I just need to say it

My mother passed away on Tuesday,April 15, 2003 from complications resulting after the surgery for colon cancer. Since that time I have been tormented over thoughts of the last day of her life. I know that this is not healthy and I should let go...but somehow I just can't seem to do it. I thought that talking to a priest would afford some comfort and in a way, I guess it did...but...I still can't shake the feeling of guilt.

Mom was in the hospital for 6 weeks. I did what I could to comfort her. I was there 3 or 4 times a day on most days. I'd go in the morning before work, during lunch, after I got off of work and then most of the time again after I prepared dinner for my family and cleared the dishes. During the 6 weeks, there were times when she was very alert, sitting up in a chair, feeding herself, watching the news. There were other times when she was unaware of her surroundings. She told me about people that had come to visit her...(most were already dead...and had been dead for years). She told me about her visits to other "apartments"....and that they were too fancy for her to live in. (ICU, I was told by the nurses,makes you see and do strange things). She was in ICU on and off during those 6 weeks....that should have told me something.... I knew that she could die...in fact there were times when I would tell my sister that I didn't think she would make it, but I think that saying it and "really" believing it is two different things.

During the last couple of weeks, she was sleeping a lot. In fact, at times I could not wake her up. When I questioned the doctor, he told me that he didn't know why she was sleeping so much. I personally felt and asked him if it was that perhaps she had a stroke).... He said that the scans didn't reveal anything unusual.

On the final Sunday, I, along with my sister, her children, grandchildren and husband were in her room. We had to keep waking her up. She didn't speak that day, I don't think that she could. She did know that everyone was there.

On Monday morning, she was struggling to breath. The nurse came into the room to lower the speed of the flow from IV fluid that she was receiving. That seemed to help. I spoke to her doctor again, because she was still sleeping a great deal. He said he discontinued some of her medication and that was the only thing that he could think of that "might" be making her sleepy. He told me that she was doing well,and if the sleepiness didn't correct itself by the end of the week, he was going to transfer her to a larger city.

After he left, I told her what he said. She just shrugged her shoulders. I know that she understood what I was saying. Then I left for work. When I returned at noon she was sleeping, so I didn't wake her. That afternoon after work, I went to see her. For the first time in 3 weeks she was very alert. She was awake and I told her how good it was to see her eyes. She smiled. She then asked me for water. (She could not swallow anymore, so I could give it to her). When I told her that I couldn't give it to her, she became a little angry and asked why not. I told her that because she was having some difficulty swallowing, she might choke. I then got a nurse who explained that the next morning they were planning to do some type of scan to see if the therapy was helping and perhaps she could have water then. She told me I had already given her some that morning..(That wasn't so). She asked to be turned in the bed. The nurse and I did so. When I went around the side of the bed to face her, she took my hand and clutched it to her chest. She appeared to be studying my face. Thinking back on that moment, it was as though she was trying to remember what I looked like. I told her that I knew that the entire ordeal had been hard on her, but that she was doing really well. She was going through a little set back. I told her that the doctor said that was normal, (which of course was not true). Again she asked for water and I told her that I couldn't give it to her. I told her that I would be back later that night. She nodded her head and closed her eyes. I left.

After dinner, I told my husband that I was tired and I just didn't want to have to tell her again that she could not have water. I didn't go back to the hospital. I received a call at 1:05 am that she was not doing well and perhaps I should come to the hospital. I did and walked into the room. Of course they were aggressively working on her and hurried me out of the room. Minutes later the doctor told me that she had a very faint heartbeat and then later he came out again saying that she had passed away.

My guilt.....(1) that we didn't ask a priest to give her the Last Sacrements... My sister and I discussed it but were afraid that she would become afraid. (2) That I didn't go back that evening. I was later told that at 7:00 PM she looked terrible. Maybe if I had been there......(3) That I didn't get her to a larger city. Perhaps they could have done more for her.

Thanks for the shoulder.

It sounds as though you did everything you possibly could. I'm sure the guilt must be terrible, but for your sake and your family's you need to let it go. I am a mother and I know that I would hold no ill-will toward my son if in this same situation. I'm sure your mother doesn't either.

It does sound like you did everything you could for her. Full blown colon cancer is a tragic disease, I don't even think a large hospital could have done more. Let the guilt go, and just remember that you loved each other.

I have been through a lot of the things you described. Please believe me when I tell you that you will heal. Don't beat yourself up about what you might have done differently. Remember the old saying--"Hindsight is 20/20." Don't forget that you have a family that loves you.

My mother also passed away as a result of colon cancer. I understand what you are going through. It has been nearly 5 years and I still think about it and wish that there were things I had done differently. You always think there was something more you could have done, or more questions you could have asked, or had been more insistent with the doctors. But, in the end, I do believe that as difficult and even horrible some of it is, it all happens exactly the way it was intended to happen.

You did what you thought was right and that is the main thing. Try not to dwell on the "should haves". Treasure all the wonderful memories that you have. Your mom knows how much you love her, and your thoughts of her last day don't diminish that.

Believe me, I know how easy it is to say these words, and how difficult it is to believe them. But do try. Don't let a lifetime of wonderful memories of your mom be marred by feelings of guilt over her last days. Be happy that your mom is free of the suffering she was enduring.

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And let me take this opportunity to say that everyone over the age of 50 should be screened regularly for colon cancer. If caught early it is very curable.

Take comfort in that you loved your mother and did everything within your power to help her feel comfortable and loved during her hospital stay.

I lost my mother on the 4th of July last year. I live almost 7 hours form where she was. I was only able to visit on weekends. She was to get out the hospital on 7/7. I arranged to take that week to stay with her. My ex-wife’s family was having a reunion at a lake only about 30 minutes from where my mother was. Long story short my oldest grandson had his last little league ball game the night the rest of them left to go to the reunion. I said no problem, I have to come that way anyway so I’ll bring him and drop him off on my way over to see mother. Instead of leaving right away I hung around, ate and chatted with the family. As I said I was only about 3O minutes from the hospital. I had been there about 2 hours when my brother phoned and told me Mom had a massive heart attack and passed away. He also was not there; he was at home with his family and had planned on meeting me at the hospital later in the day.

I have taken some comfort that for some reason God did not mean for me and my brother to see our mother suffer in her last moments.

I am not a deeply religious man and rarely attend church, but I do hold a firm belief in God and he has watched over me (sometimes I wonder why but he does). Take comfort in your memories, your family and most of all in God. I will prayer for your comfort.

I, too, have been in a very similar circumstance. I take my comfort from knowing that my daddy doesn't suffer any more. That is my saving grace. You were obviously a very devoted child and any mother would have been proud to have a child like you. You sacrificed much to be with her all thru that time...we should all be that blessed.

i understand your pain, my dad died 8 years ago due to a series of heart attacks, i was home on spring break (i was a freshman in college), he stayed home sick from work, which he never did, but i went about my day... he didn't seem that sick. I came home that afternoon and decided to lay down for a nap... by the time my mom got home, he said he couldn't see her anymore, when the ambulance got there he barely had a pulse... he died a few hours later in surgery. i still have a hole in me that will never go away, and i think everyday what if i had payed better attention, what if i didn't take that nap. I still haven't reached a point where i understand or have completely forgiven my self, or to be honest God either, i love the Lord, but it doesn't mean i'm not mad. So i know how you feel, but as of last rites, i've only been catholic for a few years (RCIA), but i would believe that God understands when things happen and rites can't be given. i would assure yourself of her place with God. If he is the God we believe him to be, then this must be so. (my grandmother told me that when my Dad died, as i feared what happened to him... and she was as close to God as any person i've ever known!) I don't know if any of this helps... but know that i'm thining of you and will pray for your peace.

Dad passed away early last year from lung cancer. I had traveled the 200 miles to be with he and his wife when he went into the hospital. We spent time finding a nursing home with a good hospice program for him to go into. Unfortunately, he never left the hospital, and I was getting ready to go stay with him (we had been rotating 'shifts' so that he was never alone) when I got the call that he had died. It was hard knowing that I was so close, but not with him at the end. I was also angry with both brothers who had not been to see Dad for the last few months of his life. As time goes on, the hurt and the anger have faded, as I hope they do for you.

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And let me take this opportunity to say that everyone over the age of 50 should be screened regularly for colon cancer. If caught early it is very curable.

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For anyone with a family history of colon cancer, please don't wait until you're 50 to be screened. My dad barely survived colon cancer at age 30. I was diagnosed at age 33, and I think my brother was just over 40 when he had his first cancerous polyp removed.