Separation

Posted By: #ONENANA

Separation - 03/01/16 10:16 PM

My husband of 16 years walked out on me two and a half weeks ago. Any advice would be appreciated. I've lost over ten pounds and walk around like I'm in a daze. It all came as a total shock. I had no idea.
Posted By: Skittles

Re: Separation - 03/01/16 10:20 PM

I'm so sorry, ONENANA. That's awful. I don't have any advice, but I can give you {{HUGS}}.
Posted By: CULady

Re: Separation - 03/01/16 10:21 PM

Oh no! I am so sorry... You will get through this. You will get through this and you will come out much stronger. I'm afraid I don't have any other advice other than keep your chin up and get through it all one day at a time. {{{HUGS}}
Posted By: MyBrainHurts

Re: Separation - 03/01/16 10:35 PM

Change the locks before he changes his mind.
Make a good financial inventory and a financial plan for going forward.
Find a lawyer.

Put on Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and sing at the top of your lungs while dancing around the house.
Posted By: Busy Bee, CRCM

Re: Separation - 03/01/16 10:44 PM

Very sorry to hear this! I will be praying for you and your family.

Perhaps look into whether or not your area has a mediation specialist. They may be able to offer some assistance. For your own well-being, you may consider some sort of counseling, whether it's through a clergyperson you are familiar with or a licensed therapist. They'd be helpful in sorting through your feelings.

Sending virtual hugs your way!
Posted By: DD Regs

Re: Separation - 03/02/16 01:39 PM

I will play the song "Pray For You", it is what I suggest you do, pray for him. smirk

Haven’t been in church since
I don’t remember when
Things were going great
‘Til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher
As he told me what to do
Said you can’t go hating others
who done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry
But we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do his job
And you just pray for them

I pray your brakes go out
Running down a hill
I pray and flower pot falls
From a window sill
And knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray your flying high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are
Honey, I pray for you

Really glad I found my way to church
Cause I’m already feeling better and I thank God for the words
So I’m gonna take the high road
And do what the preacher told me to do
You keep messing up
And I’ll keep praying for you

I pray your tire blows out at 110
I pray you pass out with your best friend
And wake up with his and her tattoos

Wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car
Wherever you are honey, I pray for you.
Posted By: CompliantOkie

Re: Separation - 03/02/16 04:05 PM

I'm very sorry to hear this! Sending you prayers and hugs from OK.

Ditto MBH's advice! My mother in law just went through this when my father in law filed for divorced after 28 years of marriage. She's struggling to regain her footing but I know she'll get there soon and you will too. Stay strong and look out for your interests first!
Posted By: #ONENANA

Re: Separation - 03/02/16 04:06 PM

Thanks for all the {{hugs}} and for a couple of smiles that were sorely needed.
Posted By: #ONENANA

Re: Separation - 03/02/16 04:09 PM

I saw the commercial for Our Time.com and thought dang three years to go. I will probably need that much time anyways to feel like being with someone else.
Posted By: BowlingQueen

Re: Separation - 03/02/16 04:13 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can relate, and the one thing I had to learn is that it was him and not me. It took a little while, but it does get easier. Love yourself and, as others suggested, don't be afraid or ashamed to go talk with a professional.

{{{HUGS}}}
Posted By: Truffle Royale

Re: Separation - 03/02/16 04:20 PM

Find support - not just relatives and friends commiserating but support from people who have lived through this. You'll need their strength and insight.
Decide if you want to reconcile or be done with it. The tide will ebb and flow as you go forward and you don't want to be the bobber responding to his waves. You need to find the strength to stand up for what YOU want going forward.
Guard yourself physically and financially asap. That means talking to a lawyer immediately and getting guidance on what you need to do to make sure he doesn't take everything with him.

Many prayers and gentle ((hugs)).
Posted By: TINKerBell

Re: Separation - 03/03/16 12:58 PM

^^^what Truff said^^^

Especially the financial part. You need to protect yourself.

((((hugs))) and prayers for strength.
Posted By: waldensouth

Re: Separation - 03/03/16 03:21 PM

{{{{HUGS}}}}
Posted By: Buddy the Elf

Re: Separation - 03/04/16 04:17 PM

I don't have any advice to offer but wanted to say that I'm so sorry this happened and to offer virtual hugs as many others have. (HUG)
Posted By: basilring

Re: Separation - 03/07/16 02:34 PM

How awful of him! It may not seem like it now, but this will make you stronger. He didn't deserve you, obviously. I echo things said above about finding a support group, even if unofficial. Sending hugs and saying prayers and sending strength to get through the next few weeks and the hard moments.
Posted By: Quadspapa

Re: Separation - 03/07/16 04:59 PM

Sorry to hear this. Hugs and prayers from Texas.
The good Lord will help get you through, along with a lawyer, your family, and good friends, .
Posted By: Heather301, CRCM

Re: Separation - 03/14/16 09:25 PM

I just went through a divorce last year after 19 years of marriage. It is very hard but don't get lost in the fog like I did. Take care of yourself first and foremost especially if you have kids that depend on you. Talk to a divorce attorney just in case you will need one. They will tell you what types of financial information you need to start gathering. Make sure he doesn't clean out your bank accounts, if they are joint accounts he can do that. Once you are secured financially, make sure you take care of your physical and emotional needs. Talk to a counselor or someone at church if you have someone you can trust. Start exercising - it will do two things - make you feel better and increase your stamina. Start out with walking or go to a yoga class. You will need this to manage your stress and keep you from getting sick. Emotional stress can take a toll on your health if you don't find a healthy way to redirect your anger. Take a kickboxing class - this is really therapeutic. Try to eat right and get plenty of sleep. I didn't do any of these things at first because I was in shock and did good to get dressed and go to work every day. I really wish someone had told me these things because it would have been easier to cope with the issues as they came up. I hope these tips help you and I wish you the very best! There is life after divorce, I'm living proof that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Prayers for you and your family!
Posted By: #ONENANA

Re: Separation - 03/15/16 06:47 PM

Thank you so much. By the way I'm Heather too. I know what you mean about functioning. Thank goodness my kids are grown because it's hard to take care of myself right now. I closed out our joint account because after he left he took out 500.00. That was our household bill money. Needless to say he took it drove to Nebraska picked up his girlfriend from 30+ years ago brought her back and they moved in with my pregnant daughter and her family. Trying to work out a solution for my husband to be able to keep the house and buy me out because our 19 year old lives there off and on and I have plans in the works for when it's done. He can't seem to understand that half is fair and keeps offering these ridiculous amounts. What's really sad is my kids think I am being unreasonable. My oldest because she is ready to have her house back and my youngest because she wants to know what she's going to do if the house sells. She left home when she was 17 and was gone for a year and a half. We saw her of course so basically the house is just a storage unit to her anyways.
Posted By: thomasj

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 12:52 PM

You need a lawyer ASAP. I've heard tales of couples who divorce and everything is amicable and there are no disputes over anything but in my experience, you need someone who will answer your questions and guide you through the next steps. Most attorneys will offer a free consultation where they will answer your questions and give you guidance - it gets costly after that, but not having counsel could prove even more costly.

By the way, assets are not usually divided up 50-50 at least in my state. Unless your incomes were equal for the greater part of the marriage, the person who eared less actually ends up with greater than 50% of the assets. If you made considerably more than your husband, he may get 60% or more. Alimony for the lower earning spouse is also a possibility (of course if there were marital misconduct such as infidelity, abuse, etc - the offending spouse will have a difficult time getting alimony).

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know the feeling you have right now. I remember waking up every morning and relishing the first few seconds before the reality of my situation hit me. Believe me, there is life after divorce and it can be much better than you ever dare imagine. Good luck to you!
Posted By: Potens

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 02:59 PM

One piece of advice that I can give is to keep yourself happy. Do little things that you want to do, things that gives you - Heather - happiness. It may sound silly or trivial but very powerful in gaining back mind strength and power. You can come out of this more stronger as other people have suggested. Good Luck to you!
Posted By: #ONENANA

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 03:24 PM

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to give me advice and encouragement. I do have a lawyer and she has answered a lot of my questions. I'm trying to figure out a way we can both come out of this "happy." I don't have a problem with him keeping the property but I don't want to walk away feeling cheated either.
Posted By: thomasj

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 05:09 PM

Another unfortunate reality is that if you have saved for retirement and your soon to be ex has not, your retirement savings will likely be thrown in with marital assets and divided accordingly. If that's the case, your buyout from the property may very well be that you get to keep more of your retirement fund. At least that is the case in my state.
Posted By: Truffle Royale

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 06:25 PM

A strong word of caution based on my own experience: Don't let your kids weigh in on this or influence you with comments about your unreasonableness, etc. You're not obligated to stay in the maternal, peace-maker, find solutions so everyone stays happy mode. Your kids are adults who can fend for themselves. You need to focus on your future and your happiness, not anyone else's.
Posted By: #ONENANA

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 06:59 PM

Retirement plan isn't an issue because we (yes I know stupid) cashed that out to buy this property eight years ago. I really try not to let the kids influence my thinking but it's hard. I understand they want Daddy to be happy but I feel like they are not really too concerned with what I'm going through. Of course I've been trying to keep the kids out of it but he is telling them everything that we discuss. That's why they think I'm being unreasonable because he's telling them he's made an offer and I turned it down. I could sell our tractor for more than he offered!
Posted By: thomasj

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 07:47 PM

If I can offer a piece of advice from my personal experience it would be to take the high road, but protect yourself. In my situation, the kids were much younger (14 and 6) but their mother played the same sort of games. She would cry on their shoulder and run me down for defending myself legally. When I shut off one of my credit cards that she was going wild with after we decided to split, she sent my 6 year old son in to hand it to me. He said "Mom told me to give you this and then she said the 'F' word" shocked

I refused to involve them in the details of the divorce and though I could have very easily told them some of the horrible things that their mother had done - I never did and never will. As time went on, I think they respected the fact that I never talked bad about their mother to them. That's not to say that I completely rolled over and signed everything over. Those things went through the lawyers as I refused to discuss them with my now ex-wife in front of the kids, which was the only way she wanted to talk about it.

Your situation is different in that you have adult children who understand more. That may be an advantage because they may have more comprehension if you have the chance to explain it to them.
Posted By: HappyGilmore

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 07:54 PM

TJ - my parents divorced when I was 10, 4 kids, lived with my dad (in the mid-70s this was almost unheard of, everyone just lived with mom when divorced)...I have never heard my dad utter one negative word about my mom since that point...mom, on the other hand, did nothing but speak negative and make fun of him when we were around (infrequently that we saw her), that is very uncomfortable for a kid to hear. As an adult, I look back on that and think how hard that must have been for my dad, but I hold him in much higher esteem than my mom.

You should be commended for doing the right thing, and you are correct, at some point it will click with your kids, and whether they mention it to you or not, they will have greater respect for you.
Posted By: madukes

Re: Separation - 03/16/16 08:38 PM

My son wasn't married but had a similar situation with my granddaughter's mother (and other grandmother). They constantly trashed us to my granddaughter starting at a very young age. It was shared custody so when my granddaughter was at our house we heard all the things they were saying about us. The hardest and right thing to do was - we kept our mouths shut. Never shot back about druggie mom or welfare cheat grandmom or how they were verbally and physically abusive to each other. When she got older my granddaughter elected to live with us - would only go over their house once in a while to see her half siblings. She got tired of seeing her mom do nothing but sit around and do drugs - not to mention the loser boyfriends that she had around her. Her mother died of a drug overdose at the ripe old age of 29 - the day after Thanksgiving (3 years this year). My granddaughter goes over more now to see her siblings than she did when her mother was alive - she tried to avoid her mother. My son doesn't let her sleep over the grandmother's house - grandmom is still a nutjob and don't trust her with my granddaughter's wellbeing.

Onenna, I pray everything works out for you. Stay strong and tell your children that the situation is between you and their father and does not concern them and frankly you are a little disappointed in their loyalty being that dad left you - not the other way around!
Posted By: Truffle Royale

Re: Separation - 03/17/16 03:57 PM


Quote:
Originally Posted By madukes

Onenna, I pray everything works out for you. Stay strong and tell your children that the situation is between you and their father and does not concern them and frankly you are a little disappointed in their loyalty being that dad left you - not the other way around!


ditto this.
Then take the high road and don't discuss it with them anymore.
Even as adults, they shouldn't be put in the position of choosing sides.
Posted By: CompliantOkie

Re: Separation - 03/17/16 06:18 PM

Originally Posted By Truffle Royale

Quote:
Originally Posted By madukes

Onenna, I pray everything works out for you. Stay strong and tell your children that the situation is between you and their father and does not concern them and frankly you are a little disappointed in their loyalty being that dad left you - not the other way around!


ditto this.
Then take the high road and don't discuss it with them anymore.
Even as adults, they shouldn't be put in the position of choosing sides.
Ditto madukes and Truff. Both my husband's parents continue to try to put him in the middle of their dispute. We've had to tell both we will not discuss the matter any further. It's too painful for a child to have to choose a side not to mention it's not fair to the other parent.

Good luck onenana! I hope you're doing well. Continued hugs and prayers.
Posted By: YosemiteSamIAm

Re: Separation - 03/17/16 06:18 PM

#ONENANA, prayers for you, and some unconventional advice...remain objective regarding how the two of you arrived at this point...everyone has a back story, him included. My wife and I are currently counseling some friends (primarily the wife), and through the process, she is realizing that there were ways in which she was unconsciously pushing her husband away (putting animals, kids, etc. in front of his needs, not that he was not also ignoring her needs). Point being (don't know if it even applies to you, this advice is more general in nature), the world tells everyone these days to watch out for number one...so, if we all do this, then doesn't that mean we are constantly putting our needs over others, and, if so, how are they supposed to feel. A truly committed relationship requires self-sacrifice, and that commodity is in extremely short supply these days. A society in which the needs of the one constantly outweigh the needs of any others will unravel over time, which is precisely what we are seeing today in America on multiple fronts. So, while he may have made the first and most egregious step in leaving, don't automatically assume that you have to go into defensive mode...keep the door open and perhaps you will find that there are paths that will lead you back to each other...this from a man who is blessed with a marital relationship that requires us to be self-sacrificial as a reflection of the sacrifice that our mutual Savior made for each of us.
Posted By: MyBrainHurts

Re: Separation - 03/17/16 07:09 PM

Well put, Sam It took me a long time and some heartache to learn that, but thankfully we're still together after nearly 37 years.
Posted By: thomasj

Re: Separation - 03/17/16 08:11 PM

I agree, in marriage you sacrifice for each other and put one another's needs ahead of your own; however, in divorce you need to watch out for yourself since your soon to be ex has made his intentions to watch out for himself and put himself first pretty clear.

I'm not sure if it has been mentioned before, but you should reach out to someone - a professional counselor - to talk about your personal feelings. It will help.
Posted By: #ONENANA

Re: Separation - 03/18/16 05:46 PM

That is truly a great accomplishment mbh. My parents just celebrated 58 years. Thanks again to all for the support and kind words.
Posted By: Happy Drugs

Re: Separation - 03/18/16 07:10 PM

It has been 38 years since my husband walked out on me and our 2 year old son. I thought my world had ended, lost 40 pounds (which I needed to), and it hurt that it was for someone else, who I must say was not near as gorgeous as i was.

Somehow, someway we got through it, I found a stronger me, certainly happier, got the house we were building at the time.

I got to a point where I even felt sorry for him. The last 34 years has taught me that what I went through brought me to this point today, I found my husband. He adopted my son and we had one together.

Since your kids are grown, start taking dance lessons, pick up a hobby and go to some classes, find some female and male friends to go out with to eat or the movies. Your life may be in turmoil right now, but Baby it isn't over by a long shot.

Love is better the second time around!
Posted By: CompliantOkie

Re: Separation - 03/21/16 02:42 PM

Spent the weekend with my mother-in-law. I have to say just a few short months since the divorce was filed and finalized, she looked and felt great. Of course, she has some sadness and a lot of anger but she's really turning the corner and looking forward to her new life. She's enjoying being on her own and spending time with her friends and family. It was nice to see her settling in.

Hope you too will find some peace and joy in your new life onenana!!
Posted By: #ONENANA

Re: Separation - 03/22/16 08:50 PM

Thanks everyone!! I got served my divorce papers yesterday here at work. I made sure to let the girls I work with what was going on so it wouldn't be embarrassing. I was afraid I would lose it because I knew they were coming but I held on and kept the tears in check. It seems easier every day not to cry. I will be seeing my lawyer tomorrow and see where we go from here. I'm just hoping it doesn't get ugly. On a lighter note, I have a unique last name and a customer commented " That is an unusual last name you have." before I even thought about it I replied " Not for long."
Posted By: Retired DQ

Re: Separation - 03/28/16 03:24 PM

That was pretty shabby of him to have you served at work. DB.
Posted By: #ONENANA

Re: Separation - 03/28/16 08:11 PM

Well I'm working two jobs now so unless they came to my house at 9:30 pm there really wasn't any other time I could get them. He said I could go pick them up but his lawyer is around an hour away. I spent the weekend with my parents. They flew in from Florida to give me some much needed family support. We had a wonderful weekend but it was hard saying goodbye this morning. I'm just getting antsy for the next step.