Being a Banker

Posted By: HRH Okie Banker

Being a Banker - 03/27/09 02:38 PM

50 Things I Have Learned By Being a Banker

1. I know everyone in the world, so I never need to ask for ID.
2. "I'll be with you in one moment," means "Come right up here into my business and breathe your stinky breath in my face for a while."
3. Every bank in the world steals money from its customers, especially the ones that don't keep a register.
4. I'm always kidding when I tell people a check is not any good. I'm a good kidder.
5. I know the balance of every account at the bank.
6. I am at the bank just because I feel like it; my window isn't actually open when I say, "May I help you?"
7. I know everyone's account number.
8. I know everyone's address.
9. I don't understand how banking works.
10. I have to do whatever the person who gave my customer the check said.
11. I don't know how to count.
12. I don't know how to add.
13. I don't know what the date is.
14. I can read everyone's mind.
15. If I ask for your social, I'm trying to steal your identity.
16. I know when every new coin will be arriving.
17. I know how much everyone's bills are for the month.
18. I know the bank is also a post office and a Kinko's.
19. I am immune to all germs. So cough it up on me and your money, I'll be ok.
20. When someone asks how you want your cash back, you are supposed to tell them after you get your money back.
21. Apparently people have different definitions of commercial.
22. Your time is more important than mine. I have no life. When you show up 5 minutes before we close to make 10 deposits or open a new account, we don't mind.
23. Having a close friendship with the President of the Bank does not mean knowing their first name.
24. I am also your secretary.
25. We love to place holds on your checks for fun, we are the only bank that does it.
26. 11 hours is not enough time for people to do their business.
27. I am in charge of the never ending cookies, suckers, and coffee.
28. It is polite to ignore someone when they say hello.
29. It is my fault when someone cuts you in line. I should have been paying attention to you and not your money.
30. I know what a checkingdepositwithdrawal for savings is.
31. Being rude should make me want to help you more.
32. I am not really human, I should not make mistakes.
33. It is okay to go into someone's office when their door is shut.
34. I have a secret collection of licenses in my cubby.
35. I can't hear. I need you to ding the bell 5 times in a row.
36. The sign that says Next Window Please is just for decoration.
37. I make people wait on purpose, it's fun to make them mad.
38. I know everyone's pin number to their ATM card.
38. Fraud isn't real, I should give customers exactly what they want.
39. The coin machine is my favorite thing to do.
40. The bank gives out free poinsettias at Christmas, we order them for you, not the bank. Display only means whatever you want it to mean.
41. Please and Thank You are forbidden words at the bank. We hate to hear them.
42. Checking and Savings deposit slips are EXACTLY the same, we just like the color pink and wanted to make them pretty. Marking through the word savings changes the deposit slip completely!
43. When I tell someone the same thing over and over, I'm just doing it for fun. I like to waste my breath.
44. We will break the rules for anybody as long as you gripe for more than 10 minutes.
45. I am a professional coin counter. Even when the machine is broken, I will count the coin for you by hand!
46. I am psychic; when you call I can recognize your voice and pull up your information. My computer is voice activated. It's that fancy technology we have.
47. You don't have to tell me that you've been with the bank for 50 years I can tell.
48. Even after 5 years, I am a new teller to anyone who has never seen me before. If I've never met you, I have no idea what I'm doing.
49. I make the rules for the banking industry. You can blame everything on me!
50. I'm an idiot.
Posted By: Pale Rider

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 02:43 PM

I know I feel better now with that off your chest!
Posted By: DD Regs

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 02:48 PM

You have learned much young grasshopper, but don't forget that...

51. Credit Reports are not indicators of ones future perfomance.
52. Your clock means nothing, they WERE in line before 5:00.
53. No one has ever asked them for ID before, everyone trust them.
54. "Is this something new..." means it doesn't apply to them.
55. What business is it of yours where or how they got this lottery check frmo "Joe Plumbing"
56. They don't care what your title is, only the President is going to help them.

And I am sure the list can go on.
Posted By: KC Danimal

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 02:50 PM

ROFLMAO!

That was awesome.
Posted By: edAudit

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 02:56 PM

57 I sell insurance, cars, and auto parts
Posted By: #Just Jay

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 03:03 PM

Makes me appreciate even more why I left retail and moved into compliance.
Posted By: Bobby Boucher

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 03:06 PM

58 Yes, it is 6:15 on Friday, the lights are out and the doors are locked, but it would be no problem whatsoever for me to cash your payroll check out of my pocket right here in the parking lot
Posted By: #Just Jay

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 03:07 PM

laugh
Posted By: DD Regs

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 03:42 PM

59. I know the sign says closed, but sure, go ahead shake the door, maybe we forgot to lock it. Oh yeah, look at us like we are stupid, that always helps too.
Posted By: HappyGilmore

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 03:58 PM

60. I didn't earn my bonus, thankfully the bank got TARP and decided to give one to me
Posted By: GuitarDude

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 04:38 PM

I learned most of those as well as these from my branch days:

61. We move our clocks several minutes back in the morning and several minutes ahead in the afternoon just to make sure you are either early or late in arriving at the bank.

62. The reason you've never heard of such a policy/standard/procedure is because we make them up on the spot to make you mad.

63. Errors in your favor are yours to keep because anyone over the age of 3 knows "Finders keepers, losers weepers."
Posted By: Bobby Boucher

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 05:11 PM

64. Don't worry, I AM precisely the person you should yell at about the unauthorized charges to your checking account, because I personally look over every transaction received by the bank and decide whether or not to post it - must have missed this one. (Oh, and I also completely understand that they must have misspelled 1-888-PORN-NOW; that it should be "prawn", because you were ordering shrimp - happens all the time wink )
Posted By: Dip

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 05:13 PM

65. As long as you have checks, you can spend, spend, SPEND!
Posted By: DD Regs

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 05:14 PM

65. Yes you are absolutely correct. We did pick your account out this month to screw up. The good news is you get to draw the name of the person we will screw up next month.
Posted By: HappyGilmore

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 05:22 PM

66. We intentionally give you more checks than you need, hoping you'll write them and overdraft your account. We make gajillions this way!
Posted By: Dip

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 05:33 PM

^^^ This is really sub-part B to my #65. wink
Posted By: JacF

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 05:52 PM

67. The Spanish Lotto selects its winners exclusively from the list of people who don't play.
68. Cancelling your debit card is not an appropriate response to your card getting compromised. After all, you don't have to pay for any fraud that might happen, so there's no point to put you through the inconvenience of ordering a new card.
69. Despite what the history books tell us, most Americans can trace their lineage to an abandoned gold mine in Nigeria.
Posted By: Plain Old Tom

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:08 PM

70. Sure! Our tellers would be happy to sell you a foreclosed house even though your checking account is overdrawn!
Posted By: GuitarDude

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:15 PM

71. Why yes, our interoffice mail was designed for your use so you could avoid spending a few bucks at the Post Office.

^^^^^true story
Posted By: BoopGirl

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:16 PM

72. If you tell me that someone else knows you, that automatically means I know you and do not need your ID.
Posted By: KC Danimal

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:18 PM

72. Yes, we do charge ATM fees just to get your own money, it has nothing to do with the cost of placing and serviceing machines all over town.
Posted By: 'Lil Freak!

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:21 PM

73. We restrict the number of transfers from your savings account monthly just to torque you off and make you come into the branch. We don’t care how inconvenient it is for you to transfer one lump sum to your checking account where you can make multiple transfers.

[Seriously, we just had an old dude get all riled up last week because he wasn’t able to make multiple transfers to his kids and grandkids accounts through online banking and had to come in when he reached his Reg. D limit for the month. “Transfer the funds to my checking? Hey, I never thought about that.”]

…and on that note:

74. Were happy to do your thinking for you!
Posted By: DD Regs

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:23 PM

73. You don't say?! The customer is always right no matter if they are wrong they are always right.

74. OK, then I will refund all those ODP fees, even though you forgot about that ACH you authorized three months ago and haven't been balacning your check book. Just like last month...the month before...and the month before that...

75. Yes I know we never send out a notice so we can keep stealing your money.
Posted By: DD Regs

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:29 PM

76. Why yes we did steal your money and send it to the state. We knew it was your money and that you were moving every year and not updating your address with us and didn't do any transactions over the past 5 years. No, we didn't do anything to try and contact you before sending it to the state. We just thought since you weren't using it, you must not of needed it.
Posted By: Ops

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:31 PM

77. Suuuuure, we can do a cash advance on ANY card you have in your wallet be it Guitar Center, WalMart, Goodys.. ANY card you can come up with! Just make one up!
Posted By: Zoo Mama

Re: Being a Banker - 03/27/09 06:46 PM

78. You're right! I did alter the time/date stamp on the video so it would look like you got money out of your account when we really know I took it from you!