Hello - any humor out there?

This guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' [censored] you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' [censored] is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

Once on a friday, two women were sitting and talking. Then one woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand. She said, "There comes the [censored] with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
Her friend promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"

Now that one made me laugh. Thanks!

Someone sent this story to me so I thought I would share...
Supposedly it was on Leno or something???


A huge wedding with about 300 guests was going on...After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish
reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having $ex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd
and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge - making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think they might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends ................ $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the affair..................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui.....................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man....................................Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

Lyndsey, you apparently missed this thread a couple of months ago where beat this into the ground.

Hate that I double posted it...

Shame on you Lyndsey.

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in
it, but here is one: Yes, it is true, I am sending a joke that is
very funny and does not contain a single dirty word, you could tell this
joke to your ministers...maybe....

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to
the birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The birch
says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the little sapling. The birch
says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "it
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
the best piece of ash I have ever put my p_ecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father dies, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass on. Then I will inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother...

A couple were staying at their lake cabin and the husband had been out fishing. But the fishing wasn't very good so he decided he'd come in and take a nap instead.

His wife didn't know much about the boat or fishing but thought she'd take the boat our and relax with a good book. She managed to get out and anchor the boat and settled down with her book.

Along came the game warden.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Reading a book" she replied, thinking "Duh".
"Well, maam," he said, "this is a fishing restricted space.
"But I'm not fishing" she said.
"Well" said the warden, "I'm going to have to take you in and give you a ticket anyway."
"Why" she asked, "when I'm not fishing".
"Yes, but you have all the equipment so you could wait until I left and then use it!"
"In that case," she replied, "I'm going to have to charge you with sexual assault."
"But, maam, I haven't touched you!!!"
"I know, but you have all the equipment so you could use at any time!"

"Have a good day!" replied the warden.

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

*************************************************************

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Yeah, sure, you betcha. I'll paint you in the nude, but I'll haff 'ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I
was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

and the rope company and the cement company and the.....

Three Italian nuns


Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to
earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
'"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months."

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
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Pokemon

I just got this from someone at work and thought it was funny:
CALIFORNIA VS TEXAS

CALIFORNIA:

- I can wear sandals all year long

- I go to the Beach - not "down to the shore"

-Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well...Miami can hang.

- I say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and I say them often

- I know what real cheese & avocados taste like


-Everyone smokes weed and its no big [censored] deal

-We'll roll up 40 deep when something goes down.

-I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American's!

-All the porn you watch is made here, cause we [censored] better and thats how it is

- I don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear

- I know 65 mph really means 100

- When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont [censored] around on the road

- The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border)

- My governor can kick your governors ass

- I can go out at midnight

-You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code

- I might get looked at funny by locals when I'm on vacation in their state, but when they find out I'm from California I turn into a Greek GOD

- We don't stop at stop signs... we do a "california roll"
No cop no stop baby!

- I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day

- All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here

- We're the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State.....GOLDEN!!!

- We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them)

- I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I'm better than you [geez.... hahaha]

- The best athletes come from here

*******IF YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA, REPOST THIS*******
******IF YOU'RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY******

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TEXAS:

Ahem... So.. Um.. yeah... I read this, and thought I would reply...


Hey... California listen up... Texas is where its at!

- I too can wear sandals all year long... plus I can put on boots to stomp your toes and I won't even stick out.

- You may be able to go to the "beach" instead of the "shore"... but can you go to the drive thru "Beer Barn?" What now surfer boy?

- You're chicks aren't way hotter than ours... they are almost equal... and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye... We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.

- We're taught to say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" and respect our elders because of it. We also say "Howdy" and "fixin" and "Yall" are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world We're famous

- You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like... but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes?

- Haha... who do you think grows the weed and sells it to you?

- Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done...

- I live next door to americans, but we call them mexicans

- About your Porn.... 3 words... "Debbie Does Dallas"... You can brag about it now, but we started it (imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... you guys know you love us)

- Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?

- I'm smart enought to know 65mph means 65, but our speed limit is 70.

- - When someone cuts me off, they get run the [censored] over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california.

- The drinking age is 21, but if you aren't chasin the beer by 1 yr old... you're behind.

- Yeah, Well my governor became the President of the United States... yours isn't even eligible.

- You can go out at midnight? Thats nice, I haven't even come home by then.

- Ok... you said,"You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code" and as hard as I try I have no idea what you're talking about... I think you're watching too much tv.

- Yeah, you'll definitely get looked funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.

- Of course you don't stop at stop signs... none of you can drive.

- You can pick up Real mexican food 24 hours a day huh... well I can swing by home depot and pick up 24 Real mexicans anytime of day. Can you say catering?

- All the tv shows get filmed there... but where does your favorite poker game from? Texas Hold'em anyone?

- You can keep your golden state... We're the Lone Star State...

- Do I have to remind you about the drive thru Beer Barn again? Does In-N-Out serve alcohol? (Oh and did I mention Dr. Pepper was created in Texas?)

- You guys have the best athletes huh?... Two words... Lance Armstrong

Though I could mention MICHAEL JOHNSON - Olympic Sprinter, World record holder in 200m and 400m, 5 Olympic Gold metals, 9 time World Champion (born Dallas, Tx)

- Texas is the only state that can legally fly its flag side by side with the U.S. flag at the same height.

- Football is a religion, not a sport

- In Texas, football means football, not soccer.

- 90% of football "movies" you guys are making are about Texas Football.

- Texas is the only state that can still separate to become its own country. The only way California's gonna accomplish that is if another earthquake comes along and you guys sink into the ocean. Can you say Atlantis.... hahaha

Come on Texans Show Your Colors! Repost!

And as the Great Sam Houston once said "Texas could survive without the United States, but the United States could not survive without TEXAS!"

-=ThePaul=-

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
 
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and such. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations -- I wasn't going to let this homeless man go out without
someone taking notice of the service! I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
 
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."