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#292164 - 12/22/04 06:46 PM
Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,300
back to my roots
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Hello all! I would like a little feedback on a situation I have going on in my personal life.
I have joint custody of my son. His father and I were never married and have always gotten along fairly well (for the child's sake). We have heretofore always had joint birthday parties for my son as well as joint holidays. I've never particularly enjoyed spending time with my ex and his family during the holidays (I think this practice is strange) but I have bitten my tongue and went along with it. I am now involved in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is not at all comfortable with this joint birthday/holiday situation. He does not want to have to sit across the dinner table from the man that fathered my child. I don't blame him. It is very awkward. I told my ex that from now on we need to maintain separate holidays/birthdays out of respect for my boyfriend's feelings. My ex is very upset by this and sees no reason why things should change.
Now part of this difference of opinion may be due to the fact that both my boyfriend and I were raised in split households. We had parents that did not get along. Of course we would never have holidays together. That would be ridiculous! Additionally, most of our friends growing up were in similar situations. My ex on the other hand has never experienced this. His parents are still together.
What are your feelings on this matter? Would you respect the feelings of the person with whom you are in a serious relationship now? (By the way we are getting married next year) Or do you go with the ex's feelings? Keep in mind that my son couldn't care less. He looks at it as just that many more parties and presents...
_________________________
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. - Carl Sagan
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#292165 - 12/22/04 06:52 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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10K Club
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
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As someone in the same position, I would try to accomodate my current fiance more than my ex-husband. My son's Dad and I also have a good relationship, but, my fiance truly feels uincomfortable around him, and although I have never asked, I am sure that my ex- feels uncomfortable around my fiance. My ex and I do take my son to certain places: karate, baseball games, etc. together, but we have always had separate family parties. My son does not object to this at all, otherwise I would definitely have to think long and hard about this arrangement.
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
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#292166 - 12/22/04 06:54 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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10K Club
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,965
TN
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If your son doesn't care, I would say you should respect your boyfriend's feelings. I have no desire to spend any time with my ex-husband and we rarely even see each other now that my son is 17 and drives. I wouldn't like it if my husband did things with his ex-wife and wouldn't dream of putting him in this type of situation.
Good luck.
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#292167 - 12/22/04 06:58 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Anonymous
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This matter IS about your son, not you, not the "ex", not the new boyfriend. The boy's life is getting complicated by a set of circumstances that are beyond his doing. I'm sorry for being blunt here. I think your only choice is to continue these joint parties for the sake of your son. New boyfriend will just have to understand. If he doesn't, then you are not ready for a new relationship. Wait until your son is grown. He comes first now.
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#292168 - 12/22/04 07:04 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Quote:
This matter IS about your son, not you, not the "ex", not the new boyfriend. The boy's life is getting complicated by a set of circumstances that are beyond his doing. I'm sorry for being blunt here. I think your only choice is to continue these joint parties for the sake of your son. New boyfriend will just have to understand. If he doesn't, then you are not ready for a new relationship. Wait until your son is grown. He comes first now.
I am wondering something here. If your son does NOT care either way, WHY is your ex upset about it? I agree that this should be about your son...but if the little one could care less, I am thinking perhaps the ex has lingering feelings for you?
You didn't mention a girlfriend/wife of the ex being present at these gatherings. If indeed the ex is still pining away, then he has a few issues he needs to deal with other than where/how to spend the holidays.
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#292170 - 12/22/04 07:09 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Anon here again. Let me clarify: You should attend the joint parties; leave the boyfriend out. Your boyfriend should at least have this much respect for the relationship between you and your son. If he doesn't or can't, then he's not good for you. Again, your son comes first.
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#292171 - 12/22/04 07:14 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,626
State of confusion
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If your son does not care either way, I say split the divide. Your ex can do the holiday with your son, and you can do the holiday with your son but not together. I agree with your boyfriend, I wouldn't want you there either. It would seem very odd to me that you would need to spend time every holiday with your ex. Your son, of course, should spend time with his father as you already said he would. If I were the boyfriend I would expect if the relationship was going somewhere you would spend the holiday with me.
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Going to church doesn't make you a christian any more that standing in your garage makes you a car.
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#292172 - 12/22/04 07:21 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,300
back to my roots
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Yes, of course my son comes first! There has never been any question there. And as I stated earlier, he doesn't really care either way. I mean, if he had his perfect world, everyone he has ever known, including his Kindergarten teacher, would all live in the same house. But we all know that is not realistic. As for the parties, to him it is an opportunity to get more gifts and be the center of attention. He's a very happy little boy.
As for my ex - he is, shall we say, very right-brained. Full of fanciful ideas; there is not a realistic bone in his body. That alone would not be so bad except that he never really learned social skills growing up so he has trouble deciphering what is and is not socially appropriate. I do not believe there are any feelings left for me in him (although my boyfriend seems to think so). He just thinks that we should all be able to get along and all be one happy family. Ewww! I tried to explain - he is NOT my family. Just because he is my son's father does not make him family to me. I will always respect his position in my son's life (as well as in mine) but that does not mean we have to be all warm and cozy together. He just thinks I am being a b#$%^ about this and says he wonders just what else I will consider changing now that there is a new guy in my life. (BTW, my guy and I have been seeing each other for 2 1/2 years but he was deployed with the Air Force for the entire holiday season as well as my son's birthday last year so this was never an issue).
I really am trying to be understanding of his feelings in this matter, but my future has been dedicated to my son and my boyfriend. Not my ex. So I feel that their feelings should count more. And, like another poster noted, we attend his sporting events together, and went to his parent-teacher conference together. I try very hard to put my personal feelings aside for the sake of my son where his father is concerned but I want to put my foot down on this. Further thoughts?
_________________________
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. - Carl Sagan
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#292173 - 12/22/04 07:24 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,300
back to my roots
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One more note: we always make sure that each parent gets to spend time with our son on each and every holiday. Even if it is my time with him, I make sure he sees his father and vice versa. Birthdays are the same.
_________________________
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. - Carl Sagan
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#292175 - 12/22/04 07:29 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,300
back to my roots
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Cathy P - thanks for the possible compromise. That is the one occasion all year long that is specifically devoted to him. I guess we will have to see.
Any other compromises that can be thought of?
_________________________
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. - Carl Sagan
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#292177 - 12/22/04 07:43 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Couldn't he spend Xmas Eve with his Dad and Xmas with you? That could be another compromise. I understand your current boyfriend's feelings. It would be great if we lived in a perfect world, but we don't. I think your ex should try and understand your feelings. Is he single? Would his girlfriend feel a little funny spending the holidays with you?
It's great that his Dad still wants to spend time with his son - mine didn't. I guess my situation made it a little easier for everyone!
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#292179 - 12/22/04 07:47 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,300
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No, my ex is single. I keep trying to tell him that his feelings on this matter will change when he has found "The One" but right now he swears that if some girl he was dating felt uncomfortable around me that he just wouldn't date her...yeah right...
And this year, he will be spending part of Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day with his father, even though it is my week with him. Like I said, I really do make every effort to make things smooth. I just don't think that I should have to go over to his house and I don't want him coming over to mine.
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Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. - Carl Sagan
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#292183 - 12/22/04 08:08 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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10K Club
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
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Someone else, you are right about not having to spend it together. My son's Dad anad I agreed at separation on how we are going to spend the holidays. We sort of came to terms so that my son would have some consistency in his life. Again, you are not responsible any longer for how your ex feels, and if your son doesn't mind, go with what's comfortable.
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
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#292184 - 12/22/04 08:14 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Power Poster
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,020
Land of Enchantment
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It sounds like you have your priorities straight. You son and his happiness are coming first, which is how it should be. If you haven't done it already, sit down with your son and have a good talk with him about this. Make extra sure that he is OK with you doing things different than usual. I say if your son is OK with everything, that is all you need. The ex will just have to accept it.
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You need an attitude adjustment ---- let me get my tools!
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#292185 - 12/22/04 08:33 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 829
Maryland
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Your son should come first, and it sounds like he does.
My ex and I settled on spending all holidays and parties apart whenever possible. One has the boys Christmas Eve and morning and the other has them Christmas day. We switch each holiday every other year, except Mothers Day and Fathers Day.
Any event, like games, concerts, graduations, etc., that can not be split, we both attend.
The boys love this because they each get two birthday parties and twice the Christmas gatherings (ie. presents!).
Now my parents will only get together for the grandchildren's birthday parties and events. They are all cordial, almost friendly, but prefer not to spend time with each other whenever possible.
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God made the world in only 7 days... but he didn't have any paperwork.
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#292187 - 12/22/04 10:03 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 3,300
back to my roots
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You are all so wonderful! Really!
I agree that the occasions need to be separate. I don't want to create a false image for my son about the "togetherness" of his father and mother. And there are some serious feelings at stake here. Justified feelings. My son is just about to turn 6 and is exceptional in his communication skills. I have talked to him about this before but he truly doesn't care. In fact, it had never even occurred to him that we were together on holidays. I think I will stick with my original position.
I'll let you know how it goes as I am sure a showdown is coming...
_________________________
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. - Carl Sagan
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#292188 - 12/22/04 10:03 PM
Re: Joint birthdays/holidays with ex?
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,896
R.I.P. Chief Illiniwek
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My parents divorced when I was 4. Both of my parents eventually remarried. The holidays used to consist of about 4-5 Christmas' every year (with each separate family). Now, since my mom lives far away, we have a big Christmas with both my mom and dad (and step mom, and step dad). I can tell you that when I was younger, I probably would have not cared either way. Now a days, I really like having both parents around - it took time but the family gets along now (I often say that my parents get along better then other parents that are still married).
For right now, you probably know what is best. If you decided to have separate holidays - just don't dismiss the option in the future.
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We're doing oil changes. Oil changes for EVERYONE!!
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