Am I horrible?

I already know what I am going to do about this situation, but I wanted to see what other people thought about it. I am getting married in less than 2 months, and we have decided not to invite our parents to the wedding. This is my first wedding, my mother lives in a different state, and we have "issues" that make me believe that she would not be able to attend our wedding without wanting to run the show and/or be the center of attention. In the past, she likes to create drama, and there have been other times when I really needed her around that she wasn't there because she had "something better to do". This is just a brief summary, as I don't have time to go into detail here at work. I know she is going to hit the roof when she finds out we got married and didn't invite her. I just wondered what other people thought about it, and/or if they ever were in a similar situation.

As long as you're eloping and inviting no one, everything should be fine.

If you're having a wedding and not inviting your parents, no matter what the issues, you're inflicting a world of hurt on the people responsible for the two of you existing.

If your mother lives in a different state she'll be hard pressed to run the show from far away. And if she has "something better to do" at least you didn't burn the bridge.

My inlaws chose not to attend my church wedding because of religious differences. But they were invited. Over the years we worked around the religious differences and had a good relationship that benefitted everyone, especially their grandchildren.

There's just no way I wouldn't invite the parents to a wedding. You're going to start you new life out in a boiling mess if you do. It'll end up causing much more trouble than putting up with her would.

If your parents are going to make you miserable, then don't invite them. You want to be surrounded by love and acceptance on your wedding day and if that means friends rather than family, there is nothing wrong with that. Good luck on your wedding, and more importantly, your marriage.

Oh for goodness sake! How many times do children make life miserable for their parents? if nothing else, you owe them for that! Grow up and do the right thing.

I think that more damage would be done in the long run by not inviting her (by the way...you said you're not inviting your parents--what is the problem with his?).
That's kind of something, in my mind/experience, people just don't get over.

FWIW, AR. I don't think it's childish to want to avoid heartache/headaches on your wedding day. Hang in there.

Thank you, Sweetpeas. I feel the same way. If I had more time and could write down allllll the stuff she's done, I think more people would probably agree with me. My fiance's mother is in another state too, and his father is deceased. She is not able to make the trip, so he didn't want her to feel bad or like she needed to buy us something. Also, I didn't realize I posted two of these threads! That was an accident.

Your wedding day is only one day. Granted, right now you think it's the most important day in your life, but if you exclude your parents from this day you will destroy whatever relationship you have with them, however fragile that might be. I believe when you have children of your own, you will come to regret your decision.

I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you've indicated here. My mother could fit into the description you've related here. The question here is - do you wish to have any type of relationship with your mother after the wedding? If you do - invite her. If you're writing her off for good - don't. If I did what you're suggesting and tried to maintain a relationship with my mother afterwards - my life would be awful! She would bring it up at every opportunity and play it for all its worth. I would never hear the end of it.

If you want to preserve your relationship - such as it is - you must invite her. Now, you could plan your wedding in Jamaica or someplace you don't think she could travel to - then it would be her decision not to attend. You could also wait until very close to the wedding to let her know about it so she didn't have the opportunity to run the show.

ARLady,
congratulations on getting married. My wedding day was a month ago yesterday, so all of the stress of wedding planning is fresh in my mind, and that was withough sticky familial issues! It sounds like you're carying a lot of hurt from your mom not being there when you needed her. That's unfortunate, but I can only imagine that not inviting your mother to your wedding would hurt her terribly too. I would say that, unless she's so bad that you have no interest in having a relationship with her, you need to invite her. Not inviting your mother to your wedding is the kind of thing that can't be undone or made up for later.

Right after I got engaged and started getting stressed out,one of the loan officers at the bank who used to be a minister, took me out to lunch and gave me some advice. He told me that despite what society tells us, your wedding day isn't all about you. It's about you and your fiance, and your family, and his family, and the coming together of all of the people you love. And because it's not just about you, there are going to be sacrifices that you have to make, even though you're the bride. I thought that was pretty good advice.

Invite her and solicit the help of a best friend if possible to keep her at bay. I agree with the other posters that if she is as you say she'll use it against you for the rest of her/your life. My advice, make all the arrangemtns yourself and when she asks or offers to help - tell her "Thanks but it's already taken care of" and make sure it is or she use that too! Manipulative parents - and lots of us have them - can be beat if you play the game like they taught you! Good luck and best wishes on your wedding and marriage!

For what it worth AR, I did not invite my mother either. We have a shakey relationship, but it was not made worse by the non-invite. We are actually closer than we were. I do wish I had invited her, but I know that she would not have shown.

ARLady, go with your heart, if my mother caused me grief, I wouldn't want to be around her.

ARLady, you are not being horrible. If it has come to this point, you have already tried everything to make things work out, and have seen the results. Some people are impossible to have a relationship with, and just because you are related makes no difference.

An old saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but not your relatives." However, you can pick the guests at YOUR wedding. It is YOUR day, YOU are paying for it, YOU get to choose to have it beautiful, peaceful and relattively stress free. No pun intended.

I wish you and your husband much happiness and joy in your new life together!

Thank you everyone who has responded. This is just going to be a very small wedding with about four people invited to attend. I guess if I were having some big $20,000.00 blowout bash, I would suck it up and invite her, because that would just be rude. But seeing that it's going to be small (and she's already been trying to blow it up into a large affair, none of which she would be paying for, I assure you), it seems ridiculous to me that she would spend money on a plane ticket out here, that would cost more than the wedding, I would have to drive 2 hours to the airport to pick her up, then I would be responsible for transporting her to the town where our wedding is going to be held, which is two hours away, then somehow, I would have to find someway to get her back to our house or the airport when I am supposed to be up there on my honeymoon, etc., etc. It just seems like alot of trouble to me. She got remarried about four years ago, and I was responsible for my own transportation to and from her wedding, but I know if I invited her and told her that I didn't want to be responsible for her transportation, that would end up being a big drama with her telling me I'm awful, etc.

I don't think you are being horrible at all. I invited my mother to my first wedding which she chose not to attend. I did not invite her to my second wedding.

She and I do not have a good relationship, but I do try to maintain some sort of one with her because of my children. However, she has now started to treat my kids the way she has always treated me and the older ones don't really want to have much to do with her either.

ARLady, don't invite her. She sounds like the type who WOULD spend all that money and time just to be in your face to make things miserable.

ARLady,
Here's what I would do (emphasis - ME - I don't know you or your circumstance. This may not work for you). Pick up the telephone - call mom and have an honest conversation. Below is a possible script:

"Hello mom, you know that (insert financee' name here) are to be married soon. The wedding itself is really going to be an extremely small affair with only the two of us and four other people in attendance. This is the type of wedding that we want. (Insert Financee's name here)'s mother will not be in attendance and you know that his father is deceased. If you come there will be logistical plans on getting you here that I can't be responsible for. This will be my wedding day and my focus will be on getting my marriage started on the right foot, I don't want to stress about anything and that includes worrying about your safe arrival and transportation to and from the wedding. I do hope you understand and can still wish us well. After we return from our honeymoon and settle in a bit, maybe we can plan a visit with either you coming out here or us going there. That way you can get to know (insert financee's name here) better and we can visit without having all of the stress of the wedding."

If you are going to have any pictures taken - then tell her that you will have a picture framed and prepared especially for her and that you will send that to her just as soon after you return from your honeymoon as possible.

Let her know that you are the one in charge of your life, but that you do care about her.

Perhaps doing something like this will alleviate your guilt but make it clear to your mother that you still intend to have some type of a relationship with her.

Best of luck and whatever decision you make - be at peace with it.

I like your thinking, Mush, that may be good to try too. But transportation issues wouldn't be the only thing we'd have to worry about. At Christmas time about 2 years ago, my mom called and said she wanted to come for a visit. I said that would be fine, no problem. We were living in a small one bedroom rental home at that time, transitioning for our move to where we live at now. My son didn't even have his own room at the time. She asked if she needed to stay at a motel, I said no. Well, she shows up and has her husband drop her off (he was on his way up north to spend time with his family) and she has bags and bags of personal belongings taking up our limited space. She had said NOTHING about "moving in" when she called about coming to visit. Needless to say, this created alot of goodwill with my fiance. When we quizzed her about it, she got defensive and said he was beating her, etc. She has left him before, and she didn't have any bruises. She did the same thing with her last husband and they finally divorced. Then she said she wanted to go to a motel, and I told her no, but she kept on, so we dropped her off there. The next morning she called and said she was sick. I was fed up, so I called her husband's cell phone to tell him what was going on and he had NO IDEA that she was "leaving him". He came back from up north and picked her up and they've been together ever since. I figure if it was that bad, she would have left him for real. I think she does it for attention, and it RUINED our Christmas. My big fear is that she will do something similar during my wedding. And this is but ONE incident with her. I hope this gives you all a bit more insight on my situation.

Do not tell her the date or location. She might show up anyway just to steal your day from you. Don't let her. Don't let her take advantage of you.

She might. I haven't told her the date or location, so we should be safe. It makes me feel bad, and I wish I just had a "normal" mother. It makes me feel better to hear you all confirm my viewpoint on this.

I had a relative (who is now an ex-relative) who was just unbelievable about things she did. Unless you have experienced it, you just can't comprehend that there are people who are so out of touch with reality and common decency.

I agree that if things are this bad, you shouldn't invite her to the wedding. Based on my own experiences with someone like this, there would UNDOUBTEDLY be something that happens because of her that would cast a dark cloud (and dark memory) over your day.

Now, if you want to try to develop some type of manageable relationship with her in other ways, go for it. But, it's also OK at some point to say the stress, hurt, and damage is just too much to bear, and you move on.

Good luck. I know exactly what you have gone through.

You are not horrible not to invite your mother to your wedding. Only YOU know how she is and would react to any situation. Save yourself the stress and enjoy your day.

My brother's stepdaughter (from a former marriage) recently married (let's call her Mary) but did not invite her mother or even tell her mother she was getting married. It's a long story, but the mother (we believe)is an untreated bipolar schizophrenic (she's nuts!) and Mary could not take the chance that her mother would make the wedding a disaster. I've witnessed the mother's explosive tyraids and I don't blame Mary at all. My brother was invited and attended the wedding which was held at Mary's father's house. They even went as far as hiring and having a guard posted at the driveway entrance to keep the mother out in case she showed up.

I am sure Mary felt horrible about not telling or inviting her own mother, but I am sure she felt she had no choice.

So go with what makes you both happy. Congratulations and best of luck in your future!

Have you given any thought or consideration for a smaller private reception or receptions after you return from your very intimate wedding. Perhaps have your small wedding as you wish, and share with your families a small reception of family and close friends (one for your side and one for his) when you return. Perhaps this way, you can still control the situation, and friends and family can still feel involved in your special event. This way, your mother does not ruin your wedding day, she only offends and pushes herself on her own family at the reception, and you can still call the shots and control the purse strings.

If she still has issues with this, then let her know how sorry you will be that she will not be there at the reception to celebrate this special event with your family and friends, and the next move in a positive direction must be hers.

As you can guess, I too have fun split family issues. I have learned that I cannot, and will not change others, but a happy and content life I must pursue for myself and my sig. other...and sometimes that means that others will have to make the difficult choices for themselves.

I don't think that you are horrible for not wanting your parents at your wedding....but I do think that you are wrong for not inviting them. You seem like a smart girl, go ahead and put the ball in her court. If she responds in a disrespectful manner, you will never be able to say that YOU didn't try.

If you don't invite her, one day, you may look back on your wedding.....and yes there will be good and happy moments, but lurking in the back of your mind you will always remember that 'we didn't invite mom". That I don't think will be a happy thought for you.

I don't know what caused the problems in your relationship and I believe that apparently for you to even be contemplating not inviting them, they were pretty serious.....but that does not change the fact that she is your mother. She may have disappointed you, but I would venture to say that you disappointed her as well....all children do....intentional or not. One day YOU will be a mother and no matter how much you say you won't do what she does or say what she said, one day you will open your mouth , hear her come out and "Oh my goodness, I am my mother after all". If it were me I would simply tell myself that I was not doing it for her, I was doing it for me....that way you will have no regrets......

Good luck

Granny, it sounds like her mom is more than just a "disappointment". A "disappointment" could make the wedding "uncomfortable". She sounds more like "destructive", as in "ruin" the day.

I have an ex-sister-in-law who is downright destructive. She fought with everyone at her sister's funeral! Burned all her bridges when she needed them most. She sabotages all of her daughter's relationships, with men and with girlfriends. We have tried, for years to reach out to her, but she is now my "ex" sister-in-law, not on speaking terms with her own siblings, and barely on speaking terms with one daughter. The other daughter, unfortunately, is under her thumb, and I am afraid will never get away and find happiness.

Nanwa...I know what you are saying, about a "disappointment". I suppose that she could ruin the day....If she does, then she will only show to others what her daughter already knows....No one will pity mom.......That may not be comforting while all of it is occuring.....But this woman is still her mother....it isn't a sister-in-law.

I know about family who doesn't speak to one another. I saw my mother-in-law being treated like dirt by her daughter.....and while my mother-in-law was not the problem, she always felt that this person, as hateful and spiteful as she could be was her daughter...She never would leave her out of anything....and neither did I....She came to Christmas dinner...stormed out of the house before dinner because she got upset with the kind of wine that was served......Screamed at her parents because the fish was cold.....screamed at her brother because he went into a camp to spray for bees.....and her child's diapers would not need to be rewashed..doesn't speak to her only two children, did help one iota when her dad was ill and needed diapers changed and to be tube fed, didn't visit her mother while she was dying...and the last words that she said to her was "if you don't fire that sitter, I will never come back" and she didn't....now granted, I don't know if she regrets it. Frankly, everyone said that her heart is too black to regret anything like that...

I can only say what it would be for me....I would not want to meet my maker on Judgement Day and try to give reasons for not "turning the other cheek".

I don't mean to sound flip but, what do you do when you run out of cheeks? You try and try, and get nowhere. Kind of like banging your head against the wall. It feels so good when you stop.

Hee!Hee! Hee!. Yeah, it does, doesn't it......

Yes, Nanwa, I have run out of cheeks. She has proven herself to be incapable of behaving decently in situations where it matters. I feel that I've put up with it all my life, and I've had enough. I feel like she may have some untreated mental problem, and my fiance feels the same. I think she is aware that she ruins things, and maybe enjoys it or just cannot stop herself. One more story about her: A couple of years ago when my son was seven years old, he went to spend the summer with her. My mother's husband's brother, who was around 55 years old at the time was staying with them. I guess Mom was tired of him being there, because one day when her husband and my son came back from the store, she was on the front lawn with his brother's stuff beating it with a hammer and screaming. The ambulance and police came, my son had to stay with a neighbor, and has been traumatized by seeing his Grandma act like that ever since that happened. I was furious, but my fiance wanted to give her another chance. So the next summer, we went down there, and he was supposed to stay with her and we were going on to Key West, and she had failed to tell us she had a job and couldn't watch him but for a few days at a time, so we didn't get to go to Key West. That was the last straw for my fiance. We had talked on the phone twice a week on the way down there (we RV'd down there) and not once did she mention her job. She did that on purpose. She can't help herself. I'm tired of being the victim.

Maybe it is time to tell her in no uncertain terms that until she seeks counseling or other medical/professional treatment, she can not be a part of your lives.

Your number one priority is your family, and their safety and mental well being, and that includes you. If you have given her a final chance, as has your fiance, and more than one, now might be the time for the bite to be bigger than the bark, so to speak.

You may love your mother for she is your mother, and because she is, I hope you do. But because you love her does not mean that you must condone her antics and hostilities, whether they are behavorial or mental.

The stress of work, raising a child, cultivating a loving relationship and new family...you already have your plate full. Do not intentionally add another stessor onto your life. And by all means, if you have not already, please seek some counseling for yourself. Any decision you make in this matter is going to have its share of pros and cons. Perhaps an unbiased third party can help you through your choice, and help your be ok with whatever you choose.

Been in your shoes, and it stinks, but at some point your mental well being must take priority, so you can be a healthy good mother and spouse.

Your advice is right on target. She has been in counseling before and always quits. She was in a mental counseling facility for about 3 months (in patient) after her divorce from my father. She had been prescribed some medications back then and she quit them. Her current husband urged her to get counseling after the breaking stuff on the lawn incident, and she went a couple of times and then quit. I do love her, and she is my mother. She has done alot of wonderful things for me in the past and I believe she is good hearted deep down. It's like gambling though, you never know which side of her you will see.

Yep, sounds like the woman has unresolved issues. If she took a hammer to stuff, sounds like anger management is part of it.

The niece that is under the ex sister-in-law's thumb has cried to her father that she is afraid her mother's behavior is genetic. I believe it is, although to a lessor extent in my niece. She, at least, has sought counseling. The SIL says, "I don't have a problem. You all have the problem." We do. It's her.

LOL! I worry that it's genetic too. My fiance has already says he hopes I don't end up like her. She was always this way, but in the last 3-4 years it's gotten MUCH worse. I'm not sure if it's because she's getting older, or because she's married. She is more normal when she's not with anyone, and when she is married or dating, it's like she just acts like a total nut! i have noticed that is a pattern with her.

Hmmm....if that is the case, perhaps you might want to reconsider the marrige thing after all....

Your mother sounds very much like my ex-sister-in-law. She appears to be the sweetest angel, but don't turn your back on her or she will plunge a knife right into your back! Before my brother married her and they were living together, she would fly into a rage and pack all of his belongings (that she didn't otherwise destroy) into big black trash bags and drive an hour to my parents house and throw the bags into their driveway.

All his friends told him not to marry her; he did, and ended up losing all of them. She made sure of that.

She would torture my parents! I will never forget picking up my ringing phone one evening to the sound of screaming on the other end of the phone. Then I heard my father (who I never in my life heard raise his voice) yelling in the background. My mother was on the phone and said to me "She's here and she won't leave!". I said "Who's there?" And she said my sister-in-law. The whole time we are talking the yelling is going on in the background. I asked my mother if she wanted me to come there, and she said no. So I told her to hang up and call the police. It wasn't until after my mother announced to her that she was calling the police, that she ran out of their house. She and my brother lived an hours drive away.

She hates her own parents and does not get along with any of her siblings. As I said earlier, her own daughter never told her she was getting married. Her son joined the Marines to get away from her.

In her case, when she was about 10 years old, she was hit by a car and had head injuries, among other things. I believe that is where her mental problems surfaced. But, according to her, nothing is wrong with her, it's everybody else that has a problem! She's a hypocondriac and runs to the doctors claiming the latest "popular" ailment and the doctors end up prescribing prozac or something similar. When she takes the pills, she's OK; when she doesn't, look out!

The sad part of this whole thing is that my nephew is still living with her. I fear for his mental safety. She brainwashes him into believing he has learning disabilities and ADHD. My brother does not get anywhere with the court system, as a mother has to seriously injure a child before it will be taken from her. My brother was the abused one in their relationship (not that a man wants to admit that) but, of course, she was always pulling my brother into court claiming non-existent abuses. (She did that with the first husband also.) My brother even asked the court at one time for both of them to be tested for mental soundness, and they refused. My brother just hopes that when my nephew turns 13, he requests to live with his father (my brother).

It is scary to think that there are so many mentally incapcitated people running around that nothing will be done about until they physically hurt themselves or someone else.

Your sister-in-law DOES sound alot like my mother. Upon first meeting her casually, you couldn't meet a more charming person. Then when the time is right, it's crazy time! She also is estranged from her parents and brother. I used to side with her in the family disputes, but now I can see why they can't get along. I am estranged from that side of the family now because of her too, I was trying to be a good daughter and support my mom. Now I feel like an idiot because of it. It was impossible to have a relationship with them anyway, because when I did, she dogged me about it all the time. I don't know why she is the way she is, but I think she's been that way since childhood, from what I can tell. I am not perfect either, but at least I don't try to ruin things for other people, and I'm more considerate and reliable than she is.