Two men walked into a bar. The 3rd one ducked.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"

A man is sitting at the bar, and in front of him is a 12 inch piano player. The guy sitting next to him says "whats with the little piano player?" The guy responds "I followed a rainbow to the end, found a pot of gold and the leprechaun, and he told me he would grant me one wish. I didn't know he was hard of hearing." (for those of you who are slow, a 12 inch pianist)

this one always makes me giggle - even though it is so stupid.

LOL How come I don't get this one?? I must be sooo stupid..

KK, horses have long faces...

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

ba-dump-bump...

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks and says "we don't serve ropes in here." The rope goes outside, ties himself up and messes up his hair. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks and says "Aren't you the rope I just kicked out of here?" The rope replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

::groan::

These are the cleanest bar jokes I've ever heard... wow.


A seal walks into a club

you can thank the moderators for that...bet they bounce your avatar before the day is out

John Kerry walked into a bar in Texas. He did not survive.

[quote=Devil Queen]KK, horses have long faces... [/quote

geez, i'm embarrassed now..

Petros the Archaeologist

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italians, in the weeks that followed, Turkish scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines in Turkish newspapers read: "Turkish archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Italians."

One week later, "The Kathimerni", a Greek newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in fields near Athens, Petros Petropoulos, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Petros has therefore concluded that 300-years ago, Greeks were already using wireless."

Yassou, Petros!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away... Florida or
the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died. After he works
on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just [censored] in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied
in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to
a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left
shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow
and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone
calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY..........
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded
by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

_____

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible..

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to [censored]?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
_____

CORPORATE LESSON 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which
one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel
that you have on"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who
was that?"

"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk in time with your shareholders, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.


CORPORATE LESSON 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


CORPORATE LESSON 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.


CORPORATE LESSON 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was
promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** may get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

Sadly, this one always makes me laugh.

You are one sick puppy.

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, the a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."

The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised wach other that we'd all drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me." The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way. One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."
The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking."

As opposed to one empty headed bag of hot air like you?

At least puppies are cute.

I'm cute!

I like your avatar, but what does ONOZ stand for?

I think it might be Oh no! in l33t sp34k

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender 'Do you have any grapes?'
The bartender says 'no sorry, we don't have grapes'. The duck leaves.
The next day, the same duck walks into the same bar and asks 'do you have any grapes?', to which the bartender replies, 'no I told you yesterday that we don't have grapes.' The duck leaves.

This goes on day after day.

After several days of this, the duck walks into the bar again, but before he can say anything, the bartender says 'if you ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your feet to the bar. Now what would you like?'

The duck says 'do you have any nails?' The bartender says 'no'.

Then the duck says 'do you have any grapes?'

Celine Dion walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"