Top 31 things a Southern guy will never say

THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN GUY SAY:
>
> 31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
>
> 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
>
> 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
>
> 28. Duct tape won't fix that.
>
> 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
>
> 26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
>
> 25. You can't feed that to the dog.
>
> 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
>
> 23. Wrestling is fake.
>
> 22. We're vegetarians.
>
> 21. Do you think my gut is too big?
>
> 20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
>
> 19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
>
> 18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
>
> 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
>
> 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
>
> 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
>
> 14. Trim the fat off that steak.
>
> 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
>
> 12. The tires on that truck are too big.
>
> 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
>
> 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
>
> 9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
>
> 8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
>
> 7. Checkmate
>
> 6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
>
> 5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
>
> 4. I don't have a favorite college team.
>
> 3. You Guys.
>
> 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
>
> AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
>
> 1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to
> re-elect OBAMA!

0. Does this tie class with my suit?

As a southern guy, I find your list to be pert near rat. But #30 is jest a upsettin' me.

::spits tabacky juice pert near thuh Yank's shiny, fancy shoe::

Now, iff'n you uz tuh change "only sixteen" to "my cousin" I reckon you'n me'll be awwrat.

Zima? They still make that stuff?

This one you will hear: "6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini" in re: his daughter. And it will apply until she's 35.

32. A couch does not belong on the porch.

33. I'm going to take my Prius to the car wash.

34. Lynyrd Skynyrd is over-rated.

35. We better not try that, it could be dangerous

36. no, i don't like her hair that big

37. Now that you ask, i've never had a mullet

38. I'll have an appletini please

39. I wish the exhaust on my truck was quieter

40. Soccer is a sport

41. People from New Jersey are so smart

42. "You're right, watching guys driving cars at 200 MPH in a circle for 3 hours is boring. Let's watch figure skating instead."

!!

43. I am cleaning up the yard and carrying all this junk to the landfill.

44. Let's take the Christmas lights off the house.

45. No, I don't think bailing wire and duct tape will fix it.

46. Sure, I'd much rather go shopping with you honey instead of fishing with the boys.

47. Shooting off fireworks in the middle of the street is boring and irresponsible.

48. I'd never shoot bambi's mom!

49. We need to spend more to get out of debt!

50. I graduated from grade school.

51. "Go to the Rodeo? But the Ballet is in town!"

51. Golf is a waste of time.

51. do you think we have too many cars on cinderblocks in front of the double wide?

52. Boy, that Tom Brady is a pretty man.

51. Sure. I can count way past 50.

53. Pardon me, m'am. Do you have any vittles that ain't fried? I'm trying to watch my cholesterol.

51. "....99, 100!"

Fifty..whatever. "Get in here and quit filming that tornado!"

Fifty..whatever+1. Man, the SEC sucks!

Fifty..whatever +2. I can't marry you-you are my first cousin.

FW+3. "I've really got to get rid of some of these guns!"

# 1 more that the last - hey, would someone go buy some lite beer please

and one more than that one - no, i don't want a budweiser. I'd like a Blue Moon with a slice of orange

# one more than the last one more - I'm sorry, Dale Earnwho?

"No, the tornado didn't sound anything like a freight train..."

"That Yanni dude rocks."

# one more than the last one more - Source or shens

#? - The proper way to settle a dispute is to clearly communicate the concerns of all involved parties and reach a mutual understanding, not arm rasslin'.

hey! we're out of toilet paper in here!

#?- No son/daughter you are way too young to dip and/or smoke

"Larry the Cable who?

^^^^actually, my dad did say that to me (but it didn't stop me).

no thanks, I have enough tank tops in my wardrobe

They are called "wife beaters" in the south!

"No thanks honey, I have a headache..."

#? Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?

You won't hear that from a Southern Gal either!!

My squirrel dog has a pedigree.

We’re not kinfolk.

I need to call a designated driver.

What’s a boiled peanut?

There’s too much butter in my grits.

You can't fry that.

Forget the ribs - let me grill some veggies tonight, honey!

Uh-oh - a hurricane? We'd better pack up and head north!

You know honey, those jeans look a little tight.

And the romance continues....

Junior, you reckon you could find a way around that there muddy spot? I'd hate to get the 4x4 dirty...

I'm not going in that water - there are gators in there!

I don't think sticking your arm in that hole is a very good idea...

"Waiter, I'll have the 2004 Chardonnay with my pulled pork sandwich"

So, you just mosey on up to a cow while it's a sleepin and then you push it right on over? Sorry, I just don't see the fun in that...

That reminds me of the movie I watched on Lifetime last night.

You can't wear a T-shirt more than one day without washing it.

I'm back from the library!

:Hands LP some aspirin:

I don't think jeans are appropriate attire for this occasion.

"Do these overalls make my butt look too big?"

no, i don't need another bass boat

"I support PETA"

People Eating Tasty Animals?

Naw, I ain't never seen none of my kin on an episode of COPS.

This is quite an education, I've only met one southern guy.

Could you put some of this SPF 50 on the back of my neck? That's it. Work it in real good. I'd hate to get too much sun back there.

LOL bOatn... not all the Southern men are as crazy as these post make'em appear..but it is true that some are...

Noted!

Thank you Search, I was debating on moving more northern because of what I saw here!

Nope. I just don't think it's possible to skin and cook a _________.

No boys, we're not taking those city folks Snipe huntin' tonight.

No son, you can't keep the alligator as a pet.

No, Camo is not appropriate attire for your wedding.




Fixed it for ya Bobby

:angry:

Why r u angry Dooby?

Cause we're talking about him

Not in a bad way. We are sharing his uniqueness with others.

Turn off that dang country music!

I hear banjos....

Aw Doobs

It was just the radio.

You cain't catch no catfish with that!

I'd like an order of ________, but without gravy please.

That General Sherman was a true hero.

I still have all my teeth.

With my sister?? Man that is sick!

In my heart of hearts, I believe that ESPN was right to get rid of Hank Jr.

No, I DO NOT have posters of Daisy Duke and the General Lee on my bedroom wall.

So, where exactly is 'over yonder' located?

Don't you think it's about time we take down the Confederate flag?

Look - that truck has "nuts". How tasteless.

Ain't no way that'll fit in the back of my pick'em up truck*.

*alternatively, "my '86 Camaro w/ T-tops" may be substituted for "the back of my pick'em up truck".

"Now why on earth would name our son Bobby Lee Lee?"

I think we're lost. I better pull over for directions!

Oh, wait! That's all men, not just Southern! Ha!

Sorry Bobby - I have heard this many times over the past 15 years. Only difference is an '81 Camaro w/T-tops. It's a guy thing too, not just Southern

What's the gas mileage like on this duallie?

"Dontcha think this bon fire is little too big?"

or daughter

This Occupy movement really strikes a chord with me.

I'm sorry, but remind again, who is Conway Twitty?

I'd rather have the baked chicken over the fried, and no hot sauce for me today please.

Well then maybe y'all Yanks ain't all that bad.

Wait, ^^^that's another sumpthin a Southern guy would never say...

It's a tough call between Skynyrd and the Bee Gees.

I scored front row seats to the travelling production of "Phantom of the Opera"! I can't wait!!

"I dont think I can fix that.."

These are my real teeth...

Honey, you need me to pick anything up for you while I'm at Tarszhay?

"Man I love that pink fur on the toilet seat!"

I just wish that Paula Dean's recipes didn't always call for so much butter.

Let's not go to Bubba's BBQ for lunch - I'heard Le'Petit salad bar has tofu and fat free, low cal dressings.

No, I don't want the Tundra 4 X 4. I'd rather have the powder blue Prius.

No banana pudding for me, I am stuffed!

Don't worry - I fixed it!

That Toby Keith just doesn't get it, does he?!?

I miss the Dixie Chicks!

There is a whole lot of trash in my trailer!

The SEC just don't hold a light to the Big 10.

Can't wait for our Black Friday shopping spree. Who needs to go hunting? It's too cold anyway.

Why did you cook butter beans? Snow peas are so much healthier.

Do you want sprouts with that?

I'll take Sweet 'n Low please. Oh, and margarine.

A 6 pack will be plenty.

Despite the uncanny resemblance, there is NO way that guy pumping gas next to me could actually be the Elvis Presley.

sure honey, I'd love for you to join me and the boys at the hunting camp next weekend. I'll ask them to bring their wives as well...we can play canasta after we're done hunting

Dang it Billy Bob, did you see where I left my camouflage thong?

::faints::

The primer is only temporary, I'm going to get my car painted right away.

oh great, the only thing on tonight is Joe Dirt...I've seen this too many times. Let's just turn off the TV, light some scented candles, and cuddle...

"I really need to call the junk man, we can't have that old fridge and sofa out on the front porch like that, what will the neighbors think?"

"This hamburger helper stuff is gross!"

"Honey, would you put rice cakes, extra virgin olive oil, and balsamic vinegar on my shopping list please?"

"Who in their right mind would deep fry a turkey? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?"

Gentleman, could I have your attention? I am about to attempt an obviously foolish plan that is bound to end in bodliy injury due to the over consumption of adult beverages! Oh, and you should film it for posterity and so that you may put it on the internet!

Bbb1, the words you used were greater in both quantity and quality, but when you boil it all down, what you basically said there was "HEY Y'ALL, WATCH THIS!!!", which is something that a true Southern guy will say to his friends at least once a week (assuming, of course, that he is not still hospitalized from the last time he said it).

Precisely the point! In the typical "Hey fellars, watch this" There is no forethought of consequence! In my statement there is clearly a choice being made and a vocabulary not unheard of, but at least uncommon in said situtations. And I say this, not without some amount of personal experience! If had I used the former sentence in more situations, I might have had a few less scars today!

I gotcha. But in my experience there has always been forethought of consequence involved, though it is bravely ignored in deference to the greater cause of showing off. IMO the reason for the predominant use of the shorter version is one of necessity. You see, when the call to watch is initiated, usually by that point the caller has already begun his roll down the hill in a tractor tire or lit the bottle rocket that had been secured in his hind regions. As such, I am sure you can appreciate that time is of the essence and wasting even a split second with extra words could have dire consequences - such as your friends not seeing the act and then having to replicate it (assuming that you still have use of the required limbs and digits).

^^^^We may have been on the same hill! I am reminded, personally, of the "Hey y'all watch this" jump off of the cliff into the lake. Thus receiving the "lake water enema". And of course having to come up with a smile and yelling, "You gotta go try it!"

^^^ "Don't do it, you could get hurt."

Egad! Someone has put camo on my truck!

I know it's not even Thanksgiving, but I have been searching for months for the perfect Christmas present for my wife and I have finally found it!

:missing BOL musical notes:
"I write the songs that make the whole world sing..." :sniff:

"The new Jay-Z album just became available on iTunes."

Hopefully this isn't a repeat, but "I need to stop and ask for directions. I'm lost."

"Honey toss me the keys to the Prius, I'm off to the spa for my mani-pedi."

"I think this belt buckle is too gaudy."

"Should I be worried that I havent seen my belt buckle in 10 years?" (34 in belt on man with 44 inch waist)

I think this shirt needs to be thrown away.

No dear, you can't wear THAT to Wal-Mart.

Pick one from column A and one from Column B.

I really don't want to go [hunting] [fishing] [4-wheeling].

I'd rather [go with you to the mall] [help you out with the vacuuming] [read this interesting article about Oprah].

A True Southern girl will be right there along with him [hunting] [fishing] [4-wheeling]

No chewing or dipping though (the girls I mean)....

Agreed
... But I have seen a few....

There's a joke about how to tell if a southern guy is dating/married to a southern gal - there's tabacky stains on the floor of both sides of his truck.

One of my funniest memories: a buddy of mine back in the day, at a honky-tonk, when this gal sauntered up to him and asked "wanna dance?", my friend replied "wanna spit that dip out?".

I dont mean to be prejudicial ( I dipped for for 23 years ), but something about a woman with a dip just doesnt seem right.
Now women that can shoot....thats hot!

Your buddy knew deek?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My Great Grandmother dipped...
I really have nothing else to say about that.

To be fair, Deek only dips in public places where she can't light up. She dips AND smokes everywhere else.

pretty sure it's supposed to be the other way around.

boy those other college football conferences sure look tough this year....

"Ooh yuck! Cow pooh!"

wth is seersucker?? <--- just for you.... you know who you are


oh wait the aren't talking about southern gentleman...wrong thread

that is just too much camoflauge for this trip.

I can't kill that deer it reminds me of Bambi ::WAAAHHHH::

We can't carry those city boys Snipe hunting... they may get lost in the woods.

::scratches head:: um isn't that something they would say?

or am i having a nunz moment??

They're not going to say "they can't".... Wait,maybe I said that wrong.... I get myself confused sometimes...

See edit above... sounds much better.

I really don't want to see an LSU vs. Bama rematch for the championship game. I hate low scoring games.