took action to adopt. I'm just saying if you know it's right, and it works for you, by all means adopt no matter what anyone says. Faith needs a loving, stable and supportive home, which you can provide, and if the grandparents agree with the desicion. Then ask yourself, wha exactly is holding me back. There is a lot more to my story but I didn't want the focus taken away from your situation, but I'll tell you one thing I was apprehensive about my new lil sis at first. But now I feel guilty if I go just one week without seeing her, I love her soo much.
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#809039 - 09/05/07 01:46 PM Re: Input pretty please Beige
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God Bless you.
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#809044 - 09/05/07 01:48 PM Re: Input pretty please *nUnZeO*
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Bless you Dr. Bob! Yes there will be an adjustment period, but anything worth anything takes time, attention and sacrifice. You want her, she needs you, I think you are doing the right thing to welcome her into your family.
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#809092 - 09/05/07 02:25 PM Re: Input pretty please Nanwa
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Good luck dr., its definitely not going to be easy... but your doing the work that everyone is called to do but so few do... the work of serving a greater purpose and living outside of yourself... good luck, and keep us updated!

Prayers are with you and the family!
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#809208 - 09/05/07 03:33 PM Re: Input pretty please Pale Rider
Becka Marr Offline
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Originally Posted By: Pale Rider
make sure you have Amanda declared an unfilt mother and/or she legally gives up all parental rights into perpetuity -


I think PR makes an important point. I don't really know how the courts work with situations like this, but you might also consider whether Amanda will be allowed visitation.

All in all, I think going through with the adoption sounds like the right thing to do. Best wishes for your family!
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#809379 - 09/05/07 05:27 PM Re: Input pretty please Becka Marr
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That is amazing that you are willing to give this little girl a loving home. I think that taking things slowly will be the best thing for you and for Faith.

PR is right on, cover your bases legally in case Amanda decides that she wants to be back in the picture. After all this little girl has been through she deserves to be in a healthy and stable place.

Enjoy Faith and best of luck during the adoption process.
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#809448 - 09/05/07 06:29 PM Re: Input pretty please Sing A Little
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I certainly hope this works out for everyone involved. As soon as possible, get this little girl to counseling. And, if she becomes an official part of the family, you ALL need to seek counseling, Sierra included.

Good luck to you, and I think this is a noble gesture. You have obviously thought a great deal about this, and are going about it in a sensible way. Kudos to you and your hubby.
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#809464 - 09/05/07 06:42 PM Re: Input pretty please someone else
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Thanks so much everyone. It is so helpful to get some thoughts on this one!!

PR - great idea. You're almost forgiven. Let me know what you pick up special for your wife this weekend and then we'll talk about totally!!! :-)

Someone else - That is our plan. For the family as well as Faith and Sierra individually. Sierra's struggling with a mom that ignores he alot when she visits her. Right now, she's wonderfully OK with having me as step-mom, but we just want to alleviate as many problems as we can as these girls grow up even more! I was rotten to my step-mom - I'm ready, but We're also hoping to soften the teenage blows a bit!!!!
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#809521 - 09/05/07 07:24 PM Re: Input pretty please Beige
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What you are doing (or considering doing) is very admirable. This little girl needs a loving, stable home life and sounds like you are the only ones stepping up to give that to her. Best of luck to all of you!
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#809549 - 09/05/07 07:48 PM Re: Input pretty please Bones
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Good advice here, and God Bless those children (both of them) and you all for doing an awesome thing in a very, very difficult situation. You both sound like good people.
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#809552 - 09/05/07 07:53 PM Re: Input pretty please Bones
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Like everyone here, Good Luck!!!! Faith is a lucky kid. IMO you should consult with a lawyer to CYA.

You did not mention Faiths father?? As you see to often in the papers the father could come back into teh picture.
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#809605 - 09/05/07 08:26 PM Re: Input pretty please bubs63
Beige Offline
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I don't believe he has ever been in the picture. I'm not sure if Amanda even knows who he is. I'll check into that too!!
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#809636 - 09/05/07 08:45 PM Re: Input pretty please Beige
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Good advise here, just one more thing to keep in mind. You may want to look into some counseling for this lovely child, she has been thru so much and even at 4 it will surley have affected her. You might also consider at some point some family counseling with all 4 of you to help ease the transition into a new family.

I admire you for even considering this. We talked about doing the same for my husband's niece when her father died and her mother was not capable of taking care of her but never did more than talk. That is something I will probably always regret and wonder what would have happened had we gone past the talking stage.

Good luck, keep us posted and lean on us for support when you need it.
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#809962 - 09/06/07 01:11 PM Re: Input pretty please corkygirl
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what an amazing, wonderful thing you and your husband are doing. that poor child needs you in her life. after all the hardness, i know she will be thrilled with a safe, soft place to land.

keep us posted. you are getting huge prayers from New England.

::hugs::

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#810108 - 09/06/07 02:52 PM Re: Input pretty please Sandy Beech
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Awesome show of kindness, Dr. Bob! I'm an adopted kid and am thankful even know as an adult and a mother that I was blessed because otherwise, it may not have been such a good life. I am grateful to my mom and dad and wish I hadn't been such a rebel in my younger years...oh well..mama wished a kid just like me on me...so she got her wish! LOL!
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#810160 - 09/06/07 03:20 PM Re: Input pretty please RR Joker
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Me too joker!! I was only a couple weeks old, but I can't remember a time when I didn't know. I'm thankful for my parents choosing me and also so thankful my birth mom decided to go the adoption way instead of the abortion way. I ws born in '73 - same year it was leagalized. Thanks birth mom!!! :-)
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#810449 - 09/06/07 06:12 PM Re: Input pretty please Beige
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Late to this thread. Will you still take my 2 cents worth?

Don't hold off on telling Wendy and Scott what you're thinking about. They need to know so they can plan their own lives too. Ask for their support and counsel. They have lived with the child and her mother's coming and goings and can provide valuable insite to what you're considering signing up for.

I wouldn't, however, tell your step-daughter anything about it yet. Kids should be on a need-to-know basis, imo and she doesn't need to know yet.

Good luck and Godspeed. You are truly wonderful to even consider this.

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#810514 - 09/06/07 06:52 PM Re: Input pretty please Truffle Royale
Beige Offline
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Thanks a lot Truff - that's actually something we've been struggling with. On one hand we don't want to get their hopes up and have something not work. On the other hand - who better to help us make a more informed decision.

No plans to tell Sierra until things have moved quite a bit further down the track.

Faith will be spending Saturday night with us this weekend!
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#810583 - 09/06/07 07:34 PM Re: Input pretty please Beige
RR Joker Offline
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Originally Posted By: Dr. Bob
Me too joker!! I was only a couple weeks old, but I can't remember a time when I didn't know. I'm thankful for my parents choosing me and also so thankful my birth mom decided to go the adoption way instead of the abortion way.


Ditto!

My sister was also adopted...6 years before me (no, we're not real sisters)...when my folks told her they were going to go out of town and when they came back they would bring back something live...she was totally disapointed when that "something live" turned out to be me...she was hoping for a lizard! Wasn't too long tho before she was skipping off to the neighbors to tell the news...I think she was 3 days and I was more like 3 weeks...but I've never "not" known.
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#810614 - 09/06/07 07:51 PM Re: Input pretty please RR Joker
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out of the frying pan...
My brother and sister are both adopted but I'm not. My folks thought they couldn't have kids....talk about a suprise! Anyway, they're 2 years apart and both came from the same place run by a Catholic church in OK (folks lived in TX at the time) and I can't remember ever not knowing, and according to them neither do they. If I remember right my brother was a couple of weeks old and my sister was only a few days. Can't say as I've ever considered us not being *real* siblings though - unless you count when my sister and I insist our brother was dropped here by aliens....
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