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#862635 - 11/29/07 03:51 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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The Computer Swallowed Grandma

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'


So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, ''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

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Chat! - BOL Watercooler
#862715 - 11/29/07 04:44 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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A woman in the neighborhood found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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#862749 - 11/29/07 05:14 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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:D! I've heard it called many things, but never a schnauzer!
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#862874 - 11/29/07 06:33 PM Re: Jokes Only Nanwa
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Nanwa - I could post a list?

Children's Science Exam Answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All Water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no Water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
Intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his Adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.G., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the Borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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#863243 - 11/29/07 09:24 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day,

Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:

(1). "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

(2). "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

(3). "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

(4).... And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00

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#863752 - 11/30/07 04:09 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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How do you keep a blonde at home?

Build a circular driveway.

Q: What should never be eaten after it is served?

A: A tennis ball!

An arbitrator is someone who quits Arby's to work at Wendy's!


During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what was the criterion that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

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#863757 - 11/30/07 04:11 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,







The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

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#863783 - 11/30/07 04:21 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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A frog walked into a bank to see the loan officer, Miss Patricia Wack. He said, "Hi! My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm Mick Jagger's son and I need a loan." So Miss Wack asked, "What do you have for collateral?" Jagger pulled out a pink ceramic elephant. Miss Wack went to her boss and said, "There's a frog out here named Kermit Jagger and he wants a loan. All he has for collateral is a pink ceramic elephant. What the heck is this thing anyway?" She handed the elephant to her boss who said, "It's a knick-knack, Patti Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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#863953 - 11/30/07 05:47 PM Re: Jokes Only Nanwa
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New drugs for women:

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h*ll for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out .


P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who cannot remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the commode seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

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#863964 - 11/30/07 05:57 PM Re: Jokes Only *DELETED* °X°
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Not prison
Post deleted by kitten
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#863981 - 11/30/07 06:05 PM Re: Jokes Only kitten
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Wow, what a coincidence, kitten! The exact same thing happened with west texas' father a few days ago! Are the two of you related?
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To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#863992 - 11/30/07 06:08 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
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Not prison
how's that?
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#863999 - 11/30/07 06:11 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
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A few years ago my aunt and uncle took a tour of Europe including Moscow. They would get to each city and have a tourguide come and show them around.

It turns out that before he made it as a ballet star, Rudolf Nuryev supported himself by being a tour guide in Moscow and he was their guide. (My aunt always was so proud of that. Whenever she’d see him dance she’d say that he showed her around Moscow. Conveniently forgettimng to mention that my uncle was there too)

At the time, like all young people who were somewhat supported by the government there Rudolf paid at least lip service to communism.

My Aunt and uncle arrived in Moscow in Late October. It was the last stop on their tour before coming home. Unfortunately the weather had turned unseasonably cold.

Mr Nuryev arrived for the tour (remember he wasn’t famous yet) and my aunt asked if it always snowed in Moscow in October.

Nuryev told her “No snow, is raining”

My aunt, who can be quite stubborn, insisted, “That’s not rain, it’s snow. “

“Nyet”, Mr Nuryev said, (obviously getting upset at her),”is rain”

As my aunt opened her mouth to respond my uncle leaned over and told her “Be quiet, Rudolf the red knows rain dear”

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#864044 - 11/30/07 06:34 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"He's a lawyer, Give Him Back his 50¢."

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#864244 - 11/30/07 08:34 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"



This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia .



You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . .



We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.



You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.



Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)



You gotta love it!!!

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#864389 - 11/30/07 10:10 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, standing next to the sofa guzzling beer and about to watch the game.

"Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you Its called A Goony bird!"

The husband was stunned He looked at the unusual creature and said "Gooney Bird my a##!"

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#864422 - 11/30/07 10:34 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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Q: Why is Santa Claus always happy and jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!
(Thanks Copper Top! We miss you on BOL!)

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#864513 - 11/30/07 11:51 PM Re: Jokes Only Imagine
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

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#864613 - 12/01/07 06:45 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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6 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hXll?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".!



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



The children had all been photographed, and ! the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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#864619 - 12/01/07 07:23 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important interview, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person?s condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away, as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked", I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"

So, I did.............

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#864621 - 12/01/07 07:32 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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#864834 - 12/03/07 04:27 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing
how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When
he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put
yours down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into
a room, people say Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The
first three women give her this subtle "Well"....? She
replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say.........
"OH MY GOD"

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#865284 - 12/03/07 10:28 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into " Jackson County" language,.... no joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN. )

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
______

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" ...
_______

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"


1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You're not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a real witch
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


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#866545 - 12/05/07 03:16 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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nice
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#866857 - 12/05/07 06:35 PM Re: Jokes Only Sound Tactic
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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."..
_____

Q: What do you call an intelligent, attractive, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
_____

ADVICE TO WOMEN


If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section, buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it's not quite as good as his mother made it, buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want, buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies, buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, big breasts or small, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to and loves you unconditionally and perpetually, buy a dog.

But on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around at night, only comes home to eat and sleep and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... then, my friend... buy a cat. Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.

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