Husband's 3rd DWI

I got home last night, checked the mail, only to discover a suspicious piece of mail. It was from a county court office up north. My husband has been up north a lot lately for a job that he has been working on (supposedly), so I felt compelled to open it in case it was important.

I could NOT believe what I was reading. Of course, I got really upset, but I had to pick-up my son from his drum lesson so I tried to keep myself pulled together. I tried calling him on his cell while I was driving and, of course, he did not answer. He finally called me back and I asked him if he "has anything he needs to tell me". He hesitated for a few seconds, then said "Not right now", and I'm like "what if I already know?". He said "it is something that we should talk about face-to-face". Mind you he has been up north for the better part of the last 3 weeks, so when in the he\\ are we going to talk about it face-to-face? He kept this from me for 3 weeks and did not tell me!

I told him after the 2nd time that if this ever happens again, I will leave him. He promised me that he is done with drinking and that he knows he has a problem. That was 5 years ago.

To add insult to injury, a little over a month ago, he confided to me that he had been gambling (playing poker). That day I had questioned him why he was making so many ATM withdrawals from his business account, because it was really starting to add up to a lot of money. I actually asked him numerous times prior but he kept blowing me off. I did not give him a hard time about it, but I told him that he better make good with the finances and that I better not be stuck not being able to pay our bills.

We have two teenagers. One of them is a senior in high school and he has been very difficult pretty much his entire teenage life. Many issues with him, but their relationship is so bad right now, and I fear this may push my son over the edge with anger.

My head is telling me to divorce him. How much more can I possibly take? I mean, how could I possibly continue to stand by him? Right?

Any words of wisdom out there that I haven't heard yet?

I have not been in your situation but I will pray for guidance for you.

I don't mean to kick you while you're down but what about for better or WORSE? Maybe he needs an intervention by those that love and care for him???? Have you guys thought about any type of family counseling?
I really don't mean to sound rude and I honestly can't put myself in your shoes so I'm sorry if it comes out that way.
::hugs and prayers for you and your family::

i don't have words of wisdom for you either, BQ.

but, regardless of anyone's advice, i would bet that in your heart and head, you already know what you need to do - for you and for your kids.

i wish you strength.

BQ, if this isn't the first time, it won't be the last, either. There is a pattern of behavior with your husband that you cannot control. You have to decide if you're going to stick with your behavior pattern, or try something new.

If he has not sought professional help for his problems, I would start by suggesting that. If he is willing to work out his own issues, I would consider a separation (not full divorce) to give both of you some personal space - this may not be a situation that can be resolved together, if it is creating too much tension.

"For better or WORSE" is why I have stayed with him for 17 years. I guess not that it even matters, but this recent incident happened TWO weeks before our 17th anniversary. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that at least he isn't abusive to me anymore, huh? That stopped right before his 2nd DWI.

Apparently, I am just stupid, because I kept thinking that things would get better (and they were for a while), but if crashing through the windshield of a vehicle doesn't make you stop drinking and 45 days in jail doesn't make you stop....you just aren't going to stop.....what does he have to lose? He's obviously not worried about losing me and his kids.

This is so very sad. 17 years is a long time to suffer and wait and then suffer some more. I am truly sorry for your hardships. I hope you find some peace soon.

Have you tried Al-Anon? It may help you understand and come to terms with what is going on with him.

I haven't........but I may do that. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers.

He is not an evil person or anything. Actually, he has a very good heart, which is why I haven't left him. He swears he doesn't want to lose me.....and he hasn't yet, I guess.

He lost his father when he was only 10 years old, and his mother remarried 3 times. One of the step-dads was an alcoholic and abusive to my husband's mother. She left him and married a guy that up-rooted the whole family when he was a freshman in high school. Then the guy started working back where they originally moved from and was commuting. Then....he only came home on weekends....then he started not coming home at all. Pretty traumatic for a kid. Now my sons are suffering the same kind of situation, but they "have" their father. You know?

All things are possible, but only from our Lord Jesus Christ. Do not let anyone throw you into a pit that you will not be able to get out of. Talk with your pastor and church family and if you do not have one then find one. You cannot change your husband and he has to be willing and wanting the change and it will not be an easy challenge to overcome. You can only offer your love and support. Look up and reach out your hand for he is waiting and wanting to help. All you have to do is ask and have faith. Sometimes we are given or sent trials and tributions in our lives because we are not where we need to be.

God Bless you and your family.

BQ...I have been married for 7 years to a man who has had an addiction for 30+ years. All I can say is love him, pray for him, and ask him to get professional help, like an addiction counselor. If he truly cares about you and your kids, he will oblige. He has to want the marriage more than the addiction.

My experience comes from a different perspective. My father was a drug addict and he wouldn't stop. I only have vague memories of him because when he refused to get help or go through any counseling my Mother kicked him to the curb. I never saw him again and looking back I am grateful that I was spared that experience.

I've grown up seeing other friends and family and their children suffer at the expense of people who seems to love their addictions more then their loved ones.

I am not in your shoes, but IMO your first priority needs to be the safety and welfare of you and your children, then worry about your husband. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but you can control what you do about it.

That's a tough one BQ.

I think that the person with the problem has to want to make a major change in their life all on their own and there is just nothing anyone can do to make them get to that point. What else can you but either put up with it or leave?

I deal with a similar situation except for he's been lucky enough never to be caught, I'm sure his luck will run out one day and I always swear that when it happens it's over. I refuse to put my family through that. I talk tough now but we'll see what happens when the time comes.

Best of luck to you and you have our support!!

"An addict who does not want to stop using will not stop using. They can be analyzed, counseled, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop." Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text

Do what you need to for yourself. Groups like Al_anon can help you understand your husband's addiction and support you learning to establish healthy boundaries, whatever course of action you choose to take. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Good luck.

Find an Alanon meeting in your area and there you will find others that understand like few can. No one can 'make another person stop drinking' - I tried for years and years. Just made me sick, physically and emotionally. PM me if you want to talk. {{{HUGS}}}

First of all, I'm going through a really bad time myself and am very bitter....

but I think that sometimes its best to just cut your loses. If a person doesn't care anymore, then they just don't care. It's been my experience (and it's far less then 17 years) that it is nearly impossible to change the way another person lives. you have to do what's best for your kids. After all, life is meaningless if you are unable to pass your morals onto them. I would say that if you truly feel that leaving him is best for your children, then by all means, do so. If you think that this can be worked out then you have to give it your best.

I was raised my whole life without a father and it's hard, extremely, but I'm thankful that my mother cared enough about us to leave him when she did. A DWI is a horrible thing. 3rd DWI only means he's been caught 3 times, not that he's only been drinking and driving 3 times. What happens if he decides it's ok to do so with one of your children in the car? IMHO you have to look at what's best for your kids, not what's best for you and him...

Again, I'm very bitter at my (ex) spouse, so I urge you to take my words with a grain of salt.

BQ, I don't have any advice but as another said, go with your heart and head. Be strong for yourself and your kids.

BQ, I left my first husband after 7 years, solely because he wouldn't stop drinking. I had to make the decision; Do I want my children being raised in an environment where the cycle of drinking, abuse, apology, and short sobriety were continual? That was surely no life for them. When I made the final decision to leave, that's when he entered rehab. I did go visit him there, and he told me...."You know I am doing this for you and the kids, don't you?" I knew then that my decision to leave was the right one...he needed to do it for himself, not for us. I have a great family and wonderful friends who where there for me when I thought I would go crazy...trying to handle three pre-school age children while learning to be on my own. Looking back, I ask myself...would I have made the same decision if I had to do it all over again? Most definitely! He still drinks!

Whichever route you choose, I wish you peace.

My ex-husband was an alcoholic. I know that he had four, maybe five, DWIs during our 10 year marriage. His drinking slowly increased over the years. His verbal abuse began to change to physical toward not only me but our son. He always told me that he wasn't an alcoholic - he could quit drinking any time he wanted to, he just didn't want to (classic denial) so of course he never went for treatment. When he wasn't drinking, he was one of the nicest men I knew, but when he was drinking . . .

He has now almost no relationship with his son because he would call him while he was drunk and cry and complain about how badly life is treating him. Now my son screens his calls and doesn't talk with him. He doesn't want his father to be around him or want his family around him.

My son has said in the past he couldn't understand why I stayed with him as long as I did. I did it because I was raised that marriage was forever, that I still loved him (but he finally killed that love), and that his son needed him. This man will never change because he doesn't want to change.

Sorry you're in this type of situation. It can be an absolute h@ll. Do what is best for you and your sons as you see it.

Great advice so far, especially to hook into support groups like Al-Anon and concentrate on yourself and your sons. Mentally, physically, fiscally - can you afford to keep on "walking on eggshells" wondering when the next crisis will hit?

One thing others haven't emphasized is the possible, developing addiction to gambling. Frequently addicts exchange one addiction for another, or just pile on addictions.

It's a tough decision, a tough road, and we're all pulling/praying for you.

Thank you everyone for being so caring and open about your experiences. For those of you that have been through it, and survived, is what gives me hope that whatever decision I make it has to be about my kids and me. Not him. I do know that, really.

I still have not spoken with him anymore about it. I don't know when that will happen. He finally came back from up north last night, but I wasn't ready to talk to him. The thought just made me more angry.

I'm guessing that he will be going away for a much longer period of time than the last, but I don't know when that's going to happen because I know that he plead "Not Guilty". So he must be fighting it on "probable cause". In any event, that is going to drag this whole thing out, I'm sure.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that one of my younger brothers happened to be in the vehicle with him, along with a couple others, the night that he was busted. He seems to actually think that my husband was OK to drive when he got pulled over, but that's neither here nor there right now. Of course, they ALL had been drinking.

Anyway, thank you all of you so much for sharing your thoughts.

Good luck with what ever you decide BQ.

That's already happened. He admitted to me about a month ago that he had been gambling. Playing poker to be exact. Hearing him admit that was like he was stabbing me right in the heart.

My mother has a gambling addiction that resulted in my parents' divorce. My father lost out in a huge way financially. In addition to having to sell their house, just to get out of debt, he agreed to pay her half of his pension (he was starting retirement at the time he was divorcing her). Anyway, to date, he has paid HER in excess of $150,000 and I know for a fact she is still in debt up to her eyeballs. In just makes me SICK (not to mention angry).

did someone mention eyeballs??





sorry. wanted to bring a teensy joke your way...

BQ, I pray for you to have the wisdom to reach the right decision, and the courage to take the action that goes along with it.

Addiction is a horrible thing, and can't be overcome unless the person commits to it.

Hang in there, and we're here for you if you need us.

I actually thought that was quite funny. I may lose everything else, but I want to keep my sense of humor intact.

Thanks.

Remember that you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. Get to Al-Anon and start examining the reasons you are still in the relationship. YOU have to be healthy for your kids.

Also, realize that if this continues, there may be civil repercussions for damages to property (or heaven forbid loss of life if he kills someone) and as long as you are married that means his poor choices can wipe you out financially. Once again, you need to think about what that would mean for your kids. College? Health care?

I'm sure this isn't easy and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Not experienced and I've not been in thisd situation, but my un-biased and un-emotional reaction is...leave him.

You leave your future to too much risk if you stay with him. Like you said, you've tried for 17 years. That's a big effort. At some point, enough is enough. Sounds to me like it's that point.

BQ - There's one question that a lot of this rides on - Do you Love Him? Look at yourself and him honestly and openly and see if you still love him.

I have put up with many things in 30 years that many people would not have. But, at the end of the day, my heart still leaps when I hear his voice or see a glimpse of him.

If the answer is yes, try an intervention or whatever it takes. If that doesn't work, then you have a decision to make.

Good Luck!

Pooh,
While my mother would agree with you. I do not.
See my parents (after 31 years together are going through something quite similar). I am the eternal optimist, this you must know about me. And my mother is the same. She doesn't want to give up hope, and feels that this too shall pass.

My father's drinking is the stem of it all - the girlfriend that we found out about this summer, the treating 'his girls' like [censored], the denial...

His DUI was 20 years ago, but his actions have never changed. He still drinks and drives, he still denys, and now he had found a new addiction - this other woman. In our case I think that it is just that, another addiction. They go to counseling and then he sends a text to the new girl...yuk.

As a child watching all of this unfold, I am sick with grief. Sick over the loss of my parents relationship. Sick.
I can't stand watching him drink. I can't stand the person that he has become. And if my mother wants to put up with it, fine, but I am out.

I am sorry for adding my own stuff to your post, but wanted to offer another side. Everyone here gave good advice, I have been eagerly reading it for myself.

My prayers are with you.
Seek professional help.
Don't make a rash decision.
God Bless.

My heart goes out to you QF - I can't imagine.

While I have dealt with many things, addiction by my husband has not been one. I consider myself very,very lucky about that. I can see where you pulled your name from. Fortitude must be something you deal with every, single, day, of, your, life. I will keep you and your mother and your family in my prayers also.

This thread has pulled so much at my heartstrings. There are so many of us who have dealt with so much.

I do understand addiction - but in our case, it was our son. One of the greatest things about this forum is This Couch. We all pull strength from one another and are glad to give it back in return.

May you all have a great weekend! Any if you are San Fran fans - don't worry, you'll have another win under your belts on Sunday



P.S. Go Phillies

Wishing you strength and courage in whatever decision you choose, BQ.

Thank you LaBG.....and thank you QF for your perspective also. I'm sorry and can totally relate. My mother has a gambling addiction and it's hard to see past that even with the nice things she tries to do. She means well, so I try to remember that.

Take care.

BQ, my heart goes out to you. I'm in a wonderful second marriage now, but let me tell you about my first.

I loved him completely, more than I will ever love another human being. At first, our life was perfect, fun, the stuff dreams are made of. Then, over the course of a couple of years, he became an alcoholic (his dad had been once also, but was sober for the time I knew him well). First, he just drank at home a bit. Then, he'd stay up late a bit (drinking of course). The he started to go out with his friends (eventually ever single night). Finally, when he had lost his job and I was working full time, plus getting my bachelors full time, and he was doing a couple of hours a semester at the community college, he'd crack a beer when I got up to the alarm in the morning. He'd drink all day, all night, catch a few hours sleep and start again. More than spare money went to booze - I had to hide $$ just to pay the rent and utilities. Then, the cheating started. First "just" a girl I had to work with every day (I can't tell you the pain I still feel when I think about that). Then his classmates. All these females calling in the middle of the night, all day on the weekends when he was playing softball (except he'd be taking a break off field if I ever went to check on him). Husbands on my doorstep when I got off work wanted to know were the #$%^&*&^%$# their wives were since they hadn't seen them in days while they were "studying" with my husband. Then, when I thought it wouldn't get worse, he started hitting me (I'm sure it's because I stopped holding my tounge about everything but still, seriously?). Now he had broken my 3 cardinal rules - don't beat on me, don't cheat on me, and don't ever lie to me. We were like roommates after that. Of course, when we'd have $eX, he couldn't understand why I wouldn't get off birth control so we could have a child. Like I needed to bring a child into this hellhole? I think he just wanted to trap me and felt like a child would make it more difficult to leave (and he was right about that).

All that being said, he wouldn't see a counselor, but I decided to anyway. It was the best thing I've ever done for me in my whole life. The counselor didn't ever tell me what to do or what I should do, just made me examine my own perspectives for my actions. Once you get that clarity (and I shifted a couple of times before I found the truth inside of me), you won't be 2nd guessing your decision, no matter what that may be.

Best of luck and hope to you BQ. My life has shifted completely, and I learned important life lessons from my 1st marriage. I felt like a failure and "used goods" when I finally left him, but life has an amazing ability to heal me over time. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk me more.

Becca

{{hugs}} for all the brave souls who posted their horrible stories on here. you have all dealt with terrible things and have come out stronger and better than before. i have a new respect for all of you. congratulations for your victories.

I am praying for you and your family BQ. While many of us here have had similar experiences, only you and your children know what your life is like. I know that Alanon helped my cousin and I also recommend a meeting or two.

I thank each and every one of you for your candor and sharing your experiences and prayers. The prayers are helping and I feel a bit stronger every day.

I hope that I can maintain the strength that I feel right now to move on with my life, eliminate the drama and strengthen my relationship with my boys. I hope they will see a happier mom some day and know that everything is going to be OK.

Thank you all sooo much!

Life can be very humbling sometimes when we have to admit we don't have all the answers. This is especially true when we are the ones who are supposed to be able to face any situation without flinching and tell everyone else how to cope. But, dear one, no one is perfect and no one can exist in isolation.

I would recommend that you speak with a counselor first...even before you have the conversation with your husband if possible. This way you can work through a lot of the emotional part and get down to what you really want him to hear.

You've made a huge step in getting your support group moving. There are people who surround you who will be willing to step up and be who you need them to be. All I can be right now is another voice to Heaven on your behalf...which I will do.

We each are responsible for the choices we make. Please don't allow your anger and hurt to cause you to make decisions you will later regret. Think through your options; talk through your feelings and choices; do all this BEFORE you make a decision. Some decisions, there's no going back...May God guide you and protect you and your family as you struggle with the next step. He is good...all the time.

Psalm 23

Alcoholism is a disease, first and foremost, and as a result, abstinence is not recovery. The alcoholic cannot stop drinking permanently without a recovery process for life. This is what you have to realize, as does your husband. When alcoholism came into my family, I was completely naive about the whole thing, thinking I could change the person and help them stop. You can't. But what you can do is educate yourself on this disease and more importantly, educate yourself on what role you play for your husband and kids.

I went through an intense family recovery program that taught me how not to enable the alcoholic, taught me how to set boundaries for them and not deviate, taught me how to stop walking on eggshells or immersing myself in self-inflicted guilt, how to keep myself healthy and sane, because alcoholism creates an environment devoid of communication and honest feelings. In short, helping yourself first by educating yourself is the most important step for both you and your kids. By doing so you will reach the stage where you can say to the alcoholic a mantra we learned: "we, the people who love you are going to get on the bus, and you are welcome to join us in the road of life; if you choose to get on, we will support you, but understand we are going on with or without you. The choice is yours". This was the hardest lesson I ever learned. I would be glad to share specifics and programs if you want to PM me.

I can give a perspective from the other side as well. My PM is always open.

Find an Al Anon meeting and go. Don't do anything while you are emotionally upset. (unless your safety is at stake)

Kudos to the last four posters - you all said what needed to be said and for the best interest of those involved. Thank you. Continued prayers and well wishes for you BQ.

Go, go now, find meetings. In our small town of < 50,000 we have them almost every day of the week, during lunch and in the evening. Go every day if you can. There are no fees or dues, although they accept donations to keep the coffee pot on.

I am very touched reading all these posts and the wonderful assistance offered. Been a memeber of Alanon for 13 years and I can honestly say that being involved has saved my health, my sanity and allowed me to find serenity and peace. Two recovering alocholics in my life and their programs have saved their lives. Boy do I agree with GenerousLife, go, go now, find meetings. There are meetings everywhere

May the God of your Understanding bless you all, you have warmed my heart.

Along with all of the emotional issues to consider - are you protected finacially? Personal accounts? What if he causes an accident while driving? It would be even more horrible to be on the defense end of a civil suit if he hurts someone - in addition to what is already happening to your family. Maybe consider consulting an attny, too?

This is a very good point. In time, they will see what a difference it made for you and ultimately for them. It's amazing how much stress passes to children without really being aware of it.
Prayers for you guys!!