Caring for our parents

Issues regarding the care of our parents have come up in a couple of threads lately. So this thread is created for discussing, sharing of information and advice, venting, and generally shoring each other up as we deal with our aging parents.

BB1 offered what to me seems to be the tag line for this thread. Remember all that your parents have done for you. It will help get you through whatever they do.

Definitely good advice. It's so easy to get frustrated with them - and the older they get the worse it is.

I wonder if it really gets worse or if role reversal of caring for our parents and facing our own immortality is what makes it harder.

It's hit home with me lately that my mom is 87 and fully functional and vital and healthy and I am freakin' lucky that she is. People always comment on what a wonderful person she is. I need to see that about her too and show more patience with the little things that are failing her, like her hearing.

HOney, if all you have to deal with is failing hearing, you are blessed beyond your wildest imagination.

Truff - I don't know if it will work in your case - but sometimes if my mom can't understand me over the phone with a word she'll have me spell it - and then it clicks with her.

I know, right?! There are other issues but they are thankfully minor compared to what some of the rest here are dealing with.

Actually, Skittles, if I need her to really hear something, I call her using the intercom on our landline. It allows her to focus on the sound coming into her good ear. When I talk face to face to her, background noise and whether or not she has her hearing aide in come into play.

It is all realative (no pun intended) to what you are use to I suppose. I never really considered having to bathe my mom or help her with toilet chores. But here it is and it needs to be done so you do it.
You also have to prepare yourself fo rbeing ready to deal with a parent that is taking care of your other parent. Their life changes dramamtically and that presents its own issues too.
You have to remember that your perspective is not the same as theirs and this requires a whole new type of patince.
So I have been dealing with helping dad, whose mind is fully intact but he is short on patience and dealing with mom who is still fairly mobile but whose mind has changed dramatically.
I suppose the real trick for all of us to keep our lives and our roles in perspective. Its challenging, but I also remember that whatever I percieve as my "issues", it couls all be so much worse than it is.

My mother-in-law is going to be 98 later this month. Hearing is one problem. She also is too weak to walk and is wheelchair bound. Some days she's fairly sharp mentally, and some days she confused. She doesn't have much appetite, and is slowly losing weight. We always grateful for the occasional moment where she'll interject some humorous remark that cracks us up and reminds us of the old days.

We're beyond this with my mom and dad. Dad passed away in 2000, and mom immediately began the slide into dementia that ended in 2006. I can't believe how frequently I dream about them.

My wife has a hard time watching her mom whither away in a nursing home. She swears she will never spend a day in a nursing home.

Mom's had knee replacement so she tires quickly and gets frustrated for slowing everybody down. But then she gets depressed and ornry when she can't get out to do some shopping or whatever. So I did some research and picked up a transport chair for $150 with free delivery. It folds small and weighs only 20 lbs. I got the one with the solid rear tires so I don't have to worry about flats somewhere. I won't have to worry about finding a place to rent a wheelchair for her when we travel anymore either.

The mother in law may have just been diagnosed with Alzheimers today. I'm not completely in the know, because I'm hearing things 3rdhand, but my wife is kind of freaking out about the idea that she may lose her mother. She knows her dad won't survive without her mom.

Prayers for Pat are welcome!

You got it!

As for not surviving without a spouse, I've been amazed more than once on what humans can do when they have to. In my experience, the best thing to do is not have expectations any particular way but to deal with things as they come up.

Want to hear/read something funny? My 89 year old mother is afraid that if she goes first then my 92 year old father will get a girlfriend and she'll go through all of their money so there won't be anything left for us kids. My mother worries about absolutely EVERYTHING!

Wow Skittles, you have your hands full there.

My dad used to worry that his social security benefit was going to go away and then how would he live? After a couple of years of trying to reassure him that social security wouldn't stop in his lifetime and he would be fine I finally said to him that he must not think much of his daughters if he thought we would just let him live on the streets. It was a very real fear for him.

When my grams (I know not a "parent" but I did live with her in my early years, so parental) was in her final years of Alzheimer's, changing my perspective kept me sane.

When she thought that she was six and waiting for the bus and couldn't find her brother Donald (who had just passed away weeks prior) and he was going to miss the school bus, I climbed up into her nursing home bed with her and we talked about the places that Don could be. We talked about the clothes that her and Don were wearing.It calmed her. And me.

When she wanted to sit on the "davenport" (couch) and wait for my grandpa to come in from the field, we sat on a couch in the hall at the nursing home and pretended. My grandpa couldn't do it in the beginning. He couldn't take on that new role for the longest time.

She is no longer with us. In the beginning, she kept running away, which is why we ended up needing to put her in a secure wing of the nursing home. I was blessed that my dad was able to make this decision for us. He was the one to get the late night phone calls when grandma tried to stage a break-out (no kidding) with the other residents. He was the one that got the phone calls when she would fall and he was the one that set up hospice. For all of you children that are doing this, on behalf of the siblings, and the grandkids, I thank you. I know it is thankless work, but thank you anyway for doing it.

My Aunt was like that, Sarah. She got caught up in all kinds of scams trying to 'win a lottery' and stuff, she lots $1000's before I realized what was happening.

My mom, rest her soul...decided she re-married (long after my Dad was gone) but it was to one of my Dad's FRIENDS!

She went on an elaborate honey moon and everything!

It was heck, but I wish they were still here to take care of....

I honestly would rather my mother didn't have anything left to leave. Because she lives with me, I'm her executor...and POA. She wants me to have everything because she's lived with me for 17 years now and I've 'earned it'. But because she lives with me, you KNOW there'll be trouble if she does leave whatever's left to me. Seems no matter how grateful everyone is while you're the one doing the caring, they all think they're entitled when the person is no longer around to be cared for.

Yeah, we have put all the phones on shelves where mom can't reach them. She has already agreed to a few things I had to take care of and we found one phone in the freezer along with some cash. She's only 4'10" so its pretty easy to find a place to put them that are out of her reach. But I had to keep them in reach of dad (5'5"). Don't have to worry about the cell phones. She lost those long ago.

One other thing to mention for those that may just be getting into this, be aware that their filter on what not to say stops funtioning. Mom has told more than one large person that they have a fat arse. Just random people out in public. Also told some poor guy that was talking a little louder than others in a restaurant that he could kiss her backside (not how she said it).
If you figure out their triggers and patterns, you can steer them away from such things though.

BTW, if yo are laughing, its ok. Laughter is part of what gets you through this stuff.

Truff, I got dad to put everything into a trust and create a very detailed will, just to avoid all that. there is only my sister and I, amd I dont think we would disagree about any of it, but this eliminates (or reduces) the possiblity.

Mom is 85 and doing OK for someone with congestive heart failure. She lives alone (next door to me) and no longer drives. Shopping is a huge drain, so she is getting out less and less. The best thing I've done is to hire (private pay) home health twice a week for recording vitals and personal care. They do other things like changing the sheets and a load of laundry. Having home health just for those two hours a week has been a huge relief for me and at $25/hr a real bargain. Every three months an RN drops in for an assessment. These don't take the place of doctor visits, but it is someone else's eyes on her besides mine.

The other thing was the life alert button. (different brand though). That gives her confidence that she can push the button and get help.

Make sure you have Advance Directives done and go ahead and have the "talk" about final wishes. It's hard, but it really does give them peace of mind.

We've now added my husband's brother to our caretaking. He has lived with us for 11 years and is now having health problems. Very hard on my husband, both mentally and physically.

He will eventually not live with us ..... that is going to be the tough day.

To the person who doesn't want to be in a nursing home. There are good ones and we are fortunate to live in a community with several excellent ones. It is not the worst situation to be in. There is a sense of community and the residents care for one another to the extent that they can.

Bless all who post here, not everyone has the same experience but by sharing what we do, perhaps someone can find peace and guidance ...... and yes, laughter makes it easier.

The filter definitely stops working. When my father came home from the hospital in January after 11 days they had physical therapists and home health care workers in and out for several weeks. Apparently mom was pointing out their antiques and telling these indivuals how old they were, etc. My parents still live alone and have a security system, but you shouldn't point out your valuables to strangers who know how frail you are.

Had a very nice meal with Mom and Dad this weekend for my youngest daughter's birthday. We went to my daughter's favorite restaurant (Cheever's) for her favorite cheat meal (Jalepeno chicken fried steak) . Mom did amazingly well. She new who everybody was and was courteous to all the staff. She only called dad a jacka$$ once. Thats actually better than before she had dementia.

My dear old mother reverted to cussing everyone out in German and Yiddish in her last few years. It was and at the same time.

My mom was on morphine for her last two-three weeks. We had some interesting conversations. It was difficult at first because I tried to disprove her hallucinations. But once I realized they were just that, hallucinations, I rolled with it.

My Mom has Alzheimer's and I do a lot of "rolling with it"! Her "reasoner" is broken, so I try and keep that in mind. She too has lost her filter - which can make for some interesting comments - especially in Church when she doesn't use her inside voice!

Not to be a Debby Downer, but I will say that I don't think our country is ready for what is to come with the amount of people that are and will be suffering from the different dementias in the coming years.

There's a sweet little old lady at my MIL's nursing home who misses her children horribly. A year ago, she would ask everyone if they had seen her children. Now, she cries almost constantly. I believe her family visits frequently, but she's so sad when they're not there. It's heartbreaking.

One more story, then I'll quit with sad stuff. Poet and retired EIU English professor Bruce Guerney's dad was in a VA home in Pennsylvania. One day, he wandered off, in the middle of winter. Despite massive searches, they couldn't find him. His remains were found several years later by hikers.

For reassurance, the likelihood of this happening in a facility these days are much less. The standards for caring for patients with dementia are much stricter. Nursing homes now either have to have a lock down area or simply not take patients with dementia. Doors are outfitted with alarm systems and dementia patients wear bracelets that set them off. The staff to patient ratios are usually higher too. About the worst that happens now is someone may wander into the wrong room.

"About the worst that happens now is someone may wander into the wrong room."

Ok, I've got a story about that too. My mom was in a nursing home (where my MIL is now) that had hallways going off from a central nurses station like spokes on a wheel. It's easy for anyone to get down the wrong hall. One confused woman regularly went in mom's room and went to sleep in mom's bed. One day mom got so mad, she took off her slipper started spanking the woman with it. We had to have a meeting with the staff about that. It was just like having to meet with the principal when your kid misbehaves in school.

My dad lived in a complex for seniors. His building was independent living. There was a man that lived in the same building that targeted my dad from almost the day he moved in. It was kind of sad to see the bullying going on at that age. But, being the stubborn German that he was, my dad never backed down once the other guy started. And I know that my dad could be a jacka$$ but he would never start stuff like that. I spoke to the manager and she placed blame squarely on both of their shoulders. Okay, I can deal with that. We told my dad to steer clear of this guy and just walk away when he wanted to start carp. And he did until this guy jumped him right outside his apartment door one afternoon. He physically attacked my dad. That time I did not just let things lie. I made it perfectly clear when I talked to the manager that either that man left the building, permanently, or we were pressing charges. Turns out the man was suffering from a form of dementia brought on by kidney failure. He thought my dad was messing around with his girlfriend. His kids came and got him that afternoon, admitted him to the hospital and he passed away about a week later.

That's sad Sarah, but I'm afraid that I would be with you. If something or someone threatens your parents, your first rection is definitely not "Lets analyze this". Or least mine isnt. Its "Protect!", period.
The management of the facility, might have been able to do more than they did, however.

That was truly one of the most horrible things that I dealt with regarding my parents. But to give the situation some levity...my dad had just come from the hardware store where he had purchased a new toilet plunger so he fought this guy off with the plunger and his 15 lb mini-schnauzer!

Yeah, toilet plungers at 10 paces.....
I could see that!

I just have to add that those of us with adult children could share this with them. Whenever I do something ( like trip and hit cheek on night stand resulting in lovely black eye, or recently, walking into furniture and breaking & dislocating toe) my daughter says "And so it begins!"

Keep in mind the distinct difference between assisted living and a nursing home. Assisted living is much less monitored than a nursing home. If you have a parent in an assisted living facility and you feel someone else in the facility is acting strangely or threateningly, you should make sure the director of the facility knows your concerns, maybe even in writing. If you don't feel your concerns are getting enough consideration, contact the ombudsman assigned to the facility. Ombudsman information and the latest exam findings must be made available to the public in care facilities.

fyi: My daughter has been director of nursing in a nursing home and is now the Health Services Director of an assisted living facility. I was the office manager of the nursing home when she was there. Then I got sucked back into the financial world. Guess that's when my dementia started. :0

My dad is 84 and my mom is 78 this year. Blessed beyond all comprehension that they are healthy as they are and able to remain in their home. The only real irritant is my mom is losing her hearing. She has hearing aids yet she choosed to call and talk to me at work while NOT wearing them. She can't understand why I refuse to yell into the phone at work - gets her feelings hurt.... I just don't understand why she won't wear them.......

Does she not want to wear them - or she forgets to put them in/on? My mother won't put hers on until after her shower, so if I speak with her before then I'm either yelling or spelling.

ETA - also Walden, they don't work really well for phone conversations - at least my mother's don't.

FWIW Hearing aids with telecoils work best on the phone. When using hearing aids without them they can produce a high pitch squeal like when you put a microphone up to a radio only much louder as the Hearing aid is much closer to you ear.

If she uses them with a speakerphone it may be better all around.

Thanks for the tips. She has never indicated that she had trouble using them with the phone.

Yes - speakerphones help a great deal - and thanks Ed. I had forgotten about that.

She does not wish for you to know that she can not hear in the first place so...

BINGO! And my mom gets po'd when I ask her to repeat what I just told her too.

I have been operating under the impression that she, who won't wear her hearing aid (she's deaf in one ear with 50% hearing left in the other) could hear me when she held the phone up to her good ear. But just yesterday she totally misunderstood what I asked her to do when I called from work so I'm now concerned that she's getting a bit muddled.

Can I just thank all y'all for being here to listen? Just saying it and knowing others are facing similar trials is a huge shoring up for me.

Truff - can your phone become a speaker phone, too? Honestly - it really does help with their hearing and understanding.

Yes it can but Mom doesn't do well with remembering which button to hit on the phone or the remote. She's a wiz with her nook and tablet tho. Go figure!

Red nail polish

We tried something like that. If she can't set it back to normal afterwards she gets all flustered. Having her home alone and flustered is not a good idea.
New theme song "let it go...let it go."

OK, just forget the fact that we ar all discussing this over thousands of miles (fairly miraculous in itself), but how many of us thought, when we were in our 20's, we would EVER be having such a discussion? Much less with people that many of us have never actually met in the flesh! Not to mention how helpful it would be to do so?!?!?!

Admittedly I get amazed by the oddest things.

Very true, BBB1.

Truffle - when my mother-in-law lived with us the remote to the television really blew her mind. My husband drew the remote - actual size - and used the diagram to show her which buttons to push to do various things. Could someone do that for your mother and the speaker phone? Just a thought? It did help in our house.

I remember well when I had to disappear all cordless phones from my mom. She would leave them on and lose them and you then could not reach her to check on her.

It's danged if you do and danged if you don't sometimes. It's like the cordless would be better if she fell and had it with her since she couldn't reach the corded phone. But by leaving it to go dead, it was absolutely worthless.

Check the freezer. Thats where we found the phones.....
amoung other things.
yup, for real.

Had many issues with Cold Calls?

Although joking aside, that is another thing to keep in mind with your parents with dementia/alheimers, they are easy prey for phone scammers. Keeping them from randomly answering the phone is a pretty good idea.
Also, they sometimes will say things that not everyone will understand. They can be very mean sometimes and its hard to get everyone to understand that it is the disease.

What an awesome thread. My parents are heading in the direction of needing more and more help with things and it's nice to see I'm not alone in that boat; and some of the suggestions on here are great. Thank you!

This was a good idea. Although I'm passed all of that now, unfortunately, I sure could have used this kind of support back then.

Many of my trust customers were elderly and I played the role of a family member many, many times. That included being an arbitrator of family disputes, making health care decisions and, ultimately, being a pall bearer. When Mrs. D called, my secretary would quickly scoot across the reception area to close my door because I would be screaming at the top of my lungs so she could hear me. The conversation usually ended with me agreeing to stop by on my way home from work to talk to her.

Unfortunately, the skills I acquired did not help me with my Mom. She was very sharp right up to her death, but like a lot of elderly people she refused to give up a little independence in order to save most of her independence. On the other hand, I learned how to provide support to my parents by watching my Dad support his; he acknowledged his frustrations, but he consistently did what he knew was right. When it was my turn to occupy that role he was always appreciative and cooperative, always...

If you're in a "sandwich;" i.e. serving as a parent to both your children and your parents at the same time, it's very difficult and you have my respect. You want to be able to remember that you did your best, even if other members of your family did little or nothing. Remember too, your children are watching.

I think one of the hardest things I had to do was take the car keys away from my Aunt. She had no children and my sister lived far away...so everything trying to manage my mom and my Aunt who both had mental issues was left to me.

She was very independent and loved to go places and do things.

It was a very sad day. Sometimes the things we have to do as responsible adults, when we still would rather just be a 'kid' are some of the most difficult situations and decisions you will ever have to face.

Ken brings up a point about being in the middle, which means that we spend time supporting both our parents and our kids. Even if you have grown children, it likely that you still feel responsible to be there for them, and that is great! But is equally important that somewhere in there you save time for you and for you and your spouse. And you need to learn to do it without the guilt trip.

When you find the recipe for learning to do it without the guilt trip - please share! And you'll probably be able to retire from banking once you package and sell it.

This is a great discussion and very relevent topic in today's world. I would have found the support and ideas very helpful when I was in this situation a few years ago.

I agree Pjps. But it really is a must. It will impove your relationships with all of the concerned parties. It must be a priority.
Time for you can be doing what you enjoy for just 30 minutes a day or going away with your other half for a day or two. It can be hard to arrange, but it really needs to happen.

It's the guilt trip that's so hard to deal with. I KNOW I deserve to spend time with my husband but I feel bad knowing Mom's sitting alone at home eating a toasted cheese sandwich instead of coming out with us. No matter how many times she tells me I deserve to go do it, it's the sad little 'I wish your father had lived longer so we could have done it too' at the end that twists my heart.

I know it Truff, but its really important for you and for her.
We will sometimes make sure that they have friends coming over or that my daughter is going to do something with them, arrange a dinner to be delivered and a favorite movie for them to watch.

I'm kind of coming at this a bit from both angles (my parents are getting old and having health issues; i have a son who is in college now) and here's my two cents: As a parent, i have NO desire whatsoever for my son to feel like at some point in my life, he has to 'take care of me'. At the same time, i understand as someone with older parents that i feel a need to help them. So, it's sort of a two-edged sword (that's pronounced "soared" for Mani... ) i suppose.

I think that's just natural. We don't want to be a burden to our kid(s). But, when our parents become needy we feel the need to help and see that sometimes...that's just how the circle of life works.

What depresses me is to see folks in a home who never have ANY family to come see them. Even when they have family.

I agree it needs to happen - and we did make it happen. As TR says, the guilt trip was very difficlut to deal with - whether it came from someone else or from myself.

It definitely wasn't easy making the time with two very active high school age kids, involvement in several volunteer community organizations, being primary caregiver to an aging & ailing parent and working a full-time job. My siblings didn't live close so it all fell on my shoulders.

I did learn the value of saying 'sorry, no' when I was stretched too far. And to this day, I'm fairly picky about which 'opportunities' I commit to! I consider my free time, at this stage of my life, as my reward for when I didn't have much control over how my time was spent(not that I would have changed much of it).

Joker...i agree...i just really have this thing of not wanting to burden my son with any of that.....or anyone else really.

I am 100% sure that my parents and virtually every other parent we're discussing had this exact same thought. But, as one of the others said, 'it's the circle of life.' I know the time will come when I'll need to be living with someone younger who can help me as I age. Haven't decided who I'd want that to be and I just hope I'll get a say in the matter.

My parents are determined not to be a "burden" to their children. They've purchased long term care insurance a while back and have picked out their assisted living facility/nursing home for when the time comes. They do NOT want to leave their home town and neither of their daughters live there any more.

Walden my grandparents did the same but when it was time to go they forgot they agreed to those terms. LOL Now I'm 1200 miles away and my poor Dad is trying to keep up with them. My Grammy hauled off and smacked another resident for snoring about a month ago.

It's never a dull moment.

I don't have children so my niece thinks that she's going to take care of me when I am old. I told her not to worry and just put me in a comfortable room with cable TV, an internet connection and my Kindle and I will be fine. She said, "Yeah but, what if you and Mom are like Grandpa?!". Poor girl.

My parents had it all figured out too...they do change their minds..but Daddy had warned me this could happen and to do what I needed to do to make sure they were not a burden on me when the time came and they fought it. They even bought different furniture that would fit in a smaller room.

Daddy passed away and left me with my MOTHER to deal with. He didn't prepare me well enough for her. I remember the one 'warning' he gave me. "Your mother is a very intellegient, but very complicated woman".

I thought to myself later on. "Ya THINK? Gee Daddy...couldn't you have you been just a little bit more forthcoming and coached me just a little bit more in the ways of my mom?" I really never knew just how much 'covering up' he had done for her in their last years together before he passed away...wow....just wow.

Some days you just can't do a darn thing but laugh about it all. And like someone else said above...wish they were back again so you could do it all over again.

My Dad gave me the short course:

Him: You're going to have to deal with your mother.
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: You have to understand, you can only ---- her off so many times.
Me: Yes, sir.

I always thought he should have ----ed her off a few more times than he did.

We didn't realize how much Mom kept Dad under control until she wasn't there to do it anymore. Ugh

Isn't this ^^^ the definition of a good marriage?

Dad never showed mom how to write checks.

Well mom has a memory issue and quite possibly dad showed her how several times just like the 50 times I did the past month with her asking each time can you show me how to write checks.

There is really no controlling mom. Its more a matter of trying to out guess her. And most of that comes from experience after the fact. For instance dont just let mom get up at a restaraunt because you think, or because she says she needs to go to the restroom.
Why? Because she may sit down with strangers on the way to the bathroom and tell one of them they have a really large behind. So ok, lesson learned there.

tell one of them they have a really large behind.

Could be that they do not know this fact and she is providing a much needed community service.

It is a something she has really taken to heart. When we have her in public places, we try to steer her away from those that are booty enhanced. But I'm telling you, for a little, tiny women, she is really quick over a short distance and is sometimes strongely motivated to share the message.

Could you please NOT do that without a spew warning BB1!!! Holy carp. I can just picture 6'+ you trying to steer someone the size of my 4'10" mother away from a unsuspecting booty target. I can't stop giggling at the mental image. Sorry...but I think we all needed a good chortle so thank you.

Remind me never to turn my back on your Mom.

The filters are gone; they say what they always wanted to say.

Ed...be careful on this one. My dad always paid the bills, although my mother could write a check. Having said that, at some point she started adding extra zero's...NOT a good thing!!!

Needless to say, I took over the check-writing real quick and in a hurry for her and for my Aunt,who I think I mentioned, gave tons of money away to scammers before I found out about it.

I took over the check book already.

she will not give money to anyone 'even the ones that she is supposed to give it to.

Oh its watch worthy, I promise! The TV people would pay good money for it as a reality show. We have been lucky so far in that people are both understanding and have a nice sense of humor about it. I am sure that we have made someones day with a good story to tell.

Homes for the elderly need to catch up on technology quickly. I cannot see the baby boomers choosing a retirement/nursing home without wifi. In my MIL's nursing home, which is top quality, you can't even get a decent cellphone connection.

That'll happen when WiFi becomes a Medicare benefit.

I always wonder how old people will sound 60 years from now when they're pining for the "old music" played by Snoop Dogg or Wu Tang Clan.

I got strange looks from a 20 something this morning because I had the roof open, the windows down and Black Sabbath banging away on the car radio....
So I guess I'm there.

I'm right there with you, BB!

Has the cold front not come through OK yet? It's chilly here in the Lone Star.

It is snowing outside in OKC right now. It was 88 yesterday.

This thread is awesome. My mom is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers. She finally is somewhat admitting it also and agreed to start taking medication for it.
Looking back, I'm sure it started a few years ago. She is at the point that if you do not know her you can have a conversation and probably not realize there is an issue.
I feel bad because I'm 3 1/2 hrs away and my brother drives truck and is only home every other weekend which is 4 hrs away. Just far enough that we can't go up for a day to help out. My dad has taken over quite abit of the stuff, paying bills, mailing cards and quite abit of the cooking.
The issue is my dad has back issues, so he is frustrated that he can't do alot of things he used to be able to.
Did finally convince her to get lifeline, that was a struggle.

Anyway, thanks for this thread, helps reading what others struggles are and also can get some good ideas from it.

fun, look into services in your parents' area like Meals on Wheels, visiting nurse or similar services. Good for them and reassuring for you and your brother.

Meals on Wheels is particularly good because you know they'll get a hot meal and be checked up on in a very easy going manner. There is a cost but it's usually tiered to the recipient's abilities.

Finding help with meals is really big! We keep mom and dad stocked up on good paper plates too. For the promary care giver peing able to just eat and throw everything away is a really big time saver and helps with the mental stress more than you may realize. Meal time can be pretty frustrating. The patients eat the same way they do everything else, which is on their own schedule. They may even say "no" when you put the meal down for them. But if you learn patience, they will almost always get around to eating. MEals just take longer and most of the time you will dicover that's ok too.

I envision when it is my time to occupy a space in the Dementia Unit, that my day will totally consist of eating, sleeping and giving the kids that work there a hard time.

One of THE most frustrating things I encountered once Mom was pretty far 'along' was that the staff did not take the time it took to get food into her. When mama still had her apartment, I hired a girl to 'sit' with her, take her to the store/hair appointments/out to lunch...stuff like that. Eventually, she generally stayed all night and most of the day. Well, she became like a family member (at least to me!). Either she or I would do our best to be at the home (which was out in the country nowhere near my work/house) for at least one meal a day to ensure she was given the time it took.

Eventually, even that was not enough tho...the eventual helplessness you may have to face at some point is one of the hardest things you may ever encounter in your lifetime. But all you can do is keep trying...and keep being there.

Which brings the discussion around to the obvious.
Make sure your parents (and you too!) have a POA for health care and advanced directives in place NOW.
The only thing worse than having to face what Joker talks about above, is having to guess at what you think your parent would want you to do.
Wait...that's not true. The worst part would be getting into a family war over who knows what the parent would want vs who doesn't and who has the right to decide.

Very true! Luckily, my parents planned well in advance. They both had living wills, a cemetary plot paid for and POA's for us girls.

A lot of parents DON'T plan well and a lot of siblings (or the other spouse) do NOT see things the same way necessarily.

And we're going to have a problem if my father goes first. He wants to be cremated - and mom (he doesn't know this) won't do that. Hey - it's not my first choice either, but it's his.

Both of my parents have living wills and my sister is their POA. Have to take these documents every where they go - every hospital stay, every test, etc.

If they have a personal physician, these documents should be in their file and accessible or sent with orders for tests, etc. I don't cart any of them around.

Especially if really large behind in squeezed into leggings or stretch pants.

Mom is last one left of four plat in cemetery. Recently she told me she's thinking about being cremated like my brother and other family has been. Pretty forward thinking for 87. And much easier for me to transport across state line too.

Truff - when my mother was in the hospital a few months ago she was told she had to bring a copy every time because they can change. They won't allow a previous copy to be used. Now that might be an Indiana law or a specific hospital rule.

Uhm, how would they even know if you were presenting them with the most current copy? cra-cra...

I guess if it's coming from that person they believe it. They have to take both documents every time.

I'm with Jay that it's cra-cra. Usually these documents are drawn by an attorney when someone is having a will done. Who's going to pay to have them changed all the time? Probably the hospital equivalent of 'we've always done it this way' for your neck of the woods, Skittles.

But now you have raised my curiosity. I'll have to check to see if these are included in our online health care access system.

Let me know, please. I'm just curious. And yes, their documents were drawn up by an attorney.

While I'm not a fan of prepaid funerals, if your parents are amenable, it's a very good idea to at least meet with the funeral home people and preplan them.

First, it helps to bring the discussion on differing wishes to the surface and make it crystal clear what each individual wanted. (Survivors are very reluctant to override a clearly expressed desire of the decedent.)

Second, it takes a tremendous amount of pressure off the surviving spouse and children. Left to their own choices survivors overspend on these occasions...

I agree with Ken. My dad died from cancer, and so he saw the end coming in plenty of time to plan out everything, right down to the clothes he wanted to be buried in. He wrote it all out, and it sure helped. With mom, because of Alzheimers, we had to do some improvising, but I just pretty much repeated everything we did with dad, same funeral home, etc.

I think it's probably time for me to write some plans down. We've never discussed it with our children.

Mine wrote some of their special wishes down and stuck them in the family bible. That way we had favorite verses, songs, pallbearers, etc...all in one spot.

Writing things down reminds me of my Babcia (grandmother). She had a lovely jewelry box but the good stuff was hidden all over her bedroom, tucked behind furniture and in drawers. No robber would ever have the time to find it all.

When she got older, she put a slip of paper with the name of who it should go to in each of those hidden boxes. It was like an Easter egg hunt after she died. That lady could always make me smile no matter how down I might be.

My Aunt did that, too, TR! Althought most items were never found...her wedding rings had my name in them! It was her thanks to me for everything I'd done for her over the years.

My mom will be 77 this fall. She lives alone in her own house. But she doesn't drive - never has. I got her hooked into the Senior Center last month so they will take her where she needs to go with 24 hours notice(since I'm almost 2 hours away), as long as it is in her city limits for a $1 donation.

I took the day off and we ran errands and got her hair done and went out to eat and then went grocery shopping. Eating is on the top of the list for my mom. She was like a kid in a candy store at Sam's Warehouse. Here's a funny one for you that I hope I haven't told already:

Me: Do you want Pot Pies?
Mom: I can't have pies. I'm a di-a-bee-tees.
Me: smh and try again.

My mother-in-law will be 98 soon, and is already getting birthday cards, including from the staff at the nursing home. She said, "I wish they wouldn't do that." My wife asked, "Do what?" She said, "Making a big deal out of my birthday. And I hope none of you are planning to make a big deal out of it, either." "Ok, mom, but why?"
"Because it makes me feel so old!"

MBH - when my mother-in-law was that age she wanted all of the 'big deals' she could get.

My parents did this years ago. They didn't want my brother or myself to be burdened with any unexpected expenses. Recently, my father was adament about me seeing where they would be placed and meeting with the funeral home. When we arrived at the cementary, I started walking to the office, and my dad starts walking the opposite direction. I follow him and ask where is he going. He took me to the mausoleum where my mom and him will be placed. The part that really freaked me out, was that their names and birthdates were already on the plaques. (I am soooo not ready for that)

lcrew - my parents showed me their gravesite when I was about 8 years old. Scarred me for years!

I so don't like to be the one that has to handle their affairs, but I know more about their life, financially and healthy, than my brother does. I don't even want to think about it.

One of my biggest fear is that I won't be able to handle losing them, handling their affairs, consule my children, who are extremely close to their grandparents, without completely losing it. I, myself, am extremly close to my parents. I see them every weekday (they watch my baby and pick up my older kids after school) and I talk to them on the weekends.

You'll probably be stronger than you think, lcrew. My mom lives with me. I'm the one who checks on her last thing at night and who's sent to see what's going on if she doesn't come to breakfast on time in the morning. I've also got the POAs and am on her accounts. So I totally get what you mean when you say you don't even want to think about it.

I like to envision myself acting like she did when my Dad died. She was a rock. My sister told me that after all was said and done, then she had her time to morn in private.

What Truff says, never under estimate what you are capable of. You will handle it and you will do it well. Dont mistake that for "it will be easy", but you will handle what you need to. I have discovered that, if nothing else.

My parents have prepaid their funeral and planned the funerals down to the last detail. Have I mentioned they are control freaks? They really just don't trust us to do it the way they want it done. I've visited the gravesite, seen the tombstones, mother recently upgraded her coffin..... She's written their obituaries, oh well, at least I won't have to think much.....

This part doesn't freak me out. The cemetery is where my sister is buried. And many weekends I went with my grandma (she was on a cemetery clean-up volunteer crew) and we'd walk the grounds and talk about who has gone before us. Going there is like going home for me.

When grandma passed, my father bought my mom "real estate" (their pots) for Christmas, and at Grandma's wake, he pulled me and the funeral director aside. He gave us his instructions then and there. My sister will be moved, closer to my parents' plot, and it is my job to get it done. I've known that since I was 4 though. I think he just wanted to make sure the Funeral Home director and I were on the same page.

My mom is 84, has Alzheimer's that is getting worse. Thank God my sister retired just as the Alzheimer's was beginning. My sister is a saint taking her to the doctor and what have you. She suffered a mild stroke a couple months ago that has bothered her speech.

This has been harder for me to watch than losing my dad to cancer. There are good days and bad days, just hope more good than bad.

HUGS and prayers Security Guy. And it does sound like your sister is a saint.

And kudos to you for recognizing your sister. Mental anything is a tuff nut to crack. Hang in there and remind your sister often how much she is appreciated.

Sorry I thought you were talking about my sister

Awww...Ed...is she as Odd as you are?

worse

More important than recognizing what your sister does is offering her respite periods where you or a hired caregiver steps in so your sister can step out for a massage, hair appt or just to wander a mall. As others can attest, Alzheimer's caregivers in particular are on 24/7.

We have hired a lady to come in the morning to get Mom going into the day. This lady is excellent, makes sure she has something to eat, gets her meds, and best of all combs Mom's hair. This 2 or 3 hour break in the mornings has helped my sis take a brief timeout and rejuvenate.

Great for the breaks and also to have a second set of eyes to look at Mom for any changes that may need attention. Good luck to you all as you move forward through this.

We have started looking at resdidential facilities for mom. I'm not sure that the nurse 4 days per week is going to last much longer. She has had good days and bad days, but the bad days are coming more oftgen and she is getting pretty frail. It is really har for dad to think about, but I think he knows that the day is coming when, even with help from all of us and the nurse, he will not be able to handle this.

BBB1 - I'm so sorry. I know this has to be extremely difficult for all of you.

Did any of you see the 60 Minutes segment this past Sunday on aging? They have been following a group of folks in one of those senior living "cities" since the 1980's. Many of them are in their 90's now and it was a very interesting segment. I'm sure I was drawn into it because with my mother having Alzheimer's I am interested in any research that comes out. The segment is not just on dementia, some of the things they have figured out after studying all of the folks for all of these years are:

Cigarettes are never good. Coffee is good. Moderate alcohol is good. 45 minutes exercise per day seems to be the best, and it doesn't have to all be all at once. And probably my favorite: It's not a bad thing to carry a little extra weight going into your senior years (operative word "little"). Anyway, very interesting if you get a chance to check it out online.

Thanks skittles.

I agree with the "45 min per day". One of the things that mom and her brother both have in common is life devoid of exercise. Do I think it is the only factor? Not at all, but every study that I have seen shows that exercise helps stave off and slow down the effects fo dementia.

I agree Bankbb1. The study even showed that even people who exercised 3 hours didn't show more benefits, 45 minutes seemed to be the best result. I think the fact that all these folks stayed "engaged" in a lot of different activities has helped many of them too. At least I tell myself that when I am "making" my Mom go to the daycare and she is trying to get me to let her go back to bed. Trying to keep her progression at bay as long as possible and I think interacting with others could help that.

It definitely helps. When we had the nurse start coming in and staying with mom all day, she showed improvement. Inactivity of the brain and the body are just devastating. The more controlled interaction they can have the better. I say controlled because one on one interaction with mom seems very helpful, but putting her into a public setting with too many people and too much stimuli kind of shuts her down.

Wasn't that a fantastic piece?

That was an interesting piece. And also having slightly elevated blood pressure was a good thing rather than low blood pressure.

Was that due to a fall risk? (low BP)

Which makes sense. And a little 90's nookie wasn't frowned upon either.

What I found interesting is that some of the traditional signs in brain scans for Alzheimers wasn't necessarily present in those diagnosed with, and yet was present in others who presented no signs or symptoms. Makes you wonder it we are really looking at the right signs, or what other pieces are we missing from that puzzle.

Basically, work hard but smart, don't just sit, don't smoke, eat a little, move a little, drink a little, screw a little, mingle, have a good time, enjoy life, and you have a good chance at living a long fulfilling one!

Okay, that's the third time I've heard someone recommend a show that was only on a few days ago. The entire episode
is here. The 90+ segment begins at about the 15 minute mark. (Place your cursor on the image to show the slide that allows you to "skip" the first segment.

Fascinating.

Thanks, Ken. Finding that was on my to-do list for this weekend. Want MOML to see it too.

What Truffie said. Thanks

Longevity was the front page article of our Sunday paper. Reiterated a lot of the stuff that the 60 minutes segment had. There's a growing concern that the baby boomers will be around and affecting society for quite a while to come. Personally, I hope so!!!

Me too, Truff.

We are the first generation in history to have a longer life expectation than our children. Not sure how I feel about that.

Really, BB1??? I didn't know that. Wonder why we're going to live longer than them.

When they become teenagers we wish to kill them.

We eat more fat than carbs. Kids these days have it backwards.

Well, there's that. But mostly, the current generation is less active, eats more carp and pays less attention to their health in general. Also, because they have been raised in a more sterile enviornment, they have a weaker immune system than we do. Combined with the over use of antibacterials and and antibiotics that have created stronger viruses and bacteria.
The CDC and WHO have both suggested that they wont last as long as the Baby Boomers.

Well the WHO started this mess with the "Pinball Wizard"

And the infamous "bean scene"!

WOW! And here I've been listening to my daughter tell me that the change in how food is grown and made is responsible for all the allergies and intolerances that afflict so many of her generation. Funny...you would think it would take it's toll on those of use who grew up eating the 'old' stuff. We must have cast iron constitutions!

What did not kill us made us stronger.

Actually a pretty true statement.

q(xa)=q(xno)P(xno)+q(x24)P(xo)

I think that speaks for itself.

Is that a GMO complex you sprouted there, BBB?

My Dad is probably 125-150 pounds overweight, carrying it all between his waist and chest. Already had triple bypass, entry stages of emphysema (sp?), can't walk 100 feet without having to stop and rest...when i was in town a couple of weeks back tried to talk to him about dropping a few pounds...he looked right at me and said "if i want your advice i'll ask for it." I said as his appointed executor of his estate i felt i had a right to discuss it with him, as i didn't want to be performing my duties any time soon. He said "shutup or i'll make your brother the executor." I told him i didn't care whom he appointed, he needed to lose weight. Did not end well, but ended as i expected it would. My stepmother thanked me for trying, but as she said "until he decides to do something, nothing anyone says will make him."

It's not uncommon for older folk to adopt an irascible attitude about the few things they can still control. Diet is one of the last vestiges left after other manly pursuits fade away. If he's basically immobile, stepmom might be able to help by changing his diet. She doesn't have to rip the bandaid off all at once. Slow, steady changes and not replenishing stock of bad foods could go a long way to help him in spite of himself. Of course, she may decide it's just not worth the battle. If his health isn't motivating him, he may have already decided his fate.

"until he decides to do something, nothing anyone says will make him."

My dad said the same thing about me when my mom caught me smoking at around 15 years old (only insert 'her' [for Ed's benefit])...I guess it applies no matter the age!

Actually its the equation that they use to arrive at estimated life expectancy for any generation.

Or it may be the how to create a black hole that eats the entire universe. I always get the two confused.

Mom totalled her car this weekend. She's pretty bruised and sore, but will be ok thanks to the seatbelt and airbag. I think it might be time for her to stop driving, though. Right now I'm working on her not rushing into getting a rental car. When it comes to suggesting she not replace her car, it's going be a difficult discussion.

Glad she is okay, hmdagal.

^^^Me too! Hope she heals quickly.

As for stopping driving, been there...done that...mom even suggested that she renew her license 'just in case she'd need it'. Easier for us because she lives with me and I can take her where she needs to go. Problem is she waits till the last possible second and then gets upset because I can't leave work to take her asap. :sigh: I console myself with the fact that I'd rather hear her complain than not hear her ever again.

Apparently my father was telling my niece over the weekend that he doesn't think mom should still be driving - and she scares him. While I know this will happen sooner rather than later (mom is 89), it's going to be very difficult when the time comes.

Weird - my brother rode with her on Friday and I haven't heard a thing about that.

89 and she's still driving???!!!! Does she still have good mobility, Skittles? One of the AARP ten reasons to quit driving that we relied on with my mom was her inability to move her feet/legs quickly enough on the pedals. This is a tough situation but sometimes it really does come down to life or death (hers or a passenger's or someone else on the road) and you have to step in and make her give it up. I'd be relying on Dad's opinion here.

Dad hasn't driven for several years now. I know that she avoided an accident several months ago when someone came into her lane. I have e-mailed my brother to ask him what he thought. I don't live up there but my brothers and sister do and no - it won't be pretty.

On another note - mom's sister-in-law is also 89 and still drives to vacation. She takes no medication for anything and her doctors are amazed at her health. She is the epitome of where we would all like to be at that age.

Dealing with relatives' issues long distance is THE WORST! As long as you trust your brothers and sister, all should be handled well.

I do, and thanks Truff. My sister is the POA and I trust her the most.

I taught my grandma how to drive when she was 67during the summer after my freshman year at college. Besides our little hit and run incident, and the mishap at the DMV building practicing before her test, she got her license on her first try and did pretty well for awhile!

She was able to get around to the grocery story, church, liquor store and tavern on her own... a great boost for her independence. Thankfully, she gave up driving about four years ago on her own. Not that she was getting concerned about her own abilities, but she was getting afraid of the "idiot old men and the damn broads too proud to know any better!"

Part of my concern is that in her mind the other driver was entirely at fault for hitting her. Mom was making a left turn and didn't yield to an oncoming car. Apparently the yellow light gave her the right of way

My grandfather gave up driving finally when he discovered the liquor store made delivery runs. ( )

My inlaws are about to the point where we're going to have to have the No-Driving talk with them. We're probably going to have to get them into some kind of managed care before the end of the year, and hopefully that will be something that goes hand-in-hand.

What an awesome service!

In a town loaded with seniors? They probably made a fortune!

And if they asked a litttle sweet granny for her ID to prove she's old enough to drink, they'd be getting a huge tip!!!

Are you sure this should be typed In a town with loaded seniors...

Rocky - my 92 year old father got carded buying a bottle of wine about 6 months ago. Indiana requires all purchasers to show ID.

And I should have mentioned - JJ love the story about your grandmother.

I just found out that my uncle, who has dementia and is in about the same shape as my mom, is still driving! Apparently they cannot get his keys away from him. So if you live near Shreveport, beware of a big black Caddillac!
Yes, I have just explained to my cousin that they have got to disable that car!

My mom is only 77, but has complications from diabetes and nerve damage from a spinal so her feet are numb and her legs are harder to move, PLUS her eyesight is failing from Foug's (sp) dystrophy. Her reaction time is way slow, AND she has always had a lead foot when driving. She joked about telling my dad to watch out for the dog on the side of the road and it was actually a fire hydrant. We all have had the discussion with her to stop driving, and she vehemently disagrees with us. Two weeks ago I threatened to call her doctor to have her license revoked medically, and she blew a gasket. I know I have to keep working at it, but dang, it sure is hard to get her to realize the danger she is putting herself and others in by driving.

And sometimes you just have to swallow hard and pizz off your parent in order to save their life and possibly the lives of strangers too. It sux big time. But just think of all the times when you were growing up and they did things 'for your own good'. Good luck, Tink, and prayers too.

btw, I think BB's idea of disabling the car is a GREAT idea!

My mother in law, bless her heart, had alzheimers. When it came time to take her car away her boys took it in for an oil change, and then they kept it for new tires ... new brakes ... etc. She would mention it every now and then, but she wouldn't realize how long it had been gone. One time in a lucid moment she said to me, "I'm not sure I can afford all these repairs!" Made me feel bad, but it was for her own good. About a year later, my brother in law drove the car up to the lake and she was there. She looked at the car and said "I had a car just like that, but mine was a different color." It is not easy when parents get old and ill.

Mom was having a pretty decent day today. Knew who I was, knew who dad was. Knew that I was her son and his son. And I think she knew she was at home. None of these are always true.
She did have one delusion that there was a man in a white coat standing behind me. It does kind of freak people out when that happens.

My husband is an only child and both his parents are in their 80's. My father-in-law finally stopped driving after a wreck and the DPS told him he could no longer drive, so my mother in law does all the driving and thank goodness she is still in decent health. It is hard to see them going down when they are so used to doing their own thing. They hate to ask us to help them because they think it would be a burden to us. My husband and myself have tried to explain to them that we want to help them. They sometimes let us.

They will rarely ever ask and it is a real balancing act between being proactive about helping and being intrusive and making them feel less independent. But others have done it before us. So it must be doable.

How timely that this thread show up at the top of the feed today. Sunday my hubby and I are driving down to help move his grandma into an assisted living facility. Her mini-strokes are becoming too frequent and her back problems are becoming too intense. She'll be moving to a facility nearer her daughter. Kind of a sad day. She brain is still sharp but I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse. If y'all could just keep our family in your thoughts Sunday we'd appreciate it.

You got it Okie!

You're so sure it was a delusion?! Maybe she can just see things y'all can't.

My ILs are gradually moving into a retirement home. They really need to be in assisted living, but SIL has POA and makes all the decisions and in her "wisdom", decreed her mom would be happier in a retirement home. I'm sure we'll end up moving them again in a year or two, but it's not worth battling any more over it right now.

The move was successful. Everything is in storage. Ma is settled in her assisted living apartment with some of her things around her. We didn't get to see her yesterday since the move took much longer than planned (doesn't it always) but we'll go see her next week. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. Seems like a good move was made.

Glad it went well Okie!

Yeah, its always best to pick your battles. Arguing rarely helps.
And yes, everytime she does that, everybody looks.
The first time that she did it was on a trip back from NM. She kept asking who the man in the back seat was and why had we picked him up. After a stop in Amarillo, she said thta she felt bad bout us leaving him there and the she hoped that he would be ok.
It was so real for her that it was very creepy for everyone else.

Jeez - I would just be hoping "he" wasn't sitting directly behind me the whole time. My skin would have been crawling the entire time "he" rode in the car.

I've sat with an elderly relative in a nursing home and 'ridden the train' wherever she was going or 'waited for my brother so we can get to school on time.'

It's much like playing fantasy games with a small child.

The only difference is the child is making it up as they go along. The elderly person is most likely relating things that actually happened. You can learn a lot about their history if you listen and learn to ask the right questions.

Mom, spends a lot of time wanting to go "home" lately.
You have to have been around her a lot to know that "home" doesn't mean the house that she and dad own. It means her grandparents home between Cheyenne and Roll Oklahoma where she lived over 65 years ago.

Just recently moved my mom in with us. She will be 84 next month and has been in a declining mental state for several years. We thought we were going to be moving her into an apartment about a mile from us, but after assessing her current health state, decided it would be too risky. She can't afford assisted living, so moving in with us seemed like the only option. At some point in the not too distant future, I expect she'll need to move into a nursing home, but for now this is the best we can do for her. She had been living for the past 3 years in a mobile home next door to my brother and his wife, but it was not a good situation. They were unable to deal with the stresses of her care and were borderline mentally and emotionally abusive toward her. They are also financially needy themselves and saw no problem in taking advantage of mom's meager social security and Air Force annuity income. We are also better able to deal with her physical & medical needs and be more proactively involved in her health care plans.

We have structured her room in our home to be a mini apartment with TV, phone & laptop computer to give her (and us) the ability to have some independent space when needed. We also have a senior day care facility that she currently enjoys going to. Right now, they are open 2 days a week, but just got VA approvals they needed to begin offering services 5 days a week in the very near future. This gives my wife some much needed break time during the week. We also have lined up the ability to have in-home care come in if we need to go out of town.

All in all, still some adjusting for us to deal with, but I know mom is getting better care than she has in the past 3 years. But she can be demanding - she has always been a very self-centered person, and the early stage dementia only seems to exacerbate that.

Several years back we were planning the same type of situation with my father in law. He lived several hours away from us, way out in the woods (lower peninsular in Michgan), and his nearest neighbor was his sister, but she was a distance. He lived alone with his dogs, was on oxygen, and many medicines. He was very stubborn, and it took several years of talking to convince him to move to our town, and that we would make a room for him in our house, he could bring his dogs, he could pretty much do whatever he wanted, etc. Finally he said he would, but about a month before the time came, he decided he wanted an apartment of his own. Granted our town of about 1000 people isn't full of apartment complexes, but we did find him one. He lived there for several years.

He had alot of family in our little town, so frequent visitors and company and always someone to take him to his doctor visits. As I had mentioned above, he was very stubborn, and he fell one night and was not found until the next morning. Still he wouldn't move in with anyone, but we did convince him to get the 'life alert' that he would wear, and could hit the button at any time for 911.

Sad to say, several weeks later he ended up in the hospital and he did not come home. That was almost 5 years ago this month. His health problems had alot to do with his 'wild' life in the Navy. He had a very full life, albeit only 72 years full, but the stories that I have heard still make me laugh today.

He was my kids 'fun' grandpa. Not that he ever let them do anything they shouldn't but they always had fun at grandpas.

Sorry to get off track BeechFlyboy---enjoy the time with your mom, it sounds like you have given her the best that you can.

So I'm sitting here wondering, what do you tell your mother when you are about to move her into nursing facility that specializes in Dimensia and Alzheimers patients knowing full well that this will most likely be where she spends the rest of her life.
I think this is about to get very real, and I think my dad is going to not do well with it on the day we have to do it (I may not either).
I dont really expect a lot answers as there is no good way to do it. Its really just verbalizing a thought that has been going through my head.

{{HUGS}} and prayers, BBB1. I know what it was like when my aunt was moved into one, but not a parent.

Thanks.

Will she understand that she's moving? My Heart goes out to you BBB. Just keep telling her you love her..

By the time we moved my grandmother (who I lived with as a child & felt very much like a parent to me) she was confused more often than not.

It became a game of sorts. She thought that we were back at the farm when were in actually in the main room of the nursing home Alz. wing. She and I would stare out the windows of the room waiting for "grandpa to come in from planting the fields." My grandpa went and sat with her every day. In the beginning she would only eat if he was there.

They will steal from each other in the ward. The problem is, they can't remember if the object (shoes, glasses, TEETH!) belong to them or to someone else. It happens.

The first week, my Grandma tried to talk the other residents into an escape plan. It never came to fruition. Mostly because she forgot what they were supposed to be doing. Laughter is what got us through in the beginning, BBB1. Laugh often, play along with the other residents on the floor. Find joy in the little moments.

Every time you leave, your heart will ache. And that is OK. Visit. Sit with her, even when she doesn't want you there or know you. Just be there.

God, I wish you didn't have to travel this path. My eyes are all weepy at the suckyness of it. I'll be with you in prayer.

Thinking of you BBB.

BBB1, I don't think anyone has this figured out. You can tell her it best for her to be where she'll get good care, but if she's just in the early stages of dementia, she's not going to be pleased. It must be really hard on the old folks to know the road they are on.

Or you can chose to not try to explain the dementia part of where she's going and just tell her you found a great place for her to live. You're largely trying to explain it for yourself because she won't understand it to the degree you will.

Yes, it sux as QCL says. There's no getting around it. We're here to support and pray and love you through it, Mr. ((hugs))

She is more advanced. She does not actually know where she lives most of the time. She knows me sometimes, other times not. She probably knows my daughter Taylor more consistantly than anyone else. She sometimes think she is visiting a hotel (mom and dad have a fairly large home). She likes the nurse that stays during the day, but she gets mad at dad a lot (common symptom of dementia). She mostly sits and stares but she sometimes liek to fold things. She gets confused easily and has wondered off a number of times. We have found her each time within a few hours, but I am concerned with winter coming. She is very frail now and it would only take about 20 minutes of temps below 35 for her to succumb to hypothermia.
It is absolutely time for her to be in a care facility and dad cannot keep this up, even with help from me, my daughter, my other half and even my ex. There is one less that 2 miles from their house that is extremely nice and that specializes in Alzheimers and Dementia patients. They come well recommended although it is very, very, expensive even with the insurance.
It is time. It just sucks.
Thank you all for the support, prayers and thoughts. Most of you are a long way off, but in my heart you are right here. You'll never know how much it helps. Thanks.

Hang in there BBB--I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. It is never an easy road.

My father-in-law is at the beginning stages of Alzheimers. My husband is at their house today "giving his mom a break"... which she asked for. Doc said no driving, no cooking and no more tools. 2 days ago he was in the garage saying he will use any tool he da** well pleases and the doc doesn't need to know. He's done the same with cooking. Driving he's upset about and verbalizes, but hasn't tried to do it anyway.

I know it's tough bb1... but I am thankful there is a facility close by that fits the needs and your family is able to do it. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

(((hugs))) to you BB1. Prayers for strength for you and your family..

Thanks again everyone, and prayers for those of you that are enduring similar, and even worse, situations.

I know God has never given me or my family more than we can handle and we can handle this.

Mom got hit by some bug on Tuesday that left her shaking like a leaf. She's still weak today and caught in that vicious cycle of not wanting to eat but not getting better unless she does. Scared the begeesus out of me. Going up and down the stairs to check on her over the last two days reminded me of you, BB, and how lucky I am that my mom lives with me and I can keep her close. ((hugs)) to you, my dearest friend. Would that I could make it just a teeny bit easier for you.

Hoping she gets better and glad you are close.
And you do make it easier my sweet friend.

QCL...I would have loved to have known your grandma!!!

FWIW, I think you put things into as good of a perspective as I ever could have experiencing this with my Mom and Aunt.

BBB1 and TR...I feel for you...the path you are heading down is like unchartered waters. Hold on to your compass and hang in there the best you can.

Thanks Joker.
She was an amazing woman. I've got her eulogy saved on facebook somewhere. It was the funniest speech I think I've ever given it had to be. That was her.

Another thought BBB1 if I may...there will be times that we would go to the nursing home to see my grandma and she didn't want to see us. And so we would visit or walk the halls with other residents. Once a lady said to me, "Do I know you? Am I supposed to know you? Can I get to know you, for today? Will you walk with me?" and so we did. This lady that I had never seen before and I, we walked the halls.

Another thought, is thoughts. My grandma would get into thought loops. She used to walk 3 miles every morning when she was healthy. And there would be times that they could not get her to stop the walking "loop." She would finish her "walk," up and down the halls, not remember that she had walked, and start walking again. Thought loops happen, and sometimes they will frustrate both of you.

I lost the grandmother that I knew 7 years before she died. It was up to me to enjoy the new person that God put in front of me, however I could, for however long I could.

My MIL gets in those thought loops. She will ask the same question over and over, or get fixated on a petty grievance with the staff or her roommate, and can't move on to any other topic.

There's a sweet old lady named Ann Marie in my MIL's nursing home that cries constantly because she misses her daughter. She'll reach out for your hand and ask if you've seen her daughter. It's so sad. She's heartbroken.

The saddest part is that Ann Marie may not even realize when she's holding that very daughter's hand. I ran the business office in a nursing home when I tried to run away from banking and there was a lady there just like Ann Marie. Her daughter was religious in her visiting but Ann Marie must have fixated on her daughter at a different point of her life so, in her mind, she never came.

QCL, your faith amazes me. I wonder how God could do this to anyone but you speak of loving the person He put in front of you. I'll need to come back to that sentence more often...thank you.

You are so right about there being a new person. Other than attitude (ornery), my mom has been gone for a little while now. I think that is harder for dad, becasue he can only relate to the woman he knew for 53 years.
We had dinner last night for my dad's 82nd birthday and mom was having a pretty good day. She knew who I was (with a little help) and participated in the conversation without too much in the way of inappropriate comments. (if she frustrated with dad, she will tell him to shove it up his.....) But mostly she laughed and engaged some. It is always a calculated risk to take her out, but a friend owns a very nice German restaraunt with a private room and he was good enough to let us use it. This lets us avoid mom interacting with strangers in an inappropriate manner. That is to say that her "filter" no longer works and whatever thought hits her will come right out.

My son used to get kind of bored when he would go with me to visit mama...for a time, she had one of those fancy motorized 'riding toys'...uber wheelchair thingys...He used to appease the other men there by accepting their wheelchair race challenges down the hallways...it was hilarious...a bit dangerous...but to my knowledge no one died...if they did..it was by heartattack while having too much fun!

I suspect my mom's thing at the facility (at least the one we are looking at) will be the piano. They have a very nice baby grand like mom's and she still likes to play. We shall see.

That would be wonderful for all of you, BB!

The problem is, it's hard for all of those around to still be seeing the person who is really no longer behind that familiar face. Often, they're in a place their children or grandchildren never even knew, like QCL's grandmother on the farm.

I thank God everyday that Mom is just deaf and old and somewhat ornery. And I come back here to remind myself how lucky I am that she is.

You know, TR, once my grandma was convinced that she was 6 and looking all over for her brother Donald. (Who had just passed away days before this incident) She was laying in bad and anxious because she "was 6 and little and needed to get on the bus and Donald was lost." So I took her hands and told her to close her eyes and we would find Donald together. And she described for me what he was wearing that day. I told her that she had to close her eyes and think real hard. For whatever reason that day, it worked. And she slept.

Where my other family members kept trying to argue with her, I played along. She took such good care of me for 30 years at that point, that I owed it to her to.

BBB1, she is not the disease. And I LOVE that she is missing the filter on her mouth and you can still find joy in that.

You are so right about not arguing! I always just go with the flow. For one thing, you cannot win an "argument"" with a dementia patient. Arguing with them assumes that you are on the same plane and you are not. But my big thing is that at this stage of her life, it is about trying to provide the best quality of life she can have. Sure she wants to fight when it comes time to shower or brush her teeth or go to the bathroom. But there are always ways around that where you dont have to upset them. It just takes a little longer. And thats ok, they are not on our time table, they are on theirs.

This is my husbands problem right now... his dad is in an argumentative stage... and he wants to argue back or try to correct him.

I've said different versions of 'enjoy the person he is now'... and I will keep trying...

My father-in-law calls thinks my husband is his brother, so we just go with the flow. The less agitation and confusion makes life easier for us. I have encouraged my husband not to engage him in an "argument" because five minutes later, he does not remember what they were supposed to be arguing about. When he is lucid, he can still laugh at himself about some of the things he does. It lightens the tension we all feel because there is nothing we can do to stop the progression.

First I want to say that this room is awesome. My parents live about 3.5 hours from me. My mom's Alzheimer's is gradually getting worse. Luckily she doesn't wander yet and hasn't wanted to drive for a few years.
My brother was a truck driver but recently started a new job so he was able to move to the same town my parents live in.
One of the biggest issue's is that my dad has back issues that he can not stand or walk without being in pain. So my brother's move has helped immensely in being able to help my dad with chores he can no longer do, but to also help out with my mom. She can have some issues with falling and my dad cannot get her up himself. She just sits all day so has no strength and is also overweight.
I have been wondering lately how long she will be able to live at home or if my brother will move in with them as some point, so she can live at home longer.
I'm just glad he was willing to move so he could help out more. They have some awesome friends that help, but hard to rely on them all the time.
Like I said I appreciate this room to hear what others are going through and also to get ideas on how to handle different situations. My mom has always had a lot of health issues, but didn't think we were going to have to deal with Alzheimer's.

Welcome in FG!
Even if they were able to hand out cards when you were born that said, your parent will have Alzhaiemers or Dimentia it would still be impossible to prepare for it.
Its a good group in here. We laugh with each other (a necessity BTW), cry with each other and sometimes prop each other up. Sometimes its just nice to have a place to talk about it in complete freedom.

fun, go back and read the beginning of this thread where we talked a lot about resources and support that can be found in the area your parents are living. Your brother is going to need help and time off too. You can call from 3.5 hours away and find help to come in (meals on wheels; visiting nurses) and elderly day care. Just getting the information together for him to consider will be a huge help.

With your mom's falling issues and your dad's inability to get her up, you might look into a Life Alert button too. I've been considering whether or not it's time to get one for my mom because she's home alone for at least 6+ hours a day and goes up and down stairs. You could cover the cost of it to help out. It would take the onus off your brother and make you feel like you're doing something concrete instead of just fretting from afar.

BB,
You know my daughter is medical director at an assisted living facility that has a dementia section. I've shared the story of your mother with her.

Yesterday when I told her about the piano in your mom's new home, my daughter got excited and said 'It sounds like Alive Inside!'

Apparently, the 2014 Sundance Film Festival Audience Award went to the movie Alive Inside which shows how music can stimulate the brain in ways drugs cannot reach.

The trailer is intriguing and moving. The movie is playing in Tulsa right now and coming to Madison in two weeks.

For all of us living with dementia in our family member, I urge you to bring this to the attention of the facility they're at. Or at the very least, buy an ipod for them! According to my daughter, the results of having them listen to their music can be astounding.

Of course, that led to a whole discussion of what music would be picked for who, a great reminder to always remember to laugh.

TR,
When my grandma could no longer speak, she could still sing.

Music is a language that everyone understands. It always brings a smile.

But the miraculous thing is that this was more than just a smile, J. It actually unlocked the ability to speak and communicate. Somehow, hearing music familiar to them clicked on a 'sane' portion of the brain that the disease had locked down. It was like throwing a switch from incoherency to talking.

She does have Life Alert. It took me 2 yrs to convince her to get it and I was to get most of the information for them, so dad didn't have to worry about it. She does wear if faithfully, and she hasn't had to use it yet, but is comforting to everyone that she has it.
I have also talked to dad & my brother about respite care. Dad feels that for now, she is ok by herself when he leaves.
I also do try and call frequently to check on how they are doing. Also, dad can vent to me if he needs to.
I am also trying to go home more often.
Thanks again for the suggestions and support.

Reassuring to know someone who's actually using Life Alert and feels comfort from it.

Sounds like you're doing everything you possibly could, fun.

Now try not to be too hard on yourself for not being able to do more.

((hugs)) to you.

Thanks TR

So just wondering if anyone has any suggestions. My mom & stepdad are both aging and mom has been having memory issues for a couple of years. She can't remember dates or numbers, kind of small things at this point. But her short term memory is getting pretty bad. She does fine day-to-day, cooking, cleaning, etc. But the problem is my stepdad is also losing his short-term memory and is getting super bossy, cranky, downright mean to mom about her memory, even though he can't remember the same things he is expecting her to remember. Things like "you should *@#!!$* know that number" or that date, or whatever it is she doesn't remember, even though he doesn't know it either. This then upsets mom whose emotions are all over the board anyway because she knows she can't remember and has memory problems. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? I'm afraid talking to him won't help because he probably doesn't realize he is doing it. And I'm not that close to him that I feel comfortable talking to him about it.

Right off the top of my head, I'd suggest getting them a phone that you load all the numbers in and they just page down to the name and dial it. It made life so much easier for my mom.

Are you close enough to help?
Have they both been to a dr to see if there's anything that can be done to help them? There are drugs that help memory.

I find my mom does best when I write things down for her. Sticky notes; a wipe board; did you know you can use erase pens on mirrors too? I leave my husband notes on his mirror.

As far as comfort levels talking to people, I think all of us here will agree that sometimes with our parents you just have to bite the bullet and do what needs to be done.

Hang in there. I'm sure others will have suggestions too.

I've been doing more reading than posting lately, but sometimes getting parents to accept some of the help that's available is a challenge. Until it's been casually mentioned often enough that it's 'their' idea, that is Not looking forward to the day that I have to make decisions for Mom.

Me either hmdagal! My mother wants me to make all her decisions now - but only so she will have someone to blame if it goes wrong. She pointed out that she went from her father making all the decisions to her husband making all the decisions to my sister making them. I'm all that is left. Oh boy!

After listening to her go on and on about all the issues she house with her house I mentioned that maybe it's time she moved into something less burdensome and she yelled at me that "I'm not giving in and throwing the towel yet!". (sigh)

I don't think one 3/4 blood German woman should have to take care of another 100% full blooded German lady. There oughta be a law on that.

We have starteed playing music from the 40's for mom all during the day (40's music channel) and she seems to like that and it helps to make her a little mor interactive. She is still playing the piano and enjoys it as well!

Snow, I would love to give you some hint that just works magic, but I dont really have one. They may both just have age related memory loss and be ornery, or one or both could be showing signs of Dementia or Alzheimers. Things to look for include not only loosing things, but also having the same conversation over and over. Answering the same question multiple times in the same conversation. Extreme frustration with memory issues. And they become very impatient and rude to the primary care giver. Their "filter" for appropriateness of comments begins to fade. None of these are "proof" that they have dementia or Alzheimers, but an increase or suddenly noticing these things would indicate that you should pursue it further with a physician.

Sounds like we have the same mother! My mom is also in a house she can't afford and eventually will have to sell it (and should never have bought it!). I bite my lip and change the subject whenever she starts to complain about her financial or housing situation 'cause I know if I make any "suggestion" when she moves it will be all my fault.

Mom's aggressive and self endagering behaviors continued to increase last week. On Friday, she went so far as to climb out the window of her bedroom since we had the doors locked. We wound up having her admitted to a geriatric psychiatric treatment center on Friday afternoon. The center is almost 2 hours driving time from us and has very limited visiting hours. Hopefully they'll get some answers, but I think we are looking at the need to get her into a skilled nursing facility long term. It was a very sad week and weekend for us. I'm struggling with whether I've done the right things for her, but I can't leave my wife in danger either and it was escalating in that direction.

Jim - how awful for you and your family. I'm sure you are questioning your decisions, but it sounds like you made the right ones - as hard as they were.

Prayers being said for you, your wife and your mother.

A book I read recently had a discussion that stuck in my mind. One character was questioning a decision she had made, and the reply was basically: of course it was the right decision, because you made it.

Someone else might have made different decisions, but these were yours, and at the time they were made, were the best for you and your family.

Amen^^^

Don't beat yourself up about this, Jim.

The move in with you was recent so maybe it acerbated some of her dementia resulting in the unhealthy behaviours. Hopefully the doctors will be able to find some meds that will help.

If not, a nursing home isn't the worst thing. In reality, it's usually the best thing, especially for dementia patients, because they get the 24/7 skilled care that you cannot possibly give her at home.

Prayers for strength for you and peace with the decisions you have to make.

Safety and well being of everyone involved has to be primary in the decission making process and sounds like that is exactly what you took into account. It makes it no easier and it is natural to question the decision. But I think that given the information that you posess any rational person would have to make the same decision. I am sorry that you have had to take this on.

Can anyone recommend a good cane? I've seen those canes on TV that stand up on freely and the ones that fold. I wonder if that joints would weaken eventually on the fold up kind. Dad has beginning stages of parkinsons and needs it for balance.

Sorry *W*W* - wish I could. My father uses his mother's (she died in 1982) four-pronged cane and it seems to work pretty well for him. Have you gone to a home health place to see what they have? Maybe contact your doctor for recommendations?

Jim, I understand where you are coming from. Had to put my father in a nursing home about two years ago. It was a hard decision, but it was the best for everyone. He has 24/7 care and he is well taken care of. We tried everything and that was our last choice and I would do the same thing again.

This is one that I bought for my dad when he needed on after surgery. He liked it really well, its nice looking and very comfortable to use. Its also available in a "quad base" if more stability is needed.
http://www.fashionablecanes.com/3069.html

Take the time to take your Dad to a medical supply store to be properly measured for a cane. My mom is really short (4'10"...or so she says. ) Any standard length cane would be way too long for her. Opposite holds true of taller people. There are lots of places to order them online. If your Dad gets to pick one he likes, he might be inclined to use it more too.

This is what chainsaws are for!

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate having this thread. I don't normally post, but reading everyone's experiences is a big help.

My mother-in-law (98) will not eat. A nurse or an aide is nearby at every meal to encourage her, but she puts food in her mouth and then spits it out. She'll only drink those nutritional shakes. She's down to 77 pounds. She used to also eat cake, but now, suddenly, hates cake.

My mother got that way too, brain...It's a really hard thing to watch. The saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink" rings so true. Be glad she WILL drink the nutri shakes at this point.

My Dad ordered one of these for my mom. She tends to lose her equilibrium and due to medication. Can't tell you much more than that, unfortunately, since she refuses to use it. Anyways, her doctor recommended a can with the four prongs instead of a regular cane. They are more stable. Good luck.

I agree with TR on the height of the cane. You want to make sure it fits them properly. My mom has the 4 prong, but my dad has just the straight one.

I have said this before also, it is a great thread to ask questions of others with the same issues or just to air your issues.

My mom falls with some regularity, but refuses to use a cane in her apartment (which is where she falls). She'll sometimes use it when she goes out, but it can be a challenge for her if she's carrying shopping bags, or trying to open a door. Of course she also refuses to consider a walker. <sigh>

Get him one with a sword in it!! (OK, maybe not.)

My MIL continues to deteriorate. It's been hard on my husband.

So sorry, E.G.B.

My MIL passed just two years ago. By then we had moved her to a nursing home near our home so husband could visit more regularly. It was hard on him too. I'm sure you're giving your husband all the support you can. Prayers for continued strength for both of you.

My mom has significant sight issues and although she hasn't lost her driving license yet she is quite heavily restricted on where and when she can go (only a few miles away, only during the day, etc.).

My dad (her boyfriend) is wonderful to drive her anywhere she needs to go and I drive her as much as I can as well, but she's one of those people who refuses to ask for help with anything.

So far she is living at home by herself and mostly doing okay. She and my dad maintain separate houses but he is at her house a lot and I work with her so see her nearly every day.

I love my mom but can see her turning into someone who is really difficult to deal with as they age.

Prayers for you and the family EGB, from just south of you.

jaenelle, refusing to ask for help is a common thing as we age because it's hard to admit that you can't do it all anymore. I can't promise that the light will go on one day and she'll start asking for help 'cause chances are that she won't. Have patience with your mom and just keep doing what you're doing. Come here anytime you need to vent.

I think we're starting that downward cycle of in / out of the hospital with my MIL..... She's back in with a second break to her arm after a fall at the retirement community. She is actually using a walker, but the walker slipped out from her grasp.

I understand EGB. My father is there, too. He spent Thanksgiving 2013 in the hospital for a stent (the day after Thanksgiving), about 2 weeks in the hospital in January 2014 for other heart issues. He was in the hospital about six months ago for pneumonia and then went to rehab for a bit. And he got out of the hospital last Monday for another bout of pneumonia.

My Aunt (Daddy's older sister) is 92 and dying. She holds conversations with her dead siblings, doesn't know anyone around her, and the Doctor's can't do anything for her. They give her morphine to ease the pain but she won't last much longer. My Daddy is 84 and He and Ethel are the last 2 left of 10 kids. He is so depressed. It doesn't help that he's having issues with his kidneys and has the crud right now. His kidneys are functioning at 40% because his high blood pressure hurt them. They are trying to get that under control...

There is nothing I can do to make it better...

{{HUGS}} Walden.

God bless all of you and your parents. It makes me cringe when I read about these older people suffering. I feel so sorry for them.

My MIL was having one of her good days Sunday, other than not hearing. She really had her old sense of humor and had me laughing. We were really worried when the flu went through her wing of the home, but it missed her. She's so tiny and won't eat, so we're afraid for her to get any kind of illness.

My mom has got fluid on her lungs and is on diuretics now. She goes for a heart sonogram on Wednesday and is feeling very depressed, it seems like.

Prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Going up immediately, Jaenelle.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you. My dear mother has passed on, but my father is still living and we are also caring for my in-laws who are both in their 80's with health problems. The way I get thru is just one day at a time. Deal with what I can and take care of myself along the way.

Prayers, jaenelle, and to all who are caring for their elders...

Prayers for all of you dealing with issues with your parents or in-laws now. Gentle ((hugs)) of support to you too.

Jaenelle, that's similar to some of what my MIL is going through too. I hope they are able to help your mom.

Thinking of all of you through the difficult times.
My mom isn't doing to bad currently. She doesn't go out much and conversations can be interesting at times, but fairly good otherwise. Dad is still able to get out for pool, etc.
My in laws are 89 & 91, have really slowed down, but still hanging in there. They will celebrate their 70th wedding anniversary Jan 2. Hoping to have a party for them in April.

Times like these are especially hard during the holidays. Hang in there as SSL said, take one day at a time.

Thank you for all the prayers, everyone. Of course mine go up for all of you as well.

My mom's been coughing really dreadfully the last several days. I'm unsure if it's the lung fluid or a respiratory infection -- she's diabetic so neither one seems especially good.

She and I don't often see eye to eye on many things, but she's still my mother and I love her very much.

My father is also diabetic, jaenelle, which can be an issue with pneumonia. The doctor's have confirmed that your mom doesn't have pneumonia, haven't they? When dad was hospitalized two weeks ago they removed almost 4 liters of fluid from his lungs. I don't know how he survived this twice this year, but he's still going. He's a tough old bird for 93.

Yeah, MIL is also diabetic. Are y'all's parents doing dialysis on top of this? That's been a complication as well, trying to juggle treatment at the rehab center with trips to the (different location ) dialysis center.

No dialysis here. Dad's kidney's are in stage 4 failure, but not to the point where he needs dialysis.

My MIL had me laughing again this weekend. She told us that my sister-in-law had paid to board their cat while they went on vacation. She struggles to find the right words, and it took forever for us to get the point, (at first she was talking about renting a cat) but eventually expressed her amazement that anyone would pay money to have someone take care of a cat. MIL hates cats. As I share her feelings 100%, we had a good laugh. It's such a struggle for her to speak sometimes that I think she very pleased to have been able to communicate.

My MIL is congested, and has a weak cough, and my wife is really worried that it wouldn't take much for pneumonia to set in, so we are learning to cherish these little conversations.

Yes, you just have to take what you can get when you get it.

Spoke with my dad last night. Physical therapy had come to the house to help him try to get stronger. I asked him how it went. He said 'Well, if I do what they want me to do then it would probably help'. Stubborn old man just won't do that.

Ugh!

My aunt (my mom's only sister) is here for a few days and wants to take my mom out to do things today, since they don't get to spend very much time together. The thing is that my aunt is a single lady, never married, no kids, and as such is pretty self-centered. My mom has both balance issues and sight issues and I'm a little scared, because my aunt never pays very much attention to things like curbs that mom could easily trip over. I probably can't go with them either, but I might ask if I can take the afternoon off and go supervise.

Dad looked like he had aged five years during the past six weeks. He couldn't get dressed to go to my sister's for Christmas (didn't have the strength) so my husband stayed with him and my son took both of them some of the wonderful food we had. My mother was very teary eyed; however she got to see 4 of her 5 children, 6 of her 8 grandchildren and all 4 great-grandchildren.

Jan 2nd is my mom and dad's anniversary too. I lost my dad in 1992. My mother, now 77, still counts anniversaries. I still call her every year, on Jan 2nd, and congratulate her - on 56 years of marriage this year.

I learned the hard way that you don't tell your mother to stop counting upon death. Oh, what a time that was. Now I just congratulate her and everyone is happy.

During the phone call she will say something like "Not many couples make it to 56 years any more, do they" and I will say "No Mother, that's pretty special any more, isn't it?".

janelle, I'm just like you when it comes to entrusting my mother to others, even my sister. She lives with me so I know exactly what she's capable of, what she likes, etc. So it bugs me when others brush off my concerns or tell me not to hover over her.

Perfect example was when I walked ahead leaving Mom with my sister as they climbed the steps into church. Sister wasn't paying attention or holding her arm and Mom fell.

But much like a child, I can't be with Mom all the time. I can only caution the others and pray Mom comes home safely.

My dad, I absolutely trust with mom -- he's very good to her and makes sure she's well taken care of. He's 10 years younger than her and in very good shape for his age, also, which helps a lot.

My husband, when mom will allow him to help her (not often, because she doesn't like him) is very good as well. He has quite a few years of nursing home experience so I feel comfortable with this.

I don't have any medical training, but I /know/ my mom and pay close attention to her.

Well, I havent been on in a very long time due to both work and keeping up with my mom and dad and life in general and this will be a brief run through at best.
1st Hi everybody and I hope all is going well with each of you. We have finally taken a bigger step with my mom and placed her in a facility that specializes with memory issues. My dad simply could not do it any more. After a lot of research we were very lucky to find that the best facility in our area was pretty close to their home and dad has been able to see her every day. I am able to see her 3-5 times a week and we can take her out to dinner or for a drive or whatever. She has been much more animated and engaged with others since we placed her there. The staff is perfect with her. We did the transistion on her birthday. We speant several weeks furnishing and decorating her new apartment and I made certain to explaint ot everyone not to ask her how she liked her new apartment or anything like that. It has been very tough on dad. He misses her at home and has commented how big and empty the house is. We have him over for dinner and I have been going by to see him on a regular basis, but I know he is lonely and still dealing with the guilt issues. He alsways asks the staff if she seems sad. As most of you know dementia patients dont really show a lot emottion the same way that you tyically think of it, but she definitely seems brighter and more engaged with the world since being there. I think it is more a question of being comfotable with her surroudings. The one thing that I have noted is that she not asked if she could go "home" since being there. When she lived at home she constatly asked if she could go "home". I dont hink the word home for her means a geographical place anymore. I think it means a place that feels normal and comfortable in her mind. I think, at least for now, she has found home.

Great news, BBB1. I hope your Dad adjusts okay tho!

BBB1 - I was wondering why you've been so quiet lately. How nice to know your mom is comfortable in her new surroundings. My prayers are with your father as he learns to adjust to the seperation and alone time.

Thank you guys!
Hopefully I will get to check in a bit more often, but things have far from calmed down in the arena's of life. But this stuff happens. Even though I havent been able to check, I've always known you guys were there. Its amazing, but just knowing that is a real help. <3

((hugs)) my dear friend.
You're right, of course, that people with dementia have different gauges for happy, sad, etc. This is hardest on your dad who is dealing with loneliness and guilt that your mom has no concept of anymore. It might help to get him into a group for caregivers. You might ask the Social Worker at Mom's new place for help finding a support group of people in the same boat as dad.
Prayers as always.

Thanks Truffle. I did suggest that and as it turns out we have a friend that also has recently put his spouse into a similar care facility and he and dad have been talking a bit. I think it helps them both.

Nice to see you around again Bbb1.

I'm glad your parents seem to be accepting the new situation as best they can. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for all of you.

Hi Skittles!!! ::Waves::
Good to see you too sweetie!

It is another one of lifes changes. We are fortunate that we have a great support system.

'Waves' back. Come back and visit again soon!!!

Today is Daddy's 85th Birthday! He is in reasonably good health and of sound mind. I am so grateful for this blessing! His sister did die over the Christmas Holidays which leaves him as the last of 10 children to be living. It has hit him hard. But he's coping. We are blessed.

Happy Birthday Daddy!!!

Sending good thoughts to everyone.

I too am sending good thoughts and hugs and prayers all around. As I "listen" to each of you I will remind you that the power of a BOL prayer (and hug) is mighty and powerful.

So, I have had my suspicions for awhile and this week my mom's doctor agrees. She is to begin taking medicine for Alzheimer. From what I have read, it looks like she is in the early stages. Just something else to add to her health issues. And then I worry about my father. He helps us out with our children each day and sometimes I fear it's too much for him. At the same feel the children keep him sane at the same time. It's so hard seeing your parents go through these changes, which many of you understand the feeling.

They are to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary at the end of the month. My parents are very simple people, and just want to go out to dinner with us and my brother's family. No big celebration. At the same time, my worries that she won't make it til then, because no one in her family have ever reached their 50th anniversary. I'm like well, I guess you are going to be the first. UGHH!!

{{HUGS}} lcrew. Having elderly parents is difficult.

My parents married later in life (second marriages for both) and didn't think they would make 50 years (mom was 35 and dad was 38). In March it will be 55 years. We're getting ready to celebrate mom's 90th birthday in a few weeks.

So - just take it one day at a time. We never know what's going to happen and celebrate each milestone.

Thank you Skittles.

It's so frustrating when all the 'atta girl, Mom, you're going to set a new record' falls on deaf ears, isn't it? At least you know you tried to distract her from her fear of impending doom. Hang in there and enjoy the dinner!

I'm sorry to hear about the diagnosis Icrew, but knowing for sure and getting proactive is a good thing. Watch after mom, but watch after dad too. He is going to have a lot to deal with and its harder for the spouses than it is for the kids. Hugs and prayers for you and yours.

Thank you. And, I do worry about my Dad, Bankbb1. My husband is convinced that we will eventually being living with them, their house is bigger than ours, so that I will be able to handle their affairs.

Mom sounds lively now a days. She's not taking the new medicine everyday though, not sure why not though. She has a doctor's appt in a couple of weeks, I may take her to ask questions that I have directly to the doctor.

Icrew - my mom also has alzheimers', she isn't bad yet, but has enough of the issues. She refused to take the medicine until a couple years ago. I also finally talked her into getting lifeline, as she has some issues with falling.
My dad has had to take the checkbook/credit cards etc away from her. He also does a lot more of the cooking. She doesn't drive anymore also.
Luckily my brother moved back to our home town to help out. He has his own apartment, but goes over couple times a week and is there if needed.
I'm about 3.5 hours away, so I don't get home as often as I'd like.
My dad usually gets out of the house every morning for a couple of hours. That has helped him keep his sanity, as mom can be demanding.
My mom doesn't go out a lot as she has other issues. I wish she was more active, but can't force that either.

Hang in there. This BOL group has been great for me in many ways.

So this happened...
I sent some flowwers to mon. She's always enjoyed flowers and she hadnt had any delivered, so I though I would. No biggie.
A day later I go buy to make sure that she got them, see if she liked them an all that. Well , they are there and she likes them, but sitting next to them is a doll. The face head and hands are hand carved in great detail, the hair obviously attached by hand and all of the clothes are hand made. But it is the creepiest looking thing I have ever seen (Think Annabelle from The Conjuring and Annabelle) and nobody has any idea where it came from. I mean nobody. I asked my dad, my daughters and every one that was on the sign in sheet for coming and going and I asked all the staff. Nonody has a clue about. My daughter came in and said mom was talking to and my daguhter said "Oh He11 no!" it creeped her out so bad. She made the staff get rid of it. I really wish I knew where it came from, it was really a work of art, even it was 50 shades of crrepy!

Any chance mom "borrowed" the creepy azz doll from another resident?

::raises hand waving furiously::

I know, I know!!!!! Freak came by for a visit!!!!!!!

That is very creep, BBB1. I'd get rid of it, too.

BTW - my mom turns 90 tomorrow - and she still drives. Probably not the best thing, but she's still doing it. We were going to have a birthday celebration this past Saturday (think 30 people at a restaurant), but with the weather it's been postponed until the 7th. All kids, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be there.

That is cool Skittles!!

Jen, none of the staff had ever seen it before in anyones apartment.

Nice, Skittles!!

I called her first thing this morning to wish her happy birthday. I asked her what 90 felt like - and she said 'old'.

My MIL turns 91 today, still lives independent, drives, flies up north every summer to see us, and yesterday played shuffleboard. I'm hoping my husband has her genes (his dad passed at 60).

My mom is now 89. She has always been such a hard worker at home and in the family businesses they had. She loved big family gatherings and did all the cooking, loved the company in her home. It seems once daddy died in 2009 everything changed. She suddenly became obsessed with her finances, would be waiting for me at home when I got off work to read this piece of junk mail she just knew when needed to do to help her financially.

This last September she fell and broke her hip, had pins inserted and the last day of September sent to the nursing home for a 3 month rehab. It is now nearly March and she is still there.

She wants to come home, but she is to weak and cannot transfer herself from her wheelchair to a walker, plus she is now incontinence.

We are going through her money to keep her there and looks like they will end up getting her last dime. I don't care about the money, but I sure don't like this guilty feeling that continually hangs over my head. Our parents do so much for us growing up and in our adulthood years. I cannot not reciprocate because of my Lupus and other health issues.

So I have to put on my big girl panties and realize we are doing what is best for her in the long wrong, but I don't like being a grownup and my mother the child!

Skittle my mom was still driving before she fell! An angel had to be riding on her shoulder each time she went out!!!

I also might add she has been diagnosed with Dementia!

With all of her problems and your own health issues, it sounds like she's in the best possible care environment. So please, don't beat yourself up about it, Happy Drugs. There's only so much we can do for anyone, even our parents.

If you feel that your Mom might be happier in a different home, don't hesitate to check out the options.

Otherwise, visit her often. Take her out to dinner if you can. Or, as long as she has no food restrictions, bring one of her home cooked favorites in. Lots of nursing homes have rooms set aside for family visits so you could have Sunday dinners with other family members attending too. I can tell you from the years I worked in a nursing home, visits have a huge impact on the health and happiness of those living in them.

You know you are a grown up when you are dealing with aging parents and you realize that all of your choices suck.

Dementia increases the guilt factor when they don't remember your visits; a friend was chided for never visiting when she had been there the day before. Having a Polaroid camera available, taking pictures of guests and the parent, and noting the dates may salve the situation.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying it will help the parent remember, that's not how dementia works. It will, however, help the child feel less guilty as there is tangible "evidence" of their attentions.

We have a large scam going around our OKC area about the IRS calling and asking you to pay your taxes over the phone or you will go to jail. I always have to call my mom and let her know to just hang up on these people. They just want your card information to steal your money.

My mother always tells me "You just don't know the pressure I am under when people on the phone ask me for information.". Based on this I always make it a point to tell her about the latest scams.

My mom used to tell me about these calls. She'd take down all kinds of information and insist that they wanted me to call them back, etc. With caller id, we've told her not to answer calls unless she recognizes the name/number. If the caller is legit, they'll leave a message. If it's a scam or robocall, there will be nothing.

She got a little unnerved when these calls started coming from Private Caller. So I explained that to get around blocked calling places have taken to using private numbers and now she's ok again.

Truff - my mom won't 'not' answer the phone even with caller ID because once - once mind you - it was someone she wanted to talk to. I told her that's why she has caller ID.

I'm more worried about Mom rushing to answer the phone. She knows how to check the missed call list and calls back whoever she couldn't get there in time to see...including me. I've also told the entire family that if she doesn't answer, wait five minutes and try again. Thankfully it's working for us.

You know what is scary folks, we are talking about the future us! I worked with a very smart and dear lady who had over 40 years of banking experience when she retired. She is now in her mid-seventies and she got sucked into a scam. I was upset and shocked that her mind was now letting her down.

I found that I can talk until I am blue in the face and if she has her mind set to do it, she is going to! Of course now at the nursing home she doesn't have her own phone, she I am breathing a little easier on that part!

Have any of you had any experience with your elderly parent still insisting on driving? With my grandfather being at the point in his illness that he can't really drive, my grandma is insisting on driving. She is still completely mentally competent but hasn't driven in several years. She wants to start doing the driving so she is not dependent on family to take them places. We would like to practice with her to increase her comfort level with operation of the car (it's a newer vehicle for them). I suggested to my mom that maybe we should have grandma take the Mature Drivers course through one of the local driving schools.

My mom said that suggestion was made to my grandma and it made grandma angry. What I would like to know from any of you is whether or not you've used one of these courses with your own parent/family member. How successful was it? My mom's concern is that the school that offers the program is run by retired police officers. She doesn't want grandma taking the course and possibly having her "red flagged" as a driving hazard where they'll attempt to revoke her license. I think it could be very beneficial for grandma to become comfortable again with driving in heavy traffic.

This process is challenging and emotional! So glad we all can contribute to each other here in constructive ways and offer support!

Have any of you had any experience with your elderly parent still insisting on driving? With my grandfather being at the point in his illness that he can't really drive, my grandma is insisting on driving. She is still completely mentally competent but hasn't driven in several years. She wants to start doing the driving so she is not dependent on family to take them places. We would like to practice with her to increase her comfort level with operation of the car (it's a newer vehicle for them). I suggested to my mom that maybe we should have grandma take the Mature Drivers course through one of the local driving schools.

My mom said that suggestion was made to my grandma and it made grandma angry. What I would like to know from any of you is whether or not you've used one of these courses with your own parent/family member. How successful was it? My mom's concern is that the school that offers the program is run by retired police officers. She doesn't want grandma taking the course and possibly having her "red flagged" as a driving hazard where they'll attempt to revoke her license. I think it could be very beneficial for grandma to become comfortable again with driving in heavy traffic.

This process is challenging and emotional! So glad we all can contribute to each other here in constructive ways and offer support!

My mom has limited vision and still drives. Not very far, only in her very small town, and she's very slow and careful. Still, it scares the [censored] out of me. She is on an annual eye exam review schedule now, and that seems to be working so far. My dad or I drive her anywhere out of town, so she doesn't really need her license, but deeply wants to keep it as a symbol of independence, I think.

I think the driving class sounds like a good idea -- never hurts to brush up on skills, IMO. But I understand your grandma being annoyed by it, too -- we never like being told we're lacking in any area.

Yes, this drives me nuts with my Mom. I tell her "Don't answer the phone." I have explained that you can always call them back if they leave a message and it is someone you want to talk to.

She just can't "Not answer". So, I have tried the, if you answer and no one replies, don't say hello again, just hang up.

Before mom was in the nursing facility and still at home with dad, she would get the occasional desire to drive. Telling your parent that they cannot drive really is difficulr and can be devastating for them. What I did was simply have a dummy ket made for her car. It doesnt work. She would occasionally try it and then tell dad or call me and I would tell her that I would come by and check it. She almost always forgot about it and the issue was solved.
You feel a little guilty about such deceit, but it was better than telling her no or having her behind the wheel.

We finally convinced my mom to not drive any more. Her sight is failing and her feet are numb from diabetes. She is slow to react to things and would put others at great risk if she were behind the wheel of a vehicle. The last time she drove was to Costco, and she went over the parking curb three times trying to manuever into a parking space. She put up a great fight and even went and had her license renewed last year, but all of our united continued gentle reasoning with her finally worked. She is now content to have my dad or one of us kids/grandkids drive her to anywhere she needs to go. I feel bad for her. She was and IS a very strong willed woman, and it breaks my heart to see her give into defeat. She never gave in or gave up on anything during her life until this point.

Took a day off yesterday and went up to help out at my parents. Neither one of them is in good health right now - mom just turned 90 and came down with bronchitis and dad is 93 and losing weight (not eating) and getting weaker. I went to the grocery and bought things my mom wouldn't normally buy - and dad ate every bite. Mom wants to keep him around forever and will only cook 'healthy' food. Dad doesn't like it so he won't eat - and the vicious cycle begins. The doctor finally told mom she's going to have to feed him food with 'fat' in it and not worry so much about it.

I went to the grocery, cleaned around the house, ran the dishes, stripped the bed and washed the sheets, went and picked up some cash for her, got the garbage and recycling together and took it down to the street (and cleaned up trash that people had thrown out on the street), and a few other odds and ends. I don't feel like I did much, but mom was appreciative. My brother and sister have been going over there a lot and I felt I needed to step up a little.

Small victory story to share.

There are six of us at home, including Mom. That often balloons to nine when my granddaughters visit. We eat as many meals together as possible considering kid schedules. But Mom really can't hear what's happening.

So, yesterday when I took her some tea she finally just said 'I wish you'd come up here and just sit and talk to me more.' We had one of the best talks we've had in years. I even got to tell her that it's frustrating to talk to her when she just nods to cover not hearing something. The fact that I'd just told her something funny and she didn't laugh proved to perfectly emphasize my point.

I was so happy this morning when, instead of the nod and smile she said 'Didn't quite catch all of that. Could you please repeat it?'

Now to keep it going on both our parts.

I asked my dad if he had made any progress on finding a way to pay for his medication last night. He said that he had been in contact with Pfizer and that he was sending them some information. He sounded positive about it. He also bought himself a new recliner and seemed more concerned about replacing his cellphone since he had to give-up his company cellphone when he retired, so..........

Truff - that's wonderful.

I imagined her saying that and smiled.
We need to come see her too.



BBB1 - Where were you with this driving idea in 2004? When my grandma's Alzheimer's was progressing rapidly and we needed her to stop driving, we sold the car. She loved that car. She'd wanted that car her whole life. A Cadillac. She got it when she was 55. And when she turned 65 she got a new model. And put vanity plates on, that said "FLORIS." There was only one Floris in town and people knew it was her car. And my cousin bought the car.

From that point on, Grandma was convinced that my cousin, her beloved granddaughter had stolen the car. There was no convincing her that she had willingly sold it. And every time she saw her car, for the next 6 months (before she began her stay in the nursing home) she would say, "Yup, there is the car you stole from me." Her short term memory stunk, except over that one little item.

You've met my in-laws!

If any of y'all are thinking of adopting, please consider me.

Before my mom makes any decision at all she first likes to ask the opinion of every one she knows. In the end, though, in really doesn't matter because she will almost always go with what "Barbara said....". Barbara is the neighbor and best friend of 41 years.

To paraphrase: "Barbara, Barbara, Barbara!!!!It's always about Barbara!"

My MIL, who will be 99 in a few weeks, hasn't been eating for many months. Her doctor, a very caring woman who visits the nursing home, has begun taking her off various medications. She was thinking they might be depressing her appetite. Since then, she has stopped losing weight.

But also, since getting off some of the pills, her mind has been much sharper. She has been telling us stories, and has a sharp memory for details from long ago. She also is able to express herself better. It's been a gift for us.

This doctor did not prescribe the pills; a previous doctor did. She says we need to focus on quality of life, not quantity at this point, and taking an extra pill to prevent some heart problem is not worth it if she is in a fog all day long.

Smart doctor.

I like this doctor! So many want to keep pushing in those pills!

She has led a full life, so let her enjoy this remaining time she has!

My mom called me late yesterday afternoon from the nursing home and asked me to come and get her. I asked how come and she said she had an upset that day. I asked what about, and she told me she had to talk to a psychiatrist. It through her off and she couldn't remember anything, not even the day of the week. I talked to her for awhile and told her that was understandable, that anytime something unexpected comes at you that you will get easily confused especially at 89 and already have early onset Dementia. I think she was feeling better after our talk, but I felt so sorry for her and just wanted to lay my head in my lap and cry for what my mother is now and what she use to be.

I had a lupus flair and inflamed muscle last month and didn't get to see her for awhile, my husband explained it all to her and she said if I was there I would tuck her into bed and bring her water! You don't know how much I would have loved that!

What a difference two weeks makes! At the end of last month, my MIL had suddenly seemed more alert, and was doing much better holding a conversation. In an instant, she's now worse than ever.

The last few days, every family member that visits her says how confused she is. She's sure she spent the weekend with her roommate's parents (her roommate just turned 95) and now she thinks she's been abandoned at her roommate's home. She told my BIL today that she was late for high school. She also falls asleep while you're talking to her.

Has some one checked the side effects of her meds MBH?

I just saw an article on MSN talking about some drugs can cause confusion in people! It might be worth to take a look and see!

I am learning with mama to not try and correct her on something she says that is wrong! It has been hard to do and hard to watch her confusion. I have discovered I can't make her remember these things no matter how hard I want her to.

I took my granddaughters to see her easter sunday and she told them their daddy had just been there!! I knew he hadn't, but then i discovered my brother had been and I guess for a moment she had them confused with his 2 girls!

ed's right. Check your mom's meds, MBH.
My mom just had a scary two week bout that turned out to be caused by her BP meds. What had been the right dosage for her in the past, suddenly wasn't anymore. She was overmedicated, causing her BP to drop horribly low. Lack of the right amount of oxygenated blood caused her to have abdominal pains, which made her hesitant to eat or drink. Vicious cycle that finally my daughter, the geriatric nurse, helped Mom's dr to figure out. We should have paid more attention to her decreased appetite when it first started showing a few weeks ago. Now we know and will be much quicker if it happens again.

Also - UTIs can mess with elderly people's minds. My aunt used to have major confusion when she had one.

My father has been in a nursing home for just over a week now for rehab. He had excessive fluid on his lungs (3rd time in 14 months) and after they got it off using medication he was too weak to do anything. He was evaluated yesterday and they think he will be there for 2 more weeks. I can start to hear him getting a little confused - or forgetting - at times. Both things dad never did before. He was 93 in November. At least they have given permission for him to join us to celebrate mom's 90th birthday (from February).

After my moms fall and breaking her hip, she now has UTI's constantly because she has become incontinent!

My mother-in-law passed away yesterday, a couple weeks short of her 99th birthday. She had been increasingly sleepy last week, and by Friday, was sleeping all the time. The doctor warned us Friday that she wouldn't last the weekend. Saturday, the nursing home staff came in one by one to say good bye. She'd occasionally open her eyes when my wife would talk to her, but didn't communicate. She peacefully slipped away Sunday morning, with most of her children at her side.

My condolences, MBH. I hope you all take comfort that she passed peacefully.

Prayers of peace for your family MBH. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss, MBH.

Prayers for your MIL and all the family she left behind.

I'm so sorry, Brain...but it sounds like she left y'all in the best way possible...peaceful.

Prayers for the families, MBH.

Thanks, everyone. She did go very peacefully, like she just decided it was time and went to sleep. My wife and I have been in the habit of visiting her at 11:30 every Sunday for years. I think that's when it will hit us both, next Sunday morning.

It probably will, hopefully you will remember the happy memories and the love. The Lord's Day is a good day to remember those who have gone before. Sorry for your loss.

Brain, prayers for you and your family in the loss of your loved one. 99, wow!

Dad has been away from home for approximately 7 1/2 weeks. He spent the first week in the hospital (fluid on his lungs) and has been in a nursing home/rehab for the past 6 1/2 weeks for physical and respiratory therapy. He was cleared yesterday (after they took him home to make sure he could get up the 16 steps to the house) to go home on Thursday. While this is a good thing - and he's greatly relieved - it's also scary. Mom is 90 and dad is 93. Dad realizes they need a lot more help. Hopefully mom is accepting of that. I think she's afraid if she stops doing everything she'll wither.

It's so hard not to worry, I'm sure. I'm very thankful that my dad has his girlfriend to help him out right now. She also encourages him to get out and about as much as he can handle and eat even when he doesn't feel like it.

Thoughts and prayers for your parents, Skittles.

Prayers for you Skittles, and your Mom and Dad.

My dad is 90+, very active. Mom is 85 and semi-active. Sad to see them grow older and for difficult decisions ahead.

<<<<----------- needs a girlfriend like that ^^^^^^^^^

Things aren't going so well. Dad was home for 4 days before being re-admitted to the hospital. After some testing it was determined that he has aortic stenosis - his valve isn't opening and oxygenated blood isn't flowing which causes the back-up of fluid in his lungs and his weakness. They have gotten rid of the excess fluid with drugs and when he is strong enough he will go home - and then to go Louisville for testing to see if he's a candidate to have his heart valve replaced. This morning he was so weak he couldn't sit up on the side of the bed without support - and this is making him depressed. Not a good combination.

Sorry to hear that Skittles. Praying he is better soon.

Very sorry to hear he's still having trouble Skittles. Praying his strength returns and he's able to go home.

Lots of prayers, Skittles.
Having just gotten through a recent scare with my own mom, I've been reminded just how hard and worrisome having an ailing parent is. Thankful for the gift of her return to health.

I'm sorry, Skittles.

Hang in there SKittles.

Thoughts and prayers, Skittles.

Thanks. He seems to be getting more depressed every day. His blood pressure dropped to 79/49 yesterday. He has no idea when he will be strong enough to go home. He has to do that before they will test to see if he's a candidate for the valve replacement.

So very sorry Skittles, I had open heart surgery and mitral valve work done 13 years ago, and I swore I would never go through that again.

Got some not-so-good news today. He is leaving the hospital (been in there for just over 3 weeks) and going back to the assisted living/nursing home for rehab; however his doctor told him that he will never be strong enough for the valve replacement. I'm afraid that's going to remove his will to live.

Oh, Skittles, more thoughts and prayers to you.

dang! Sometimes you wish dr's could lie or at least withhold the truth. Lots of prayers for your dad. And ((hugs)) for you.

I'm so very sorry. Sending prayers and good thought to y'all.

Thanks for the hugs, Truff. I think my mom needs them more. She's been doing OK by herself for the past three months and does extremely well for 90; however the loss of dad will devastate her.

Sending prayers for you and your family Skittles.

Talked to my mom earlier today about my 90 year old grandfather. Diagnosed a year ago with prostate cancer and has had issues related to congestive heart failure. He does not have any effects related to Alzheimer's/dementia, which in some ways, almost makes it tougher because he KNOWS his body is failing. It's really hard to watch this process. Mom said he woke up today completely convinced that my grandma had left him. He was very distraught. In order to calm him down, grandma sat next to him and sang hymns to him for over an hour. It truly breaks my heart, but what a wonderful gift they're giving the rest of the family by showing how to love.

Dad (and my mother and brother) met with the cardiologist yesterday. The cardiologist told dad that he could replace his heart valve with a 97% chance of everything going as planned. If not, dad will continue to get weaker and won't be able to stay at home - and probably wouldn't last two years. Dad has decided to call the office today and schedule his evaluation to make sure he's strong enough for surgery. Hopefully this will all work out and he can get a little stronger. If he can get his valve replaced the fluid that continues to build up in his lungs will stop since his blood flow will be back to normal. The doctor told him that the valve should have an opening of 35 millimeters - and it's only 7.

Yes, he's 93 but still sharp and he doesn't want to live in an assisted living. I think he made the right decision.

Wow Skittles. That's great news. Praying he's strong enough for surgery and it's successful. Sounds like the Dr. is confident and that's always good to hear!

Sending prayers to your dad and the medical team Skittles. That really is great news. Even better if it gets your dad into a more positive place too.

Prayers on a successful procedure for your dad, Skittles!

Thoughts and prayers to you, Busy Bee.

Is this a minimally invasive procedure Skittles, or do they have to crack his chest open? Which valve is it? Replacement with a pig valve? God bless him.

No, they couldn't crack his chest. They (if they can) will go through the artery in his groin - like they do with a stent. Just a much bigger catheter. Dad is diabetic and his arteries have narrowed so we're not sure if he's a candidate yet. I believe the doctor is going to call today to schedule the evaluation.

Sending my prayers

I would appreciate some prayers today for my dad. He's currently at the hospital undergoing tests to see if he's eligible for the surgery. I know that whatever the outcome it's what's meant to be.

Prayers for your dad and you and your family. Hope all goes well.

Dad is home now. My brother said they have scheduled a heart cath on Friday just to make sure there won't be any trouble when they do the valve.

Sounding good to me. Hang in there Skittles

Dad's heart cath was good today. They will do a CT scan next Friday and the heart valve replacement is scheduled for the 13th. It just amazes me that they can replace a heart valve on an almost 94 year old man without cracking his chest.

I was just thinking about your dad Skittles. That is really great news. Continued prayers for his healing and upcoming surgery!!

As of right now they have moved dad's procedure forward to tomorrow. On Sunday he was back in the hospital with fluid on his lungs and a low hemoglobin. I'm nervous and will head up this afternoon, but praying the doctor's know what they are doing. Living like this - constantly in and out of the hospital and rehab - isn't good.

Prayers for the surgeons, your dad and your family Skittles. Hope all goes as planned and your dad can get back to enjoying life.

Praying for your Dad, Skittles.

Thanks to you both. My brother just said 'It's a go' so we're on.

Prayers for your father, Skittles!

I just visited my grandfather at lunch. His body is slowly shutting down. It's so hard to see, but he was so sweet....he wanted to hold my hand and kept kissing it. Those are the precious moments that I will always have and wouldn't trade for anything!!

Skittles, hope all went well with your father's procedure.

I am looking for some advice/help.
My mom has Alzheimer's, in the somewhat earlier stages yet.

She can still dress herself, walk with cane/walker and still knows most people. She is still at home with my dad. She doesn't wander and actually doesn't care to leave the house, so dad can still leave her alone for a couple of hours. She had lifeline in case something does happen while he is gone.

My question is how do you know when it is time for them to go into a nursing home with an Alzheimer's unit?
I realize everyone's situation, etc are different. But are there some guidelines, or somewhere you can call and ask questions?
My dad says he can still care for her, but it is taking its toll on him. He has a bad back so that doesn't help at all.
My brother does live in town, so he goes over and help with different things my dad can't do. I live about 3 1/2 hrs away, so don't get home to help as much as I should.
We were home this last weekend, and I can tell that mom is getting worse and that also dad's temperament is changing.
Any ideas would be appreciated.

Skittles, hoping to hear news that the procedure went well for your dad.

fun_grandma, I don't have any words of advice, but prayers to you and your family to find the answers that you need.

fun_grandma, You may want to see if one of the nursing homes in your area has a staff member to talk to. When my mom went from an independent living center to nursing care, the center's social worker called me and discussed their evaluation of her. Perhaps a home in your area has a social worker or counselor that could give you some guidelines.

Praying for you and Skittles and Busy Bee. These are really difficult times.

My dad has been gone 15 years (unbelieveable) and mom for 9, and I see them frequently in my dreams. Whenever I do, it's always the mom and dad I remember back when they were healthy and happy.

What Brain said. Talk to the pros.

Brain, how nice! . Lucky you!

You may not have to jump to nursing home care right away. Check out elder care services offered in your parents' community. Social Services may have recommendations or you can check community boards, etc.

One of the biggest problems my daughter has with dementia patients at the nursing home is that they tend to wander off or try to leave the building simply because they don't understand the dangers anymore. So while you mom has a lifeline button, it's probably best to look for someone to come stay with her when your dad goes out. That same person could help with her cares which would ease the burden on your dad and his back.

It might also be a good idea to set up a family meeting with her doctor to discuss her care and ask for his guidance and recommendations.

Dad did well - and then that afternoon he had to have a pacemaker. His heart did not have natural rhythm. He's getting out of cardiovascular ICU today and put in a 'regular' room. He may get out tomorrow or Monday - and then off to rehab.

fun grandma - while I don't have any advice for you - you do have my prayers.

so glad to hear that your dad is doing better, Skittles.

I hope your dad continues doing well, Skittles...

Amazing, just amazing that someone that old can pull through and get to rehab. Gives us hope when the day comes we are there.

Thanks for everyone's kind words. Not in rehab yet. He's not eating - nothing sounds good. I told him over the phone this morning that if he wanted to get out of the hospital he needed to eat. The surgery was a HUGE success, but dad is down in the dumps right now. Hopefully he'll improve enough in the next day or two to get to rehab.

Prayers skittles. Keep being diligent. And get him moving.



fun grandma, You will just know.

There was a day when grandma left the house to go for a walk and we lost her for 4 hours. She could not remember how to get back.
And she told us it wouldn't happen again. And then it did. (This time an uncle that lives close by was watching for it.) The next week she called 911 because of an intruder - it was my grandpa - she didn't know him anymore. The next day, the same thing, she called the police, my grandpa called my dad and my dad called the nursing home.

The next week we moved her in. And soon after, she tried to stage an escape with the other residents. (She was a feisty one.)

QCL - I'm sure that was a stressful time for your family, but what memories you have!! I found it rather funny that she tried to stage an escape with others! I can only imagine the conversation they had while in their planning stages!

So glad to hear the surgery went well. He must be a very strong man because that surgery is no picnic. Praying for his spirits to lift and his appetite to come back!!

Dementia in any form can be horrible and entertaining all at the same time. Try to find the humor as often as possible.

Got a call from my mom this morning and she said that they were sure today would be the day that my grandpa was going to pass away. He was telling my mom and grandma that he was dying and then was talking about being with the Lord in Heaven. But...he rallied again and actually ate some breakfast today. What an emotional rollercoaster this has been!

He was talking in his sleep when I visited at lunch. Kept talking about rebar and metal bearings. Then, in his sleep, he was pointing his finger and said, "If you go two miles an hour slower, then you wouldn't have a problem and it will be much better." We figured one of his kids or grandkids was getting a lecture about speeding! As difficult as this end-of-life process has been, we are grateful for the positive memories that are being made.

How's your grandpa today Busy?

Sadly, grandpa passed on Sunday morning. What a blessing it is to know he's no longer suffering and to know where he is! And we had time to say our goodbyes to him. He was ready to go.

Condolences and prayers for you and all your family, Bee.

I'm so sorry, Busy.

Very sorry, Busy Bee, and wishing you many happy memories of your grandpa.

My condolences Busy Bee. May you find comfort in your many happy memories.

My deepest condolences Busy.

Sorry for your loss, Busy.

Oh Busy, I know you and your family will miss him even as you are glad he is no longer suffering. My deepest sympathies with your loss..

Just saw your post Busy. I am sorry for your loss. Sending prayers to your family.

Can I ask if anyone has a recommendation for an auto-ship, discrete, diaper company? My mom is so embarrassed to purchase them and hates to ask anyone to help her get them. I live two hours away, so maybe an auto-mail? I am going to see her this weekend and have 7 dzn in my car for her so she should be set up for a while.

Have you checked Amazon? They have literally everything and it all comes in boxes marked Amazon. They have repeat shipment options too.
Otherwise, you might try the company website for the brand you've already purchased. The address should be on the package. I'm sure you're not the first person to come up with this issue so a call or email to them might be able to set it right up.

My parents appear to be going downhill rapidly. Dad is back in the hospital and his mind is slipping. He won't eat much of anything or drink and he's dehydrated. I think he's giving up. Mom's BP is all over the place and sometimes she can barely walk she's so dizzy. She has a lady that comes in and sits with her during the day and fixes her lunch and does some work around the house (feeding the birds, etc.). Very sad.

I am so sorry to hear that Skittles. {{{HUGS}}}

So sorry, Skittles! Lifting you all up in prayer!

Thanks. I'm really glad we cancelled our Colorado trip and went up to see them instead. My husband worked like a horse (moved a deep freeze from the basement to the back porch so mom could get to it - he did have a little help from me), took dad for a wheelchair ride around the outside of the facility, had tons of patience with my mom, etc.

Very sorry for all this stress over your parents. Hang in there and do your best, it's all we can do.

I'm sorry to hear this, Skittles.

Very sorry to hear this news Skittles. Hang in there. We're praying for your family.

So sorry Skittles. You and your husband have done a great job with your parents.

Thinking of you and your parents Skittles.

Prayers coming your way.

Sorry to hear about your parents, Skittles.

Sorry to hear about your parents Skittles.

My mom went into the nursing home last Friday. The Dr told dad that if she didn't go, they would both end up there. I went home and helped with paper work for Social Services. Talked to dad last night and he seems to be doing pretty good. Still stressed some over the cost, but think it will all work out.
I know it will be a lot better for him. Also, for mom as she will be on a better schedule, with meals, meds, etc.
I know some of her issues are the early stages of Alzheimer's, but also frustrating that if she would've been doing things at home like she was told, she wouldn't be there.
Hard to see our parents go through all of this.

Oh, fun grandma! How stressful.

Keeping you and Skittles on the prayer list.

well, just spent 5 days at my parents, doing simple chores like changing light bulbs since they have high ceilings and neither can get on a ladder, replacing the globe on a light fixture, moving some landscaping rocks that had shifted, replacing the water filter in the refrigerator, trimming tree branches, and other things us young whippersnappers take for granted...

as my stepmom said yesterday "it's hades getting old..."

You're a good man, HappyGilmore. My mother says it's awful when you can't do things for yourself any more and have to rely on others.

I will not grow old gracefully, I have no patience and will be very unhappy if i'm unable to perform simple chores...

Happy - you sound like my husband, although he's a lot older than you are (63).

Gee, thanks Skittles.... a LOT older is 63.....ugh.....

she got that right and when I am 62, 63 would still be a lot older.

Pale remembers when his waist was 63, but not his age...that was too long ago, for both!

My dad's declined significantly over the summer. He was still hale and hearty in late spring but as he approaches his 89th birthday Christmas eve, it seems a perfect storm of health issues are felling him.

Could there be some hope, Skittles in a review of prescriptions and an evaluation of their benefits and side effects?

My dad was prescribed Amiodarone for heart arrhythmia. It destroyed his equilibrium almost immediately and he began falling, sometimes more than once a day. In recent weeks his mind began slipping at an alarming rate. A separate medical emergency landed him in the hospital on Monday a week ago with failing kidneys. The family had suspected this Amiodarone was a problem with his balance and his confusion so I embarked on a crusade to get to the bottom of it. Sure enough, all interviewed, RNs and other physicians, except for the doctor who prescribed the medication, said it was evil stuff with wretched side effects, especially on the aged. He was taken off of it and within a day he showed signs of improvement. By last weekend he was completely in his right mind and as steady as an old fellow can be with a bad back.

I had to fight both the heart doctor and my mother, who embraces any medication ever prescribed them as required miracle cures, in order to get my dad off the medicine. He is unable to have the extensive back surgery required to correct several different issues which cause great pain but he's at least clear-minded and mobile again.

It's hard to determine which is worse. The possible outcome of untreated arrhythmia or the possible outcome of falling with resultant bashed heads and broken hips due to side effects of treating a condition. Either could kill a person.

Went up on Saturday and saw my parents. Mom is doing OK and is feeling better. Dad actually sounded and looked a little stronger - and has started to eat a little bit. Don't know what to expect, but every little improvement helps. Took mom up to see dad and to the grocery.

And after all that, my SIL is going to move my inlaws back to their home (no it didn't sell the year it was on the market, mostly because she placed it with an inept, nonlocal realtor and then insisted she had to be there to 'help' show it, but wasn't ever available.) $24,000 down the drain, not to mention all the time and energy and confusion for my inlaws. I have no idea what she is planning to do about their ongoing care, feeding, or the expenses she will incur moving their stuff back home and making the house habitable. Supposedly she is in the process of building on to her house to move them in with her, but again - they really do need qualified care. I am just speechless.

I'm so sorry, EGB. Sounds like your SIL isn't in touch with reality.

THAT'S an understatement. About 3 of my 4 SILs, in fact........

If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Tomorrow is not only Veteran's Day - it's also my dad's 94th birthday. He's been in a nursing home for several months now and has only been home for about 4 weeks total since March. He will not be going home again and needs constant care. The home has contacted my sister this afternoon (she's POA) that they believe they hear fluid in dad's lungs and he may have aspiration pneumonia. He just had pneumonia about 2 weeks ago but was able to fight it and get out of the hospital. He signed a waiver a couple of months ago so he could drink 'regular' drinks and not have thickener put in to prevent this. While we are lucky he's achieved this age, we're not ready to say good bye. I will be going up on Saturday to visit him.

I hope you have a good visit, Skittles, and that your Dad improves and is comfortable!

What Kathleen said! !

Thanks. I'm going up tomorrow. He had gotten really bad; however they discovered he was dehydrated. After giving him IV fluids he appears to be somewhat better. No pneumonia. He has moved beds since his roommate left and now has a window and the TV is within sight - previously it was across the room.

Well that sounds better just reading about it!

Just to let you know, dad passed away on the 22nd of November. Long story, but he was tired, almost blind and could barely use his hands any longer. We buried him on Saturday the 28th. Mom is doing OK, but it's going to take some time. She's home by herself now, but is keeping busy. Thanksgiving was difficult and I know Christmas may be worse, but we've grown stronger as a family.

Thanks for your prayers over the past few years. It has been much appreciated.

Oh Skittles I'm so sorry to hear that. It's never easy to lose a parent but losing one around the holidays is even worse. Prayers of comfort for your family and especially your mother.

Sending my heartfelt sympathy to you Skittles. The loss of a parent is a marker in our lives. Let the memories carry you through the sad times. God bless.

Very sorry, Skittles. We're never ready to say goodbye to mom and dad.

So sorry to hear this Skittles. Holidays are tough after losing our loved ones. We buried my Mother in Law the day before Thanksgiving last year so this year was tough again. Thoughts and prayers as you remember the good times with Dad and prayers that Mom adjusts to her "new normal".

Skittles, I am so sorry for your loss. Even though we sometimes expect it - it is not easy. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Skittles, I am so sorry. I know this is a tough time for you. Thinking of y'all.

Skittles, so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry to hear of your dad's passing. My prayers are with you all and may the Lord bring you extra comfort throughout the holiday season.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Skittles.

So sorry for your loss Skittles. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I'm so sorry for you, Skittles.

Memory Eternal

Sorry for your loss and prayers for comfort for your whole family. God Bless

Skittles-I am so sorry for your loss.

Skittles - I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family during this time of grief.

Skittles, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad. I'm sure you have many fond memories of him and I'll be praying for you and the family.

Thanks to all of you. It's tough, but we're getting through. The essence of bad timing (but who knew) - we got a 7 1/2 week old sheltie puppy on the 21st. Now I'm really exhausted.

Because God figured you needed something that made you laugh "even though". Laughter and love are wonderful balms to the soul.

They are burying my ex mother-in-law this morning. She passed away unexpectedly on Friday. My son lost two grandparents in less than two weeks. My mother is the only one he has left now.

Skittles:
Sorry for your recent losses. Prayers to you and your family.

Updating this post from 2014. Mom has now been living in an Assisted Living facility for 17 months. I see her every day and have a good rapport with the staff. Mom now takes better care of her appearance, but she is still feisty about certain things. Her health continues to trend down. The worry about her every hour of the day is much relieved by my confidence in the staff. She is much more social than before and Bingo is very much a favorite activity. The time was right and it was a good move.

On a sad note, my brother-in-law passed away in late 2014.

We are now empty-nesters again. A real adjustment.

I broached the subject of assisted living to my mother last weekend. She will be 79 this fall and is still very adamant about mowing and taking care of her own lawn and not just "sitting around" and letting someone else take care of it. It is harder since she is almost 2 hours away from me. My brother lives very close but is not a very good caretaker. I think, maybe, its for my own peace of mind that I want her in assisted living, which isn't fair.

Okie Banker, there are steps between staying in your own home and assisted living. My parents moved into a retirement community - they had their own apartment, still had their car, etc. - but there were a lot more services available if they needed them. They moved when they were about 80, and noted that that seems to be a standard age when the extras (mowing, raking, etc.) start to weigh heavy. They were really happy with the move because that freed up all the energy they had been spending maintaining the house, for them to devote to other things they enjoyed like travel, socializing, church, etc. The great thing for us (their children) is that the retirement place is the "first responder" in an emergency. We never had to worry that one of them had fallen and couldn't get up, etc.

DEL, I wish my parents were as open-minded. My dad is 85; Mom is 83. He's had both knees replaced and has a defibrillator in his chest in case his heart decides to skip too many beats. She is healthy as a horse, and is as stubborn as a mule. Three years ago my husband and our two little girls relocated to my hometown to be a mere 10 minutes from them, rather than 7 hours. They still live on the family farm, though all but 6 acres has been sold off to developers. The house is set back from the road and hidden by trees, so they're pretty isolated. The house has been robbed several times, most recently by meth users looking for quick cash. Fortunately, they've been away each time a break in has occurred. Dad insists on mowing with his zero turn mower, which gets hung up more often than not. He's fallen a couple of times, and she's had to call us to come help him up (no injuries, other than pride). I have suggested a lawn service, which they say will be too expensive and won't do the job right. I've hinted at moving, which was shot down immediately. I don't have siblings, so I feel lost as to how to respect their wishes yet keep my peace of mind about their safety and security.

you need to remember that you are now the parent and they are the children. I do not know when or why that happens it just happens.

Today is my mom's 91st birthday. I'm concerned it will be a sad day since it's her first birthday since losing dad in November; however she sounded pretty good this morning. My sister and her boyfriend are taking mom to dinner tonight. On Saturday we're going up and taking her to her parents gravesites and her sister's - and she doesn't know it but we're taking her to my son's house (about 15 minutes away from there) as a surprise. She's never seen it and I think she'll enjoy that.

HRH - been thinking about you a lot these last few days and wish I had some advice. Mom is 91 and living alone; however she can't drive any more or really do much of anything around the house - let alone mow. There are others that do these things for her. She doesn't want to go to assisted living unless she has to. She wants to stay at home.

My mom, too, is stubborn and wants to stay in her home. Fortunately she rents, but she has challenges that worry me. She's had a stroke which led to a number of other issues, and has fallen several times. Her most recent fall may have caused a second compression fracture in her back (2 doctors read the xray and had different opinions). Since that fall a few weeks ago she can't walk more than a few steps without having to sit, can't sit for more than 1/2 hour and has difficulties getting in and out of bed. I'd love to see her move to a retirement community.

Sounds like she would benefit from that hmdagal. My mother would benefit for the social aspects right now since she's home by herself and can no longer drive. She just doesn't want to yet.

A year or so after my mom died, my dad moved to senior housing. He lived in a regular apartment but could transition to assisted living and then a nursing home if need be. Let me tell you, once he moved in the man became a social butterfly. If we wanted to reach him by phone it had to be before 7:30am or around dinnertime. Otherwise he was down playing cards and flirting with the ladies. He didn't have to worry about lawn care, home maintenance, real estate taxes, homeowners insurance, etc. He just lived.

Two things jump out at me from the most recent posts.
First, I believe that we are never our parents' parents. imo, if you look at it that way you're bound to have trouble. You will ALWAYS be the child even when you are taking care of your parents. If you try to treat them like your child, I can guarantee all he// is going to break loose. Somehow you have to find a way to let them maintain their dignity and at least think they are making their own decisions even if you're leading them by the hand or handing them the pen to sign the acceptance on the offer to buy their house. Yes, it's hard. I struggle with it with my 89 year old mother on a daily basis. But she's still my Mom and she's not about to let me forget that fact, even as she takes my arm to walk into the store I've just driven her to.

Second, just think of the word you all use to describe where your parent wants to stay. They want to stay 'home'. As people age, they take comfort in things staying the same and being able to control their surroundings especially when their body and mind may be starting to act out on their own. Again, we have to find ways to make that possible without taking away their dignity. Meals on wheels, home help aids, all kinds of things are available. Start with one small thing and give them a chance to get accustomed to it. Then you may find that they're more receptive to accepting more help.

The whole idea of living longer is still relatively new as evidenced by all of us struggling to help our aging parents. But society is making strides in providing services for those who want to stay home. We just have to dig for it.

Good luck to all of us and prayers too.

If you try to treat them like your child, I can guarantee all he// is going to break loose. Somehow you have to find a way to let them maintain their dignity and at least think they are making their own decisions even if you're leading them by the hand or handing them the pen to sign the acceptance on the offer to buy their house

You also need to let children have there dignity as well on also takes a child by the hand and helps them with their writing skills.

It is just the way that look at things. Once Parents have kids it is no longer about them. Once the old people get to a certain point it is all about them.

Instead of being tucked in you are now driving an hour to make sure they are ok (tucking them in)

you guide your children to make the right choices and now you guide your parents to make the right choices.

force a child to do something they do not want to do is getting the same outcome as forcing a parent.

Here's the way I think of it: If someone's current home is no longer a safe place for them to live, what's wrong with encouraging them to find a more suitable home? In my case, mom has only lived in her current apartment for 3 years. A year ago she was ready to move back to her former community. For a number of reasons, at that time I encouraged her stay where she was. Now her situation is different - in more ways than one

Boy, there are a lot of us in this same boat. I'm glad we have this "village" in which to share these experiences.

I'm think that by broaching the subject it at least gets her to thinking. I am going to let her think about that for a while. Perhaps this summer she might be interested in touring a few places to see what is offered.

I agree Okie, make the suggestion, no rush. Eventually she might think it was her idea

hmdagal, have you tried getting her meals on wheels? It's a huge help and a relief to your worry to know that someone is going there regularly when you're at work, etc. I did it when my oldest gran was 5. She loved helping and the people we delivered to loved seeing her and getting a hot meal. Sometimes we'd bump into relatives who would tell us how much it helped to know their family member was fed and moreso that someone was there to make sure everything was ok.

FWIW my wife worked in the past for meals on wheels while a great service there were income levels and they do not deliver on weekends only one meal a day but it can be somewhat customized. They did not deliver in nasty weather. I hope that is not the case in your area.

I know in my area, there are no income restrictions for meals on wheels. It is a great program. The complex my dad lived in offered meal plans, cafeteria style, or we would have gone the meals on wheels route for him.

Truff, she's not eating much of anything right now. She's got no interest in food. I've cooked for her, brought her food, her sister has offered to cook for her, people from her church have offered to bring her meals and she's turned it all down.

hmdagal - I believe this is typical. Both of my parents did/do this. Mom will force herself to eat sometimes because she knows she has to - especially to take her medication. There is medication out there to help stimulate an appetite that a doctor can prescribe.

And if she isn't eating very good have you tried Boost or Ensure so she is at least getting something? We had to try that because my mother in law wasn't eating much at all.

My mom had a fabulous day on Saturday. Took her to see my son's house for the first time - went to lunch (and she ate every bite) and went to both cemeteries (her parent's and her sister's). She's still raving about the day - and about the chicken fried steak she had for lunch on Saturday.

hmdagal, sounds like you're on the brink of needing some medical intervention, which I'm sure you've already thought of. AFter a chat with her doctor, home health care nurse evaluation may be the place to start. Hopefully you have her POA? Here if you need an ear and sending lots of prayers...and ((hugs)) for you too

hmdagal - sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way.

Skittles - Glad to hear your mom has a great day.

Just a quick update - mom's doctor prescribed an appetite stimulant, which is helping. I've obtained information on services available through the county, as well as some private pay providers for assistance with personal hygiene and housekeeping items.

While I accepted part of the parent - child role reversal, I tried to remember that I didn't like it when my parents told me what to do, particularly when they were trying to protect me from risks that I understood and was willing to accept. I don't think parents are obligated to give up their independence so their children can worry less.

They worried about us. At some point, it's our turn to worry about them.

I think any home service that helps people retain their independence is a great idea. When a friend indicated she was contacting Hosparus about visiting her Mom in an independent living facility and helping her with hygiene and grooming, I said, "That's not what they do..." Then I got an education on the evolution from Hospice to Hosparus. I was wrong, they do supply close support for people who just need some TLC and who are not at death's door. It's worth a call.

Tomorrow would have been my parent's anniversary. Last year mom forgot so I was hoping she wouldn't remember this time. Not so lucky. Monday she reminded me what tomorrow would have been - and got all weepy - again.

My father-in-law passed away last Friday from Alzheimers. The last week of his life was such a rapid decline. But, he got his wish to die at home. We worked hard to care for him, to allow that to happen. It was so worth it though. The night before he died my MIL said "I've never lived alone". She moved from her fathers house at 18 and into her husbands house. She's been doing ok though, considering. Although the first night, she did rearrange the furniture in the living room at midnight.

I am giving the eulogy tomorrow. At first, I thought I can't write a eulogy... what would I say? But I gave it a day or so and then the words came.. I now have 3 pages about this amazing man... and I could have said so much more. Now, if I can just get through it tomorrow without losing it.

I'm so sorry for your loss, basilring.

I moved this conversation from "Prayers for Ex" to this thread.

I thought I would follow up with what going on with my dad.

Turns out he has Prostate cancer. He was scored a 9 out of 10 for degree of cancer, it is a fast growing cancer. The Dr gives him an 86% success rate for treatment, since they believe they have caught it early. They have not found it anywhere else in his body. They have started the Hormone treatments (estrogen shots) Dr said he will become emotional and irritable, and go through hot flashes, but won't grow b oobs

So far after the first two treatments, his PSA number have fallen from 17 to 1.9 which is good.

Thank you for your prayers.

Prayers for your dad, DD, and for you basilring, too. I think I would have a hard time with a eulogy for someone close to me. And prayers for your MIL. A big adjustment for her.

Prayers for your Dad, DD. Sorry for your loss, Basilring. May you have the strength you need for this day..

You were lucky to have been in each others lives basilring thoughts and prayers on this difficult day are being sent your way. Prayers are being sent to you too DD. I hope you can keep up the sense of humor during these trying times.

DD... prayers for your dad! Glad he is seeing success already.

And thank you to all for your responses. I made it through the eulogy with tears in my eyes and choked up twice, but was able to take a deep breath and keep going.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Basilring...and prayers for your Dad, DD.

So sorry for your loss, basilring.

DD, prayers for continued improvement for your dad.

I've been busy transitioning my mom into an assisted living facility It's no longer safe for her to live on her own and neither her older sister nor I are able to take care of her.

We put my mom in the nursing home last Sept. She has early Alzheimer's, but my dad just couldn't take care of her anymore.
Has been hard on both of them. My brother moved back to our home town, so he helps out a lot and has POA. I'm thankful he is there and has been willing to take on the responsibilities.
We went home this past weekend, hadn't seen my mom since November. I couldn't believe how bad she looked. The perm is gone from her hair. It wasn't combed and looked like it hadn't been washed in a week. I'm sure it hasn't been that long, but was very shocking to see her that way. Especially since they knew we were taking her home for a few hours.
She is in her 4th room since she has been there. My dad told them not to move her again, because she will never be happy with her roommate.
My dad has done pretty good on his own. He does get lonely, but has been better for his health that he doesn't have the responsibility for mom's health.
Hard to see your parents get old. Especially when their health declines.

I appreciate this site as it is a place you can get ideas/help or just vent.

I understand for sure the shock of seeing your mother appearing unkempt when that is probably very out of the norm for her. I went through the same last year. If there was one thing my mother remained persnickety about, no matter how bad her dementia got, it was her hair. When she did not care at all and never even looked into a mirror any longer I knew that we were reaching the end of this journey. I so wished I had been closer and could have somehow arranged for some of this, but in reality she most likely would not have stood for anyone to touch her for any length of time at that point. Most of the facilities we had access to were nothing like the one seen in The Notebook. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

When your momma stops taking her depression medication because she ran out of pills and the bottle says "Dr must okay refills" but her next apt isn't until May. So she just stopped taking them and didn't tell anyone. I think this starts the downhill battle and she is going to fight every step of the way. I hate that I am two hours away.

uh oh!

HRH Okie Banker, I know your struggle. Keeping you in my prayers, as I know you do for of me.

fungrandma, my experience has been that there may be a hairdresser on site and you can make arrangements to have your mother's hair done. Some will do nails and toenails too. Foot health is so important. It took me a few years of caring for my mother to realize that. As she got older and less flexible, she could no longer "reach" her toes. I've got her on weekly hair appointments and monthly mani-pedis. As to the frequent room changes, I'm surprised the home will do that, as it is so hard on them to experience change. There seems to be a rapid decline in their mental state at first, but then as they become more accustomed to the routine, they start to improve.

Peaceful thoughts to all who are caring for loves ones, whether as primary caregivers or observers. It is not easy, but having a place where you can let off steam or ask advice is very helpful.

After so many years, when the end came, it seemed so fast. My MIL died in April and my FIL died today. My husband has had a tough year.

I will say, staying in their own home turned out to be the better solution for them - I wouldn't have thought so at the beginning, but it was better for them. Esp for my FIL, who had dementia / loss of short term memory - being in the home where he'd lived for 40 years made his life more comfortable. They were fortunate enough to be able to do that; I know it's not a choice everyone can make.

So sorry for your family's losses this year EEGB. It is a blessing that they were able to remain in their home. I'm sure that made it so much easier for them to be in familiar surroundings.

I'm so sorry for your losses. Staying in their home is best for them - as long as it's safe and feasible. {{HUGS}}

Sorry for your loses this past year. Prayers are being sent to help your husband and family during these times.

Prayer for you and your family. My FIL and MIL are still living and in their late 80's. They want to stay in their house as long as they can and I wholeheartedly agree. My husband is an only child, but we will both do what it takes for that to happen.

Thanks, y'all, I know Mr EEGB appreciates it.

While this isn't really a 'caring for my parent' issue - finally 10 1/2 months after my father's death his plaque from the VA has been placed. Mom is relieved it's finally there.

Sunshine, I'm in the same boat as your hubby. Main reason why we relocated back to my hometown several years ago.

Looks like mom is going to need someone with her 24/7 for a short period of time. She can't be home by herself and is too 'strong' to qualify for inpatient rehab. My sister is talking to Home Instead. While it's pricey, it may be our best bet. Does anyone have any experience with them? I know it's a chain.

Thanks!

I don't but just want to stop in and say prayers are going up for y'all through this. There is some "There but for the grace of God....." in my heartfelt prayers. I'm not ready to do this long distance.

Thank you. She will probably be getting out of the hospital tomorrow and, hopefully, realizes that she can't be home by herself - at least for awhile. Then we may have someone come in to do light chores, help her bathe, etc. While she wants to do these things on her own the chance of falling (which is what she's been doing - BP was 80/40 when she stood up) while bathing is very high. Mom will be 92 next month.

Yes - I'm now 4 hours away when I used to be 2. Luckily all of my siblings are close by my mother. I feel guilty, but there's nothing I can do about the distance.

Mom was moved to an assisted living facility on Tuesday and started her rehab yesterday. She did get released last week - but was back at the hospital about 3 hours later. They think she may be there a week, but who knows for sure. She is fussing because my sister wants someone to come in daily to help her do things - bathe - cook for her, etc. She wants to be by herself. I'm taking off tomorrow to go up and see her.

Since I posted back in October, My MIL passed away January 2nd, very unexpected. She was 87 and we have had to put my FIL in a nursing home, and he is not happy about that, but he is 89 and cannot stay by himself, nor can we afford for him to have 24 hour around the clock care at home. He has only been there for 2 weeks and has called us about everything. I finally told my husband that he needs to talk to him and let me know that we are doing the best we can, but we have to work and cannot run to the nursing home every time he thinks he needs something or things are not going his way. He is at the nursing home to get the care he needs and all he has to do is ask them. My father had a second stroke and has been in the nursing home for about 3 years. Thank goodness they are in the same home and right next door to each other. My husband and I are both worn out but know we have to keep going. Hoping that my FIL will settle down after a while. My husband is not well himself, so we both pray we can stay strong enough to take care of his father and my father.

What are the chances of having your Father and your FIL in the same home? Actually that is pretty cool. The transition is so hard on everyone. Prayers for everyone going through this. Friend of mine is visiting her Mom on one side of town in Alzheimer's care and Dad living at home that cant see or hear on the other side of town and she lives an hour away from both of them. Talk about tired! I don't know what those do that don't have faith I really don't.

Skittles, I'm in a similar situation. My Mom is in a retirement community. At 95 she's still pretty sharp but her eyesight is pretty limited. The place she lives in can provide just about any support service you can think of, from a 15 minute-per-day "drop in" to round the clock care. But Mom doesn't want the help. Yet, there are simple things that cause her a lot of stress and energy. I don't know why she is so stubborn - there must be some deep-rooted ideas about competence and independence in conflict here, but her alternative is to go into a more restricted living situation - it seems like she would hate that more!

Mom passed a lot of blood on Thursday and her hemoglobin went down to 7.4. She was hospitalized and tests done - and the doctor said it is diverticulosis. She's going back tot he assisted living this morning. And then yesterday - my oldest brother had a full blow seizure - never had one before. And he refused to stay in the hospital. Is going to his cardiologist today to start the process.

Sunshine - I'm very sorry for what you're going through and hopefully your FIL will settle down soon. Maybe he'll make a new friend.

I'm sorry Skittles. I know this is a very stressful time for y'all. Take it one hour at a time.

Thanks - and I'm trying to. Very wild right now with the new job - living apart from my husband - and all of the family health issues.

Thoughts and prayers with you and your family Skittles. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Thanks Cracked!

I appreciate being able to just express myself about what some of us go thru on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones. Thanks everyone for the encouraging words in this forum. You never know how much they help.

I truly love reading all of the stories of care and dedication toward your parents in this conversation. It warms my heart to know that there is still this level of care and devotion in the world. I lost my mom seven years ago this coming April and my Dad just passed on January 11 (funeral was this past Saturday). For those reading this who may not have need to care for their parents in this manner yet, please make sure they know how much you love them and speak with them when you can. My brother and I were not able to get to the hospital to say goodbye to Dad before he passed (complications from quadruple bypass surgery). Please make sure you say whatever needs to be said to them while you still have the chance.

So sorry for your loss, Purple Pride.

My mom had diverticulosis. Cleared up nicely but she has to stay away from real popcorn (only puff corn) and seeds. She just turned 90 last week and is doing amazingly well. As I read some of your posts here, I'm only reminded how lucky I am to have her living with me and my daughter, the geriatric nurse. And my sister tells me regularly what a relief it is for her not to have to worry about Mom being alone, etc.

As for your brother's seizure, Skittles, I'm not sure what a cardiologist can do for him. He likely needs a neurologist unless it wasn't a seizure in the true sense of the word. Lots of things can provoke one from a neurological disorder to lack of sleep and stress. Hopefully he can get it diagnosed quickly and controlled by meds.

Sunshine Lady, hang in there. You should be having family counsel meetings with the staff at the nursing home for both of your fathers. Maybe they can schedule one that will include both the gentlemen at the same time. Talking it out and having your father there to reassure your fil may help more than anything you can say or do. My heart aches for your fil. To lose his wife and then his life as he knew it all in the last three weeks has to be extremely difficult and upsetting for him. And at 89, he's likely losing some hearing and cognitive abilities that affect his coping too. Take care of yourself and your husband and just be patient. Time will help him adjust.

Purple Pride very sorry for your loss.

Very sorry, Purple Pride. I know how hard that is when you miss that chance for a last goodbye.


And prayers for all the rest of you and your families.

So sorry, Purple Pride. Don't beat yourself up over not being able to be there.

Sorry to hear of all the issues and losses everyone has had.
It is hard to see our parents age. My mom went into the nursing home about 18 mo ago. She has early/mid Alzheimer's. Was getting too hard for my dad to take care of her. She has somewhat adjusted. The biggest issue is she won't leave her room unless my dad takes her. She doesn't partake in any activities or even go out for the meals. She is pretty much wheelchair bound do to inactivity.
My 91 y/o MIL broke her hip last year. She is back home, but I personally don't think she should be. My FIL is 93 and he more or less takes care of her. They both use walkers. I know they want to be in their own home, but they live in the country and worry about them, especially when the weather is bad. My husband and his siblings are still somewhat in denial that their folks need more help then they think. I try and express my concerns, but they are usually unheard.
I agree that this sight is a great way to express concerns and also get ideas, etc. from others.

I have diverticulosis, and have for many years. As long as I stay away from popcorn and seeds, I am good. I really only had one "flare up" after the original diagnosis, when I ate something with mustard seeds and didn't realize they were in there. It's a bummer when you can't eat fresh berries, etc, but they definitely aren't worth the pain. I was diagnosed in my 30's. Actually was initially diagnosed with a mass in my colon, due to my age. Spent 24 hours thinking I had colon cancer. Made the final diagnosis and the loss of eating popcorn, berries and seeds not all that hard to take. I hope the medication clears it up for her Skittles, and she does well.

It is such a worry when are parents age. I was a late in life child (surprise, as my mom would say). My parents said I kept them young, but a few times in their later years, they sure made me feel old. Ugh. Cherish all the moments, as unfortunately they become memories before you are ready. Thinking of all of you!

wow...this thread has been going for three years now. I'm rereading some of it and feeling thankful to all of you who have posted and continue to do so. My heart aches for those whose parents have passed over these years. Kudos to all of you here who care enough to share advice and support. And continued prayers for us all.

Fungrandma, my grandparents lived in the country and didn't want to leave their home even though they were in poor health. My mother, aunt, and I took turns spending the weekend with them buying groceries, taking care of bills, mowing the lawn, generally taking care of them. Home health care came during the week to clean house and cook for them along with a nurse once per week to check on them. We couldn't have managed to keep them at home without that service.

Mom spent 3 weeks in and out of the hospital and rehab and was able to go home a week ago last Friday with 24 hour care. This was going to be temporary until she was strong enough - and then we would only have them come a few hours a day to cook, clean, help her bathe, etc. Friday mom was hospitalized with critically low potassium and magnesium - and then contracted pneumonia. The pneumonia is improving; however her mineral levels are still low - and tests indicate she has a high probability of having a blood clot. They are going to do a test later today to check since the initial test didn't show one - just that she probably had one. When she's finally released it's back to rehab to regain her strength. Mom will be 92 in just over 2 weeks.

Ugh!

So sorry, Skittles.

Prayers for your mom, skittles. Hang in there and take care of yourself too.

Thanks. I live 4 hours away now so I don't see her; however I talk to her every day. She keeps saying she wants to go in her sleep. One of the shots they are giving her now (Coumadin) goes in her stomach. She doesn't feel good, can't get around by herself, and is a human pincushion. She is going back to rehab tomorrow so hopefully she'll get stronger and can go back home - and can start taking the pill form of Coumadin.

Hopefully she'll be feeling better and home soon.

It's been almost a year since we moved my mom into an assisted living facility. She didn't like the first one. Fortunately she gave up on the idea of moving back into an independent apartment and is now in a facility that she likes better.

We've been worried for several months about my 87 year old grandma driving. She's had little things like backing into another vehicle, forgetting to hit the brake, leaving the car running, etc., that have caused us to really want to forbid her from anymore driving. Knowing that this would take away a lot of her independence, we had not done that yet. However, yesterday, while on her way to the cemetery to visit grandpa's grave and take him some flowers for Valentine's Day, she ran a stop sign and t-boned another vehicle. Fortunately, the injuries to her and the other driver are not life threatening. Both vehicles were totaled and we will not be surprised if the authorities revoke her license.

We are so glad that she is okay (other than some bruising) but we told her if the authorities don't take her license, that we are making that decision as a family and she's no longer allowed to drive. She started to get emotional and asked if she can still drive to church and the grocery store. My mom told her no and that we (the family that lives in town) will take her everywhere she needs to go. Such a hard thing to do, but at this point, it's no longer an option. It could have been so much worse yesterday and we don't want to see that happen.

That is a very difficult thing to do, Busy; however your family made the right decision. That is one of the hardest things to do - tell a parent (or grandparent) that they are no longer allowed to drive.

It is AWFUL. I had to do this with my Aunt...it was heartbreaking and I felt like the meanest person on the planet at the time...but it had to be done...for her sake and everyone else out there.

I agree RR Joker, we had to do that with my FIL after her hit a lady who had just bought a brand new car. She had more than a few harsh words for him and it was a bad situation. The DPS actually took his licenses that day and we told him he would never get it back. Him being so stubborn he still tried to sneak and drive, so we had to take the keys to the cars because he could convince my MIL that he was okay to drive. The only way we knew that was one day I caught him creeping down the road and I followed him back home and that was the end of that.

The bit of silver in this grey cloud is that your grandmother's vehicle was totaled. So unless she's like Sunshine's FIL, what would she drive to church or the grocery store?

My mom is now 90 but when the time came for her to stop driving, we made sure to get her a state ID card to quell her fear that without a DL she wouldn't be able to cash checks, fly, etc. When we were waiting in line at the DMV to get the ID, she said, 'you know, maybe I should still get a license just in case you need me to drive sometime.' My response was 'there are five other drivers, Mom, so you don't have to worry about it. You've been chauffeur for the family for long enough.'

The only thing I recommend is that you ask your grandmother out often. She's used to going to the cemetery, church, etc. It will take all of the family to help her get used to not driving without feeling like a caged bird.

Luckily for us when my mother thought she couldn't drive any more (at age 90) she stopped on her own. She was too scared to get behind the wheel. Dad was a different story, although he stopped - he used to tell mom he thought he could still drive. Even drove one day when she was out with my sister - but mom caught him. I believe that was the last time he did drive.

I think where I fell short was the fact that my Aunt, my mother and I were the end of the line. There was no one else to drive and I worked [still do] all the time. My mom picked up the slack until she had no business behind the wheel, then I had a 'hired hand' who took up some slack and ended up with a nice car to boot in the end.

Lack of family makes all of the above that much harder...but you do what you have to. That's all you can do.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with taking away driving privileges! It is definitely a challenge but hopefully with her car totaled, it won't even be an option for her to drive since she doesn't have a vehicle anyway. My mom is able to do a lot of the running around for grandma and truly does the bulk of it. I typically will only have to if my mom is out of town or there's a scheduling conflict with grandma's appointments and my niece needing to be picked up at school. Mom is at grandma's house everyday to check on her too. We will be able to get her to where she needs to go but it's still hard to tell her that she's not allowed to drive.

We didn't tell Mom she wasn't allowed to drive. Mom had a similar accident and we had a family discussion about buying another car and everyone helped her come to the conclusion that it wasn't a good idea. Truly, it went much easier when she was given the room to gracefully acquiesce to not having a car which led to not renewing her license, etc.

My mom has never driven - in a city that doesn't do well with public transport. She's always relied on family, friends and neighbors. Because of her fear of not being able to get to a store she's now in the habit of buy/hoarding diapers, toilet paper and paper towels. We tease her about this habit of hers. Most of us agree that we would stock up on groceries!

I'm hoping this type of situation will be easier for my generation and the ones that come after because we know we can have anything we want or need delivered to our door with a couple of clicks (including toilet paper :D). My parents didn't understand that nor was it quite so easy even a few years ago. My mom had her license revoked when she had her stroke and my dad was able to drive himself around until he passed...he was 85. His driving days were numbered though. The winter before he passed, my dad was walking across the parking lot to get to his car to just "go for a drive" when he slipped and fell. This was in Minnesota...in January. Fortunately somebody came along not too long after he fell and helped him up. And did I mention we had just had an ice storm and nothing had been sanded yet. But he was going to "go for a drive". When he called and told my sister what happened (I think he thought he was going to get some sympathy), she told him that he needed to get his car keys together because she was coming over to get them and he was done driving. She was so mad...well, she was so scared because again, Minnesota, January...lots of ways the whole situation could have gone sideways because he wanted to go for a drive. Anyway, he called me as soon as he got off the phone with her and I got to his apartment before she did and we were able to work out a compromise. We laugh about it now but at the time, it was kind of painful, not only for him but us as well. No one wants their independence threatened nor their dignity taken away. We just wanted him, and the other people on the road, to be safe.

Fortunately, my grandma who got her license at age 69 (taught how to drive by yours truly), gave her license up pretty easily a couple of years ago. No major accidents (unless you count the one time before her driving exam where she plowed into the DMV with the car and created a drive through window where one didn't exist before) she was a pretty decent driver. Whole 'nother story.

But as a women with a penchant for card playing and beer, she had a hard and fast rule: one drink and she was ok to drive, two drinks she locked her keys in the car and would walk home. So luckily her places of need to visit were within close distance of her home, walking was just as easy for her. So a standard week was volunteer at the food pantry, then visit the tavern to play cards with her brothers. Volunteer at the old fogies at the nursing home (old fogies? seriously, she is older than half of the people in there), then to the tavern for drinks with the girls. Church and errands, then to the tavern... you see a pattern I assume. It was not unusual to see her car parked on main street in front of the tavern overnight 2-3 days at a time as she would walk down the next day to fetch the car, and lo and behold, someone to play cards with!

For her, it just became too much of a hassle to try to get the car home that it was just became easier to walk or hitch a ride with someone else to get where she needed to go. Small blessings.

My dad wouldn't go down to the senior center to play cards and such because they were all just a bunch of "old people"...snort...I had to point out that one of this daughters was most likely older than the people that hung out there. He wasn't convinced.

^^^this is the biggest issue that, imo, we must keep in mind as we deal with our aging parents. From the time we're born we're in a hurry to grow up and do all the things that grown-ups can do. Then we get to the age of our parents and we're told we have to go backwards and give up all this things one by one, and depend on others for those things we've long done for ourselves. It's a struggle for me to remember this all the time. I try hard to come up with other ways for Mom to 'help' the family and know how important she still is to all of us. It may just be sitting at the kitchen table cutting up veggies to 'help' with dinner but she beams at knowing that she's still needed.

sorry...didn't mean to go off topic.

Just Jay - your story made me smile.

Truffle - I totally agree. I try to imagine how hard it would be for me to give up driving. There would be absolutely no independence and that would be horrible.

We have an advantage in the city now with alternate sources of transportation, but I still don't like the idea of telling mom that she shouldn't drive. In her case, it may come down to a financial decision. Her insurance premiums went up considerably after 2 accidents in less than a year.

I agree with you on this! Last summer when we were getting ready for my son's graduation party at my house, we were doing a bunch of yard work and planting flowers. Grandma insisted on coming up to help. I had to get creative in ways she could help but not get hurt. She loves to plant flowers so I was able to give her a little stool to sit on and plant the flower pots. It kept her from stumbling or tripping while the rest of us laid bark and did other things around the yard. Another day she came up and I set up the card table in the shade and had her sit there and wrap up the utensils in napkins. Such a simple job but I told her how much it helped me out and so knowing that, she was able to get that done and feel useful.

So so important to make them feel like they are still needed and useful while making sure that they don't get injured in some way! When grandma gets tired, she starts to stumble and makes us pretty nervous. She has a hard time lifting her legs up so she trips easily. Plus the sun will drain her energy so we had to make sure she wasn't in the direct sunlight.

Introduce her to the wonders of Amazon Prime Pantry!! Or Subscribe & Save!

Almost every grocery store around here now has free delivery of online orders. Or they'll have them ready at the door for someone to pick up. My 90 year old mom has learned to use a cell phone and a tablet so it's doable if you have the patience to get your parent's confidence up and make them realize it's not really going to blow up on them.

Some thing that anyone 60 or younger does not have to worry about is driving. Self driving cars are here, and will be as common as automatic transmissions in pickup trucks in three to five years. No skill involved.

Dad gave up his license and independence when he thought he had a mild stroke while driving. It was very hard for him. A self driving car would have meant the world, but he passed 18 years too early.

We still don't have many delivery services available here in the swamp. But I'm thinking, after reading all of this, I need to be making extra sets of keys for my tractor...just in case !

Self driving cars just seem so impossible to me....still...even in a few years.

But now JJ's mom...I think she and I could be very good friends! !

Grandma...that is~!

My nephew went by Nana's to try and mooch some lunch off her but going on to college classes but she wasn't feeling well enough to put something together for him. She did make a miraculous recovery. though, when he agreed to take her out for lunch at her favorite local buffet instead. He said she was running through the house getting her jacket and shoes on.....

I like your nephew...

That's great that your nephew did that! You know it probably made her entire week!

I had to recently forbid my husband from driving. He hasn't been well in a while now and after his last serious fall was very feeble. Even before that, I was scared to death as a passenger. He had a very "heavy foot" and would have knee jerk reactions to other drivers. After he came out of rehab for whatever it was that affected him, I had him evaluated by a "driving therapist". I didn't know something like that existed but they d0. Its a form of physical therapy. She preformed a bunch of tests, both on paper and with a simulator to test his cognitive and reflexive abilities and came to the conclusion that he should not drive. She gave a report to me and to his primary doctor. My husband was devastated (and even though I knew what the result was going to be I was still devastated for him). Since neither of my grown sons drive, I am now the only driver and I didn't really know how rough this was going to be. But I cannot let him drive and when he gives me a hard time I remind him that he could seriously hurt someone else. That usually gets him under control. My younger son started taking lessons and just got his license but is afraid to start driving,. My husband still believes he can drive and I am very happy to have an independent source to say that he can't. The DMV is not made aware of the test results however.

Oh boy EllenA - that just stinks. Perhaps your husband would/could be the passenger driver of younger son during "practice" in safe areas. That would give him some practice and you another driver and your husband something to focus on as a "trainer". Good luck. Another driver would be great.

My mother is not doing well. She has been in and out of the hospital and in and out of a rehab/nursing home facility. They determined she had a heart attack last week and we almost lost her Friday night. My sister and brother (I now live 4 hours away) stayed with her and she was better on Saturday. They may move her back to the nursing home facility tomorrow; however her mind is messed up. She is seeing things and believes them to be real. She was diagnosed with a UTI last week which can mess up the elderly; however they say the antibiotics she is on for her double pneumonia (yes - she has that, too) should clear that up. Very scary times right now.

So sorry, Skittles. It's tough to be so far away at times like this.

Prayers for you and your family.

Oh Skittles, it has to be so hard to have your mom failing with you so far away.
Prayers for her and ((hugs)) for you.
Take care.

Thanks - it's been a really rough 24 hours. And my husband is trying to hold down the fort, pack, discard, get renovation quotes, work full time, etc.,

Skittles, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My thoughts are with you.

I was just thinking, Skittles, you are having a *terrible* week. I'm so sorry.

Yes - and mom has taken another turn for the worse (oxygen level dropped and more fluid in her lungs). I'm taking off on Friday and going up to see her.

Thank you for all of the good thoughts and prayers. They are MUCH appreciated.

Skittles... what a week for you... and during a trying time anyway! Prayers being sent from Michigan.

Oh boy you have about had it. Prayers for your whole family. I am far from my parents as well, it's tough. I am glad your siblings are close. I wish you safe travels to visit and hope your mom feels better or at the very least stabilizes somewhat.

For those who may not already know, Skittles mom passed this weekend.
I know she would be very grateful for any prayers during this difficult time.

Prayers to Skittles and her family. So sorry to hear about this.

Warm thoughts and prayers to Skittles and her family during this difficult time.

Skittles, so sorry for your loss!

Praying for strength and comfort for Skittles and her family.

Thinking of Skittles and family in their loss.

Thoughts and prayers for Skittles and the family. So sorry to hear this. Prayers that memories will help her through this difficult time.

Skittles, so sorry. You have been through a lot recently. Prayers and thoughts are with you. One poem that I have on my desk -

Footprints.
https://www.onlythebible.com/Poems/Footprints-in-the-Sand-Poem.html

So very sorry for your loss Skittles. My deepest condolences to you and your family. Prayers for all...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Skittles. You've been through a rough time lately.

I am so sorry for your loss, Skittles . ((((HUGS))))

Oh Skittles, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way during these difficult times.

So sorry for your loss Skittles.

Skittles, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thank you all - and thanks to Cracked Egg.

With the help of Hosparus and my sister and younger brother she was able to pass at home - in her sleep - exactly what she wanted. She had the opportunity to go out with the majority of her family for her 92nd birthday in late February. She is no longer in pain and is with dad now.

((( Skittles )))

Skittles, so sorry for all you've lost recently. Prayers and ((hugs))

Skittles,

So sorry for your loss, but glad your mom isn't suffering anymore. She will always be with you.

Thanks - and you're right; however losing both parents in less than 16 months has bee very hard. I was able to spend about 4 hours with her the day before she passed and she knew who I was - and was coherent about 50% of the time. The original thought was that she would be with us for about 2 more weeks, but it turned out to be less than 24 hours. Yesterday would have been their wedding anniversary.

That is so heartbreaking to hear Skittles. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for your comfort and strength during this hard time.

So glad you were able to get there and be with her though. As hard as it is to be there when they take their last breath (have done with my parents and in-laws, I would have felt bad to not be there. Continued thoughts and prayers as you deal with your loss and hoping that your memories can bring a smile now and then (and there will be tears as well as smells and different things remind you of her and your dad. ((hugs))

We've been through the ringer with my folks over the last few months and it's not done yet. My Dad passed in December and we had to move Mom to memory care. At the time we moved her, she was quite forgetful, but she still could carry on a semi-normal conversation. In the 5 months she's been in memory care, her cognition is on the rapid decline. We all feel horrible about it, not sure if it would have happened anyway or if being in the facility sped things along.

I live about 2 hours away from her and I've been visiting every other Sunday and calling every night. Last night she told me she was in a hostage situation (she's funny sometimes and always has a story when I call). The poor PA (personal assistant) was in her room about 8 p.m. trying to get Mom to put her PJ's on. My Mom hates being on a schedule like this..and I feel bad for her. But we understand the facility has 21 memory impaired seniors and getting them to bed is something they start pretty much right after dinner. My brother tried keeping her at his home, but Mom is incontinent at times and that is a big mess on a fairly regular basis and the camel/straw was when she fell in her room and decided she didn't want to wake anyone so she laid on the floor all night. My brother ran for the hills and I do not blame him.

DD, although you feel bad, it's probably the safest place for her. My dad had no memory issues, but sometimes got involved in something else. We had to get rid of our toaster oven for fear he would put some bread in there, then walk off and leave it. Inlaws one would take double meds, other forget to take any.

It's not the same love they would get at home, but the care is probably similar.

Daisy - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar, although neither one of my parents was in memory care. You are doing the right thing. This is the best and safest place for her. I know my mom appreciated my daily phone calls since I was 4 hours away.

{{HUGS}}

When my folks left their long term primary residence for a very nice retirement place (that they had elected 10 years earlier and paid their money down), my father had dementia, but none of us realized how far along it was until he was left the home. The years of routine helped him daily. When the postman came he knew it was time for lunch. When certain shows came on it was time for whatever, but the doctor explain he was not any worse - it was just all he used to help him was gone in the new place. No one can take care of someone 24 hours - being in a facility that has staff to provide care for your loved one is the safer choice. Unlikely the facility caused it to move along, it is just that time of life and it is so hard for the loved ones that are trying to deal with this situation. We elected to have my father go to adult day care center. It kept him active and improved the quality of his life so much. Otherwise they are in a chair slumped over snoozing & drooling. Hated to see my father there the first day, but in no time we all noticed the difference - he was much more alert and active. Weekends were hard because he wanted to be at the day care, but it was just M-F service. My heart goes out to all dealing with elderly parents. Only thing worse is if you have teenagers at the same time!!!

This tread gives me comfort. After my MIL passed in January, we put my FIL in a care facility. He moved from a large house to sharing a room with another person, so he has had quite an adjustment, but he needs 24/7 care that neither myself or his only child my husband can give. Sometimes, he still gives us the "blues" and I have had to step away because I am also have my father in the same nursing home and my husband has a chronic illness, so I have to take care of my sanity. Dealing with elderly parents and in laws requires a lot of patience and understanding. Wish everyone the best.

I need to get safety equipment installed at my mother's bathtub. Has anyone done this before? The bar(s) for getting in and out of the tub plus the bar on the wall for helping in getting up and down in the tub. Any help/comments would be appreciated.

We got a transfer chair for my parents that fits over the tub. They sit on it and slide across into the tub - no need to stand. Worked really well.

If you or someone you know is a do-it-yourselfer, they have all these things at places like Lowe's. There's plenty of advice online about the best heights and angles to install them at.

You might also see if you could hire a handiman who has done this. Then you could purchase the things you need and have the handiman install it.

As a resource, I suggest you try the any Home Health type facility your insurance or your mom's may have. You might also reach out to the county Senior Care for references on who does this type of installation.

I don't know if you know about nextdoor.com which is a website that is for neighborhoods. The one for my neighborhood is a fabulous place to ask for referrals and references. Mine has been a life saver a couple times for us. If there's one for your neighborhood or your mom's, I suggest you join it. Then when Mom needs help, etc., you can ask for it there too. I've found that lots of neighbors would love to help but they often don't even know a need exists.

Good luck, Okie.

All good info. Thank you! I will check into "nextdoor.com" right now.

We had hired a company that cut a section out of the side of my father in law's tub to minimize the step over as balance was a problem for him. As others mentioned, we installed several grab bars for additional support.