Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers

Posted By: X

Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/23/06 05:56 PM

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
______

Go here - click on the blue square - goal is to not touch the blue squares or black border - 2 minutes would be an excellent score.
Posted By: D2Xs

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/23/06 06:04 PM

Check this out. It's pretty cool.

Cheney's got a gun!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/23/06 06:15 PM

Best NSA slogan:
Bush spied, terrorists died.

Best slogan about Democrats:
Democrats -- a 40 year war on poverty and still no exit strategy

Best slogan about education:
Help stamp out literacy -- support the teachers' union.

Best slogan about life and death issues:
Aren't you glad your mother was pro-life?

Best anti-terrorism slogan:
Give peace a chance. Kill a terrorist.

Best "I support Bush" slogan:
I stubbed my toe. Impeach Bush!

Best "I support the war and our troops" slogan:
Peace through victory.

Best "money and responsibility" slogan:
Keep your socialism out of my paycheck!

Best "this is liberalism" slogan:
Liberals: so open-minded, their brains fell out.

Best original "this is liberalism" slogan:
It takes a conservative to feed a liberal.

Best "free speech/ACLU" slogan:
ACLU: Aiding and Abetting America's Enemies.

Best MSM slogan:
Reporters aren't liberal -- and the 9/11 hijackers weren't Muslims.

Best "the USA is a great place" slogan:
I will not be intimidated. I will not be silenced. I am an American.

Best "election 2008" slogan:
Vote for a REAL strong woman . . . Condoleeza!

Best religion slogan:
Free to be religious.

Best of the rest:
Casey Sheehan deserves a better spokesperson.
Posted By: *BUSTER*

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/23/06 06:27 PM

Quote:

Best of the rest:
Casey Sheehan deserves a better spokesperson.





This one is sooo true...
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/23/06 07:51 PM

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit

through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
______

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
_____

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Usually come when called

5. Never drive your car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Posted By: ~~~izzo~~~

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/23/06 08:00 PM

cute!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/23/06 08:03 PM

A young man comes home and says "Dad, I just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/23/06 09:44 PM

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied.

"I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn?"
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 04:56 PM

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."


The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."


The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"


"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your butt is for."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 05:20 PM

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied," but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE )
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax and pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 05:42 PM

Subj: 2006 Darwin Awards
In case you haven't received them yet, here are this year's Darwin Awards -- the annual honor given to the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are.............

* IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


HONORABLE MENTION:
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

* TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I
can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.

With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Sh#t happens!"
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 05:46 PM

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN...

1) Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
2) You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.
3) You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell phone.
4) You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.
5) You begin to lie to your friends about how close you are when you know damn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there.
6) Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes".
7) You drive to your neighborhood block party.
8) In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe sunburn.
9) You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.
10) Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
11) You really can never be too rich, too thin or too tan.
12) You eat pineapple on pizza.
13) Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your head.
14) You know who the tinsel underwear dude in is.
15) You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class. Best area code: "949." Nobody likes anyone from the "909" because it stinks there.
16) You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It doesn't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason.
17) You know that if you drive two mile in any direction you will find a McDonald's or a Starbucks.
18) You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean.
19) It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH".
20) The Terminator is your governor.21) Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
22) You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
23) You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
24) Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
25) Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are after all, over almost as soon as you realize whats happening.
26) You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
27) You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
28) A really great parking space can move you to tears.
29) Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
30) Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
31) You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
32) It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
33) Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.>>
Posted By: *BUSTER*

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 05:49 PM

OMG, I allways love to read the Darwin Awards, each year they seem to get more unbelievable.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 07:14 PM

Tonk meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.


Tonk notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch.

Curious, Tonk asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"


The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".


"Wow!" said Tonk. "What about the hook"?


"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."


"Incredible!" remarked Tonk. "How did you get the eye patch"?


"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.


"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" Tonk asked.


"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 07:51 PM

You might be a redneck if...
1) You've ever lost a home to an F4 tornado,

2) It was a doublewide.

3) Your father-in-law and his "new" wife had to leave a motrocycle rally to come help clean up after the tornado.

4)You and your wife bought your wedding rings at Wal-Mart.

5) Your younger brother became a grandfather, by blood, at the age of 33.

6) You've uttered, on three separate occasions, the phrase "When my sister gets out of prison..."

Yep - all of these apply to Ron.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:08 PM

How Evil Are You?

Me - 70%, but I'm still working on a higher score! I may have to kill someone. Ron, where do you live?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:24 PM

Quote:

You might be a redneck if...
1) You've ever lost a home to an F4 tornado,

2) It was a doublewide.

3) Your father-in-law and his "new" wife had to leave a motrocycle rally to come help clean up after the tornado.

4)You and your wife bought your wedding rings at Wal-Mart.

5) Your younger brother became a grandfather, by blood, at the age of 33.

6) You've uttered, on three separate occasions, the phrase "When my sister gets out of prison..."

Yep - all of these apply to Ron.



thanks, bud.
Posted By: Peepers

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:25 PM

Quote:

Quote:

You might be a redneck if...
1) You've ever lost a home to an F4 tornado,

2) It was a doublewide.

3) Your father-in-law and his "new" wife had to leave a motrocycle rally to come help clean up after the tornado.

4)You and your wife bought your wedding rings at Wal-Mart.

5) Your younger brother became a grandfather, by blood, at the age of 33.

6) You've uttered, on three separate occasions, the phrase "When my sister gets out of prison..."

Yep - all of these apply to Ron.



thanks, bud.




You're sister is in prison? How about hooking a fella up when she gets out?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:33 PM

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

You might be a redneck if...
1) You've ever lost a home to an F4 tornado,

2) It was a doublewide.

3) Your father-in-law and his "new" wife had to leave a motrocycle rally to come help clean up after the tornado.

4)You and your wife bought your wedding rings at Wal-Mart.

5) Your younger brother became a grandfather, by blood, at the age of 33.

6) You've uttered, on three separate occasions, the phrase "When my sister gets out of prison..."

Yep - all of these apply to Ron.



thanks, bud.




You're sister is in prison? How about hooking a fella up when she gets out?



you wouldn't want her. you'd just get diseases from that w#*!^.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:37 PM

You know you're getting old when...

...all of your favorite movies are re-released in color.

...you begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

...you come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

...you frequently find yourself telling people how much a loaf of bread used to cost.

...have way too much room in the house, and not nearly enough in the medicine cabinet.

...people call you at 9pm, they ask, "Did I wake you?"

...the little gray-haired lady that you help across the street is your wife.

...the pharmacist becomes your new best friend.

...you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

...you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

...you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

...you quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

...you sink your teeth into a nice juicy steak ...and they stay there.

...your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

...your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

...your new easy chair has more options than your car.

...you and your teeth don't sleep together.

...you look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

...getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

...the twinkle in your eye turns out to be the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
Posted By: Alien

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:42 PM

92%
You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:55 PM

WOW, Alien - you must have checked a lot of strange stuff to get that score. I'm working on 100%!
Posted By: slick

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:55 PM

You Are 76% Evil
You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

haha,
Posted By: ~~~izzo~~~

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 09:58 PM

Quote:

How Evil Are You?

Me - 70%, but I'm still working on a higher score! I may have to kill someone. Ron, where do you live?




OMG. Didn't expect to read that. Too funny.
Posted By: doodle

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 10:02 PM

ha! Alien,I had the same score.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 10:05 PM

Slick - you are more evil than me!

I thought that that was the case. I'm just Mr. Nice Guy!
Posted By: doodle

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 10:07 PM

Quote:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN...

1) Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
2) You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.
3) You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell phone.
4) You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.
5) You begin to lie to your friends about how close you are when you know damn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there.
6) Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes".
7) You drive to your neighborhood block party.
8) In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe sunburn.
9) You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.
10) Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
11) You really can never be too rich, too thin or too tan.
12) You eat pineapple on pizza.
13) Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your head.
14) You know who the tinsel underwear dude in is.
15) You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class. Best area code: "949." Nobody likes anyone from the "909" because it stinks there.
16) You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It doesn't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason.
17) You know that if you drive two mile in any direction you will find a McDonald's or a Starbucks.
18) You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean.
19) It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH".
20) The Terminator is your governor.21) Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
22) You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
23) You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
24) Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
25) Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are after all, over almost as soon as you realize whats happening.
26) You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
27) You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
28) A really great parking space can move you to tears.
29) Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
30) Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
31) You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
32) It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
33) Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.>>




I'm from SoCal and most of these are absolutely true. One exception-#23. No one actually uses public transportation. The funny thing is that I moved to Colorado and most of those are still valid. The comments about the weather don't apply but most of the others do.
Posted By: Alien

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/24/06 10:57 PM

Quote:

WOW, Alien - you must have checked a lot of strange stuff to get that score. I'm working on 100%!




Hey once you have lived in seven countries and speak five languages, you will be able to check more boxes!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 05:01 PM

Dear abby, dear abby ...
My feet are too long
My hairs falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that Ive no friends at all
Wont you write me a letter, wont you give me a call
Signed bewildered

Bewildered, bewildered...

Chorus:
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you aint what you aint
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear abby, dear abby...
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it werent so expensive Id wish I were dead
Signed unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy...

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby...
You wont believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me its all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker

Noise-maker, noise-maker

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby...
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married

Just married, just married...

Repeat chorus
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 05:21 PM

Hillary is Depressed

A New York stockbroker got stuck in some bad traffic on the way home the other day. He asked a cop on the beat, what was the holdup. Cop says, "It's Hillary in her motorcade. She stopped and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She's depressed because Bill's running around on her more than ever, Bush upstaged her in Iraq, she's flipped out about Gore and Dean, and the Saddam capture put her over the edge. So we're taking up a collection for her."

The stockbroker asks the cop, "How much have you got so far? The cop replies, "About four and a half gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 05:58 PM

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item.

When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."

"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 06:10 PM

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man.

"John Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 06:21 PM

While visiting his niece, elderly Uncle Geezer had a serious stroke.
The niece drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the niece, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 06:28 PM

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right"

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"

Neighbor 1: "Right again"

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."

Neighbor 1: "Yup"

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 3: "No"

Neighbor 1: "Homo!!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 06:30 PM

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 06:37 PM

I knew it, I knew it. They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 06:45 PM

One Day at the North Pole...

One Christmas long, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. There was one problem after another that year; a few of the best elves came down with the flu, and the trainee elves didn't make toys as fast as the usual guys so Santa was really feeling the pressure of being behind schedule.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out somewhere. He ran around in a panic until he found them, then went inside and Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit! Needless to say, this stressed poor Santa even more.

Then, when he began to load up the sleigh, one of the runners cracked and the sack fell to the ground and scattered toys everywhere. Fuming, Santa found a couple of carpenter elves to fix the sleigh and went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he found that the elves had been hitting the liquor and there was nothing left to drink. An empty bottle fell out of the cabinet and shattered all over the floor. Scowling, he went to get the broom and found that mice had chewed up the straw and it was hardly usable.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa muttered and cursed to himself all the way to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel there, dragging a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "I'm running late, where do you want me to put this tree, fat man?"

And that is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/26/06 06:46 PM

Q: What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/27/06 04:56 PM

Question: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure of the following agreement:

WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise agreed illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the second party (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb), in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform. In such a case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first-part (Lawyer) throughout.

(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

(3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one (1) of the self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assignees, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination consistent with maxmization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/27/06 05:14 PM

Things you wish you could say at work:


1. Ahhh...I see the **ck-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of [censored].

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

17. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

19. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

21. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

22. No, my powers can only be used for good.

23. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication. 24. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

25. Do I look like a people person?

26. This isn't an office. It's [censored] with fluorescent lighting.

27. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

28. You!...Off my planet!

29. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

30. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

31. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

32. Allow me to introduce my selves.

33. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

34. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

35. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

37. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

38. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

39. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

40. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

41. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

42. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

43. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

44. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

45. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

46. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
____

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said.You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife,

The agent replies, Then youre not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife. The agent replies, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the womans turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.
Why did the chicken cross the road?

JOHN KERRY
I voted to support the chicken crossing the road before I voted
against the chicken. I do not believe the chicken should have crossed
the road without the support of the French, Germans, and United
Nations. Did I mention I have three Purple Hearts?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't need to know why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken
is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that
somebody out there is already forming a support group to help
chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road
paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm
talking about your money, money the government took from you to build
a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly
harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU
SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken did cross the road, and there
was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/27/06 07:31 PM

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. Dogs don't cry.

2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.

3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

4. Dogs think you sing great.

5. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

10. Dogs are excited by rough play.

11. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

12. Dogs understand that [censored] are funny.

13. Dogs love red meat.

14. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

15. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

17. Dogs don't shop.

18. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

19. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

20. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

21. A dog's parents never visit.

22. Dogs love long car trips.

23. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

24. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

25. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

26. Dogs like beer.

27. Dogs don't hate their bodies.

28. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

29. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

30. Dogs never criticize.

31. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

32. Dogs never expect gifts.

33. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

34. Dogs don't worry about germs.

35. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

36. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

37. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

38. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

40. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

41. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

42. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

43. Dogs never want foot-rubs.

44. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

45. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

46. Dogs can't talk.

47. Dogs aren't catty.

48. Dogs seldom outlive you.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/27/06 07:33 PM

Why CATS are better than MEN


1. A CAT always hits the litterbox.

2. Better chance of training a CAT.

3. You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.

4. If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.

5. You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

6. It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.

7. A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.

Also:

1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.

3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.

4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.

5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.

6. When a cat comes in at mid-night it doesn't wake you up by smashing into every item of furniture.

7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.

8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.

9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.

10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.

11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.

12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.

13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

16. Better chance of training a cat.

17. Cats are cute.

18. A cat is never late for dinner.

19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!

20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.

21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.

22. Cats treat your mom with respect.

23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.

24. It feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.

25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.

26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.

27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p

28. Cats actually think with their heads.

29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.

31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.

32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.

Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/27/06 07:42 PM

Subject: The Politician

While walking down the street one day, a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," he says aloofly.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in [censored] and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the pol.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down . to [censored].

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a gleaming clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him; everyone is very happy and dressed in fancy evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, slap him on the back and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf, do some gambling, have a few drinks (all free) and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. It is very peaceful and serene. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in [censored] and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers "Well, I would never have guessed that I would say this . I mean Heaven has been delightful . but I think I would prefer to be in [censored]."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to [censored]. The doors of the elevator open. He is in the middle of a barren, hot, glaring landscape covered with human waste and burning garbage. He sees all his friends - naked, sweating, forlorn - picking up the burning trash with their bare hands and putting into immense, heavy bags that they drag, on bleeding, cut bare feet, along the uneven and sharp gravel-strewn ground. Periodically, demons swoop in with whips and hot pokers to prod on the exhausted and suffering souls.

The Devil comes over and lays his arm on his neck. Youre back, he sneers into his face with the foulest of breath.

"I don't understand," stammers the pol. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank wine and margaritas and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of burning garbage, and my friends look miserable.

The Devil smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 02/28/06 05:47 PM

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and
Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and
tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/01/06 07:49 PM

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So , what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/02/06 12:17 AM

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Ive got a special game for you. Ill do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paintmyhouse."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/02/06 04:37 PM

Also posted to another thread:

37HSSV-0773H

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply:

"Tell the FBI that Kennedy's holding the message upside down."

370HSSV-0773H
_____

Two faithful wives, who had never before gone anywhere without their husbands much less gone out to a bar, decided to go out one evening and have a few drinks leaving their husbands home. After a night of consuming large amounts of alcohol the two women decided they had better walk home as they were both too drunk to drive. As they were taking a short cut through the local cemetary they had a sudden urge to pee. They looked around to be sure no one was watching and squatted down. After they were finished they suddenly realized that they had nothing to wipe with. The first wife slipped off her panties, wiped and threw them in the bushes. The second wife, thinking that her panties were a gift from her loving husband and very expensive, looked around to find something else to use. A flower arrangement lay close by on a fresh grave so she pulled the ribbon off and proceeded to use it.

The next morning the two troubled husbands were talking. The first one said quietly, I think maybe my wife did something terrible last night. Why? asked the second husband. Well, when she came home so late last night I woke up and noticed that she didn't have her panties on!

You think that's bad? Said the second....when I woke up this morning I found a card in my wifes ass that said: From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 05:53 PM

Six Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex...This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even on the kitchen table, etc...

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The forth kind is Hallway Sex... This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex
by some.

5. There is also a fifth kind of Sex... Courtroom Sex, this is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month, but it's not enough to live on...!
_____

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked if they would ever sleep with President Clinton.

60% said, "Never again!"
_____

Q: How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?

A: He marks the camels that kick
_____

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 06:03 PM

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
_____

Q: What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?

A: They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 06:33 PM

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer
_____

DRIVE-IN
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the winter,"

CHILDREN
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

X-RAY GLASSES
Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On her way home, Bambi puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She sees everyone in the street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!" As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and they are still naked. Bambi then says: "Darn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

SUICIDE
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

NEAR-TRAGEDY
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

DENTS
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

EYE DOCTOR
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "but I kind of had my heart set on wire frames,"

THERMOS
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some things cold." "Wow!" said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blonde replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee."

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out, "he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "it's A SCARF!"

A RUSSIAN, AN AMERICAN, AND A BLONDE
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

MAILBOX
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
_____

A blonde girl wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read a book on the subject, and finally, getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voiced bellowed:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to
the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied:

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK".
_____
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 07:27 PM

1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

2. There are 2 times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

3. A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

4. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife.

5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

6. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

7. Married man live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

8. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anythinga man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. When a newly married couple smies, everyone know why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

11. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

12. What is the different between a marriage and a war?
A marriage is a war which the enemies can sleep together.

13. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

14. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

15. Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. (this one is so true!!)

16. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.

17. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

18. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

19. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

20. A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the theif was spending less than his wife did.

21. The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want me, sympathy?"

22. My wife submits and I obey. She always let me have her way.

23. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

24. A happy marriage is giving and taking. The husband gives and the wife takes.

25. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 07:46 PM

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?

A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?

A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?

A: After a dye job.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 08:50 PM

Quote:

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?

A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?

A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?

A: After a dye job.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.




So X....are you blonde?
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 08:57 PM

No - but I like blonds! They are so easy!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 09:04 PM

Quote:

How Evil Are You?




***You Are 36% Evil***

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 09:54 PM

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 09:57 PM

Quote:

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"




ROFL... priceless... LOL.. I needed that laugh...
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 10:12 PM

Quote:

No - but I like blonds! They are so easy!




Ha! Well not being a blonde myself, I wouldn't know.
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 10:14 PM

Quote:

Quote:

No - but I like blonds! They are so easy!




Ha! Well not being a blonde myself, I wouldn't know.




I'm a natural blonde and I don't think we are easy... it's the bottle blondes that are easy...
Posted By: cheekEE

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 10:30 PM

***You Are 40% Evil***


A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

Look out world....here I come!!
Posted By: annie 732

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 10:55 PM

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

No - but I like blonds! They are so easy!




Ha! Well not being a blonde myself, I wouldn't know.




I'm a natural blonde and I don't think we are easy... it's the bottle blondes that are easy...




what happens if you're a little bit of both?
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 10:59 PM

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

No - but I like blonds! They are so easy!




Ha! Well not being a blonde myself, I wouldn't know.




I'm a natural blonde and I don't think we are easy... it's the bottle blondes that are easy...




what happens if your a little bit of both?




hmmm... not sure... LOL... maybe 1/2 and 1/2... depending on your mood..
Posted By: Dip

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 10:59 PM

Quote:

How Evil Are You?




60% evil... ...uh-oh.....
Posted By: Cowboys Fan

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 11:06 PM

Quote:

Quote:

How Evil Are You?




60% evil... ...uh-oh.....




LOL - see what happens when you're honest? Do it again but lie this time like the rest of us
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 11:10 PM

[quote60% evil... ...uh-oh.....




Don't sweat it, Dip. Once you control for the fact that you live in California, it's all good.
Posted By: Spivol

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/03/06 11:18 PM

I am going to do this at home...but I can guarantee that I am going to be pretty high up there.
For instance...today a coworker bought some cookies and not 10 seconds after she bought them I gave them away to some customers when she wasn't looking. It was so freaking funny. She turned back around and saw some guy walking off with them and she took off after him.
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/04/06 12:05 AM

I'm 38 percent Evil....

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/04/06 02:32 AM

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

How Evil Are You?




60% evil... ...uh-oh.....




LOL - see what happens when you're honest? Do it again but lie this time like the rest of us





You are 58% evil.
You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

Looks like I have a little ways to go!
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/04/06 05:01 PM

***You Are 60% Evil***

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

Hmmm... all of us bordering aroung 60%, eh?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/04/06 05:14 PM

Equal time...........

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes-Invisible

Why do most brunette keep their figure?-no one else wants it.

What's it called when you take a brunette to lunch?-Brown bagging it.

How can you tell if the house is owned by a "Bottle Blonde"?-It's the one with the dark hedges.
__________________________________________________ _______________
Back to the blondes

Wadda ya call 10 blondes standing in a circle?
Dope ring

Wadda ya call 10 blondes in a walk-in freezer?
Frosted flakes

Wadda ya call ten blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?
Wind tunnel

Wadda ya call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
Air pocket.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear-rings?
Gives them a place to rest their ankles

What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles.

Why do blondes put fur on the hem on their skirt?
To keep their ears warm

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You get to park in the handicap zone.

Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them

What's the difference between a blonde & a brick?
When you lay a brick,it doesn't follow you around for two weeks

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None-they screw in cars.

How do you get a blonde up on the roof?
Tell her drinks are on the house.

Why are blondes like turtles?
Once you get them on their backs-they can't get up.

Why did the blonde show up at work with square boobs?
She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

How do you make a blondes eyes sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ears.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate cookies?
30.One to bake and 29 to peel the M&M's.

How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?
There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell when a second blonde has been using your computer?
There is writing on the white out.

How can you tell when a THIRD blonde has been using your computer?
There's cheese in front of the mouse.

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
Un-fertilized

What does a bleached blonde & a 747 have in common?
Black boxes

What's the difference between a blonde and a puppy?
The puppy stops whining when you let it in.

Why do blondes wear their hair in pony tails?
To hide the air valve.

How do you drown a blonde?
Put the mirror on the bottom of the pool

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all the "W's"

Why do blondes like cars with "tilt-wheel"?
More head room

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Red means stop

How do you amuse a blonde?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Why don't blondes use [censored]'s?
They keep chipping their front teeth

How can you tell when a blonde is stressed?
When there is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

How do you measure a blondes I.Q.?
With a tire guage

Why did the blonde fail her driving test?
She couldn't reach the gas pedal from the back seat
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/04/06 06:21 PM

Quote:

Equal time...........

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes-Invisible

Why do most brunette keep their figure?-no one else wants it.

What's it called when you take a brunette to lunch?-Brown bagging it.

How can you tell if the house is owned by a "Bottle Blonde"?-It's the one with the dark hedges.
__________________________________________________ _______________
Back to the blondes

Wadda ya call 10 blondes standing in a circle?
Dope ring

Wadda ya call 10 blondes in a walk-in freezer?
Frosted flakes

Wadda ya call ten blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?
Wind tunnel

Wadda ya call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
Air pocket.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear-rings?
Gives them a place to rest their ankles

What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles.

Why do blondes put fur on the hem on their skirt?
To keep their ears warm

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You get to park in the handicap zone.

Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them

What's the difference between a blonde & a brick?
When you lay a brick,it doesn't follow you around for two weeks

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None-they screw in cars.

How do you get a blonde up on the roof?
Tell her drinks are on the house.

Why are blondes like turtles?
Once you get them on their backs-they can't get up.

Why did the blonde show up at work with square boobs?
She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

How do you make a blondes eyes sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ears.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate cookies?
30.One to bake and 29 to peel the M&M's.

How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?
There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell when a second blonde has been using your computer?
There is writing on the white out.

How can you tell when a THIRD blonde has been using your computer?
There's cheese in front of the mouse.

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
Un-fertilized

What does a bleached blonde & a 747 have in common?
Black boxes

What's the difference between a blonde and a puppy?
The puppy stops whining when you let it in.

Why do blondes wear their hair in pony tails?
To hide the air valve.

How do you drown a blonde?
Put the mirror on the bottom of the pool

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all the "W's"

Why do blondes like cars with "tilt-wheel"?
More head room

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Red means stop

How do you amuse a blonde?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Why don't blondes use [censored]'s?
They keep chipping their front teeth

How can you tell when a blonde is stressed?
When there is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

How do you measure a blondes I.Q.?
With a tire guage

Why did the blonde fail her driving test?
She couldn't reach the gas pedal from the back seat




Touche on the "equal time for brunettes" (although...I see you couldn't come up with NEAR as many for us)
Posted By: The Incredible ComplyGuy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/04/06 06:28 PM

***You Are 62% Evil***


You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.
Posted By: *BUSTER*

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 02:37 AM

You Are 86% Evil
You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 02:54 AM

Quote:

You Are 86% Evil
You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!




Max! I would have never guessed!
Posted By: *BUSTER*

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 03:46 AM

LOL, well I'm not that evil anymore, I just answered it as something I have done in my lifetime...
Posted By: Clown Boy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:06 PM

***You Are 78% Evil***


You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

Wow, I never realized how evil I really am..
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:09 PM

Quote:

***You Are 78% Evil***


You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

Wow, I never realized how evil I really am..




Yikes, CB! Where did you say you lived?? LOL
Posted By: Clown Boy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:14 PM

I live in a van down by the river... I'm very antisocial and spend most of my days plotting world domination.
Posted By: Hrothgar Geiger

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:18 PM

**** You Are 20% Evil ***

You make evil squirm.
Posted By: The Incredible ComplyGuy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:24 PM

Quote:

I live in a van down by the river... I'm very antisocial and spend most of my days plotting world domination.




Is that anywhere near that motivational speaker from SNL?
Posted By: Clown Boy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:28 PM

Nothing like world domination to motavate someone.
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:29 PM

Quote:

Quote:

I live in a van down by the river... I'm very antisocial and spend most of my days plotting world domination.




Is that anywhere near that motivational speaker from SNL?




LOL! "...in a van...DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Loved that skit on SNL.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:30 PM

Quote:

I live in a van down by the river... I'm very antisocial and spend most of my days plotting world domination.




Riff Raff: It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes it's toll.
But listen closely...
Magenta: Not for very much longer.
Riff Raff: I've got to keep control.;
I remember doing the time-warp.
Drinking
those moments when
The darkness would hit me
Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...
Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With you're hands on you hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Magenta: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension,
with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded,
I see all.
Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip
Magenta: You're into the time slip.
Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.
Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation.
Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With you're hands on you hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
(Columbia tap dances)
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With you're hands on you hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.

Janet: Brad, say something. (whispered)
Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?
Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.
Brad: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself.
(music cue softly at first, crescendo up)
Janet: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.
Brad: It's just a party, Janet.
Janet: Well -- I want to go.
Brad: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.
Brad: Just a moment, Janet -- we don't want to interfere with their celebration.
Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Brad: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more folk dancing.
Janet: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared Brad: I'm here -- there's nothing to worry about.
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:31 PM

Quote:

I live in a van down by the river... I'm very antisocial and spend most of my days plotting world domination.




Alrighty then!

Let me know how that "plot for world domination" is coming along.
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:31 PM

You'll have plenty of time for doobie rolling, when your living in a van down by the river!!!!
Posted By: Hrothgar Geiger

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:32 PM

ClownBoy,

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:36 PM

Evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6.Teaching Math In 2005

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:37 PM

Quote:

Quote:

I live in a van down by the river... I'm very antisocial and spend most of my days plotting world domination.




Riff Raff: It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes it's toll.
But listen closely...
Magenta: Not for very much longer.
Riff Raff: I've got to keep control.;
I remember doing the time-warp.
Drinking
those moments when
The darkness would hit me
Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...
Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With you're hands on you hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Magenta: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension,
with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded,
I see all.
Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip
Magenta: You're into the time slip.
Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.
Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation.
Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With you're hands on you hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
(Columbia tap dances)
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With you're hands on you hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.

Janet: Brad, say something. (whispered)
Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?
Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.
Brad: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself.
(music cue softly at first, crescendo up)
Janet: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.
Brad: It's just a party, Janet.
Janet: Well -- I want to go.
Brad: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.
Brad: Just a moment, Janet -- we don't want to interfere with their celebration.
Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Brad: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more folk dancing.
Janet: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared Brad: I'm here -- there's nothing to worry about.




Rocky Horror! Been way too long since I've seen that.
Posted By: Pirate

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/07/06 04:38 PM

All I know are REALLY bad jokes...
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/08/06 05:54 PM

Subject: Bob's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder
for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Carol to get a
full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for
half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on
the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out
is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I
can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,
Bob


EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th.
The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ***, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Carol was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it
very suddenly.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/08/06 06:05 PM

Sorting through Job Candidates

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 job candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in reception

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/08/06 06:07 PM

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and they glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is freaking hot down here!!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/08/06 06:46 PM

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House ...
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ...but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ...or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/08/06 07:00 PM

CROOKSPHONICS DICTIONARY
The Government, sensing that Oakland cashed in by labeling African-American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Barf Crook's slang, or "Crooksphonics", as a language to be taught in all schools. The following are excerpts from the Crooksphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The state North of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The state West of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Alabama native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the crick don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. A battle or combat. 2. To engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'mah gonna whup y'uh."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/09/06 05:01 PM

RIDDLE #1
>
> After teaching his class all about roman numeral (X= 10, IX = 9 and so
> on) the teacher asked his class to draw a single continuous line and
> turn IX into 6. The only stipulation the teach made was that the pen
> could not be lifted from the paper until the line was completed.
>
> RIDDLE #2
>
> What is lighter then a feather. And if you put it in a barrel it will
> make the barrel lighter?
>
Posted By: Big Dog

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/09/06 05:05 PM

1 - Draw a 9 and turn it over.
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/09/06 05:05 PM

Riddle # 1: draw 'S' in front of IX
Posted By: Big Dog

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/09/06 05:06 PM

2 - Lightbulb?
Posted By: Clown Boy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/09/06 05:23 PM

#2 A hole?
Fire?
Helium?
Posted By: *nUnZeO*

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/09/06 05:26 PM

#2. Nothing
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/09/06 08:06 PM

#2 is definitely a hole.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 04:25 PM

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the [censored] alone. (to all Bolers from X)

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 04:45 PM

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about
enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and
instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer
immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen
the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 04:46 PM

Go here to see if you can keep the tennis ball in the air. My highest score: 5
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 04:54 PM

Quote:

Go here to see if you can keep the tennis ball in the air. My highest score: 5




OMG... that requires lots of concentration... My highest score is: 6
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 04:58 PM

8 was the best I got so far.
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 05:00 PM

I somehow managed 12
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 05:01 PM

Quote:

I somehow managed 12




You must have a really good mouse.. or ya just got skills...
Posted By: Bengals Fan

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 05:07 PM

86 on my first try, it's not that hard!

Just make sure you play near a wall and click middle of the bottom of the ball.
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 05:20 PM

Quote:

86 on my first try, it's not that hard!

Just make sure you play near a wall and click middle of the bottom of the ball.




Wow... 86... guess I really didn't try that hard.. was talking on the phone with another employee as I was giving an attempt at it.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 05:51 PM

LEARNING CHINESESPEAK ...
(English phrase followed by Chinese Interpretation)
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu
____

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards.

The Stella's are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who
spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald 's. That case
inspired the ' Stella Awards' for the most frivolous successful
lawsuits in the United States

THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:


5th Place (Tied)

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (Tied)

19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

5th Place (Tied)

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

2nd Place

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.


1st Place!!!!!

This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Okla. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 05:59 PM

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
____

SOME INTERESTING THINGS:

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace


Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.


..............

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 06:08 PM

Take the "Rate My Life Quiz"
Posted By: The Incredible ComplyGuy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 06:22 PM

My scores:

Life: 6.1
Highest score -- Finance 7.9
Lowest score -- Love 3.6
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 07:04 PM

My scores:

Life: 7.5

Highest Score: Spirit: 8.8
Lowest Score: Love 2.9

Seems I better get to working on my love life...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 07:13 PM

I could help you out with the love part, but just for a few hours!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 07:15 PM

RULES FOR THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet, now that the Vietnam war is over. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a) highway
b) jailhouse
c) empty bed
Bad places:
a) Ashrams
b) gallery openings
c) Ivy League institutions
d) golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a) you're older than dirt
b) you're blind
c) you shot a man in Memphis
d) you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a) you have all your teeth
b) you were once blind but now can see
c) the man in Memphis lived.
d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a) bad wine
b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon
c) muddy water
d) black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) mixed drinks
b) kosher wine
c) Snapple
d) sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a) Sadie
b) Big Mama
c) Bessie
d) Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a) Joe
b) Willie
c) Little Willie
d) Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):
a) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b) first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c) last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
(Note from Lex: My new Blues name is now Anorexic Plutonium Nixon.)
(Note from Pirt: My new Blues name is now Scoliosis Pomegranate Polk
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it- with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.
21. Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Lutherans and Quakers cannot have the blues. Baptists, Methodists, lapsed Catholics, AME and AME Zion adherents and any member of any Holiness sect can. Jews cannot, although they can be in a New York state of mind that is a distant cousin to the blues. Muslims can have the blues but generally don't.
22. Cotton and wool make good blues clothing. Lycra does not.
23. Shoes with tassels are not blues shoes. Other dress shoes are, as long as they got holes in 'em from walkin' so far to try to find that no-good, sorry woman what left you. If you own a pair of Air Jordans, you cannot have the blues.
24. Bluesmen and -women play guitar, bass, drums, acoustic pianos and Hammond B-3 organs. They do not play synthesizers, cellos, trombones (except in New Orleans) or flutes. Sound men and club bartenders can have the blues. Booking agents cannot.
25. Reporters and editors can have the blues, if they're wearing their fedoras. Ad sales reps and Web-page designers cannot no matter what they wear. Photographers still working in film can have the blues; those working digitally cannot.
26. Football, basketball and minor-league baseball players can have the blues. Major-league baseball players cannot, nor can hockey, golf or soccer players at any level.
27. Engineers can't have the blues. 'ceptin' train engineers, of course.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 07:18 PM

Blues example:

Gonna hop a southbound train
that's headed out of town
Gonna hop a southbound train
no more to be found
I'm leavin in the mornin'
Ain't gonna be your clown


Worked hard for you, Baby
More than half my life
Worked hard for you, Woman
More than half my life
Now you try to tell me
You'll be another man's wife


Headed down to Texas
Lord, that's where I'm bound
Goin' to Port Arthur, Texas
Lord, that's where I'm bound
I'm leavin in the mornin'
Ain't gonna be your clown


Gonna hop a southbound train
that's headed out of town
Goin' to Port Arthur, Texas
Lord, that's where I'm bound
I'm leavin in the mornin'
Ain't gonna be your clown


Another one:

I've been down hearted baby
ever since the day we met
I said I've been down hearted baby
ever since the day we met
our love is nothing but the blues
baby, how blue can you get?

You're evil when I'm with you, baby
and you're jealous when we're apart
I said You're evil when I'm with you, baby
and you've jealous when we're apart
how blue can you get baby
the answer is right here in my heart

I gave you a brand new Ford
But you said: I want a Cadillac
I bought you a ten dollar dinner
and you said: thanks for the snack
I let you live in my pent house
you said it just a shack
I gave seven children
and now you wanna give them back
I said I've been down hearted baby
ever since the day we met
our love is nothing but the blues
baby, how blue can you get?
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 07:18 PM

Quote:

I could help you out with the love part, but just for a few hours!




Ha! ROFL...You're way too funny Anon.... nice try though.
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Monkey Quiz... - 03/10/06 08:14 PM

http://www.monkeyquiz.com/


"Your Final Quiz Score: 31 right out of a possible 60
The Monkey's Final Score: 10 right out of 60

You asserted your intellectual superiority brilliantly! The monkey is now left contemplating his own inferiority. Where others have failed to claim the mantel of unequivocal dominance over lesser species, you have truly succeeded! Congratulations on besting the ape and reaffirming the capabilities of the human mind. You have done mankind proud.

You scored in the 73rd percentile.
(73% of quiz takers scored worse than you)"

Nice to know that I can beat a monkey...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Monkey Quiz... - 03/10/06 08:30 PM

Riddle #1-Only one color, but not one size.
>
> Only one color, but not one size,
> Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies.
> Present in sun, but not in rain,
> Doing no harm and feeling no pain.
> What is it?
>
> Riddle #2
>
> No legs have I to dance
> No lungs have I to breathe
> No life have I to live or die
> And yet I do all three
> What am I?
>
> Riddle #3
>
> I can sizzle like bacon,
> I am made with an egg,
> I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg, I peel layers like
> onions, but still remain whole, I can be long, like a flagpole, yet
> fit in a hole, What am I?
>
> Riddle #4
>
> I am slim and tall,
> Many find me desirable and appealing.
> They touch me and I give a false good feeling.
> Once I shine in splendor,
> But only once and then no more.
> For many I am "to die for".
> What am I?
>
> Riddle #5
>
> With pointed fangs it sits in wait
> With piercing force its doles out fate Over bloodless victims
> proclaiming its might Eternally joining in a single bite.
> What am I?
Posted By: Peepers

Re: Monkey Quiz... - 03/10/06 08:33 PM

> I can sizzle like bacon,
> I am made with an egg,

mmmmmm, bacon and eggs
Posted By: PW 3:16

Re: Monkey Quiz... - 03/10/06 09:54 PM

1 _ _ 5 4 _ _ 7 8
_ _ _ 1 _ _ _ 9 3
5 3 _ _ 7 _ _ _ _
_ _ 3 _ _ _ _ _ _
2 _ 7 4 _ 5 6 _ 9
_ _ _ _ _ _ 7 _ _
_ _ _ _ 1 _ _ 6 2
6 1 _ _ _ 9 _ _ _
8 4 _ _ 6 7 _ _ 1
Posted By: *BUSTER*

Re: Monkey Quiz... - 03/10/06 09:58 PM

sudoku!!!!

thanks Pale Writer!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Monkey Quiz... - 03/10/06 10:00 PM

Riddle One: shadow?

Riddle Two: a tree or a plant?


Suzy
Posted By: Czargazer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/10/06 11:10 PM

Honest, I don't mean to brag...

Life Rating: Overall - 8.7
Highest: Love - 10
Lowest: Friends - 6.5
Posted By: ThePaul

Re: Monkey Quiz... - 03/11/06 04:16 AM

Rate my life quiz results:
Mind: 7.2
Body: 9
Spirit: 6.4
Friends/family: 6.2
Love: 2.1
Finance: 7.9
LIFE: 7.8
If I could just raise that love score I'd have a pretty decent avg
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/11/06 09:14 PM

Quote:

Go here to see if you can keep the tennis ball in the air. My highest score: 5




17 for me!

(maybe 'cause I was a tennis player back in my younger days?)
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/11/06 09:23 PM

Quote:

Take the "Rate My Life Quiz"




My life rating = 6.5

Highest: Finance 8.4 (can't figure out how the h e l l THAT happened!)
Lowest: Love 2.1 (yikes!)
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/12/06 07:58 PM

Quote:

Honest, I don't mean to brag...

Life Rating: Overall - 8.7
Highest: Love - 10
Lowest: Friends - 6.5




Czar...you got it goin' on! What's your secret?
Posted By: Czargazer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/13/06 06:11 PM

Quote:

Czar...you got it goin' on! What's your secret?




Best I can offer is persistance and devotion. I may not have a lot of friends, but they're good ones. Neither my wife or I are perfect, but we're devoted to each other and to one life together. It also helps that both my family and my wife's family are relatively nearby, rather close knit and supportive.

I must admit I'm quite lucky to have family as good as mine.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/13/06 11:15 PM

Subject: ILLINOIS]

Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Illinois.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Illinois.

If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Illinois.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Illinois.

If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Illinois.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Illinois.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Illinois.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN:

1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them.

9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, & It's Hot.

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

13. Down south means Missouri to you.

14. A brat is something you eat.

15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.

17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".

19. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Illinois friends. (What's not to understand)
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/14/06 03:24 AM

Quote:

Quote:

Go here to see if you can keep the tennis ball in the air. My highest score: 5




17 for me!




Shockingly, I managed 32 on my first shot! Must be on a roll in this thread.

--Czargazer
Posted By: rainman

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/14/06 05:58 AM

35!!
Posted By: Spivol

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/14/06 06:33 PM

You know how hard this is with a laptop?
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/14/06 07:16 PM

Quote:

You know how hard this is with a laptop?




Yikes! I'd never be able to do it without my mouse!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/14/06 08:37 PM

"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."
--Benjamin Franklin.


What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
About 3 1/2, but you need to slice them pretty thin.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories...

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Do you know how to save a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."


What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
You can learn to respect a pig.

Changing lawyers is like changing decks on the Titanic.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think they are funny, and most people don't understand that they're just jokes!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven bankrupt.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
People cry when they slice up an onion.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

True Courtroom Dialog:
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive never the less?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got first pick .

Judge to defendant: "Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed on you?"
Defendant: "No, Your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar."


What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.


If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?
A law firm.


What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

Why are lawyers safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. Because no one would ever build a robot to do nothing.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.




The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?" Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

What's the problem when a lawyer is buried up to his waist in sand?
You've run out of sand.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.


Jane: My dad can do anything, he's a genius!
Mark: My dad will do anything, he's a lawyer.

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they're boring.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.


What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.



Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys rifles were too far away to do them any good. Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other. "Because I can run faster without them," replied the first. "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said. The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!"

What is the definition of a shame (as in "gee, that's a shame")?
When a tour bus full of lawyers goes over a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat on the bus.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and a lawyer in a room. You are given a pistol with two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Lawyer --------Twice.



A man goes into an antique store. After looking at most of the articles for sale he spots a beautiful bronze sculpture of a rat. The man is enthralled by the rat and takes it up to the owner to buy it. "How much for the rat?" he asks the proprietor.
"Ten bucks for the rat and a thousand bucks for the story" says the owner.
"Keep the story, I'll just take the rat" says the guy, who then pays the owner and walks outside with the rat under his arm.
Almost immediately a handful of rats fall in line behind the man and his purchase. The further the man walks, the more rats that congregate behind him. Eventually there are so many rats that the man becomes afraid and runs down to the river that cuts through the town.
At the edge of the river, with all the rats in town squealing and milling around him, he throws the bronze rat as far out into the river as he can. Without hesitation all the rats in town jump into the river to follow the bronze rat as it sinks to the bottom -- and all of the rats drown.
After recovering from the ordeal, the man makes his way back to the antique store.
"Aha!" says the store owner. "You came back for the story about the rat."
"Nope," says the man. "I was just wondering if you had a bronze lawyer"
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/14/06 09:56 PM

West Texas Cowboy:
A west (President Bush) Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."
_____

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter ! and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/15/06 05:48 PM

The following information is from credible intelligence sources on the latest viruses sweeping across our nation's information superhighway, so take extreme caution and be on high virus alert at all times!

THE GEORGE W BUSH VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction

THE JOHN KERRY VIRUS - Reverses every position each time you turn your computer on

THE AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep counting, recounting, recounting ... ad nauseam

THE BILL CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a permanent hard drive, with no memory

THE BOB DOLE VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

THE LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did).

THE RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

THE JESSE JACKSON VIRUS - Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all

THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes

THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200

THE JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files

THE PROZAC VIRUS - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

THE MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS - Attacks only minor files

THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/15/06 05:52 PM

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's
called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and
found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could
be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the
wrong way.
Posted By: Big Dog

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/15/06 07:10 PM

LOL DQ
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/15/06 10:49 PM

A woman in her forties was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and said,

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with
you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 46 year old a##?"

"Your name never came up," she replied
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/16/06 02:57 AM

Quote:

A woman in her forties was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and said,

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with
you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 46 year old a##?"

"Your name never came up," she replied




Good one!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/16/06 06:44 PM

Thanks, biscuitbutt.


Go here to see the Blue Ball Machine! Someone spent a lot of time on this Gif file.
Posted By: Miscuit

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/16/06 06:46 PM

Yep...the "blue balls" link was posted on another thread. Pretty cool!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/17/06 06:37 PM

TOP 40 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A HARLEY RIDER SAY:

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for a thousand, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Hey, Peaches? I think we should sell the pickup and buy a minivan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a martini.

35. We don't keep no firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Hey, Peaches? Did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and whole wheat toast instead of the biscuits and gravy.

25. Listen, Peaches. I love animals too, but we just don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a damn about NASCAR? Let's watch soccer!

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Nope. Im going to have to say quits after this new ink. Ten tattoos is enough for any man.

21. Smoking is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at K-Mart today.

19. I wonder if I can get some quieter pipes?

18. Hand me that metric wrench there.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. "That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind."

15. I've got it all on the C: drive.

14. Light beer just tastes better.

13. Sturgis is too far to ride to.

12. Brass knuckles and chains are for sissies. I prefer kung-fu!

11. Hustler? No, I subscribe to National Geographic.

10. I shaved my beard.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. Do these leather chaps make my ass look too big?

4. I'd like to open this annual meeting of the International Neurosurgery Association with a poem written by Robert Frost ...

3. Im thinking of going back to school.

2. Those shorts really ought to be a little longer there, Peaches. I mean, [censored], your ass is showing when you ride behind me.

... and the number one thing you will never hear a Harley owner say:

1. No more for me. I'm ridin'!
Posted By: Sunshine_101

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/17/06 07:41 PM

Quote:

Take the "Rate My Life Quiz"




My scores
life=6.1
mind=4.9
body=7.3
spirit=5.6
friends/family=5.3
love=9.1
finance=8.8
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/21/06 10:40 PM

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/21/06 10:50 PM

Why Am I Tired?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. . .The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
______

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 05:54 PM

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the [censored] out."
_____

Horse walks in a bar.

Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
_____

Reading habits...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like theirs
statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country
and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but
need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that
they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal
aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are
not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.
_____

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
_____

Irishman is lying on his deathbed. Priest is called for absolution.

Priest says, "Do you forsake the devil, Seamus?"

"No.", says Seamus.

"Why won't you forsake the devil, man?", asks the priest.

"Because", replied Seamus, "in me present situation, I can't afford to make any enemies."
_____

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern, small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife! Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a$$es in jail."
_____
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 06:17 PM

Loved the last one, X!
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 06:43 PM

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.
Posted By: *nUnZeO*

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 06:48 PM

haven't spoken to him but i have spoken to people whose names are now "hello i'm Barbara,or Jill"
Posted By: Clown Boy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 06:50 PM


Quote:


8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.




I feel a Bush joke coming on...
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 06:55 PM

Thanks, Devil. By the way, have you looked closely at my current avatar?
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 06:56 PM

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.
Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a s*** about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 07:13 PM

Bimmer - those sound right on to me!
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 07:23 PM

X, you are sauteeing me! OMG! I still like the straightjacket one best. It was so apropos.
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/22/06 09:10 PM

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks
over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is
bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom.

Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some
advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a$$
grill
for one little weenie?
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/23/06 06:25 PM

This is the lesson for today (not funny - it's true!)

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.



It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.



Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!



Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.



After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.



Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
Posted By: Sinatra Fan

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/23/06 08:11 PM

It is a golf term: Stop Hitting Into Trees.
Posted By: Texas Boy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/23/06 08:17 PM

My wife left me....And I don't understand
After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses

I had to give up drinking beer
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 -pack on
weekends
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day
when she came home from
grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for
makeup.
I said, " Wait a minute, I've given up beer and
you haven't given up
anything!!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can
look pretty for you."
I told her, "[censored], that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
Posted By: -A-

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/23/06 10:15 PM

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone
is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
Posted By: Big Dog

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 01:19 PM

So True!!!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 04:47 PM

The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people
often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic
in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your
breast and grabs your butt.
That's the Governor of California!

You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America!
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:13 PM

What's the WFTD?
Posted By: Just Suzy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:14 PM

You can bet your butt it's not kerfuffle.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:16 PM

Which sports car are you?

As for me:

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

WooHoo!
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:19 PM

You are a Ferrari 360 Modena!


You've got it all. Power, passion, precision, and style. You're sensuous, exotic, and temperamental. Sure, you're expensive and high-maintenance, but you're worth it.

Right on target!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:35 PM

high-maintenance? Yes, that works for you - as I imagined!
Posted By: The Incredible ComplyGuy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:37 PM

Quote:

Which sports car are you?

As for me:

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

WooHoo!




Full of raging bull maybe...
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:38 PM

Quote:

high-maintenance? Yes, that works for you - as I imagined!




If you only knew.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:55 PM

Quote:

Quote:

Which sports car are you?

As for me:

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

WooHoo!




Full of raging bull maybe...




Just curious, complygay - have you had a frontal lobotomy?
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 05:55 PM

LOL, soon I'll have a bottleinfrontofme...
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 06:09 PM

Well, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy, like complygay!
Posted By: cheekEE

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 06:56 PM

Porche 911

You have a classic style, but you're up-to-date with the latest technology. You're ambitious, competitive, and you love to win. Performance, precision, and prestige - you're one of the elite, and you know it.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 07:22 PM

My car will beat your car!

A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles supermarket and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old
b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"I see," replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 07:26 PM

ron's a corvette. not sure how happy i am because they were really not my favorite cars but that new Z06(?) is sweet.
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 07:32 PM

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!


You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 07:36 PM

So, Search Me - we could be twins?
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 07:45 PM

Now, there is a thought... hmmm, identical?
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/24/06 09:52 PM

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal! again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/26/06 11:57 PM

A 7 year old boy and his 5 year old brother were sitting at the dining table one Saturday morning. Their mother walks into the dining room and cheerfully says, "Good MORNing, boys!"
To her elder boy, she asks, "Son, what would you like for breakfast this morning?" He says,"Mmmm, I want some (censored) Cheerios." Horrified, the mother replies," I beg your pardon?!" Once again, he says,"I want some (censored) Cheerios." She grabs the boy by his ear, drags him out of the dining room into a bedroom, and all that can be heard throughout the house is the sounds of spanking and screaming cries from the boy.
A few minutes later, the mother returns to the dining room, huffing and puffing. "Now... what would YOU like for breakfast this morning?"she asks her younger son. He says,"I don't know, but I sure don't want any (censored) Cheerios."
Posted By: The Incredible ComplyGuy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 01:19 AM

Quote:

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!


You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.




Me too -- race ya
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 02:23 PM

Quote:

So, Search Me - we could be twins?




Could be..
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 02:26 PM

Quote:

Quote:

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!


You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.




Me too -- race ya




Bring it...
Posted By: The Incredible ComplyGuy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 02:33 PM

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!


You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.




Me too -- race ya




Bring it...




How fast do you think we can go?
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 02:47 PM

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

Quote:

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!


You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.




Me too -- race ya




Bring it...




How fast do you think we can go?




LOL, it's worth finding out...
Posted By: The Incredible ComplyGuy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 02:56 PM

Then again, sometimes slow is better
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 02:58 PM

Quote:

Then again, sometimes slow is better




That's why it's important to have a balance...
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 08:02 PM

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. [censored], I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 08:11 PM

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Devil Queen," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?"

Devil Queen answered the correct airline.

"Pirate, can you tell me which company has the slogan, 'Don't leave home without it'?"

Pirate answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now Ron, tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And Ron answered, "Ma!"
____

Also, this song may even be about Devil Queen:

TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF - Joe Nichols


SHE SAID I'M GOING OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS
MAGUARITAS AT THE HOLIDAY INN
OH MERCY...MY ONLY THOUGHT
WAS TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

I TOLD HER PUT AN EXTRA LAYER ON
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE DRINKS PATRON
HER CLOSETS MISSING HALF THE THINGS SHE BOUGHT
TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

SHE'LL START BY KICKING OUT OF HER SHOES
LOSE AN EARRING IN HER DRINK
LEAVE HER JACKET IN THE BATH ROOM STALL
DROP A CONTACT DOWN THE SINK

THEM PANTYHOSE AIN'T GONNA LAST TOO LONG
IF THE D J PUTS BON JOVI ON
SHE MIGHT COME HOME IN A TABLECLOTH
TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

SHE CAN HANDLE ANY CHAMPAIGNE BRUNCH
BRIDAL SHOWER WITH BACARDI PUNCH
JELLO SHOOTERS FULL OF SMIRNOFF...
BUT TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

SHE'LL START BY KICKING OUT OF HER SHOES
LOSE AN EARRING IN HER DRINK
LEAVE HER JACKET IN THE BATH ROOM STALL
DROP A CONTACT DOWN THE SINK

SHE DON'T MEAN NOTHING
SHE'S JUST HAVING FUN
TOMORROW SHE'LL SAY
OH WHAT HAVE I DONE
HER FRIENDS WILL JOKE ABOUT THE STUFF SHE LOST
CAUSE TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 08:23 PM

Quote:

Also, this song may even be about Devil Queen:

TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF - Joe Nichols


SHE SAID I'M GOING OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS
MAGUARITAS AT THE HOLIDAY INN
OH MERCY...MY ONLY THOUGHT
WAS TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

I TOLD HER PUT AN EXTRA LAYER ON
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE DRINKS PATRON
HER CLOSETS MISSING HALF THE THINGS SHE BOUGHT
TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

SHE'LL START BY KICKING OUT OF HER SHOES
LOSE AN EARRING IN HER DRINK
LEAVE HER JACKET IN THE BATH ROOM STALL
DROP A CONTACT DOWN THE SINK

THEM PANTYHOSE AIN'T GONNA LAST TOO LONG
IF THE D J PUTS BON JOVI ON
SHE MIGHT COME HOME IN A TABLECLOTH
TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

SHE CAN HANDLE ANY CHAMPAIGNE BRUNCH
BRIDAL SHOWER WITH BACARDI PUNCH
JELLO SHOOTERS FULL OF SMIRNOFF...
BUT TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

SHE'LL START BY KICKING OUT OF HER SHOES
LOSE AN EARRING IN HER DRINK
LEAVE HER JACKET IN THE BATH ROOM STALL
DROP A CONTACT DOWN THE SINK

SHE DON'T MEAN NOTHING
SHE'S JUST HAVING FUN
TOMORROW SHE'LL SAY
OH WHAT HAVE I DONE
HER FRIENDS WILL JOKE ABOUT THE STUFF SHE LOST
CAUSE TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF





X, shhhh, geez, is nothing sacred??!
Posted By: The Incredible ComplyGuy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 08:27 PM

Shot of Tequila Search?
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/27/06 08:31 PM

Quote:

Shot of Tequila Search?




Uh-oh...well... I don't want Joe Nichols to be singin about me..
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/28/06 04:35 PM

American Management Today - Idiots?


A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the Dilberts we work for in corporate America, circa 2004:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/28/06 08:04 PM

This may not be a joke:

But there are detectable signs that you've been taken aboard a spacecraft and examined, according to Dr. Longneck. Here is a revealing excerpt from his upcoming book Did I Forget I Was Kidnapped By Aliens?


You're drunk a lot -- Aliens take advantage of boozers because they're used to forgetting huge blocks of time and some really embarrassing stuff, said Dr. Longneck. ETs appreciate drunks because they don't have to waste their memory- wiper ammunition, which is expensive. They pick up a lot of people stumbling out of bars.

You are mentally ill -- No one believes a psycho when he says he was in a space ship. Extraterrestrials take advantage of that fact by lurking around insane asylums and psychiatrist offices.

You find a lot of puncture marks in your arms and you can't remember injecting yourself -- "These are from routine alien blood tests," said the expert.

During an X-ray, your doctor discovers you are missing an internal organ you know you were born with -- "A lot of times aliens take out spleens, a lung, a kidney, an appendix so they can examine them closely," explained Dr. Longneck. Despite their advanced intellect, sometimes they simply forget to put them back.

You wake up and can't remember everyday things like your name, the year, your address, your spouse's name, etc. -- "The alien scientists have sliced out a vital part of your brain," said Dr. Longneck.

You cut yourself and your blood is green -- "This is when they've accidentally sucked out too much of your blood and had to give you a blood transfusion from their own blood bank," explained the expert.

You suddenly find yourself in a foreign country thousands of miles from where you live -- "Aliens have a very bad sense of direction and can't read maps worth a damn," said Dr. Longneck. "They'll circle around the globe a lot, then get disgusted and just give their human abductees the boot when it's dinnertime -- alien wives are not very understanding."

You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller -- "Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives," said Dr. Longneck.

You develop an irrational fear of going to the doctor when it's never bothered you before -- "Your subconscious is telling you you've been poked, prodded, injected and probed enough," said Dr. Longneck.

You suddenly discover you are missing a limb -- "You know you started out the day with two arms and two legs, and yet, when it's time to go to bed, one is missing," said Dr. Longneck. "This is an indication they have kept one of your limbs for dissection purposes."

My guess if the BOL has more abductees than one can imagine.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/30/06 03:35 AM

Will Smith walks into a Korean Restaurant, and orders a bowl of rice. The waitress asks,'and what would you like with your bowl of rice?" He answers, "I wanna get chigae with it."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/31/06 06:45 PM

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next
to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and
makes his move.
"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it
slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to
discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear
power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes
little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and
the horse produces muffins of dried
poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I
haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you
feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't
know sh!t?
_____
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/31/06 07:08 PM

The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference

"Write better emails. Make more moneys."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/31/06 07:23 PM

What Office Personality Are You?

My result (right on the money, by the way!)

You scored as Cool Guy.

Dammit, you're just so cool that everybody wants to be you. You're always doing things like creating new slang or coming up with new nicknames that stick. God, I mean, you're like, the smoothest. The straightest guys are almost tempted to go totally gay for you, and the girls are always whispering about your ass as you walk by. Enjoy it while it lasts buddy, cause soon you'll be old.

Cool Guy

94%
Loudmouth/Showoff

88%
Workaholic

50%
Temp

50%
Loner/Weirdo

50%
Foreign/Stinky I.T.

38%
Complainer/Drama-[censored]

38%
Kiss Ass

25%
Gossipper

25%
Perpetually Cheerful/Annoying

25%
Unremarkable

25%
Leech

13%
Slacker

0%
Posted By: Big Dog

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 03/31/06 08:42 PM

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins asked hopefully.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty five pound king crabs and 6 good size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said.... "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/07/06 10:30 PM

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying b@st@rd!
You've been playing golf!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/14/06 10:30 PM


What really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight or Ron goes to the store.

As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands", that way nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry.

Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nefarious looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my weaner. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing in on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I just threw myself into telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the girl scout, (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck.

I jumped into the driver seat forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though, half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunately I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I layed it down, I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my ass.

The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunately the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to had now.

I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw here merely carried a Glock 17, not a mans gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his Maglight. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/19/06 06:15 PM

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem The little boy heard the door- bell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there
stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/19/06 07:20 PM

Are you normal???
Posted By: Dlynn58

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/19/06 07:31 PM

A guy is driving around Texas and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired" The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/19/06 08:04 PM

Men strike back! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
----------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
--------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
----------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
----------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
----------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/19/06 10:21 PM

Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. (It had broken down and he was after a tow truck)

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry.......
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/19/06 10:44 PM

Quote:

Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. (It had broken down and he was after a tow truck)

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry.......





:sheepish grin: My dear Henry... ROFL... too cute...
Posted By: *nUnZeO*

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/20/06 03:51 PM

Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY NOW-YA HEAR



TEXAS AIR CONTROL TOWER

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised "

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great "

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC - DALLAS ATC"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE.

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

Moral: (DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS !
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/20/06 05:11 PM

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting.

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care, they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/20/06 05:21 PM

Quote:

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting.

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care, they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.




LOL!!!
Posted By: Skunk Boy

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/20/06 09:05 PM

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 11:14 AM

1st Graders
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
he children began:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Then the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're a$$holes!"
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 01:27 PM


A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly-
prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make spirited conversation about global warming, quantum mechanics, spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness,
string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

Very impressed, the customer thinks,
"This is really cool," and decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for
another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly-prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds,
"About a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods,
guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out the door and returns, ordering one last drink. The robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er . . . 50 . . . I think."

And the robot says very slowly,
"So............ ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 01:54 PM

Quote:

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting.

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care, they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.




LOL...cute...
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 01:56 PM

Quote:

1st Graders
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
he children began:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Then the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're a$$holes!"




OMG...ROFL...chokin on my bacon... good one DQ...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 03:10 PM

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse" The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.

Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief. Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news."

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend."

"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in 302. Nobody here tells me nuthin!"
______

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL
notes written by PARENTS in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings
have been left intact.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE
EXECUTE HIM.
~
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
~
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 AND ALSO 33.
~
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
~
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT
OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
~
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
~
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS
HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
~
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED
BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
~
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
~
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
~
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE,
DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(Love it!)
~
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA,
AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
~
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
~
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You
know, this could be legit!}
~
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE
DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
~
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO
GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE
THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
~
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A
WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
~
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND
COULD NOT BREED WELL.
~
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH
GRAMPS.
~
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
~
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
____

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk!

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "... Amen."
____
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 03:11 PM

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly,

"So...............
ya gonna vote fer Hillary?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 03:15 PM

1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself
.........Mark Twain -

2. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
.........Winston Churchill -

3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
.........George Bernard Shaw -

4. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
.........James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) -

5. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
.........Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University -

6. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
.........P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian -

7. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
.........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) -

8. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a fewshort phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
.........Ronald Reagan (1986) -

9. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
........Will Rogers -

10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
........P.J. O'Rourke -

11. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
.......Voltaire (1764) -

12. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
.......Pericles (430 BC.) -

13. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the Legislature is in session.
.......Mark Twain (1866) -

14. Talk is cheap. . .except when Congress does it.
.......Unknown -

15. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
.......Winston Churchill -

16. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
.......Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) -

17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
......Thomas Jefferson -
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 03:19 PM

A man's car breaks down outside a farm, so he walks to the door to see if he can get some help. The farmer obliges, and as they walk back to the car, the man notices a pig with 2 wooden legs.
"What's with that pig?" he inquires.

"That pig, saved my daughter's life, my son's life, and our barn."

"How so?"

"Well, about 2 years back, my daughter was missing. She'd fallen into the well. We was looking for her, and that pig heard her, found me, and dragged me to the well. Last year, my son was walking the cornfields when he collapsed in the path of the combine. That pig saw it happen, climbed out of the stye, ran into the field and dragged my boy out of the way of the combine. And earlier this spring, we had an electric fire start in the barn. That pig broke down the front door, came upstair and woke us up."

"Is that how he lost his legs? Burnt in the fire?"

"Naw." said the farmer. "A pig like that, well, you don't eat him all at once."
_______

But, all of you would eat him!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 03:21 PM

Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 03:22 PM

Hangover Ratings

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 a.m. Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five dumps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire-hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your @$$. You are thinking that Death might be better that this.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Indubitably
2. Innovative
3. Preliminary
4. Proliferation
5. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5. Oh no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 03:23 PM

The End of the Raven
-- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"

Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -
"Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 03:45 PM

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you 'betcha, there IS a moral!)



"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 04:30 PM

Quote:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you 'betcha, there IS a moral!)



"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"





Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 04:50 PM

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 04:58 PM

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 05:41 PM

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas and Mexico.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these damn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Texas.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Texas opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 05:45 PM

Not a joke, just the way it should be:

The Good Wife's Guide
Housekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 05:48 PM

Quote:

Not a joke, just the way it should be:

The Good Wife's Guide
Housekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.




And this is why women went into the workplace...
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 05:55 PM

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you?
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"

Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A.Both of them.

Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A.He buys two cases of beer.

Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds? A.The bonds mature.
Q..Why are blonde jokes so short? A.So men can remember them.

Q.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.We don't know; it has never happened.
Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.
Q.Why are married women heavier than single women? A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A.They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 06:19 PM

From the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles.

"batmobiling" putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"

"betamaxed" when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

"blowing your buffer" losing your train of thought

"cobweb" a WWW site that never changes

"elvis year" the peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's elvis year"

"generica" fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"

"going postal" totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

"high dome" egghead, scientist, PhD

"irritainment" annoying but you can't stop watching i.e; the O.J. trial

"meatspace" the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

"percussive maintenance" the fine art of whacking a device to get it working

"prairie dogging" in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look

"salmon day" swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end

"siliwood" the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired"

"square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend) computer

"treeware" manuals and documentation

"umfriend" sexual relationship "this is Dale, my...um...friend"

"world wide wait" WWW

"yuppie food coupons" twenty dollar bills from an ATM
Posted By: BBoyd

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 10:24 PM

Okay, figure this one out...and YES it can be done!

Apparently this is an IQ test given to job applicants in Japan: "Everybody has to cross the river".

READ RULES BELOW FIRST!!!

Use the rules below (unless you can read Japanese.)

RULES:

Only 2 persons on the raft at a time
The father can not stay with any of the daughters, without their mother's presence
The mother can not stay with any of the sons, without their father's presence
The thief (striped shirt) cannot stay with any family member, if the Policeman is not there.
Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft.
To start click on the big blue circle on the right.
To move the people click on them.
To move the raft click on the pole on the opposite side of the river.

To start: Click on link, and then click on the big blue circle. http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 10:36 PM

Quote:

Okay, figure this one out...and YES it can be done!

Apparently this is an IQ test given to job applicants in Japan: "Everybody has to cross the river".

READ RULES BELOW FIRST!!!

Use the rules below (unless you can read Japanese.)

RULES:

Only 2 persons on the raft at a time
The father can not stay with any of the daughters, without their mother's presence
The mother can not stay with any of the sons, without their father's presence
The thief (striped shirt) cannot stay with any family member, if the Policeman is not there.
Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft.
To start click on the big blue circle on the right.
To move the people click on them.
To move the raft click on the pole on the opposite side of the river.

To start: Click on link, and then click on the big blue circle. http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf




Piece of cake!

If you want to know how to do it, just let me know
Posted By: BBoyd

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/21/06 11:07 PM

Smarty pants!
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/22/06 12:32 AM

Quote:

Smarty pants!




Posted By: WarEagle

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/24/06 01:17 PM

I can't strart working until I figure this out...I have mom, dad and 3 kids across and I guess I'm stuck.
Posted By: WarEagle

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/24/06 01:50 PM

Got it:)
Posted By: Fork Ate Spoon

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/24/06 02:32 PM

Quote:

I can't strart working until I figure this out...I have mom, dad and 3 kids across and I guess I'm stuck.




Move back one of the kids to start (the one that is alone), then move the convict and cop to the other side and send the one parent back to the start, both parents go to other side, one parent goes back to start to pick up one of the two kids, convict and cop go back to start, cop and last kid go to the other side and cop returns to start for convict.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/26/06 01:05 PM

Here's one for all the baseball fans....or anyone who hates penguins...lol how far can YOU hit it??http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf copy it into your browser and start swinging away
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/26/06 01:29 PM

www.n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/26/06 01:53 PM

319.80
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/26/06 02:46 PM

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down
to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity
on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to
Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That
night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by
the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Posted By: Beige

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/26/06 02:49 PM

Quote:

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down
to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity
on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to
Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That
night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by
the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"




LOL!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/26/06 03:00 PM

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the5th drink for you."

"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
Posted By: BBoyd

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/27/06 01:55 PM

Tennis anyone?
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/27/06 06:38 PM

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Fe! male... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female....The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
______
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 08:01 AM

Mrs. Ogden (age 55) went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill."

Doctor: "I don't think you need the Pill at your age."

Mrs O: "It relaxes me."

"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician.

"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter has been dating, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 02:54 PM

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Wed., Feb. 1, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:! 00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 03:24 PM

Questions that have Confused humankind!

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
_____

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Wed., Feb. 1, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:! 00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 03:29 PM

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for banker brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is banker brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many bankers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 03:36 PM

My Wife Left Me......

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big
drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery
shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.. I said,
"Wait a minute, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "[censored], that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.
____

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
_____
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 03:56 PM

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy
a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on
you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oileverywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide
to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new
garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in
backyard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
back yard,alongwith drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids'
sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug
in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required
to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during
steps 23 - 43 .
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 03:59 PM

What was your last day here, X?
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 04:04 PM

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, " Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!"
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 04:09 PM

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious ! excitemnt.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you're a liberal democrat."
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 04:14 PM

HA!!!!

Thanks X!
Posted By: slubgob

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 04:16 PM

Weird...it's like X's greatest hits or something.
Posted By: Search_Me

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/28/06 04:21 PM

Quote:

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, " Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!"




Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/29/06 05:05 PM

Dont Mess With Old Ladies!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Maam, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Id give it to you but I dont have one.
Officer: Dont have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I seeCan I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I cant do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Maam, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, maam?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you maam, one of my officers told me you didnt have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Dont Mess With Old Ladies!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/30/06 05:53 PM

April 28, 2006

Berkeley, California

This week's three dollar-a-gallon gasoline forced us to get rid of Scooter's old gas-hog Ford Taurus for something more efficient. All our friends and many Hollywood celebrities are driving Toyota Priuses now, so that's what Scooter wanted. He's very ecologically sensitive and had been wanting some "earth-friendly" wheels for a long time. After selling some items for Pepe recently, he finally had enough cash for a down payment on a good used car.

While sampling Pepe's latest, we went online and carefully researched prices on used Priuses and the trade-in value of the Taurus. It looked as if Scooter should be able to buy a couple-year-old Prius for around $20,000 and get approximately $1,200 for his Ford. After college Scooter sold cars so he knew all the inside tricks. He instructed me to "keep quiet and watch the master." I was thinking the only thing Scooter's probably ever been master of is "bating," if you catch my drift. Anyway, after several more bong hits, we headed out to seek our automotive prey.

At our first stop, "Ben Dover's Here's Your Car" used cars, we didn't meet Ben, but were greeted by a fat guy named Tony who wore a shiny suit and lots of jewelry, including a massive diamond Rolex that appeared to be turning his wrist black. After Scooter told him what we were looking for, Tony said he had exactly what we needed, and walked us over to a hulking, green 1995 Chevy Suburban with big tires and no rear bumper. Before Scooter could say a word, Tony said, "Look, a Prius is worth about 20K and that's what you'd pay. Now follow me, Scoots. This cream puff is worth the same 20K but I'm giving it to you for 15. You see what just happened? You just got FIVE THOUSAND bucks for gasoline that you'd never have if you bought that little crapbox-deathtrap-Toyota. Now look Skeeter, here's the clincher: I'll give you THREE GRAND for your junky Taurus, which is easily two more than that scab-on-wheels is worth and BADA BING, there's TWO GRAND MORE for gas! Did you hear what I just said? Now you got over SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS gas money! WHOA! You better sit down now because I'm ready to ice this cake, Scrotum buddy. Because I LIKE you, I'm throwing in another THOUSAND DOLLAR discount OUT OF MY OWN POCKET! I can't believe I just offered you that! This could cost me my job because all of a sudden I'm not only giving away the most beautiful car on the lot, but also BUYING ALL YOUR FRIGGIN GAS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!" I looked at Scooter, he was mesmerized.

Riding home in the Suburban I tried to figure out exactly what had transpired. Somehow Scooter ended up buying the truck for $22,900 plus tax after they added the paint sealant, fabric protectant, undercoating, and rear bumper Tony sold him. They gave Scooter $800 for the Taurus, but only after he got into a big shouting match with Tony's boss who claimed it was only worth $400 since the windshield wipers had dry-rot and the left turn signal didn't work. Scooter seemed satisfied with the weekly payment but I wasn't so sure it was such a great deal.

We stopped for gas and it cost $96.23 to fill the tank. Scooter cried.
______

CowDems

A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Democratic Party of Virginia," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about cows....... Now give me back my dog."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 04/30/06 06:18 PM

English may be a grand language, but sometimes you need to draw on another language to find the absolute perfect word to describe a situation. This list of 10 words is proof positive.

They were assembled by former BBC quiz-show researcher Adam Jacot de Boinod and published in his new book, "The Meaning of Tingo," which draws on intriguing words and phrases culled from more than 154 languages. It took two years, 280 dictionaries and 140 Web sites, as well as consultations with various foreign embassies, to conduct the research. Why did he write the book? de Boinod told the BBC News, "I'm trying to celebrate the joy of foreign words."

Tingo: A Pascuense language word from Easter Island that means borrowing items from a pal's house, one by one, until there is nothing left.

Kummerspeck: a German word that literally means "grief bacon" but refers to the excess weight gained from emotion-related overeating.

Bakku-shan: Japanese for a woman who "seems pretty when seen from behind but not from the front." (In America we use "Two-bagger")

Ulykkesbilen: Danish for an "ill-fated car."

Putzfimmel: German word that means a mania for cleaning.

Nakkele: From Tulu, India, this describes a man who licks whatever the food has been served on.

Katahara itai: Japanese for laughing so hard that one side of your stomach hurts.

Drachenfutter: A German word that is "dragon fodder" when translated literally, but means the peace offerings made by guilty husbands to their wives.

Plimpplampplettere: Dutch for skimming stones.

Backpfeifengesicht: German for a face that cries out for a fist in it. (Howard Dean, for example)
___

I'll add:

Widjadidja - A redneck word that asks if you brung yer truck widja.

Butterface: English for a woman who "looks good everywhere else but her face.

Sitzpinkler: German for a man who pees like a woman.
Posted By: -A-

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/02/06 08:53 PM

>> > CHURCH BULLETINS
>>> > They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
>>> > Typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
>> or were announced in church services:
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
>>> > tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
>> the Recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
>>> > those
>>> > Things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
>> to a Conflict.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
>>> > Someone who is hard to love. Say "[censored]" to someone who doesn't
>>> care much About you.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
>>> > obvious Pleasure to the congregation.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
>> nursery Downstairs.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
>> the help They can get.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
>> will Sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
>> -------------------------------------------------
>>> >
>>> > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
>>> > church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
>> Music Will follow.
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
>>> > [censored]?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
>>> > several
>>> > New members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
>>> > recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>> ----------------------
>>> > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
>>> > person You want remembered.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
>>> entertainment and Gracious hostility.
>> --------------------
>>> > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
>>> follow.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
>>> They may be Seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
>> across from The Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
>> ladies are Inv ited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
>> would
>>> > Lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
>> Sunday.
>>> > --------------------------------------------
>>> > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
>> use the Back door.
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
>>> > Church
>>> > Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
>>> this Tragedy.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
>>> Church.
>>> > Please Use large double door at the side entrance.
>>> >
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> > The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
>>> > slogan
>>> > Last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
Posted By: Beige

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/02/06 08:54 PM

lol!! Too funny!!!
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/05/06 09:18 PM

Yes, back for a brief visit - I ran across the following and immediately thought about the coolies that I left behind:

40 WAYS to describe an Idiot

1. A few fries short of a happy meal.
2. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
3. A few bricks shy of a full load.
4. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
5. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit all of the branches on the way down.
6. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
7. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
8. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
9. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
10. A few clowns short of a circus.
11. If he had another brain it would be lonely.
12. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
13. An expirement in Artificial Stupidity.
14. A few beers short of a six-pack.
15. Dumber than a box of hair.
16. A few peas short of a casserole.
17. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl.
18. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
19. One taco short of a combination plate.
20. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
21. All foam no beer.
22. The cheese slid off of his cracker.
23. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
24. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
25. Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
26. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
27. As smart as bait.
28. Chimney's clogged.
29. Her sewing machine is out of thread.
30. His antenna doesn't get all of the channels.
31. Missing a few buttons on the remote control.
32. No grain in the silo.
33. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
34. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
35. Receiver is off the hook.
36. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
37. Skylight leaks a little.
38. Slinky's kinked.
39. Surfing in Nebraska.
40. In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little too far apart.
____

Of course, in the case of coolies, his and her are the same and sometimes you just cannot tell the difference.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/06/06 12:20 AM

13 is sp
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/06/06 05:52 PM

The Cowboy

A cowboy from Texas was pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stopped and said, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the trooper said and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies though.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/08/06 04:34 AM

Quote:

Yes, back for a brief visit - I ran across the following and immediately thought about the coolies that I left behind:

40 WAYS to describe an Idiot




Quote:

I stopped by for the party, but I keep thinking about the Sudan:

Slavery is alive and well. You can buy a young girl for anywhere between $35 and $95. This is the value of a human life in Sudan, the location of the greatest persecution of the Christian Church today. More than two million people have died so far due to the Jihad the Islamic government has declared on its own people.

Sudan is the largest country in Africa. It is home to the largest famine in the world. This is a man-made famine caused by the Muslim government, which instituted a scorched earth campaign. Their goal is to kill all the Christians who will not convert to Islam. The black Muslim north has regularly raided the black Christian south, capturing slaves, torturing Christians and sparing no one, all in the name of Jihad.

So, I'll just move on.


Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/11/06 04:43 PM

A soldier fresh out of the service went down to the Redstone Arsenal for a job.
The interviewer asked if he was a Vet. The guy replied yes I am just got out,I did a two year tour in Iraq. The interviewer said oh good you go to the top of the list. Then he asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy replied
yes 100 % I had my testicles blown off when a mortar round hit my Humvee. The interviewer replied in that case you can start tomorrow,the hours are 8:00 to 4:00 so show up at 10:00 AM. The guy asks if the hours are 8:00 to 4:00 why do I show up at 10:00 AM? The interviewer replies, well this is a Government job and we just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours, no sense in you showing up for that!
_____

I was in my back yard yesterday trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
_____

Subject: Shopping with Mom


Shopping

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, & as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mother." The little old lady waved & smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

Do not trust all little Old Ladies
_____
Posted By: Fork Ate Spoon

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/11/06 08:17 PM

South Texas Farmers

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll explain it to you. Do you own a weed eater?"
Jim says, "Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
Posted By: Nanwa

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/11/06 08:28 PM

Real men have real men toys, like week eaters, chain saws, lawn tractors (don't you DARE call it a "mower")...
Posted By: Fork Ate Spoon

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/11/06 08:33 PM

Quote:

like week eaters




I'd love a week eater, do they have them at home depot?! I'd get rid of the next few weeks until vacation!
Posted By: Beige

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/11/06 08:38 PM

Quote:

Quote:

like week eaters




I'd love a week eater, do they have them at home depot?! I'd get rid of the next few weeks until vacation!




I would pay BIG money for a week eater!! If you go to home depot soon, please grab one for me and send it on down! I do believe it may just be my most used appliance!
Posted By: DeeQ

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/12/06 02:46 PM

The drunk...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.......

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers
"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/12/06 03:18 PM

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
_____

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And Finally:

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
_____

Joe's will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big
is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."
_____

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.

It was addressed, "Dad" with the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, dad - she's pregnant and Barbara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we need.

In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry, dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son, John

P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.

I love you!

PS: Call when it's safe for me to come home
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/12/06 03:22 PM

A Teamsters boss goes to a convention in Las Vegas for a few days.
One night he goes out to a brothel.

Like a good union man, he asks the madam if it's a union shop.

"No", she says.

He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"

The madam says "The girl would get $20 and the house gets $80".

"Pahh! " he says, and walks off to find another brothel.

He asks the next madam "Are you a union shop?"

"Oh, yes!" was the reply.

He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"

The madam says "The girl would get $80 and the house gets $20".

That's more to his liking, so he gives her $100 and says "I'd like that pretty young blond girl right there", pointing to his choice.

The madam puts the money in her pocket, points to an 85-year old woman, and says to him: "I'm sure you would, but Ethel here has seniority."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/12/06 03:30 PM

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
_____

The world's shortest fairy tale...
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after. She went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.

The End
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/12/06 03:45 PM

Creation

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.

For this, I'll give you a twenty-year lifespan."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years?

That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/12/06 03:50 PM

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed . "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good!"


Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming

around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that

patrolled the area.



Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a

prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being

eaten"



As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears

and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old

mate.



Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All

his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't

realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his Sad plight.



While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't

believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a

prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back

into a prawn.



With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and

bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -

it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked?



"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and

became a shark", came the reply.



Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off

to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding

back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,

come out and see me again."



Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll

not be tricked."



Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ..............









(Wait for it. Here it comes....)





(Keep scrolling.....)













...........................

"I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/12/06 04:24 PM

Subject: Cow Politics

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICANISM You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/12/06 09:30 PM

Some Sage Advice:

Replace all female flight attendants with some
good-lookin' strippers! What the [censored]? The attendants
have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere"
going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual
businessman in this country would start flying again,
hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
screeching halt and the airline industry would see
record revenues.

Why the [censored] didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton
_____


GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
____
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/13/06 07:59 PM

Medical Examinations

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

-Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

-Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal [censored]."

-Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

-Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband wasalive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

-Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

-Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!................



8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

-Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/15/06 04:51 PM

ONE OF MY HARD AND FAST RULES is to never, but never, pass along chain-letters.

"TWENTY-TWO. Know when to break hard and fast rules."

________

This must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.


FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve. 1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly. 5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking. 9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
Posted By: Bimmer

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/17/06 05:49 PM

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/17/06 06:47 PM

it is actually sidenafil citrate (or something along those lines). funny nonetheless.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/19/06 07:49 PM

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
The ArnoldSchwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100
GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
____

1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

2. There are 2 times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

3. A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

4. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife.

5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

6. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

7. Married man live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

8. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone know why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

11. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

12. What is the different between a marriage and a war?
A marriage is a war which the enemies can sleep together.

13. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

14. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

15. Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. (this one is so true!!)

16. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.

17. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

18. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

19. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

20. A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the theif was spending less than his wife did.

21. The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

22. My wife submits and I obey. She always let me have her way.

23. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

24. A happy marriage is giving and taking. The husband gives and the wife takes.

25. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
_____
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/19/06 08:09 PM

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
_____

6 Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex...This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even on the kitchen table, etc...

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The forth kind is Hallway Sex... This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some.

5. There is also a fifth kind of Sex... Courtroom Sex, this is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month, but it's not enough to live on...!
_____
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/19/06 08:12 PM

HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY FINAL EXAM

Name:
Alias:
Gang:

__________________________________________________________________________

1> Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of
ten shots & shoots 13 rounds at every drive- by shooting, how many
drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
What is the maxium number of people he can hit?

2> Jose' has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells a 8-ball to Ricky for
$320, & 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does he
have left?
What is the street value of the remaining coke?

3> Rufus is pimping three girls. If his cut is $65 per trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800
per day crack habit?

4> Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces will he need?

5> Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, & $100 for a
4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's & three 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he
have to steal to make $1000?

6> Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid $10,000
for the hit. If his comman-law wife is spending $100 per month , how
much money will be left when he gets out of prison (w/ time off for
good behavior /overcrowding) & how many years will he get for killing
the [censored] that spent his money?

7> If the average spray can covers 22 square feet & the average
letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he
steals 3 full cans of paint & finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?

8> Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 28 girls
in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

9> Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night.
She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month
rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up
with her expenses?

10> Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at
$25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% & returns to Mexico, how much
money will he lose by jumping bail?

____END OF EXAM___________________________________________________________
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/19/06 09:36 PM

Stress Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Examples:

Milk Duds, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls and Red Vines.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples:

Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We All know how calories like to cling!!)


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED
BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
Posted By: ~~~izzo~~~

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/22/06 03:42 PM

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

























He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/22/06 09:29 PM

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Deli customer service reps. It's getting ugly.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/24/06 02:38 PM

THE STRING AND THE SPOON

When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
____

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his [censored] hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" He said "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/26/06 02:48 PM

Barbeque--it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are usually put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drink in hand.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/26/06 02:58 PM

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are married:
The other night I was invited for a night out with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!". Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo-ed 3 times. Quickly, realizing that my husband would probably wake up, I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckoo-ed 3 times, then said 'Oh. Dam.', then cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckoo-ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.".
____
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/26/06 03:15 PM

Driving in Heaven

Three guys died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!" The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy replied, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Yugo to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Subaru Impreza."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Ferrari 430!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Subaru and the
Yugo saw the guy with the Ferrari crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Ferrari what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
_____
Posted By: Anonymous

Where can I download Babes In Toyland mp3 cheap and legal? - 05/27/06 04:21 AM


<a href=http://www.full-mp3s-albums.com>Download Kim Carnes mp3</a><br>Download Kim Carnes mp3
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/27/06 04:15 PM

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.

The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.

He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said "this is what I have for colateral".

She took it to the bank president and said "there's a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)".

She said "do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan".
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 05/27/06 04:19 PM

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU. (But, then again, this smacks of urban legend.)
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week, and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

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Re: Jokes/Games for BOL Slackers - 06/01/06 02:34 PM

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Re: Legal Download mp3 sites - 06/02/06 12:43 PM

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Re: Legal Download mp3 sites - 06/02/06 12:53 PM

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My puppy does this, too.

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Posted By: Beige

Re: - 06/02/06 01:26 PM

Scientific Study

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
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Further studies are expected.
Posted By: Big Dog

Re: - 06/02/06 02:46 PM

:Coffee shoots out nose:

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Posted By: Big Dog

Re: - 06/02/06 02:48 PM

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Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas - Literacy Ain't Everything.
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut -Like Massachusetts , Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, (But That's Our Tourism Campaign.)
Maine - We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's
Michigan - First Line Of Defense - From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada - Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal
Rhode Island - We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State
Texas - Se Hablo Ingles
Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont - Ay, Yep
Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington - We have more rain than you do
West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes for Slackers - 06/02/06 03:02 PM

Gun or a Wife, Top 10 Reasons

Tenth Reason
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Ninth Reason
You can keep one gun at home and have another for when.... you're on the
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Eighth reason
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Fifth reason
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Fourth reason
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Third reason
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Second reason
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Posted By: X

Re: Jokes for Slackers - 06/02/06 03:11 PM

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answe the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
_____
Posted By: X

Re: Jokes for Slackers - 06/02/06 03:32 PM

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_____
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes for Slackers - 06/02/06 04:55 PM

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Name: _____________________ Date: _______________

_____________________________________________________
KNOWLEDGE:__ Really knows what he's doing.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
__ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

_____________________________________________________
ACCURACY: __ Does excellent work is not preoccupied.
__ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers.
__ Must take off shoes to count above ten.
__ What's a number?

_____________________________________________________
ATTITUDE: __ Extremely co-operative.
__ Brown noser in good standing.
__ Often annoys co-workers and fights.
__ Doesn't care, never did, never will.

_____________________________________________________
RELIABILE:__ Works so hard he gets extra days off.
__ Very dependable.
__ Rely on his being first one out the door.
__ Absolutely totally worthless.

_____________________________________________________
APPEARANCE: __ Extremely neat and clean.
__ Looks great on his day off.
__ Flies take him over fresh manure.
__ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.

_____________________________________________________
PERFORMANCE: __ Works hard if money is involved.
__ Does great work--at evaluation time.
__ Works well after ten cups of coffee.
__ Couldn't do less if he were in a coma.

_____________________________________________________
LEADERSHIP: __ Carries chainsaw and gets good results.
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
__ One time some listened to him whine.
__ Unable to lead even the most ignorant.
_____________________________________________________

I understand that I have been counseled and understand
my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further
acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat,
and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.

_______________________________________
Employee signature
Posted By: Beige

Re: Jokes for Slackers - 06/02/06 04:57 PM

Quote:


13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.





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Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes for Slackers - 06/02/06 05:00 PM

State of Arkansas Residency Application
(last name)
Name: ________________

(first name)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
Posted By: Beige

Re: Jokes for Slackers - 06/02/06 05:17 PM

Buttercups -

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After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

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Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Jokes for Slackers - 06/02/06 06:03 PM

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
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The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this wonderful woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Posted By: X

Re: Are your eyes playing tricks? - 06/09/06 03:43 PM

MATHMATICS THEN AND NOW


Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?



Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?



Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)



Teaching Math In 2006

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
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