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#132440 - 11/19/03 06:01 PM Funny stuff
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
You're gonna hate me for this one, but I thought it was cute!!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says,
"Mrs.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he
wants
to borrow..

The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger,
his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he
will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has
anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager
and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean,
what the heck is this?"


(are you ready?)


(you're gonna hate me)


The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
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#132441 - 11/19/03 06:14 PM Re: Funny stuff
Miss Dixie Offline
Member
Miss Dixie
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 62
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"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman

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#132442 - 11/19/03 06:52 PM Re: Funny stuff
Okie Dokie Offline
Platinum Poster
Okie Dokie
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 798
Where do find all of these elena?
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Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. ~Author Unknown

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#132443 - 11/19/03 07:19 PM Re: Funny stuff
D2Xs Offline
Power Poster
D2Xs
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,706
Here is a joke for both sexes. I'm an equal opportunity offender.

One day Mr. and Ms. Perfect wake up in their perfect house in their perfect neighborhood. They get ready for their perfect jobs. As they are carpooling to work in their perfect car they notice a man stranded on the side of the road stuck in a snow bank. So..being perfect they stop to help him out. They find out it is Santa Clause. So being perfect they agree to help him finish delivering toys. So as they are cruising along they hit some ice, lose control and crash. Now only one person survived. Guess who....



































Mrs. Perfect survives, why? because we all know Santa Clause isn't real and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Continued.....





























However, we also can determine that the woman was driving. That's why there was an accident and the man told her to slow down proving that women never listen to men anyway.

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Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

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#132444 - 11/19/03 09:30 PM Re: Funny stuff
Anonymous
Unregistered

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans went to the mall. Roy bought new shoes and when he got home, left the shoe box on the back porch. (They do that on the ranch). The next morning, Dale discovered the shoes torn to bits and a cat slinking accross the back yard. She said....... " Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

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#132445 - 11/20/03 07:52 PM Re: Funny stuff
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
I have some great email buddies. Here is another one.


This one is for all of you who either:
a) have kids (or will someday)
b) had kids who have now grown
c) were once a kid
d) know a kid!

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and
stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied,
(hee-hee)



"What happened to my booger?"
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#132446 - 11/21/03 12:39 PM Re: Funny stuff
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
Subject: First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."


And So The Holiday Season Begins....
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#132447 - 11/21/03 02:22 PM Re: Funny stuff
renniks Offline
Diamond Poster
renniks
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 2,162
New England
Maria...that joke is the funniest one so far!!! I needed a good laugh this morning!

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#132448 - 11/21/03 02:24 PM Re: Funny stuff
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
Maria, that's hysterical, and already winging it's way to my other email pals. Thanks
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#132449 - 11/21/03 02:36 PM Re: Funny stuff
RBanker Offline
Power Poster
RBanker
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 2,675
Austin Texas
I love you guys - I was told this morning I needed to move my office by Tuesday (YIKES!!!) and really needed the laghter to pick me up.
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My comments are absolutely no reflection of, nor influenced by, my employer - take them at your own risk.

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#132450 - 11/21/03 02:40 PM Re: Funny stuff
Anonymous
Unregistered

Before Michael Jackson surrendered yesterday, he stopped at Wal-mart where boys shorts were half off.

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#132451 - 11/21/03 03:13 PM Re: Funny stuff
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
Quote:

Before Michael Jackson surrendered yesterday, he stopped at Wal-mart where boys shorts were half off.




Now that's BAD!
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#132452 - 11/21/03 03:14 PM Re: Funny stuff
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
Quote:

Before Michael Jackson surrendered yesterday, he stopped at Wal-mart where boys shorts were half off.




_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#132453 - 11/24/03 03:53 PM Re: Funny stuff
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
Thanksgiving story....


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
_________________________
On the road again.....I just can't wait to get on the road again.

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#132454 - 11/26/03 02:08 PM Re: Funny stuff
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#132455 - 11/26/03 02:56 PM Re: Funny stuff
deppfan Offline
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
I Love it.
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#132456 - 11/26/03 04:27 PM Re: Funny stuff
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
Sorry in advance to anyone from CA, but my sister-in-law just moved to L.A. and I thought this was too funny to pass up. (Hey! Is Pot Illegal?!? )

GOOD OL' CALIFORNIA

Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, &Texan jokes...You know

you're in California when...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 A.M. at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George
Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment...and check
that fire insurance!

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in
drag.

17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?!?

18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH 2003".

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks
himself is teaching the 4:00 P.M. Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents; and you carry a fire
extinguisher.

22. Hey! Is Pot Illegal?!?

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

24. The Terminator is your new governor
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#132457 - 11/26/03 04:36 PM Re: Funny stuff
Anonymous
Unregistered

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

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#132458 - 11/26/03 04:47 PM Re: Funny stuff
Okie Dokie Offline
Platinum Poster
Okie Dokie
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 798
These are too funny!!!
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Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. ~Author Unknown

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#132459 - 11/26/03 05:12 PM Re: Funny stuff
Princess Romeo Offline

Power Poster
Princess Romeo
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 8,272
Where the heart is
elena - Those are ALL so TRUE!!!!!!
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CRCM,CAMS
Regulations are a poor substitute for ethics.
Just sayin'

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