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#926496 - 03/19/08 11:31 PM Re: Jokes Only Dip
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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

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#926497 - 03/19/08 11:33 PM Re: Jokes Only Dip
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A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard.

Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

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#927120 - 03/20/08 06:05 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up In her living room and waited for it to say something..

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

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#927131 - 03/20/08 06:10 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her looks as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells....

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

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#927132 - 03/20/08 06:10 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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Wife : "Do you want dinner?"

Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife : "Yes and no."

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#927804 - 03/21/08 03:08 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the [censored] out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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#928185 - 03/21/08 07:06 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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Three Priests are sitting in a park talking shop.

The first priest says "hey everyboddy, why don't we come out and confess our worst sins, I will start with mine."

"I have skimmed off the top of the tithes and bingo proceeds and sometimes go to Vegas to gamble"

The other two gasps, so the second one says, "well I admit that I am bisexual, I have the church secretary as my mistress, even though she is married, and I have a stable of alter boys."

The other two gasps in horror, the third one admits "I can't really tell you"

"Come on" says the first priest"we told you ours, trust us we won't tell a soul"

"Well that's the problem" says the third priest, "I'm an incurable gossip."

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#928209 - 03/21/08 07:19 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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Bubba, a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the U.S., he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. So after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-post bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
____

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : “Nothing...? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband : “I was looking for the expiration date.”

_____

Wife: “You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?”

Hubby: “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”

Wife: “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”

Hubby: “Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?”

_____

Stress Reliever Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”

Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”

Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

_____

Son: “Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”

Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.”

Son: “But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.”
_____

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”

_____

Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”

Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

_____

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss an d I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: “Thanks for the early warning.”

_____

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor.”

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#928211 - 03/21/08 07:20 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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TODAYS STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dryed up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

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#928218 - 03/21/08 07:22 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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The following are entries to a contest by
The Washington Post, in which
respondents had to write a two-line
romantic poem...except that the last
line had to be as un-romantic as
the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to h$ll."

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

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#928436 - 03/21/08 11:48 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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Here are some reasons why it's better to be female...

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a [censored] it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......

Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

Taxis stop for us.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

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#928440 - 03/22/08 12:03 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
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One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

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#928441 - 03/22/08 12:07 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
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A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.


So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.


The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

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#928730 - 03/24/08 04:32 PM Re: Jokes Only chenin
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What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water??

"I won't get hard right away because I was just laid last night."
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#928771 - 03/24/08 04:58 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
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When a woman wears leather clothing,

a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,

he goes weak in the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally,

Ever wonder why?


















She smells like a new truck.

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#928774 - 03/24/08 05:00 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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Nice!
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#928938 - 03/24/08 07:35 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
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One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you say Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."

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#929178 - 03/24/08 10:53 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
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On the concrete
That one is good X
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#929207 - 03/25/08 02:51 AM Re: Jokes Only SKULLSPLATTER
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Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said.

"I almost got caught yesterday!"

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#929208 - 03/25/08 02:59 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
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A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

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#929209 - 03/25/08 03:03 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
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Mrs. Spitzer comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget!

Upset and furious over his actions, Mrs. Spitzer screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, Eliot turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

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#929210 - 03/25/08 03:03 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees (so that he's on her level), and asks:

"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hand s on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit

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#929227 - 03/25/08 11:42 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
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An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asked. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman. "Fair enough," said the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stared into space for a while then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#932660 - 03/28/08 07:33 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
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Monks Made a Mistake

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

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#932829 - 03/28/08 10:08 PM Re: Jokes Only RachelD
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under the Lone Star
wonder if this thread will die a slow death with the absence of _X_?
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