Skip to content
GeoDataVision
Learn More - Click Here!

Page 35 of 73 1 2 33 34 35 36 37 72 73
Thread Options
#934595 - 04/02/08 03:04 PM Re: Jokes Only _°X°_
Pale Rider Offline
10K Club
Pale Rider
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 34,318
under the Lone Star
Originally Posted By: Pale_Rider
A man wins the lottery....



welcome back Green!
_________________________
Societies that do not find work in and of itself "pleasing to God and requisite to Man," tend to be highly corrupt.


Return to Top
Chat! - BOL Watercooler
#934657 - 04/02/08 03:45 PM Re: Jokes Only Pale Rider
B_F Offline
Power Poster
B_F
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 7,228
Cincinnati, OH
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast-bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something-a bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She offers to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

Return to Top
#934661 - 04/02/08 03:47 PM Re: Jokes Only B_F
B_F Offline
Power Poster
B_F
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 7,228
Cincinnati, OH
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.

Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Return to Top
#934756 - 04/02/08 05:00 PM Re: Jokes Only B_F
DeeQ Offline
10K Club
DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

Return to Top
#937363 - 04/07/08 05:51 PM Re: Jokes Only DeeQ
BonoGirl Offline
New Poster
BonoGirl
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1
North North!
A Cure For Shyness


Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
_________________________
... it's the final countdown.

Return to Top
#938315 - 04/09/08 12:25 AM Re: Jokes Only Pale Rider
chenin Offline
Diamond Poster
chenin
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,120
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visit or asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

Return to Top
#938318 - 04/09/08 12:30 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
chenin Offline
Diamond Poster
chenin
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,120
The Bird and the Bees

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey.." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write, due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Return to Top
#938320 - 04/09/08 12:32 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
chenin Offline
Diamond Poster
chenin
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,120
Monkey Business

A little old lady had two pet monkeys for years.
One day one of them died of natural causes.
In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later.

Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"

Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."

Return to Top
#938324 - 04/09/08 12:43 AM Re: Jokes Only chenin
chenin Offline
Diamond Poster
chenin
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,120
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Return to Top
#943337 - 04/16/08 07:06 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
Bacon Boy Offline
10K Club
Bacon Boy
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 13,244
Stuck w/Avatar
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston...a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. I have just arrived and
checked in. They have computers here now, and you can send emails to your loved ones.

Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here!!
_________________________
It's called a nap, Susan Lucci!

Return to Top
#943798 - 04/16/08 11:55 PM Re: Jokes Only Bacon Boy
Snowgirl Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 714
Poker




Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.



Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'


Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.


She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'



After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.



When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.



As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'



With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'



Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'



Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'



Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

Return to Top
#943818 - 04/17/08 12:36 AM Re: Jokes Only Snowgirl
Blessed Offline
Diamond Poster
Blessed
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,389
USA
OMG Seriously, earlier today I was cleaning out my email at work and read these....
_________________________
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Return to Top
#943853 - 04/17/08 03:48 AM Re: Jokes Only Blessed
chenin Offline
Diamond Poster
chenin
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,120
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Return to Top
#945419 - 04/18/08 02:08 PM Re: Jokes Only chenin
Little Miss BSA Offline
Diamond Poster
Little Miss BSA
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 1,185
Miami
Happy Friday everybody. I just wanted to sahe a joke that my 11 year old daughter sent me last night.

The Mama Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mama, how do you know all
this stuff, you are so smart.' I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mama Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mama.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
_________________________
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option!"

Return to Top
#960358 - 05/16/08 03:37 PM Re: Jokes Only Little Miss BSA
TXBSA Offline
100 Club
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 170
TX
Thought it was time to bring back the jokes thread since it was one of my faves.... here is one I got in my email.

The Tomato Company

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company
like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process
several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs teen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

Return to Top
#960361 - 05/16/08 03:39 PM Re: Jokes Only TXBSA
TXBSA Offline
100 Club
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 170
TX
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

Return to Top
#960381 - 05/16/08 03:48 PM Re: Jokes Only TXBSA
TXBSA Offline
100 Club
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 170
TX
The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

Return to Top
#960389 - 05/16/08 03:57 PM Re: Jokes Only TXBSA
TXBSA Offline
100 Club
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 170
TX
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Return to Top
#963950 - 05/22/08 07:16 PM Re: Jokes Only TXBSA
TXBSA Offline
100 Club
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 170
TX
Bump

Return to Top
#963971 - 05/22/08 07:31 PM Re: Jokes Only TXBSA
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,596
The psych ward
Summary Of My Last Year On The Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 that was dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
_________________________
No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

Return to Top
#963986 - 05/22/08 07:45 PM Re: Jokes Only 'Lil Freak!
GuitarDude Offline
Power Poster
GuitarDude
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 5,924
So Cal
Good one, Freak. In addition to these, I found out that I am not a true Christian unless I forward Christian-themed emails to everyone in my address book, including the heathens who might criticize me for being a bible-thumper.
_________________________
I've just writed a wrong.

Return to Top
#978620 - 06/19/08 10:21 PM Re: Jokes Only GuitarDude
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,596
The psych ward
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
_________________________
No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

Return to Top
#978629 - 06/19/08 10:46 PM Re: Jokes Only 'Lil Freak!
Bacon Boy Offline
10K Club
Bacon Boy
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 13,244
Stuck w/Avatar
Hork!!!
_________________________
It's called a nap, Susan Lucci!

Return to Top
#978630 - 06/19/08 10:54 PM Re: Jokes Only Bacon Boy
Tigg Offline
Power Poster
Tigg
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,389
Looking for My Happy Place....
ROFLMAO!!! ::wipes tears from eyes::
_________________________
What would you do if you knew you could not fail? ~ Dr. R Schuller

My opinion only.

Return to Top
#986413 - 07/02/08 02:56 AM Re: Jokes Only Tigg
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,596
The psych ward
Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
> for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
> diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,
> at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the
> colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I
> nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
> brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP
> YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
> a product called 'MoviPrep', which comes in a box large enough to hold a
> microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
> to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
> enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
> had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
> together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm
> water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
> gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
> because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
> spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
> your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but:
> Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
> experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
> commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to
> the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
> you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
> MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
> future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
> wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
> about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
> MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
> apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
> totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
> room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
> curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
> garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on,
> makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
> lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't though of this, but then I pondered
> what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
> so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
> choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
> Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there some where. I
> was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
> and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
> hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
> could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be
> the least appropriate.
>
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,'
> I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
> decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
> you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking
> 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I
> was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
> looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
> more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had
> passed with flying colors.
>
> I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Last edited by 'Lil Freak!; 07/02/08 03:30 AM.
_________________________
No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

Return to Top
Page 35 of 73 1 2 33 34 35 36 37 72 73