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#292164 - 12/22/04 06:46 PM Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
someone else Offline
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someone else
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,300
back to my roots
Hello all! I would like a little feedback on a situation I have going on in my personal life.

I have joint custody of my son. His father and I were never married and have always gotten along fairly well (for the child's sake). We have heretofore always had joint birthday parties for my son as well as joint holidays. I've never particularly enjoyed spending time with my ex and his family during the holidays (I think this practice is strange) but I have bitten my tongue and went along with it. I am now involved in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is not at all comfortable with this joint birthday/holiday situation. He does not want to have to sit across the dinner table from the man that fathered my child. I don't blame him. It is very awkward. I told my ex that from now on we need to maintain separate holidays/birthdays out of respect for my boyfriend's feelings. My ex is very upset by this and sees no reason why things should change.

Now part of this difference of opinion may be due to the fact that both my boyfriend and I were raised in split households. We had parents that did not get along. Of course we would never have holidays together. That would be ridiculous! Additionally, most of our friends growing up were in similar situations. My ex on the other hand has never experienced this. His parents are still together.

What are your feelings on this matter? Would you respect the feelings of the person with whom you are in a serious relationship now? (By the way we are getting married next year) Or do you go with the ex's feelings? Keep in mind that my son couldn't care less. He looks at it as just that many more parties and presents...
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#292165 - 12/22/04 06:52 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Retired DQ Offline
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As someone in the same position, I would try to accomodate my current fiance more than my ex-husband. My son's Dad and I also have a good relationship, but, my fiance truly feels uincomfortable around him, and although I have never asked, I am sure that my ex- feels uncomfortable around my fiance.
My ex and I do take my son to certain places: karate, baseball games, etc. together, but we have always had separate family parties. My son does not object to this at all, otherwise I would definitely have to think long and hard about this arrangement.
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#292166 - 12/22/04 06:54 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Skittles Online
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TN
If your son doesn't care, I would say you should respect your boyfriend's feelings. I have no desire to spend any time with my ex-husband and we rarely even see each other now that my son is 17 and drives. I wouldn't like it if my husband did things with his ex-wife and wouldn't dream of putting him in this type of situation.

Good luck.
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#292167 - 12/22/04 06:58 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Anonymous
Unregistered

This matter IS about your son, not you, not the "ex", not the new boyfriend. The boy's life is getting complicated by a set of circumstances that are beyond his doing. I'm sorry for being blunt here. I think your only choice is to continue these joint parties for the sake of your son. New boyfriend will just have to understand. If he doesn't, then you are not ready for a new relationship. Wait until your son is grown. He comes first now.

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#292168 - 12/22/04 07:04 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Anonymous
Unregistered

Quote:

This matter IS about your son, not you, not the "ex", not the new boyfriend. The boy's life is getting complicated by a set of circumstances that are beyond his doing. I'm sorry for being blunt here. I think your only choice is to continue these joint parties for the sake of your son. New boyfriend will just have to understand. If he doesn't, then you are not ready for a new relationship. Wait until your son is grown. He comes first now.




I am wondering something here. If your son does NOT care either way, WHY is your ex upset about it? I agree that this should be about your son...but if the little one could care less, I am thinking perhaps the ex has lingering feelings for you?

You didn't mention a girlfriend/wife of the ex being present at these gatherings. If indeed the ex is still pining away, then he has a few issues he needs to deal with other than where/how to spend the holidays.

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#292169 - 12/22/04 07:08 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
JacF Offline

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I agree that your son's feelings trump all others in this matter. And since you've stated that your son doesn't care either way, I agree with Skittles- go with what is most comfortable for you and your fiancee.

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#292170 - 12/22/04 07:09 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Anonymous
Unregistered

Anon here again. Let me clarify: You should attend the joint parties; leave the boyfriend out. Your boyfriend should at least have this much respect for the relationship between you and your son. If he doesn't or can't, then he's not good for you. Again, your son comes first.

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#292171 - 12/22/04 07:14 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Beagles22 Offline
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If your son does not care either way, I say split the divide. Your ex can do the holiday with your son, and you can do the holiday with your son but not together. I agree with your boyfriend, I wouldn't want you there either. It would seem very odd to me that you would need to spend time every holiday with your ex. Your son, of course, should spend time with his father as you already said he would. If I were the boyfriend I would expect if the relationship was going somewhere you would spend the holiday with me.
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#292172 - 12/22/04 07:21 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
someone else Offline
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Yes, of course my son comes first! There has never been any question there. And as I stated earlier, he doesn't really care either way. I mean, if he had his perfect world, everyone he has ever known, including his Kindergarten teacher, would all live in the same house. But we all know that is not realistic. As for the parties, to him it is an opportunity to get more gifts and be the center of attention. He's a very happy little boy.

As for my ex - he is, shall we say, very right-brained. Full of fanciful ideas; there is not a realistic bone in his body. That alone would not be so bad except that he never really learned social skills growing up so he has trouble deciphering what is and is not socially appropriate. I do not believe there are any feelings left for me in him (although my boyfriend seems to think so). He just thinks that we should all be able to get along and all be one happy family. Ewww! I tried to explain - he is NOT my family. Just because he is my son's father does not make him family to me. I will always respect his position in my son's life (as well as in mine) but that does not mean we have to be all warm and cozy together. He just thinks I am being a b#$%^ about this and says he wonders just what else I will consider changing now that there is a new guy in my life. (BTW, my guy and I have been seeing each other for 2 1/2 years but he was deployed with the Air Force for the entire holiday season as well as my son's birthday last year so this was never an issue).

I really am trying to be understanding of his feelings in this matter, but my future has been dedicated to my son and my boyfriend. Not my ex. So I feel that their feelings should count more. And, like another poster noted, we attend his sporting events together, and went to his parent-teacher conference together. I try very hard to put my personal feelings aside for the sake of my son where his father is concerned but I want to put my foot down on this. Further thoughts?
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#292173 - 12/22/04 07:24 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
someone else Offline
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someone else
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back to my roots
One more note: we always make sure that each parent gets to spend time with our son on each and every holiday. Even if it is my time with him, I make sure he sees his father and vice versa. Birthdays are the same.
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#292174 - 12/22/04 07:26 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Cathy P Offline
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Holidays can be separate, but in my opinion, your son's birthday party could certainly be together. I don't know if you invite extended family to his parties, but I don't see why your fiance should be upset to see your son enjoy his birthday party with you, his father and all of his extended family (possibly including fiance's family).

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#292175 - 12/22/04 07:29 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
someone else Offline
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Cathy P - thanks for the possible compromise. That is the one occasion all year long that is specifically devoted to him. I guess we will have to see.

Any other compromises that can be thought of?
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#292176 - 12/22/04 07:42 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Retired DQ Offline
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Quote:

Anon here again. Let me clarify: You should attend the joint parties; leave the boyfriend out. Your boyfriend should at least have this much respect for the relationship between you and your son. If he doesn't or can't, then he's not good for you. Again, your son comes first.




Anon, sorry, but please come back to earth...
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#292177 - 12/22/04 07:43 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Anonymous
Unregistered

Couldn't he spend Xmas Eve with his Dad and Xmas with you? That could be another compromise. I understand your current boyfriend's feelings. It would be great if we lived in a perfect world, but we don't. I think your ex should try and understand your feelings. Is he single? Would his girlfriend feel a little funny spending the holidays with you?

It's great that his Dad still wants to spend time with his son - mine didn't. I guess my situation made it a little easier for everyone!

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#292178 - 12/22/04 07:44 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Cat Woman Offline
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Sorry - that last post was me.

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#292179 - 12/22/04 07:47 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
someone else Offline
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someone else
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back to my roots
No, my ex is single. I keep trying to tell him that his feelings on this matter will change when he has found "The One" but right now he swears that if some girl he was dating felt uncomfortable around me that he just wouldn't date her...yeah right...

And this year, he will be spending part of Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day with his father, even though it is my week with him. Like I said, I really do make every effort to make things smooth. I just don't think that I should have to go over to his house and I don't want him coming over to mine.
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#292180 - 12/22/04 07:51 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Snowqueen Offline
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I fortunately never had to make a decision like this. I think you should start having the occasions seperately. You stated that it didn't make any difference to your son. You need to be firm with your ex on the decision to go seperate for the occasions. You are trying to build a new family for yourself and even though he fathered your son, he is not family. Many children have seperate holidays with their divided families. You are not being selfish by wanting to have the holidays and birthdays seperate from your ex. By the way, are these events usually at your ex's or do you swap places and sometimes they are at your home? It sounds like he wants to keep you included in his life as much as possible.

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#292181 - 12/22/04 08:01 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Cat Woman Offline
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I agree with Snowqueen. Is it possible that he may still have a thing for you? It seems as though he's just trying to make things more difficult than they already are.

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#292182 - 12/22/04 08:06 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Bengals Fan Offline
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The reason your boyfriend is uncomfortable is because the father of your son still owns your time and emotions (via your son) for every holiday. He wants them for himself, and wants to spend the time with you as a family it seems. I don't blame him for not wanting to sit across the table from someone who is a part of your life like that.

You say your son says he doesn't care. How old is he? Are you sure he doesn't really care, or is he trying to pretend he's cool with whatever like many boys do?

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#292183 - 12/22/04 08:08 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Retired DQ Offline
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Someone else, you are right about not having to spend it together. My son's Dad anad I agreed at separation on how we are going to spend the holidays. We sort of came to terms so that my son would have some consistency in his life. Again, you are not responsible any longer for how your ex feels, and if your son doesn't mind, go with what's comfortable.
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#292184 - 12/22/04 08:14 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Bones Offline
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It sounds like you have your priorities straight. You son and his happiness are coming first, which is how it should be. If you haven't done it already, sit down with your son and have a good talk with him about this. Make extra sure that he is OK with you doing things different than usual. I say if your son is OK with everything, that is all you need. The ex will just have to accept it.
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#292185 - 12/22/04 08:33 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Rie A Offline
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Your son should come first, and it sounds like he does.

My ex and I settled on spending all holidays and parties apart whenever possible. One has the boys Christmas Eve and morning and the other has them Christmas day. We switch each holiday every other year, except Mothers Day and Fathers Day.

Any event, like games, concerts, graduations, etc., that can not be split, we both attend.

The boys love this because they each get two birthday parties and twice the Christmas gatherings (ie. presents!).

Now my parents will only get together for the grandchildren's birthday parties and events. They are all cordial, almost friendly, but prefer not to spend time with each other whenever possible.
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#292186 - 12/22/04 09:47 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Truffle Royale Offline

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Just make sure when you ask your son about this you don't lead his answer. My daughter thought she knew what her daughter wanted and it turned out the 7 year old was afraid of hurting either of her parents so she was giving answers she thought they wanted to hear, not what she really felt.

If your son has had all his Christmases this way, make sure he understands what will change. Your son is already used to splitting his time between you and your ex so this is really just an extension of it. Try really hard to not say that it's changing because of your new boyfriend. Your son might resent him if you do.

There's a lot of good advice here. You already know that you've got to do what's best for your son first and you second. The ex and current will have to either accept what you decide to do or not. You can only do so much to make the grown-ups happy.

Hang in there and Merry Christmas!

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#292187 - 12/22/04 10:03 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
someone else Offline
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You are all so wonderful! Really!

I agree that the occasions need to be separate. I don't want to create a false image for my son about the "togetherness" of his father and mother. And there are some serious feelings at stake here. Justified feelings. My son is just about to turn 6 and is exceptional in his communication skills. I have talked to him about this before but he truly doesn't care. In fact, it had never even occurred to him that we were together on holidays. I think I will stick with my original position.

I'll let you know how it goes as I am sure a showdown is coming...
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#292188 - 12/22/04 10:03 PM Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
Skunk Boy Offline
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My parents divorced when I was 4. Both of my parents eventually remarried. The holidays used to consist of about 4-5 Christmas' every year (with each separate family). Now, since my mom lives far away, we have a big Christmas with both my mom and dad (and step mom, and step dad). I can tell you that when I was younger, I probably would have not cared either way. Now a days, I really like having both parents around - it took time but the family gets along now (I often say that my parents get along better then other parents that are still married).

For right now, you probably know what is best. If you decided to have separate holidays - just don't dismiss the option in the future.
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