Jokes Only

Please post only jokes to this thread.

For the Catholics...
The crowd is about to stone Mary Magdalene, when Jesus steps forward and says,

"Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd comes a big rock, over Jesus' head, 'bam' hits Mary Magdalene square between the eyes. Down she goes.

Jesus does a slow turn, looks back to see the thrower and says,

"Mom! Stop following me around - You're embarrassing me!"
_____

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have breasts bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, “the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.”

Satisfied with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “things” than his dad does.

She replies, “The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.”

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again and promptly tells mother: “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
____

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered.
“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening
a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on
the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or you’ll answer to me!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did all this happen?”

“Just a couple minutes ago.”

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

“What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?” was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He just looked at her and said “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s running?”

She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.” “Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband. “No, he just said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him” she said.

“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband. “Cake? What the [censored] do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
"Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
"Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said 'down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing."

A man joins a monastery and takes the required vow of silence. After 7 years, the father in charge tells him that for remaining true to his vows, he may speak two words, to which the man replies, "Bed's hard."

Time goes on and the man is allowed another two words after 7 more years. The man says "Food's cold." The father simply nods and the mon returns to his quarters. Another 7 years go by and the man is allowed to speak two more words. He says "I quit" to which the father responds, "It's just as well, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Hmmmmm X...Wisconsin to Florida. Sounds like my gig!

Your avatar is a little early for Halloween, but I like it!

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible.
He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched
diligently, book- by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in The Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Cali, that was great, thanks.

And X, love the beach and biker ones.

I changed it to a summertime avatar.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

“Never mind, I’ll just sit here in the dark”.

I really needed this today! Thanks:)

A pregnant woman is in her bedroom, getting undressed for a shower. When she's in the buff her little 5 year old daughter happens to walk in. She see's mom's big belly and innocently says..."Mom, your getting FAT!"
Mom calmly tells the little girl that her tummy is getting big because there's a baby growing in it.

The little girl thinks and then asks, "Well then...what's growing in your butt?"

WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES

Husband’s note on refrigerator to his wife:

Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red

My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother

To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

It's an oldie, but here it is again:


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was "performing". Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! So, John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.

On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife.
When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to
their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register
- I’ll be back within an hour.”

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated
train passes by very close to the window and shakes the
room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down
once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently,
she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he’ll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists
the story is true.
“Look,... lie here on the bed - you’ll be thrown right to
the floor!”

So he lies down next to the wife...

Just then the husband walks in!

“What,” he says, “are you doing here?!”

The manager replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for
a train??”
____

What is a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
A person who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a doG.

Doctor’s funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
“I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ......... I’m a gynecologist.”

The proctologist fainted.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
teachers throughout the land.
The winners.....

1
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it .

4
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh,
like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9
The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11
From the attic came an unearthly howl.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality,
like when you’re on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12
Her hair glistened in the rain
like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13
The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14
Long separated by cruel fate,
the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph,
the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16
John and Mary had never met.
They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant,
and she was the East River.

18
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20
The young fighter had a hungry look,
the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

22
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her,
like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23
It was an American tradition,
like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a d**n.
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's [censored] with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the [censored] happened to your bra or you socks. (Apparently this has happened to several people?!)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, sexier, and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

California Driving Rules

The basic principles for driving in the State of California are as follows:

When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the car pool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.
If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.
The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.
If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially = applicable in parking lots.
Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.
Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.
While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
Every lane is the suicide lane.
Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.
During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.
If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.
For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest.
To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a mid life crisis.
If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.
If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the Reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.
Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!
Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.
Never car pool.
Take full advantage of your right to u-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.
In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.
While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club on your steering wheel.
On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane

"Dell Computers - Service and Warranty, may I help you?"
"Yes, I need to get a replacement part."

"What model is it?"

"A Dimension, just got it last week."

"And what part do you need?"

"The cup holder, it never did work right".

"Cup holder?"

"Yes, I put my coffee cup in, it tried to close and just broke…"
_____

"Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

"The Test"
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists......two men and a woman

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

College Graduate

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate!!” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry about the misunderstanding,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom - I’ll show you how.”

Once upon a time, there was a prince who was placed under a spell - he may only speak one word each year. But if he saves that single word, he would be able to speak two words the next year.

One day, The Prince fell in love with a princess and wanted to tell her how he felt. The only problem was: he could only speak one word each year and that's not enough to express his feelings. So The Prince waited for two years so he could say 'My Darling' to the princess.

But by the end of the 2nd year, he thought that wasn't enough to tell her how he felt. Thus, The Prince decided to wait for another three years so he could say 'My Darling, I love you.'

But by the end of the 5th year, he felt that wasn't quite enough to express his feelings. The Prince decided to wait for another four years so he could say 'My Darling, I love you. Will you marry me'?

After nine years of waiting and maintaining his unrequited love for her, the day finally comes when The Prince would at last be able to share his feelings for her. He took her for a romantic picnic under the moonlight. Around midnight, he led her to the river and held her in his arms and said: "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"

The princess blushed, looked into his gorgeous eyes, smiled and said, "Pardon?"

ah Becka, how sad! And why is this lovely creature waitin around for this speechless guy anyway? Or maybe that is part of the moral of the story eh? Guys are just no good at communication.

I dunno...shortage of eligible Princes, perhaps?

A recently married young couple, Bob and Jane, were both lapsed Catholics who hastily eloped and were married by a Justice of the Peace. Coming up on their first wedding anniversary and ready to start a family, they both had a change of heart and decided that they wanted to return to the Church and to celebrate their anniversary and love for each other, be married again by a priest.

Bob and Jane went to see Father Doyle. The kindly priest counseled them to attend Mass every day for a month. Bob and Jane said, “That’s no problem Father, we can do that.”

Father Doyle also told them they must obtain their baptismal records and complete a standard marriage-investigation prenuptial form and attend prenuptial classes three times a week for the next month. Holding hands and deeply gazing into each others eyes, Bob and Jane responded, “We will gladly do that Father”.

And one more thing, the priest said, “As a sign of your commitment and as an act of contrition, you must abstain from marital relations for the next month.”

Bob and Jane looked at the priest, then at each other and after taking a deep breath, Jane said, “Father, Bob and I are committed to doing whatever you and the Church asks of us”.

After four weeks passed, Bob and Jane returned to see Father Doyle. The priest asked, “So how did things go?”

Jane said, “We went to Mass every day and we got our baptismal records and completed the standard marriage-investigation prenuptial form and attended all the prenuptial classes just as you instructed.”

“And”?, asked Father Doyle.

Bob and Jane hesitated to answer and blushed and then Bob said, “Well I have to tell you Father, the first day was agony!”

“The second day was nearly unbearable but I took a lot of cold showers.”

“But we have to admit, that on the morning of the third day, well I don’t know what happened, but my beautiful wife had a carton of orange juice in her hand and we looked into each others eyes and she dropped the orange juice and the carton split open and orange juice was all over the floor and we just snapped! I’m embarrassed and sorry to say we disrobed right there and then and did it on the floor.”

Father Doyle shook his head and said, “I’m sorely disappointed in you both”. “I’m afraid I cannot allow you back into the Church”.

Bob said, “I understand Father.” “The manager of the 7-11 said we weren’t welcome back there either”.

A lonely widow woman places a personal add that reads:
"widow seeking male companion. Requirements: you cannot be abusive; you must promise to never leave me, and you must be GREAT in bed"
After several months, she became discourage as no one that answered her add was able to meet all of the requiremants had.

Then...one day her doorbell rang. When she answered she found a man in a wheelchair; he had no arms and no legs.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"Yes, I am here to answer your add for a companion." he said.
"If I may ask, why do you think you are qualified to fulfill the requirements I have for a comanion?"

He replied "Well, because I have no arms, I can never hit you or abuse you; because I have no legs, I will never leave you.......and I did ring the doorbell."


They've been together ever since....

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern
small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, woman to the
stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defense attorney? " She
again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both
counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the
electric chair."

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.

“Great, just great”, I moaned.

The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, “I am not happy”..............

To which I replied, “Well.....Which one are you then?”

Little Johnny was sitting in his Sunday School class, conducted by Sister Mathilde. The lesson plan for the day called for the sister to utilize the scriptures to teach the children about mortality, and the necessity of using one’s life for a good and valuable purpose.

“Now, children,” she announced, “we all know that life is not forever, and that while we are here on Earth we must use our limited time in a valuable way. When you are in your casket, and friends and family are grieving over you and mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

Ricky raised his hand.

“Yes, Ricky?” called out Sister Mathilde.

“Sister,” responded Ricky, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, healed the sick, and that I was kind to my family.”

“That’s excellent, Ricky,” Sister Mathilde commented. “Anyone else?”

Patty raised her hand.

“Yes, Patty?” called Sister Mathilde.

“Sister,” said Patty, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful wife and a school teacher who made a huge difference to our children of tomorrow.”

“That’s very commendable, Patty,” responded Sister Mathilde.

Then Little Johnny raised his hand, and, reluctantly, Sister Mathilde called on him.

“Yes, Johnny?” she said. “What would you like for them to say about you?”

“Sister,” Little Johnny answered, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”

At the same school, it was somewhat later in the year that a special day had been declared – Teacher’s Day – and Miss Smith was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist’s son handed her a wrapped gift, and, as she received it, she said with a warm smile, “I bet I know what it is – some flowers.”

“How did you know?” asked the young child.

“Just a guess,” Miss Smith replied with a knowing smile.

The candy store owner’s daughter next gave Miss Smith a small box.

Miss Smith shook it.

“I can guess,” she smiled again, “it’s a box of candy.”

“Yes!” said the little girl. “How did you know that, Miss Smith?”

“Just a lucky guess,” winked the savvy teacher.

Next, Little Johnny, whose father owned a wine shop, approached with a large, gift-wrapped box. When Miss Smith shook it, the package started leaking. She touched her finger to the leak and tasted it.

“Is it wine?”

Little Johnny shook his head, “No, teacher.”

She tasted again.

“Champagne?”

“No, Miss Smith,” said the boy.

“I give up,” said Miss Smith. “What is it?”

‘Oh, Miss Smith,” exclaimed Little Johnny, “it’s a puppy!”

Tom, a handsome young fellow, walked into the bar around 9:45 PM and sat down next to a blonde staring up at the TV. The 10:00 news soon came on and featured the story of a man on the ledge of a large building who was preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Tom and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Tom said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Hearing this, Tom placed a twenty-dollar bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building and fell to his death.

The blonde was upset, but willingly handed her twenty dollars to Tom, saying, “Fair’s fair; here’s your money.”

Tom smiled knowingly, then replied, “I’m afraid I can’t really take it. You see, I watched the news at five PM and knew he’d jump.”

“Oh, I did, too, “the blond replied. “I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

With that, Tom took the money.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s***.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. (Works for X)
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a d**n.
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's [censored] with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

TERMINOLOGY USED IN PERSONAL ADS
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as [censored]
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
Heath Care Professional.. Hillary Clinton
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height.................. Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
------------------------------------------------------------

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life."

"The rocks are the important things - your family, your spouse, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car."

"The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks."

"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Ok guy, its bad enough you post stuff as new and amusing, when it was already posted by someone else two weeks ago, but it's pretty sad when you start to repost the same thing twice in the same thread that you started.

Read what the he11 you're gonna post first for crimeny's sake!

Double and triple posts are specifically for those of you with lower IQ's - each time you read the joke, you find it funny, so what's the problem, buck?

Actually, dude, they kinda loose their edge after the third or fourth time, kinda like you have as of late.

You used to be a good time.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway...

Oh, wait. I think this one has been posted two or three times before.

Nevermind.

becka.. its sounds familiar... just cant remember the punch line

heehee, i liked the one about the personal ads. we had to write a short parody in my creative writing class back in high school...i wrote a personal ad with the "translation" mixed init...it was really funny! well, my mom thought so....

What do ya mean, good time - funny? Let me understand this cause, I don't know maybe it's me, but I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh... I'm here to ******' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

No, no, I don't know... you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the [censored] am I funny, what the [censored] is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny!

True Southerners
Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess.

A true Southerner can show or point you in the general direction of cattywumpus.

A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in "Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. No true Southerner has a problem handling his (or her) "pot likker."

True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and a nanner puddin'.)

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."

True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

True Southerners never go snipe hunting twice. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

True Southerners sometimes wear long sleeves, but only if they roll 'em up past the elbows.

True Southerners are born knowing that you should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to anybody.

True Southerners have always known that the South is more American than America.
_____


TIPS FROM SOUTHERNERS TO NORTHERNERS.....

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of bein' right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn't mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
7. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
8. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitatin' a southern accent.
9. Get used to hearin', "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
10. People walk slower here.
11. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
12. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinkin' on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything from the store, it's just something you're supposed to do.
18. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
19. As you are cursin' the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
20. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off tryin' to find it your own self.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT






A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."

You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!


A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

After having their 11th child, an Tennessee couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Tenn.), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Tennessean said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Tennessee. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2, 3, 4, 5 . . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This medical procedure also works in Alabama, Virginia, West Virginia and Kentucky and Arkansas and is sure to be a great success in Palm Beach County Florida.

You know your from Wisconsin when:


Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
You refer to the Packers as "we."
You have gotten frost-bitten and sunburned in the same week.
You can identify and Illinois accent.
You know what cow-tipping is.
Down South to you means Chicago.
Travelling coast to coast means going from LaCrosse to Milwaukee.
A brat is something you eat.
You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
You consider Madison exotic.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.
You know what a bubbler is.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
You know how to polka.
You drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop."
Formal wear is blue jeans and a baseball cap.
Your 4th of July Family Picknic was moved indoors due to frost.
You know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.
You can visit Luxembourg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London, and Poland all in one afternoon.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow.
Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
You know what to do with a Blatz.
You actually understand these jokes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You might be from North Dakota if:


If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a bar . . .
If you can identify a Minnesota accent . . .
If "down south" to you means Aberdeen . . .
If you have no problem spelling "Wahpeton" . . .
If you have an ICBM in your back yard . . .
If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones . . .
If your kids' baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out . . .
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right . . .
If at least 50% of your relatives smell like beets . . .
If you don't understand what the big deal about Moorhead is . . .
If people borrow things to you . . .
If you have ever served glorified rice at a wedding reception . . .
If you refer to the state just east of you as "The People's Republic of Minnesota" . . .
If you expect to be excused from school for deer season . . .
If the soup du jour at your home-town cafe is always beer cheese or knoephla . . .
If you like to send liberal Democrats to Congress and rock-ribbed Republicans to the statehouse . . .
If your favorite hors'douvre is little weenies and barbeque sauce in a crockpot . . .
If you refer to the blessed union of an ELCA Lutheran and a Missouri-Synod Lutheran as a "mixed marriage" . . .
If you'd like to laugh at this, but you're afraid someone will notice you . . .

If The Airlines Sold Paint
Customer (CU): Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk (CL): Well, sir, that all depends.

CU: Depends on what?

CL: Actually, a lot of things.

CU: How about giving me an average price?

CL: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

CU: What's the difference in the paint?

CL: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.

CU: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

CL: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

CU: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

CL: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

CU: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

CL: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

CU: You've got to be kidding!

CL: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

CU: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of the stuff, I can see it right there.

CL: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

CU: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

CL: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

CU: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

CL: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

CU: What?

CL: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

CU: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!

CL: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

CU: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night?

CL: Yes, sir, it will.

CU: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

CL: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. And thanks for painting with our airlines.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK. What did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

Wow...yep, that does about sum it up!

Jersey Girl

A girl from New Jersey and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from New Jersey, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from New Jersey, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya from.... $itch?"

girls from Jersey are friendly?

You beat me to the punch Pale!!! My thoughts exactly!

You are both gonna get it!

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a huge riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened???" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

You Might Be A Democrat If...

You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.

You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.

You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.

You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.

You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.

You've never been mugged.

You actually expect to collect Social Security.

You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.

You think the Great Society has actually worked.

You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.

You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."

You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.

Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.

You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.

Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."

You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.

You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.

You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.

You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.

You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.

You know at least one Vegan.

You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.

You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.

You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.

You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.

You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.

You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.

You actually think that poverty can be abolished.

You think that Joan Baez had something to say.

You admire the Swedish welfare system.

You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."

You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%

You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.

After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

Proof I am a republican afterall

Or you are a Vegan...

I know someone on a no carb diet, does that count?

No, Huge Pale, sounds like that person is the opposite of Vegan...

How to Stay Healthy

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old California rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Nancy Pelosi and her elevation to speaker of the house. The old racher said, “Well, ya know, Nancy is a post turtle.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain.

“You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just want to help the dumb SOB get down.”

THE WORLD’S SHORTEST BOOKS for 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
**********************************************
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
***********************************************

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________
Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden
************************************************

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

************************************************

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman
************************************************

MY BOOK OF BEAUTY SECRETS

by Janet Reno

************************************************

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

*************************************************

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

*************************************************

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

*************************************************

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

************************************************
PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O.J. Simpson
*************************************************

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy

**************************************************

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

***************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.



As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.



Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

Comic!

This just tickled my funny bone!

Italian's boy confession

Little Johnny goes to confession,

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and

I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads. C’mon lets go! "

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card
today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...

Hillary has just been elected President. On her first night in the White House, she sees the ghost of George Washington. She asks it “What can I do to best help my country?” Washington says “Never tell a lie.” Hillary says “Oooh, I don’t think I could do that.” The next night she sees Thomas Jefferson’s ghost. She asks “How can I best help my country?” He says “Do what the people want”. Hillary says “Nah, I don’t really want to do that.” On the third night she sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks “How can I best help my country?” And he says “Go into the theater...”
______

A family of moles was sleeping in their hole, when the father mole gets up to look outside because he smelled some scrambled eggs. The mother mole also gets up to enjoy the smell. The baby mole follows to try and get a sniff, but he’s too short and is blocked by his parents facing out of the hole. Disappointed, he says “All I smell is molasses”

A Guide to Understanding Your Cat
Action = Meaning

Staring at the food dish = Feed Me
Staring at the cupboard = Feed Me
Licking the empty bowl = Feed Me
Looking at you, taking two steps, looking at you again = Follow me to the kitchen and feed me
Looking at your lap = Okay, you seem to like it when I sit on you — then will you feed me?
Sitting on your head = Wake up and feed me.
Scratching at the bedroom door = Wake up, Open this door and FEED ME.
Meow, Meow, Meowrrr = Feed me, Feed me, Feed me NOW!
Burp = Thank you!

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Daryl though, because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,
so they voted to take turns.


The first guy, Bill, slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.


The others said, "Man, what happened to you?"


He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."


The next night it was Harry's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.


The others said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"


Harry said, "That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all
night."


The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed, looking well rested.


"Good morning," he said.


The others stared at him in amazement. They couldn't believe their eyes!


They said, "Man, what happened?" Frank said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bedand kissed him good night.


He sat up and watched me all night. "

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't b e done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
" Taxes drove me to my doom..."

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service char ge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the [censored] happened?
Can you spell "politicians?"

And I still have to "press 1" for English.

A telemarketer calls a house.
Little Billy answers the phone whispering "Hello"

The telemarketer asks if he could speak with Billy's Mommy. Billy replied in a whisper "she's busy". Telemarketer then asks if he could speak with the boy's Father. Billy whispered "he's busy too".

Telemarkets says "well, is there anyone else there?". Billy whispered and said "yeah, the police".
Stunned the telemarketer said "The police? What are they doing there?"
Billy whispered "looking for me".

I've always loved that joke Karen!

LOL today a member told me that one and it's the first time I had ever heard it!!
I laughed so hard!

I am sooooo sorry, but maybe my brain is dead... why is it funny? I am not being a smartas$, I just don't get it...

I'm sort of with you on this one - I suppose it would be the possible reaction of the telemarketer when the kid says that, but I'd also say it's one of the lamest jokes ever.

I think the idea is that the parents thought their kid was missing and called the cops, but really the kid was just hiding in the closet, or something...

Not a great joke - definitely not funny when it has to be explained.

Is it Male or Female?


Swiss army knife: Male
Even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time
opening bottles.

Kidneys:Female
They always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Tire:Male
It goes bald and is often over-inflated.

Hot air balloon: Male
To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under it . . . And, of course it’s full of hot
air.

Sponges:Female
They are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

Web page: Female
It’s always getting hit on.

Shoe:Male
It’s usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.

Copier: Female
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
It’s an effective reproductive device when
the right buttons are pressed, and it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pressed.

Ziploc bags: Male
They hold everything in, but you can always
see straight through them.

Subway: Male
It uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hammer: Male
It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote control: Female
It gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to press, he keeps trying.

New job

A businessman is interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devises a simple test to select the most suitable candidate for the job. He asks each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first applicant is a journalist. His answer is "twenty-two."

The second applicant is an engineer. He pulls out a calculator and shows the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person is a lawyer. He states that in the case of Jenkins v. Simpson, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant is an accountant. The businessman asks him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant gets up from his chair goes over to the door and closes it. After sitting down he leans across the desk and asks, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

Officer: Good evening. Can I see your driver's license?
Driver: I’m afraid I don't have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner's documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it's not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there's no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!

The police captain was very confused about what had happened.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh
buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Subject: ATM MACHINES

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail ! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

An elderly Texan called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_____

BLONDE KIDNAPPER:

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child & demand ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree & wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am." Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket & told him to go straight home....

The next morning she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note:

"Here is your money, I cannot believe that one Blonde would do this to another."
_____

H$$L EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is [censored] exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of [censored] is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into [censored] and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to [censored], it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering [censored], let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to [censored]. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to [censored]. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in [censored] to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in [censored] because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in [censored] to stay the same, the volume of [censored] has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If [censored] is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter [censored], then the temperature and pressure in [censored] will increase until all [censored] breaks loose.

2. If [censored] is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in [censored], then the temperature and pressure will drop until [censored] freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in [censored] before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that [censored] is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since [censored] has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

New York City has 11 letters.

Afghanistan has 11 letters.

Ramsin Yuseb, the terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993, has 11 letters.

George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

New York is the 11th state

The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11

Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

Flight 77, which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65

passengers. 6+5=11

The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11, as it is now known.

9+1+1=11

The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number

911. 9 + 1 + 1 =11

Sheer coincidence? Read on and make up your own mind:

The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year

Again 2 + 5 + 4= 11.

The Madrid bombing took place on
3/11/2004.

3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4=11.

The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally interesting:

The most recognized symbol for the US after the Stars & Stripes is The Eagle.

The following verse is taken from the quran, the islamic holy book:"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be feltthroughout the lands of allah. While some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the quran.

Unconvinced about all of this still?

Try this and see how you feel afterwards

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:

Type Q33 NY in capital letters.

This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin
Towers.

Highlight the Q33 NY.

Change the font size to 48.

Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS.

What do you think now?

TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007



12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day.

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It’s Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better.

7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I’m Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You’re Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I’d Be Out Of Prison By now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women- But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!
_____

Study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her life cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little

dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates

and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt

for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order

to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of

escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I

had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly

demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending

comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. *******s!



There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed

in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear

the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to

the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to

my advantage.



Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this

again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the

other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special

privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to

return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I

observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he

reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him

in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

I guess it sounds better when you actually HEAR the joke.
Geez, X is so freakin harsh... I forgot he was the comedian and every single joke he told made the roof fly off from laughter... **rolling eyes smiley insert**

Karen - it's a cold harsh world in the Cooler.........


You know you live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.

6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.


You know you live in New York when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.

3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature."

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You know you live in Alaska when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.


You know you live in the Deep South when...

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.

2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names.


You know you live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.


You know you live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


You know you live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Like them or not, here are the rules:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down!

2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Shopping it NOT a sport. And so, we are never going to think of it that way.

4. Crying is blackmail

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

18. If you ask a question you don't want to answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

20. Don't ask what we are thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

21. You have enough clothes.

22. You have too many shoes.

23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

The rules for men:

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

Hey, that's not fair! Why are there more rules for women than for men!?

I know I've posted this before but it just seemed to fit.. yet again

========================
How many posters does it take...

to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this fourm is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware newsgroup, off-topic newsgroup,
and lightbulb newsgroup about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this newsgroup saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this newsgroup

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 new poster to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and start it all over again

1 moderator to lock the controversial light bulb thread until morning!

CROCHETED DOLLS


A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls, and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in th box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please..come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,
the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a
Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking
for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all ma'life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is
it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his
brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three
days."
______

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old Blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Now why'd you have to go there, X?

...would've been more accurate though if she'd said 'pompoms' instead of 'earrings'!

For $20K, either one is fine!

Idiot Sightings - They Walk Among(st) Us

IDIOT SIGHTING: My husband and I had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
__________________________________________________
___________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS
__________________________________________________
____

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________ ______ __________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________________________
____

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS __________________________________________________
_____

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
__________________________________________________
______

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer- ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
__________________________________________________
_________ _____ ______

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, some post here. They REPRODUCE!

Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it: or with lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary
______a Cold Beer
______a Rum and Coke
______a Martini
______a Vodka on the rocks
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control
______a Bowl of ice cream
______The sports page
______Chocolate
______S-x

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________ Date:_________________________

According to Will Rogers:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for them selves.

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly 6 months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Denise! Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blond e opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch'

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know S!!!?"
__________________

You may have read or heard this wisdom before, but I don't believe anyone has ever explained it as well as the incredibly wise Cliff Clavin on the sitcom "Cheers." One afternoon, Cliff was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to Norm. And here's how it went:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."

"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Wonderful twisted logic of Cliff !!
Someone besides X has to post here so here you go

Blonde Video - Strictly G Rated
http://www.danerd.com/media/2975_Blonde+Library+fast+food

Little Eddie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as His father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Eddie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Eddie, looking worried, said: "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
____

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
____

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ; "Me neither doc," said the husband.

"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
_____

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

_____

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

____

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
_____

A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"

Loved the Redneck Murder one, just what I needed for a late afternoon lift !!!

A guy was sitting at the bar when he sees this absolutely gorgeous woman across the room. He finally musters up the courage to go over and talk to her.

"Excuse me," he says, "but I'm new in town and I really don't know anyone, and I wondered if I could buy you a drink and we could just talk for a while?"

The woman says aloud "A HOTEL???? HOW DARE YOU!!!!"

And everybody in the bar turns and looks at this poor guy and he is just embarrassed to tears. He skulks back over to the bar and looses himself in his drink.

The next day he is in the same bar when the same gorgeous woman walks in. This time, she walks over to him and says "About last night; I'm sorry, but you see, I'm a graduate student in psychology here at the local college. I'm doing a field study of how people react when they are embarrassed in public. I certainly didn't mean any harm, and I hope you understand."

The guys turns to the woman and says out loud "YOU CHARGE TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS AN HOUR??? YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right Schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give Compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends! And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.



MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

too bad they're too lazy to even do that most of the time...

From Merriam-Webster (www.m-w.com):

Incentive
Pronunciation: in-'sen-tiv
Function: noun

: something that incites or has a tendency to incite to determination or action

Why does it take women longer to be sexualy satisfied than men??

.

.

.

.

.

Who cares?
______

Why do women have hips?

.

.

.

.

.

.

To hold the laundry basket.
_____

What food is known to destroy 95% of the female sex drive?
.

.

.

.

Wedding cake.

Oh X! Those are hilarious!!!! Who cares!!!

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." the doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "no." The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him." "thats impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "someone else must of shot the bear." "Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
_____

toughest questions for men...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, **** loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

X, where do you find all of these? They are great!!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"

A woman bought a new Lexus LS430, and returned the next day,
complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this! he said.."Nelson!" The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

"Willie!" he continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
she'd say, "Beethoven!" she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car,
but she swerved in time to avoid them. "AS$H$$$S!" she yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax.

I think _X_ should have his BOL title changed from Power Poster to Power Jokester.

Quite a change for you, _X_ and behalf of all of us who are reading, laughing but not posting any replies, I thank you.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of $hit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's [censored] with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
- Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments."
-David Letterman

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else."
--Jay Leno

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it."
--Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."
--Jay Leno


"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former business partners can vote for her in 2008."
--Jay Leno

In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
- Jay Leno

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
- Jay Leno

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

Uh, I don't get the one about the barber shop? Is he going to see the barber's wife? Or waiting to get his hair cut at his house?

Cooper Top - feeling a little lame today?

This is for you:

During a visit to the Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with or without a view?"

A man opens his back door to let his dog in. The dog is lying out in the yard, stiff, legs in the air, won't respond. Man panics, puts dog in the car and speeds to the vet.

Vet examines the dog, says "There is nothing I can do. Your dog is dead."

Man says "I can't believe it, can you do some tests?"

Vet gets mean old tomcat from the back room, holds up to dog. The cat hisses, takes a swipe across the dogs nose with his claws. Dog does not respond.

Vet says "See? Your dog is dead."

Man says "Can you do another test?"

Vet gets a golden lab from the back room, which sniffs at the stiff dog, looks up with sad eyes, and gives a mournful sigh.

Man says "Well, it looks like you were right. What do I owe you?"

Vet says "$520"

Man says "$520 just to tell me my dog is dead?"

Vet says: "$20 for the office visit, $200 for the cat scan and $300 for the lab work."

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Cute X... ::rolling eyes::

I did crack up at the last blonde joke though! This has become one of my favorite threads.

One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told G-d, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

G-d thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So G-d called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to G-d and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."



G-d was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.



Do you know what the e-mail said? ...























Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!!!

Alabama: [censored] Yes, We Have Electricity!

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A DRY Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes. And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer #$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney.

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Ay-yuh.

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the Sheep are Scared!

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.

******************************

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A. The bonds mature.

********************************

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

*******************************

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know; it has never happened.

************************

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.

*****************************

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

**************************

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

*********************

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! Starting next month!!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Helpline and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SHOUTING. Open forum

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Role playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual counselors available.

WHISKEY WILL BE SERVED!!!!

Inheriting a Fortune

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles
bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her,
"but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over
20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his
stepmother.

Men will never learn.

Men, you really should study this. Most men that I have met seem to have missed the class when it was covered. Here's a refresher course for you.


1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this
means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do
It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question,
or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8 . Whatever : Is a
women's way of saying #@!! YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking
"What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

to which a friend adds: People in Georgia read the Sunday comics with a yellow highlighter---trying to parse out that hidden sub-text.

and a frequently relocated acquaintance had this rule: Never move anywhere that has fewer than 2 NPR stations and 2 books in the library - and both books are colored in.

Agenda for the 2008 Democrat National Convention

7:00 pm Opening flag burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jessie Jackson and
Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore

8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9.00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

11.00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
- Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers -
Howard Dean & Rosie O'Donnel

12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by
Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

12:50 am Speech and toast by Hugo Chavez to the departure of "the
great satan", 'W' Bush

12:50 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic
Mexican voters

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the
Republican party.

1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home

A woman comes home, screeching her car into the driveway, bangs open the door and screams to her husband "honey, pack your bags, i've won the lottery."

"Should i pack for the beach or the mountains?" he asks.

"Who cares" she replies "just get the heck out."

Driver's Test

You are driving along a two lane road with a "NO PASSING" sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider.



Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2.5 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

More Input!

I say, why take unnecessary risks!

A list of things that men wished women would understand.
NOTE: We don’t to call them rules, since women ignore the rules anyway!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. (For that matter, yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.)

2. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

3. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. And besides, Dogs are better than cats, period.

4. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. Besides, you have more than enough clothes in the closet. Just look past the acres and acres of shoes!

6. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

7. Yes, it’s about time you admit it to yourself: Your brother is an idiot.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Check your damn oil! If you wait for the little light on the dash to light up, IT’S TOO LATE!

10. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

11. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

12. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

14. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99.
Hot Breakfast: $4.20.
Two Aspirins: $.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding
gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales
clerk,
"exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."The sales
clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong
way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a
first-tim e bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I
got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon
that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each
other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night
for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good
it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

A horse walks into a bar and the bar-tender says, "why the long face?"...

A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here. you'll have to go."

The string leaves and comes back awhile later and again asks for a beer.

The bartender tells him again that he's going to have to leave - the will not serve strings!

The string walks outside, really mad. He gets all twisted and messes up his hair.

He walks back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was just in here?"

The sting replies, "I'm afraid not!"

The Evolution of Math

1. Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers)

6. Teaching Math In 2007:

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

The Loyal Husband

A woman had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet her husband stayed by her bedside every single day. Then one day she came to, and she motioned for him to come nearer.

As he sat by her side, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "you know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When you got fired and we just had my income you stayed there to give moral support since you had nothing else to give. And when your business venture failed, you stuck it out for the both of us, until the bankruptcy hearing was over. And when I got shot that time when I was driving your car, you were the first to inquire if I made it. Then when we lost the house, you stayed right there with me in our crummy little apartment. And now, when my health started failing, you’re here still by my side..."

"You know what?"

"What dear?" he gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, so get the [censored] away from me."

Exercise for Coolies:

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend
your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day,
you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of
the sacks.

Sounds like my kind of exercise. I'm sure I can build up quickly. Thanks for the tip <grin>!

Here's one specifically for you, skittles, it's perfect for the banking group:


Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Whew! What a workout!

That's frickin hilarious!!!

And so true...I sure can use a good workout!

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."








The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate!

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

I've heard that one before about BMWs
This is a great thread!

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".



Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

"I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.


It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her".

A Blondes' Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllloooo... bottles won't fit in printer!
March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...bad instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breaststroke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm...car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't it?
October - Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911..."Duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My PC keeps saying : "You've got mail !!"
______

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter's "gatekeeping" questions.

"And what area of health care were you involved with?" he asked the first. "I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood," the man replied.

"Excellent," said St. Peter, "how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward."

"And you?" Peter asked the second.

"I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms."

"A noble calling, indeed," said Peter, "you're in!"

"What about you?" he asked the third.

"Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan."

St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: "I've got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days."

Cindy came home from cheerleading practice one evening and sat down to dinner with her parents. She said, "Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you: I'm pregnant."

After the initial shock, her father managed to ask, "Do you know who the father is?"

"Yes," said Cindy, "at least I'm pretty sure - I have it narrowed down to either the football team, or the band."

Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter's "gatekeeping" questions.

"And what area of health care were you involved with?" he asked the first. "I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood," the man replied.

"Excellent," said St. Peter, "how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward."

"And you?" Peter asked the second.

"I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms."

"A noble calling, indeed," said Peter, "you're in!"

"What about you?" he asked the third.

"Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan."

St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: "I've got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days."
_____

A lawyer (yes, one of those jokes) arrives at the Pearly Gates and pounds his fist on the front desk.

"I demand a review! I was taken before my time!" he shouts at St. Peter.

The saint opens a huge book and looks up the lawyer's name. "Before your time? I'd say 700 years is enough for anyone."

The lawyer stares. "700 years? I was 34!"

St. Peter checks further. "Hmmmm ... there *was* a mistake. Looks like they were counting your billing hours!"

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates, to be greeted by St. Peter and a wall full of clocks. He asked St. Peter, what are these clocks? St. Peter replied, These are "lie clocks", the hands move each time a person tells a lie. See, over here is Mother Teresa's clock, the hands have never moved. And over here is Abe Lincoln's clock, and one hand has only moved a little.

The man asked, Where is Hillary Clinton's clock? St. Peter replied, Oh, it's in Jesus' office, He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Well, we all know what weddings organized by women are like, so the ultimate question is: What would a wedding organized by men be like?

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops, AND they would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" [censored].

6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. After all, when was the last time you priced out strippers and an “open bar” policy?

13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.

14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her backside.

16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.

17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

And finally the invitations would read as follows...


Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
Yep, he's getting married!

He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him, for the rest of his life, at:
Soldier Field Stadium
On the 50 Yard Line
At Half-time during Sunday's Game

Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windsheild?........ His butt!
_____

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?
_____

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
_____

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?........a stick
_____

These two good ole boys decided to take a few days off from work and see some of the sights. So one morning after they crossed the state line they stopped to pick up a few supplies at a local store. One of the men told the shop keeper, "we need so me maters, taters and onions. The shop keeper said "ya'll are from West Virginia, aren't you?" and the good ole boys said "yea, how did you know?". The shop keeper said, "it is because of your dialect, you know the accent". So as the good ole boys left , one looked at the other and said, "that was pretty neat, can I try it the next time?" The other one said "sure". So the next morning as they went into a different shop, the other good ole boy said to the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions" and the shop keeper said, "you're from West Virginig aren't you?". Grinning the good ole boy said, "yep, yep and I bet you knew that because of my dialect, you know my accent". The shop keeper said, "no, this is a hardware store!!!!!!!"

"Telephone Poll"

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office, asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
_____

What's the difference between a lawyer and a flounder? One's a bottom dwelling scum sucker...the other's a fish!

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off of his head.

A young son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "This shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, ALL household appliances come in white."
_____

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?



The porcupine has the pr!cks on the outside.

"You have reached the answering service of your school. In order to
assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent... Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work... Press 2

To complain about what we do... Press 3

To cuss out staff members... Press 4

To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed
in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you... Press 5

If you want us to raise your child... Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone...Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year... Press 8

To complain about bus transportation... Press 9

To complain about school lunches... Press O

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable/ responsible for his/her own behavior,class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)s lack of effort---

Hang up and have a nice day!!!

Senior Moments

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.

Communication


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in
the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier
than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
_____

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Two Nuns are stuck in a traffic jam, waiting for the lights to change, when a vampire lands on the windshield.

"Oh sister what shall we do" the younger nun said.

"Don't panic" said the older nun. "Simply show it your cross".

The younger nun opened the window and shouted "[censored] OFF YOU TOOTHY LITTLE BASTARD".

An older lady needing company went to the pet store and bought a parrot. When she got the parrot home, it did not say a single word that day, nor all week.

Sunday came and the parrot had not said a word. The older lady, needing to go to Sunday mass, did not want to leave the parrot home alone so she took him with. Half way through mass, as the parrot sat on her shoulder, the parrot yelled out "Damn cold, damn cold in here!" The older lady was mortified and rushed out of church and home with her parrot.

The next day the older lady went back to the pet store and shared her awful story with the shopkeeper. He was very apologetic and said that if the parrot did that again, to take him by the feet and swing him around in the air over her head a couple of times. Satisfied, the older lady went home.

Next Sunday came, and the older lady went to church with her parrot. Again, half way through mass the parrot hollars out "Damn cold, damn cold in here!" Thinking quickly, the older lady took the bird by his feet and swung him around in the air over her head a couple of times and set him back on her shoulder. The parrot then blurted out, "[censored] windy, [censored] windy too!"

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem: ____________________________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ____________________________________________

l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? _______________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipelined through Washington designating Southern slang, or "Y'allbonics", as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew ?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert !"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas. Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE !"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart? Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". Usage "Billy Bob seed Bubba over'ta the fill'n station yester'd."

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view ?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert".

Are you the weakest link?

Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK? Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are. Ready? ... GO!!!

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. (You know you took too much time.)

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.

What if the race is between you and one other person? I will admit the middle two got me though!

Hmmmmmmm.....if you are in a race and overtake the second person there has got to be at least three people in the race.....you are definitely the weakest link! But, you are in great company on BOL!

Ummm, no. If there are two people in a race (you and the other person) and you overtake the second person (the other person) you would be in first place. Now your logic would make sense if you refered to second place as opposed to the second person! It's all in how you read it!

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking
ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-wielding Nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece
of dirt.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about
20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I
didn't care! My car was parked around the corner.

Now, don't be stupid - read the question again, read the response noted - you are in a race, you overtake a person who is the second person - you end up in second - there has got to be at least three runners in the race. I'm thinking you've hit the Bong one too many times.

Chandler, dude, if you're in a two person race only one person can be second. If you overtake your oppenent you overtake the "other" person, not the "second" person because *you* are the "second" person and you can't overtake yourself. Unless of course there's too much crack in that bong, man.

Like I said, it's all in how you read it. As the question is written there is nothing that implies there are more than two people. If there are two people the second person, in my opinion, would be the person who was not me. Thus, overtaking the second person would put me in first place.

The question does not refer to second "place", it refers to the second "person".

Good point, Chanadelar. Maybe Bob Barker hit me one too many times, huh?

Correct, but if there is a second person, it follows that there is a first person - besides, even the explanation that follows the questions outlines that the second person was in second place - just go with the Bong.

Correct that if there is a second person there is a first person...just is of there are two people in a race. Stating that there are two people in a race has no bearing on their position within the race. I guess I just think of myself as the first person rather than the second person (regardless of what place I am in!) The other person is always the second person. Oh, and I don't touch the bong...ever.

Inner Strength

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things,



Then you are probably the family dog.

Wow, I can do almost all of those things...

Maybe I should change my name to Rover?

excuse me... jokes only... no logic... no reason... move on... if you over take the second person... congrats...

...and THAT just gave me the biggest belly-laugh of the day!!

I don't!!!

...now try saying that w/a straight face!

Can't say I haven't tried it, but I can say I don't like it and wouldn't do it again!

Two guys are discussing popular family trends regarding s-x, marriage and values.

Stan says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. . . . Did you?''

Roger replies "I'm not sure -- I may have. What's her maiden
_____

I'm thinking ID theft is happening.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

Seems strange, but whatever.....so, answer this question:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

inhale!!

My first instinct was to say "wake up", but I suppose I would just keep going on without trying to overtake the kangaroo since all involved are traveling at the same speed.

I see 2 options
1. Jump onto the back of the Elephant
2. Continue for a little ways, then slow down & take a Left. Because Lions have speed for only short distances then slow way down.

* * Side note, I have felt like today was the OLD "Whats my Line" show. I have been waiting for the announcement of
"Would the real Chanandler Bing / _X_ / Josie Wales / etc. Please Stand Up"

get yer drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round!

Once againg you are clueless (now, how is that a mirror for your life?) with Evil Twin stepping in to help you out. Please keep posting in the Cooler, it's a lot better than having you out in public doing God knows what.

I keep thinking of that Eminem song, "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up, please stand up..."

Clever or not?

Mom: Lets review your math son.
Son: Sure mom.
Mom: If I give you an apple and Daddy gives you another one, what's the answer?
Son: Thank you very much!


Confession

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
_____

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Not a good way to wrap up a Friday, with a reminder of my advanced age.
You thought of a rapper within the last 10 years while thought of a TV Show from the early 60s

OK BACK TO THE JOKES

2 Nuns were traveling a remote area and were so engrosed in their theological debat they didn't realize they were low on gas. Low and Behold they run out of gas, but they knew they had just passed a station a mile of so back.
Dealing with hospitals and patients they were carring some medical supplies. Being resorceful, they took 2 bed pans and walked back to the station and filled them up.
Just as they arrived back to their car and one of them was pouring the first panfull into the tank, a local was passing by - he backed up and said
"I just have to say mam, that is the greatest act of faith I have ever seen"

If it helps at all, I did recognize what show you were referring to...

Sorry, I don't have any jokes to contribute - but I was a member of the math-debate team in high school!

I like that, my minor was Statistics so I can relate.
And I forgot to include "Sheldon" becoming DIRTYdoobydoo for the day.

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh [censored], my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always
has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?

Oh PLEASE!!! First off, I have never seen a kangaroo on an merry-go-round! Kangaroos don't gallop, they hop. I believe you post a lot more than I do. And as far as what I do outside the cooler, other than banking, I fight fires. So, until you are man enough to don a pack and go into a building while everyone else is running out, stick to the jokes princess.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.lol

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**** knows I'm smarter than her.

Kagaroo? Who said anything about a Kagaroo? Also, "Oh PLEASE" posted by a part-time firefighter is gay. Now, hop on over to the Bong and fight that fire.

Wow! You don't even remember what you put in your original post? Who's hit the bong as little too hard? The kangaroo was galloping ahead of me. I'll assume you are an expert on gay and leave it at that. As far as fighting the fire, I did that yesterday thank you very much. Not the bong of course, but four houses (all involved from a single fire). It was refreshing to spend an afternoon and evening in 100 lbs of equipment busting my ass. How'd your pedicure go?

what happened to Jokes Only...

The pedicure turned out well, Oh PLEASE!

40 Years Of Frustration

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their
rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps
his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten s!x!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

How most organizations and offices operate:

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions,

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And they spoke among themselves saying, it is a crock of **** and it stinks."

7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live with the smell."

8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste and it is very strong such that none may abide by it."

9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."

12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it
was good.

14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And this is how **** happens...

no shtt!!

TO: All Coolies
From: Management

Re: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective September 1, 2007 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to management. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of September. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting October 1, 2007.

If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask your
supervisor.

Thank You!
Management

1. It is important to find a woman who helps at home, who cooks a decent meal from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women don't know each other.
_____

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half (except liberals)!
_____

The Best breakup letter so far....

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love,

Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture ofBecky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that nvelope along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the **** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

What kind of a Bee makes milk?

A "Boo-Bee"

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10


No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10


No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids. -- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age
10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. -- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard,
age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out. -- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --
Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is.......

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?


Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck. -- Ricky, age 10

After a lengthy study, A Penn State Professor has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail and thread posts with their hand on the mouse.


Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

HISTORICAL JOKE:
What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?
(Get in the boat!)


CRIME PREVENTION JOKE:
Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels. They were dirty crooks!


ZOOLOGICAL JOKE:
Why do lions always eat raw meat?
(Because they don't know how to cook.)


EDUCATIONAL JOKE:
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
(It gets wet.)


MOVIE THEATER NAVIGATION JOKE:
"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"
"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.
"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.


MATHEMATICS EDUCATION JOKE:
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then
divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

EMPLOYMENT TERMINATION JOKE:
Did you hear about the mattress tester who was fired? He stayed awake on the job.


EMPLOYEE SATISFACTION JOKE:
All the employees at the rubber band factory agreed that their job was a snap!


TELEPHONE CONVERSATION JOKE:
"Hello"
"Hello"
"Is that you, Larry?"
"Yes, this is Larry."
"Are you sure this is Larry."
"Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !"
"This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?"
"I'll tell Larry when he comes in."


COW JOKE:
What is an Eskimo cow called ?
(An eskimoo.)


WORD STUDY JOKE:
What is a forum ?
(A two-um plus a two-um)


AUTOMOTIVE JOKE:
What letters did the man recite to his car when he ran out of gas ?
( O-I-C-U-R-M-T )


FRAGRANCE MARKETING JOKE:
What do you call a very popular perfume ?
(A best smeller.)


THEOLOGICAL JOKE:
When two angels meet, what do they say to each other ?
(Halo ! )


ESKIMO PREFERENCES JOKE:
What was the Eskimo's favorite song?
("Freeze (for he's) a Jolly Good Fellow")


AMERICAN HISTORY JOKE:
What was the Pilgrims' favorite dance?
(The Plymouth Rock.)


SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT JOKE:
How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it?
(Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet.)


HISTORICAL JOKE:
Where did King Arthur take his girl friend on a date?
(To a nightclub [knight club])


COOKING JOKE:
How do you make a lemon drop ?
(Hold it and let it go.)


WRITING INSTRUMENTS JOKE:
What does a pig use to write with?
(A pigpen.)


HISTORICAL JOKE:
What did Napoleon become after his twenty-ninth year?
(Thirty years old.)


EXCESSIVE SKEPTICISM JOKE:
A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."
Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !"
"Yeah, sure" says the bartender.
I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF !" says the dog.
"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"
"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"
"RUFF !" says the dog.
"Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "
"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH !" says the dog.
"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"


ALGEBRAIC JOKE:
Larry: How much is 5Q +5Q ?
Lennie: 10Q
Larry: You're welcome !


RETAIL APPAREL JOKE:
A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn't want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it's too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it's still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10.
"That's more like it!", the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other.
"No problem," says the tailor, "Just hunch up your right shoulder."
So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked.
"No problem," says the tailor, "Just stick out your left arm and [censored] it like a bird's wing."
So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other.
"Well, just keep that leg stiff," says the tailor, "and no one will notice."
"I'll take it!", the guy says.
So the guy leaves the tailor shop wearing the suit, walking with his left leg stiffened, one arm stuck out like a bird's wing, and one shoulder hunched way up.
As he's walking down the street he passes two orthopedic surgeons. One of the doctors says to the other, "I have never seen anyone in such bad shape in my twenty-five years of practice!"
"Me neither," the other doctor says. "But he sure has a nice suit!"


ANIMAL BEHAVIOR JOKE:
A lion spots a monkey walking through the jungle. He grabs him by the neck and roars "Who's the king of the jungle?".
The frighten monkey says, "You are, of course, your majesty."
The lion does this to several other animals, with the same results. Then the lion goes up to an elephant, grabs him by the trunk and roars, "Who's the king of the jungle?"
The elephant picks the lion up with his trunk, bounces him a few times on the ground, grabs his tail, twirls the lion around over his head, and then lets him go flying into a mud puddle.
The lion looks up at the elephant and says, "Well, if you don't know the answer, just say so !"


ZOOLOGICAL RESEARCH JOKE:
(Another "lion" joke! )
A couple of zoologists decided to give a lion a cell phone in order to keep track of his whereabouts. Unfortunately, whenever they tried to call, the lion was busy!


HIGHER EDUCATION JOKE:
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."
"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."
The dog says, "Meow ! "


AIRLINE EFFICIENCY JOKE:
A woman calls the airline office in Chicago and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Seattle?"
The clerk says to her, "Just a second."
"Thank you." the lady says, and hangs up.


FINANCIAL SWINDLE JOKE:
A gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was amazed to hear the gorilla speak, but brought him a beer anyway.
The gorilla finished the beer and handed the bartender a twenty dollar bill. The bartender just couldn't believe that a gorilla knew anything about money, so he only gave back one dollar in change.
"Hope you enjoyed your beer," he said to the gorilla, "We don't get too many gorillas coming in here."
"At nineteen dollars a beer," said the gorilla, "it's no wonder."


WORD STUDY JOKE:
Pharmacist- someone who helps out on a farm.
Paradox- two doctors
Noodle Soup- the best food for your brain

You know you're a redneck when ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
Swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.....( INTERESTING))
5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The salvation army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.... (SO WHATS
YOUR POINT)
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool Whip"
on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table... (IRONING BOARD
WHATS THAT..
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
Improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury Duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Heck Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko...

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma".


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he
turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!


Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius." .
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
______

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
_____

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,and still be afraid of a spider.
_____

First-year students at the University of Alabama's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

First-year students at the University of Alabama's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
-----------------

That's great!

Thanks SVP CubDave - that joke could be used as part of a Listening to Customers Training.

Now, here's one relating to what you eat.

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase..."

Into a Belfast pub comes Patty Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you? asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Patty. "That little [censored] O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Patty, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Patty, "Mrs.. O"Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya' been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course." slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right." the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh thank heavens." sighs the drunk, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The Priest says, "Oh Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says' "That he did, Father." So, the priest says, " And what did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down the damn gun . . .'"

Groaner Puns

Q. What is a cesarean section?

A. A womb with a view.

I hope that they dog Michael Vick for the rest of his life.

There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Q: Why can’t Adam and Eve play craps?

A: G-d took away their pair-of-dice.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.


What did the alien say when he went inside the library?

“Take me to your reader!”

What did the beaver say to the tree?

It’s been nice gnawing you!

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Word has it that an out-of-town conglomorate based in the Philippines has bought the Chicago Cubs. There are no plans to move the team at this time, but if they do, they’ll be called the Manila Folders.

What’s the difference between a cougar and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other’s a pause at the end of a clause!

A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
“That looks nasty,” says the doctor.
“Nasty?!?” replies the man, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

A Chinese gentlemen visits his eye doctor and is told some bad news. "I'm sorry Mr Chen but you have cataracs".
Mr Chen replies, "No, I drive a Rincoln Continental."

A cheap eye surgeon is probably cutting corneas

Stalin’s Tomb is a Communist plot!

A Buddhist approached a hot dog vendor and said, “Make me one with everything.”

Here lies Lester Moore
Shot three times with a .44
No Less
No Moore


“The sign on a cafe said ‘breakfast served anytime’. So, I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” — Steven Wright

Why did the Shetland pony go to the doctor?
Cause it was a little hoarse.


Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

He always broke into a song because he could never find the right key.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip could be defined as someone with a great sense of rumor.

Why are psychologists so unsuccessful with Egyptian crocodiles? Because they’re in denial.

What do clocks eat? Mostly hours-d’oeuvres, in minute amounts, but they do take seconds.

Money doesn’t talk — it just goes without saying.

A restaurant reviewer accused a chef of plagiarism. He didn’t cite his sauces.

Authors re-write, poets re-verse, and dead musicians decompose.

How about the border collie who got a job at a vineyard? He herded through the grapevines.

What did the mother deer say to the other deer? Time flies when you’re having fawn.

If a seismologist gives a lot to charity, is he said to be generous to a fault?

I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.

Don’t criticize nudists. They were born that way.

Geologists are unpopular because they love to find faults.

How does a spy eat his pancakes? Syruptitiously!

A friend asked me if my new lizard was big or small. I responded: ‘’My newt, actually.’’

How does Walt Disney World advertise? Via word of mouse.

What do you do when you are swimming in debt? You float alone.

Marx’s tomb: a communist plot?

Why did the chicken double cross the road? It was fowl play.

Hear about the boomerang maker who recovered from amnesia? It’s all coming back to him now.

Surveyors always do their level best.

Why were the massage therapists separating? She says he just rubs her the wrong way.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

What does the Dentist of the Year get? A little plaque.

Why did the creperie close? Pancake sales had gone flat.

If your sundial is at the back of the herb garden, is it behind the thyme?

What did the cop say about the missing vegetables? ‘’They’ll probably turnip.’

Why don’t clams give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

The book on the history of nudism was based on bare facts, and it came without a jacket.

If Santa Claus had a son, would he be a subordinate claus?

I thought about being a garbologist, but my career counselor trashed the idea.

A robber broke into a deli. They had to change the lox.

I have to upgrade my computer. My grandson tells me it’s state-of-the-ark.

Bakers share bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

The bakers’ union strives to get more dough for those that knead it.

Mozart had difficulty finding a mentor because he was Haydn.

Old kleptomaniacs never die; they just take it one day at a time.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights did make an airplane.

Young Franz had an aquarium filled with anemones in his room. He loved his anemones. One day, he was experimenting with a chemistry set while his parents were downstairs watching TV. When Franz drank the potion he had mixed, he turned into an elephant. As he stomped about, his trunk knocked over the anemone tank, spilling them all over the floor. Upon hearing the commotion, his parents ran upstairs and burst into his room. His mother screamed in shock, “Oh my goodness Franz, look at your anemones!” To which his father replied, “With Franz like this, who needs anemones!”

A man went to his local dentist because his teeth were decaying. During the examination, the dentist the man if he ate a lot of hollandaise sauce. The man inquired why. The dentist said, “hollandaise is very acidic, and it will eat the enamel off your teeth.” He then recommended chrome plated teeth to fix the problem. “Why chrome?” The man asked. “Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!” Replied the dentist.

Does the name, Quasimodo ring a bell?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Two Hawaiians are talking to each other. The first one says "Eh Brah, I was out in da woods da udder night and saw some trees get up an' walk around! It really scared me."
"What you so upset about, Brah. Dem woods was fully of Koa trees, yea?", asked his friend. "Uhhh yea, dey were!", he answered.

"No big thing Brah." said his friend. Y"ou never hear about Koa trees in motion?"


Two peanuts are walking in the park, and one of them is assaulted.

Groaner Puns (continued)........


A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Advertisement: ‘New study on obesity looks for larger test group.’ (I'd say, look in the BOL cooler!)

What do you call a arrogant fugitive falling from a building? Condescending

A woman got pregnant, her doctor told her she was going to have twins. When she told her husband the news, he asked, "What should we name them?" She said, "Adolph and Rudolph."
Two years later, she got pregnant again. Doctor told her she was going to have twins again. When she told her husband the news, he again asked, "What are we going to name these?"

She said, "Get off and Stay off!"


Two termites walk into a saloon. One asks the other, “Is the bartender here?”

A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here."
The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."

A Louisiana farmer grew the world's largest watermelon, which he kept in a melon patch guarded by his faithful watchdog, a collie, who gave birth to a litter of pups
During Hurricane Katrina, the farmer called out to his faithful dog to float her pups over on the prize-winning fruit:

"Come to me on my melon, collie baby!"


Mahatma Gandhi, the famous holy man, developed very thick pads on his feet over a lifetime of walking. In his old age, he became frail and ill, and developed horribly bad breath.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis.


He got his dog and gave the vendor a $20 and waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally he said, "I want change!"

The vendor replied, "Change comes from within..."