I cannot remember where this came from, but I had it saved in Word file dated year 2000. I laughed 'til I cried. It may have come from this forum. Regardless, it's still timely. Enjoy (my personal favorites in red).

Things Compliance Officers wish they could say at work

• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself.
• I'm really easy to get along with once your people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• No my powers can only be used for good.
• You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
• And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be ...?
• Do I look like a people person?
• This isn't an office. It's Hades with fluorescent lighting.
• You! Off my planet!
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinade in it?
• Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• You're educated beyond usefulness.

I think more than anything I would like to say something to the effect of, "are you seriously that stupid" and then turn and walk away.

Compliance Officers should invest in a copy of Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions put out by the same publisher as MAD Comics, Alfred E. Newman and Spy vs. Spy.

so many of those are transerable to the cooler......

i.e. - Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.....

I used to have a sign in my office that said . . . .


Don't ask the question if you cannot handle to answer.

ala Jack Nicholson..........

oh..so many good ones on that list! thanks for the laugh, swiggles!

I always lie to employees, saying "I don't consider any question a stupid question, so please ask."

"Understanding standard written English wasn't a skill your college required?"

I need an answer that is gratifying but won't get me fired to the question, "Now that you have found and identified that issue can I just backdate/doctor/fix/create a new one before the examiners see it?"

Perfect timing with your post! I am going to read some of these at my Compliance Committee meeting this afternoon.

I usually just say something like "there is no fix...it's wrong..period...just thought you should know so maybe you'd think first next time."

Right. Improperly 'fixing' files will get you into more trouble than not doing them correctly in the first place. IMHO

Especially appropo with RORs. Like the one I got last week on the 1st with the confirmation signed and dated the 3rd.
LO's response when I called him on it? 'Oh, you weren't suppossed to get that yet.'
Ya' think???!!!
Then he followed up with 'but if I just get it resigned it'll fix it, right?'
Ah, no. You gave them a copy with the closing package right? How long do you think it'll take any half-witted attorney to zero in on the fact that they now have THREE YEARS to rescind?

I'll stop trying to come up with something to say if someone will just hand me a glock.

I have a sign in my office that says this:

I fully realize that I have not succeeded in answering all of your questions…

Indeed, I feel I have not answered any of them completely. The answers I have found only serve to raise a whole new set of questions, which only lead to more problems, some of which we weren’t even aware were problems.

To sum it all up… In some ways I feel we are as confused as ever, but I believe we are confused on a higher level, and about more important things.

Great one, Cessna.

Things I wish I could say:
"I am sorry that this person waited 31 days to make their payment that was due on the 1st. We may refund a late fee, but we do not change our reporting to credit bureaus. You are asking us to back date the payment and make it look like they made it on Friday the 30th." when asked about changing a derogatory payment history on a credit report.

Oh, wait. I actually said that. And it felt good.

My favorite / most frequent:

OK, here is what you have to do. No, I won't do it for you, that's your job.

I can help you figure out how to do it, but you actually have to do your job.

some of your compliance folks need to assume the moniker of Dr. No!

That's what I SAY...but it is a far cry from what I would LIKE to say!

I like to use the term "fatal" error (an error that cannot be cured or "fixed"). Use of the word "fatal" usually produces a sharp intake of air on the part of the offendee.

Likes that ^^^^

These are not limited to Compliance Officers - I work in Security and Fraud and bite my tongue every minute of the day at the stupidity!

Just in case you are having a rough day, trying to cope with the loonies, here is a stress management technique used traditionally in Sicily .

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you fell better.

1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Then, picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world..

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique..