Well, I can say very comfortably that the ABA/AML conference is not going to meet all of your objectives. However, it will come closer than any currently available alternative. It's the only national program that I always attend; I'm already registered and plan to post daily blogs on BOL.
It gives me a chance to hear nationally known speakers and get their views on recent, current and expected developments. Some are excellent speakers. Some could bore the bark off a tree. Yet, most of them have knowledge and exposure that is simply not available elsewhere and I do not go there to be entertained. I pick my live sessions carefully and purchase recordings of those I wish I could have attended.
BSA exams vary incredibly among banks, even banks with the same regulatory agency. Like you, I resent the "Gotcha" approach. Many BSA officers would put in place any regulatory suggestion made in writing, if they knew it would get them through an exam unscathed. So, why not tell you in advance what they want rather than when they come through the door? There are only two places where an inkling of the unwritten is available, at this conference and on BOL.
All I can say is that the conference gives me the opportunity to listen and talk to the people who guide the examination process. (It also gives me the opportunity to sit through 6 - 10 vendor demos each year with a minimum amount of hassle.) Some years I am more pleased than others. Some years my best knowledge nuggets came from a conversation in the hall or a remark made by a vendor. In any case, I regard it as time well spent.
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In this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.