A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs as soon as possible due

to very serious health risks.

As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad

in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he
calls

them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.




The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady
dressed
in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.




She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads,

"If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing

and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After
they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way

this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two
days and the same thing happens.




On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5- day /

20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,




"If you catch me, you can have me."




He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is
worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine

happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he
has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.




He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day /
50
pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.

"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."




The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
a
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a
sign around his neck that reads,




"If I catch you, you're mine."

WOW!

Haha, I knew where that one was leading!

LOL... I bet that man never ran so fast.

> > >She spent the first day packing her belongings
> into boxes, crates and
> >suitcases.
> > >
> > >On the second day, she had the movers come and
> collect her things.
> > >
> > >On the third day, she sat down for the last time
> at their beautiful
> >dining room table, by candlelight, put on some soft
> background music,
> >and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
> and a bottle of
> >Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into
> each and every room
> >and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped
> in caviar, into the
> >hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up
> the kitchen and left.
> > >
> > >When the husband returned with his new
> girlfriend, all was bliss for
> >the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to
> smell. They tried
> >everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place
> out. Vents were
> >checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam
> cleaned. Air fresheners
> >were hung everywhere.
> > >
> > >Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
> canisters, during which
> >they had to move out for a few days, and in the end
> they even paid to
> >replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
> worked.
> > >
> > >People stopped coming over to visit.
> > >
> > >Repairmen refused to work in the house.
> > >
> > >The maid quit.
> > >
> > >Finally, they could not take the stench any
> longer and decided to move.
> > >
> > >A month later, even though they had cut their
> price in half, they could
> >not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got
> out, and eventually,
> >even the local Realtors refused to return their
> calls. Finally, they had
> >to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
> purchase a new place.
> > >
> > >The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things
> were going. He told
> >her the saga of the rotting house. She listened
> politely, and said that
> >she missed her old home terribly, and would be
> willing to reduce her
> >divorce settlement in exchange for getting the
> house back.
> > >
> > >Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell
> was, he agreed on
> >price that was about 1/10 of what the house had
> been worth, but only if
> >she were to sign the papers that very day. She
> agreed, and within the
> >hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
> > >
> > >A week later the man and his girlfriend stood
> smiling as they watched
> >the moving company pack everything to take to their
> new home, including
> >the curtain rods.
> > >
> > >I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU

COWS



Is it just me, or does anyone else find it
amazing that our government can track a cow born in
Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington And they
tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country.



Maybe we should give them all a cow.

That's funny...I'm forwarding it to my dad. He's on the state's advisory council for the new program that will microchip all cattle bought or sold in a sale in the state. We have two of the three largest cattle auction yards (as far as number of cattle bought/sold per week) in the country. This is huge...and pretty scary.

Cool. I bought stock in one of those chip tracking companies a few years back, and I'm waiting for it to take off.

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that $hit again."

Now that's funny!! (unless you're the priest)

Very funny!!!!!!

watch out, BF might go into a rant about how you are bashing religion...

Can we start posting more jokes? I don't know where you people find them but keep 'em coming. (as much as I don't want to say it, this is actually a meaningful contribution that X excels at)

The Dying Pastor
An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."