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#926497 - 03/19/08 11:33 PM
Re: Jokes Only
Dip
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
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A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard.
Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"
"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
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#927120 - 03/20/08 06:05 PM
Re: Jokes Only
°X°
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up In her living room and waited for it to say something..
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
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#927804 - 03/21/08 03:08 PM
Re: Jokes Only
°X°
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the [censored] out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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#928185 - 03/21/08 07:06 PM
Re: Jokes Only
°X°
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
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Three Priests are sitting in a park talking shop.
The first priest says "hey everyboddy, why don't we come out and confess our worst sins, I will start with mine."
"I have skimmed off the top of the tithes and bingo proceeds and sometimes go to Vegas to gamble"
The other two gasps, so the second one says, "well I admit that I am bisexual, I have the church secretary as my mistress, even though she is married, and I have a stable of alter boys."
The other two gasps in horror, the third one admits "I can't really tell you"
"Come on" says the first priest"we told you ours, trust us we won't tell a soul"
"Well that's the problem" says the third priest, "I'm an incurable gossip."
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#928209 - 03/21/08 07:19 PM
Re: Jokes Only
°X°
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
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Bubba, a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the U.S., he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. So after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-post bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. ____
Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : “Nothing...? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”
Husband : “I was looking for the expiration date.”
_____
Wife: “You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?”
Hubby: “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”
Wife: “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
Hubby: “Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?”
_____
Stress Reliever Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”
_____
Son: “Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.”
Son: “But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.” _____
A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
_____
Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
_____
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss an d I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: “Thanks for the early warning.”
_____
A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor.”
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#928218 - 03/21/08 07:22 PM
Re: Jokes Only
°X°
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
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The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife; Marrying you screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other that is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~ But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "Go to h$ll."
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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#928441 - 03/22/08 12:07 AM
Re: Jokes Only
chenin
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,120
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A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.
So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."
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#928730 - 03/24/08 04:32 PM
Re: Jokes Only
chenin
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10K Club
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
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What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water??
"I won't get hard right away because I was just laid last night."
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
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#928938 - 03/24/08 07:35 PM
Re: Jokes Only
Retired DQ
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 7,332
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One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you say Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
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#929178 - 03/24/08 10:53 PM
Re: Jokes Only
°X°
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100 Club
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 216
On the concrete
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That one is good X
_________________________
Kharma's a B***H, and so is her sister, Payback. - The Red Chord
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#929207 - 03/25/08 02:51 AM
Re: Jokes Only
SKULLSPLATTER
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,120
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Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said.
"I almost got caught yesterday!"
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#929227 - 03/25/08 11:42 AM
Re: Jokes Only
chenin
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10K Club
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
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An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asked. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman. "Fair enough," said the boss.
"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stared into space for a while then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
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#932660 - 03/28/08 07:33 PM
Re: Jokes Only
Retired DQ
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Gold Star
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 300
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Monks Made a Mistake One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls. "You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
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#932829 - 03/28/08 10:08 PM
Re: Jokes Only
RachelD
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10K Club
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 34,318
under the Lone Star
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wonder if this thread will die a slow death with the absence of _X_?
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Societies that do not find work in and of itself "pleasing to God and requisite to Man," tend to be highly corrupt.
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