So, playing on FB the other day, I get a emssage from a young woman who asked if my brother's name was Daniel and if my father's name was John. She said she is looking for her father's family.

Turns out this young lady is my deceased brother's daughter, whom I have never met. She wants to resume contact with our side of the family... we have been chatting and posting on FB in the last couple of days and she has asked me to call her.

I am not sure if I want to proceed with the relationship, as my brother was always in hot water and we, as a family, didn't see him much.

Any suggestions on how to proceed with a relationship like this. I am still kinda shocked about the whole thing...

why not be honest with her and say that you're extremely nervous about the contact, and you'd like to proceed slowly. You should have a way to verify that she is who she claims before meeting her in person. Has anyone in your family met her?

At the same time, don't judge her because your brother was always in hot water. he made those choices, she didn't. And it probably took a lot of nerve for her to reach out and make contact.

BTW - congratulations Auntie! Family is everything...

I knew there was a child of his out there somewhere. And as my bro has been dead for 22 years, no one would really know his name or my dad's (who is also deceased). Also, she remembered my grandmother, who my brother used to live with.

But I like your thoughts, thanks.

I agree with Happy. I would definitely proceed with caution, but I wouldn't write your niece off just because you had a strained relationship with your brother. Who knows, she (and her family) might turn out to be wonderful people who you are grateful to have in your life.

(psst...Aggs, don't push it, after all, they are in New Jersey...not a lot of redeeming value, just sayin')

Wow! I bet you are a little shocked and apprehensive. I can't say that I can totally relate, because my brother and I have always been close. I do know, though - that I can't even imagine what life would be like without my precious nieces and nephew. I think I'd want to at least meet her, just because of that.

About two years ago, I had two adult cousins that I had never met contact me through facebook. In fact, they are sisters and didn't know about each other until they were both college age. I have met one of them in person and I chat a lot with them both. It has been great to get to know each other and they really appreciate knowing their dad's side of the family. You're all adults so I'm sure she'll understand how you're feeling. Good luck!

She wrote my mom a ltter, she should have it by Thurs.

^^like.

Me too... I think it is more appropriate for her to talk to her grandmother before me.

Agreed... it will certainly help with the overall perception of normalcy level of your family.

Thanks Steve.

::punches JJ::

Heart ya!

Deek, a few years back I helped a friend find his birth mother. His adopted mother was very much against it because the mother had Kamron very young and the father was older and a mess and she feared that bringing that kind of stuff on yourself was a waste.
But Kamron really wanted to find her so I found her. They now have a great relationship! I mean...that was 21 years ago at the time when she gave him up and yes, she was a hot mess but she's older now and he's never felt more complete.
You should at least give it a go. It's not the daughters fault her dad was the way he was.

that is so interesting Deeks! Let us know how it goes!

Well, my mother pretty much dissed the whole thing, and said it was too painful for her to ddeal with. I have been in contact via FB with the young lady, she's very hurt by my mother's avoidance.

That's sad... Again, it's misplaced anger/disappointment/pain that is preventing her from meeting her own granddaughter. I feel bad for your niece myself and I'm not even involved in the situation...

I tried to explain that to my mother. She has become a bitter old lady.

That's so sad. I would think she would want contact with her only granddaughter. She is a part of her. Maybe she'll change her mind. I hope so for the young girl's sake. That's gotta stink for her, knowing your own gram wants nothing to do with you. Whatever your mom is thinking is not the girl's fault. She is family, no matter what. It's the Italian way, Baby!

I agree, MM... now my nutcase mother isn't talking to me... geesh. Get over yourself.

That could be a good thing

can't you 2 just talk in your office? sheesh...

DQ - My mother walked out of our lives when I was 10, she left my Dad and her 4 kids for another man. Flash forward many years, she now wants to reconnect with her kids and be a grandma. However, there are several minor details standing in the way...
1. She lives out of the country and refuses to travel to the US other than for short trips, which are never announced in advance, and usually to strange locations that make getting there to see her difficut
2. she has 2 grandkids she's never seen, hasn't seen my 2 kids in 13 years (or me either, for that point). She could literally sit next to either of my boys in an airport and not know who they are
3. She expects everyone to go visit her annually (not gonna happen from my standpoint, to expensive and too hard to get to where she is) or just send our kids her way (yeah, right)
4. She calls me about once every 2-3 years, generally when she has had way too much too drink...although at this point I haven't heard from her since September 2005
5. I'm past the point in my life where I really care if I have a realtionship with her or not, my stepmother is a wonderful lady who has been in my life for 30 years, and the person I send mother's day cards too...

I am off today, dude...

Thanks for the info...

::goes back to pondering the situation::