My husband used to do a "social worker" sort of job in which he dealt with teens that had been in the court system. In the course of his work, he befriended a lady and her two sons; one is seventeen and the other is about fourteen. This lady and her sons live in squalor in an old trailer with no running water, beer cans everywhere, etc. She does, however, own some land that my husband has been deer hunting on every so often since October. Back in the spring, this woman had a dispute with her neighbor and my husband wrote a letter for her to take to court vouching for her character, which I thought was a little much, since really he doesn't "know" her (he's known her for about a year). Well, now, she has shot this man (he lived) and has been charged with battery and destruction of evidence. She called our house last night and asked him if he would be a character witness for her. He's going to do it, of course, but the whole situation unnerves me. They are not "our kind of people", and I feel like he is so gullible and feels sorry for people sometimes, that he rushes into things without thinking. Also, I found out from someone that she had shot a man in a similar situation about 20 years ago and got away with it (I told my husband about this, and he didn't react to it, and she hasn't bothered to mention it to him). I don't think that there is anything "improper" going on, but, like I said, I don't like the situation at all. I just wondered if there is anything I can do to help me deal with it in a positive way, or if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Whenever I try to comment on him not getting involved, he says that I'm a "snob" and that I don't like them because they are poor. I just feel like he is being used and may be "vouching" for someone that he really doesn't know as well as he thinks he does.

I was feeling some sympathy for you until the "not our kind of people" remark. Perhaps you ARE being a bit snobby. Living in poverty does not equate to poor character. Without knowing the circumstances of why she shot this guy, I'm not going to judge. I think the best avenue for you might be some couseling. If your husband stays in this type of career, you will run into these situations from time to time and perhaps you can find a way to deal with your issues.

You are probably right about running into this situation again. By the "not our kind of people" remark, I meant people that are in trouble with the law frequently, and have a different way of life. The man was not on her property and had never set foot on her property. He was out on the road going to his mailbox. Was he doing something to harrass her and her son? Possibly, but since when is shooting a man's dog and killing it (her son did that) and shooting a man in the HEAD (she did that part) a good way to resolve an issue? I don't resolve problems that way. That was what I meant by "not our kind of people".

PS. I agree, living in poverty does not equate to poor character.

I'd stay far, far away...they sound crazy to me...I don't care how they live!

Yes, I agree. Very "rough" people. I realize that not everyone gets a fair shake in life, but it makes me nervous to associate with someone who is capable of violence. That man never laid a hand on her, and he was 60 something years old, and did not have a weapon when she shot him. Is the picture a bit clearer now? I'm so glad at least one person agrees with me!!!!!

there are an awful lot of poor folks who don't go around shooting other people. The two subjects have absolutely nothing to do with each other, IMHO.

How can you deal with it????? I'm not sure....While poverty isn't used to measure character....shooting 2 people might be. I don't know the circumstances involving each situation, but I can certainly understand your concern.

With that said, hon, your husband is a grown man. I guess all you can do is what you've already done...

It sounds like your husband is equating his relationship with her to work. By what you have indicated, he's probably trying to help them change the path they are going down. As long as your husband is honest about what he knows her character to be, I wouldn't worry.

Ok, that makes me feel better. I think the case against her is going to be pretty much an uphill battle for her attorney. I will just try to keep my mouth shut and let him do his thing. I know he wants to help, but I think in some cases there just isn't much you can do for someone.

I have to agree with this. But I am also wondering what someone who has shot someone in the past was doing with a gun. I would think that they wouldnt be allowed to have guns. I feel bad for the kids.

She got away with the shooting prior to this one because she said that her dog "hit the gun and made it go off". I suppose the jury couldn't prove or disprove this, so she was not convicted. I feel bad for the kids too. The younger son seems like a nice kid. But then again, the older one seemed ok too, and then he shot that guy's dog.

Maybe you are being a little judgemental? Do you know all of the facts involved in both cases? For your husband to stand up for this woman and her family he must see something that you're not.

Maybe so. Of course I don't know all the facts of both cases. I guess I am just worried because my husband is sometimes TOO kind and trusting. As long as he is not going to cast a shadow on himself by standing up for this person, I am ok with it. We live in a small town though, and I don't care what anyone says, appearances DO matter to a certain degree. Maybe if I were in his situation and knew more about the family, I would be willing to stand up in court and sing their praises. Who knows? But with the information that I have, I am really questioning the character of this woman. What are the odds that you shoot TWO people in your lifetime, much less ONE person?

Maybe you should sit down and talk to your husband about this a little more. Explain your concerns and that you think appearances do matter, and that you really want to understand his point of view regarding this woman and her character.

I've tried that, kind of. He's dead set on doing it. I guess I just have to accept his decision. The thing that I haven't mentioned yet is that he's a brain tumor survivor. He had a benign tumor removed from his brain about 17 years ago, and he does have some deficits in certain areas. I didn't know him before the surgery, but he has said that it changed his personality. He's impulsive and at times like a child.
Very trusting. He's already gotten himself into a few jams in the five years we've been together. I guess I should have mentioned this before. I worry about his judgement. He is ruled by emotions and hardly uses his logic at all.

You've stated that your husband has made up his mind, so I don't know if this matters at all, but I would be concerned about him testifying when he doesn't actually know her that well. A decent attorney may be able to see that and could potentially rip his testimony apart in an attempt to damage his credibility. If he doesn't know such and such about her, how well does he really know her, and how well can he really vouch for her character. I would consult your own lawyer, especially in light of his injuries. Testifying can be very difficult and because he's impulsive and childlike, he may say something damaging without realizing it.

I worry about this too. Any good attorney is going to rip right into him. The other thing is, we are new to this town (been here two years) and have our own upcoming court case because the guy that built and sold us our house ripped us and at least five other people off and we are going to have to testify against him. I worry that our credibility will be RUINED because of my husband's association with this woman. Our town only has about 3,000 people and the same judge is sitting on our case as on this lady's.

Wow - I think you have valid concerns. Maybe a lawyer will be able to get through to him since you haven't been able to. Sometimes it takes an outside professional opinion. Good luck to you!

Peachy, you really seem to have your mind made up. So I wonder what you want from the posters here?

Whether you're looking for advice, a shoulder or just an ear, feel free to keep coming here, Peachy.

I think your concerns are valid. Do you have a minister or therapist that you can talk to and get them to speak with your husband? Is there someone he's known since before his illness that can try to help him understand that his involvement in the situation is unlike what it would have been prior to his surgery?

I hate to say it but my first concern was what is this woman, or her son, capable of doing if they feel your husband either renigs or hurts her case? Get your attorney to step in and at the least, direct his testimony if not prevent it from happening at all.

Hang in there.

Thanks for your advice. Maybe I will talk to his mother about it. She may be able to talk some sense into him. Yes, MichelleDawn, my mind is made up, I guess I just wanted to see what other people thought of the situation to see if my concerns were valid, or if I was just overreacting. I live with my husband everyday, so sometimes it's hard for me to sort out whether his behavior is "normal" or if it's irrational due to his brain injury. I am more of a logic based person than my husband, and sometimes I am probably not empathic enough, and my husband seems to be overly emotional, so I lose sight of what is the appropriate level of concern when it comes to a situation like this. Thank you, Truffle, for your advice. And I have thought of the same thing when it comes to this woman being violent towards me or my husband. He may think she is "nice", but it's obvious she is violent when crossed. I will see what I can do to have someone talk sense into him. I go to church regularly, and he refuses to go. I would love to have my minister speak with him, but he would never hear of it.

I have a lot of friends in the social services industry who go out of their way to help folks all the time. They spend a lot of time working with them and doing whatever is necessary to help them be independent folks or put their families back together - whatever the concern is. That said, most of them will not place their personal or professional reputation on the line for someone they don't know very well or aren't certain that they're vouching for facts - not feelings.

You said your husband used to do social work - that implies that he is no longer involved in the "system". He needs to step back and view this as a professional and get his desire to just "help" in any way out of the way. "help" in this case may be standing aside and letting justice take its course. She may very well get the counseling she apparently needs and the kids would be placed where they could see a different sort of life - one where we don't pull out a gun and shoot people who irritate us.

Very well said, Waldensouth!

I didn't mean to imply that she should stop posting, I just didn't know what she was looking for. Peachy, I apologize if I insulted you.